Acting School Rant
Okay, so this isn't like me to go on here and rant but for some reason, I think it will make me feel better and less anxious....
But basically, I do work study at this independent acting school and in turn, I get classes and I've been doing this for about a year now and at first, I was happy with the set up even though the mere 4 hours that I was supposed to work to earn classes was so tiring and boring that at times, I felt like running into a brick wall. Well, lately I have been having an identity crises so to speak. And it's one that has been going on for a little while now. Some of you may know that I used to just see myself as a writer. Hell I thought that was the thing for me ever since I was little and I set my mind to it when I was 12. And then, my mental health got pretty bad and the writing seriously wasn't helping it at all and I was turning into a really really strange person. I mean your regular tortured artist (I know I am talking about this in a humorous fashion but it was very much like the crazy antisocial writer). That's when I dropped writing and literature in general for the time being and decided to pursue acting. Well.... there is a part of me that isn't sure that is who I am. I think...when it comes down to it, I'm a writer. I often have problems acting out characters that aren't my own and I critique the fuck out of plays and I get really ruffled by directors who don't see the deeper and more essential and broader scopes of the plays we are working on, twisting them into something really weird and different from the playwright's perspective....But then again, I feel like there is a part of me that feels that I haven't truly explore the art of acting and what it means to be an actor because I have been for the most part just studying it and not getting that much work.... Well, and with this realization that I want to start getting more work comes with it the desire to stop going to that particular acting school. You see, my chinese zodiac sign for what its worth is a horse. And I feel constricted and I need to fucking RUNNNNNNNN ESCAPE!! Lol and I need to close that chapter in my life and move forward. But here's the pinch.... I'm a goddamn people pleaser. WHY THE FUCK AM I?!! I'm the sort of person that when you kinda know me, you think I'm the sweetest more moral, upright decent person you've ever met and then on the deeper level, I'm righteous, intimidating, somewhat scary and extremely passionate. (these things I've been told and hence why no man wants me) But MOVING ON....and well, I don't know how to break it to the people at the acting school and I'm hoping that writing this will help me grow some fkn ovaries and tell them like it is.... I think I need to be like Kai (this is why I admire him so much) and just speak from the heart (GHEY I KNOW) and just tell them how I honestly feel and yadda yadda...but god...where is this anxiety coming from?!!! WO-MAN UP LEXIIIIIII!!! I just don't want to ever see the inside of that school again... I need to reinvent myself and move forward as an artist and as an actor and I just feel like that place holds me back in the sense that it is infused with my former more timid self. (Often times the sweetness which is legit, forces the more aggressive me into a timid role) and I need to break out and be who I am. Gah.... I think...these things are growing pains. The old me would just cut ties completely but that isn't very mature and it isn't the right thing to do. Although, it is very tempting...but it's cowardly and definitely not the person I want to be. So, tomorrow, I'm going to give them a call and tell them like it is. Tell them that I need some time away from act one (that's the school) and that preferably I would like to stop doing work study and just move forward with my life. Yes, that's what I need to do *tells self this and builds up strength to grow some ovaries*