Forward and Counting
Title: Forward and Counting [Part 3 of the Stage it Out Loud series; 1: No More Secrets and 2: Intermission]
Pairing: YunJae; YooMin
Length: 7/50
Genre: Romance; Humor; Angst
Warning(s): Homophobia, Cursing, Suicidal thoughts, Drug addiction, HIV mentions, Anxiety disorder, Self harm, Prostitution, Violence, Bashing, Depression
Rating: NC17 / PG15
Disclaimer: Seriously?
Summary: Out of a loop and into the future, how can TVXQ survive a shift in cultures and societal viewpoints as they move back home to brave the uncertain waters that are their Korean careers? Jaejoong can't exactly focus on the bleakness of their work, however, if he is too distracted by the bleakness of their home. Yunho and Changmin, though now separate, find it difficult to distance their bond, Yoochun knows the lack of argument in his and Changmin's relationship is unhealthy, and Jaejoong wonders how he and Yunho will fair the rocky undertones of their dysfunctional relationship. And what of Junsu? What of their families?
00 | 01 | 02 | 03: PG15 / NC17 | 04 | 05 | 06
CHAPTER SEVEN
Changmin winces at the grip Yunho has on his wrist. He's dragged through the living room and into the kitchen, where Yoochun and Jaejoong have also chosen to settle in.
Yoochun rises when Yunho finally releases Changmin. “Uh.” He picks up his coffee. “Jaejoong, there was something I wanted to show you in my room.”
Jaejoong takes the hint and to Changmin's surprise, he doesn't say anything. He simply rises and follows, looking between Changmin and Yunho before stepping out of the room.
Changmin is grateful. He would have never asked Jaejoong to change, but even so, he appreciates the breathing room Jaejoong was so averse to provide several weeks ago.
Yunho is already making two cups of coffee from the fresh pot on the counter.
Changmin doesn't know what to do with himself. “Table or bar?” he asks.
Yunho shrugs.
Changmin sits at the table.
“So your mom,” Yunho says. With his back turned, Changmin can't read his expression.
“Yeah,” Changmin says. “It was a little sudden.”
“Did you go to see her?” Yunho asks, setting a cup in front of Changmin and sitting across from him.
Changmin nods. “I took Yoochun. He drove.” He takes a sip of his coffee, then says while looking into it, “She slapped me.”
Yunho lowers his cup.
“I don't know why,” Changmin says. “It could be for a number of reasons. Because I'm gay; because I kept it from her; because I haven't been in contact.” He laughs nervously. “I should save that for Nakama, shouldn't I?”
“No.” Yunho touches his hand. “You can talk about this with me. You know that.”
Changmin smiles his appreciation. “I told her that I'm with Yoochun now,” he says. “She invited us inside.”
“How did that go?” Yunho asks skeptically.
“It was awful,” Changmin says with another laugh. “Purely awful. Yoochun almost cried, it was so terrible. My father nearly burned two holes into Yoochun's skull with his glare, and my mom wasn't listening to a word he was saying. They sent my sisters to a friend's house before we got there.” He sobers. “It was just... She just wanted to see me, I guess. And my father couldn't look at me. Not once.”
Yunho's holding his entire hand now. “Was it at least worth it?” he asks.
Changmin is very aware of what Yunho must be thinking right now. It takes a moment for him to respond.
“My mom hugged Yoochun,” he says. “Randomly. And she asked for him to take care of me.”
Yunho drops his eyes, his hold on Changmin's hand loosening.
“But I think they're going to ignore my sexuality,” Changmin says. “They won't listen to Yoochun, so I'm sure they have no intention of welcoming him into the family any time soon, and I doubt they'll ever mention my love life or ask about it.”
Yunho nods.
Changmin sighs. “But yeah. I'd say it was worth it.” He re-grips Yunho's hand where Yunho has let him go. “I missed her, hyung. I'm sorry.”
Yunho shakes his head, leaning back in. “I know you did. You don't need to apologize. We don't have to go through everything together.”
Changmin doesn't like the implication there. He grips Yunho's hand tighter. “I think we should talk,” he says.
Yunho looks surprised. “Okay.”
Changmin nods and lets him go. “I'll freshen your coffee.”
Yunho allows him to take their half-empty mugs to the counter. “What do you want to talk about?” he asks when Changmin returns.
“I'm dating Yoochun,” Changmin says, getting settled.
“Congratulations?” Yunho replies.
“And you're dating Jaejoong,” Changmin says.
“I am very much dating Jaejoong,” Yunho says.
Changmin takes a deep breath. “Do you have my...?”
“Oh.” Yunho pulls the prescription bag from his satchel and hands it over. “Here.”
Changmin rips it open, takes an exaggerated look at his watch so Yunho knows he's not taking the medication in excess, and pops a pill. He swigs it down with a drink of coffee.
Yunho watches him. “Do you want to talk about our relationship?” he asks.
Changmin glances at him over the rim of his mug.
“You're too nervous for it to be anything else,” Yunho explains. “Unless you ran into my parents today, too.”
Changmin sets down his mug.
Yunho stiffens. “You didn't, did you?”
“No,” Changmin says. “It's about us. We left things a little unfinished, I think.”
Yunho nods. “I've been thinking about it, too.”
“Oh.” Changmin coughs. “So let's talk about it.”
They sit in silence for a moment.
“Well, we're dating Jaejoong and Yoochun,” Yunho says eventually.
“Yes,” Changmin says.
“Which is what we said we wanted,” Yunho continues.
“That's what we said,” Changmin agrees.
Yunho sighs. “Changmin, just talk. What is it you want to say?”
Changmin frowns. “Why are you getting upset?”
“I'm not-” Yunho slumps low in his seat. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”
“We have to talk about it eventually,” Changmin says. “Yoochun doesn't like this.”
“Neither does Jaejoong,” Yunho says.
“And I don't, either,” Changmin says softly.
Yunho softens. “Neither do I.”
“Okay,” Changmin says. “Let's talk about it.”
“Okay,” Yunho says.
Changmin deflates. “You start.”
“You're the one who initiated the conversation,” Yunho argues.
“I don't know how to have this conversation,” Changmin says.
“And you think I do?” Yunho asks.
“You were my first boyfriend,” Changmin says.
“All of my other relationships were pretty straightforward,” Yunho says. “Romantic. Dating. Sex. With you, it's different.”
“That's the point, though,” Changmin says. “I'm not different.”
“You are.” Yunho places his elbows on the table. “Changmin, I get it. We were dating. We said it was to get over them, but it was really just us being together.”
Changmin stares at him. “You got that?”
“I'm not fucking stupid,” Yunho says. “And I know you're hurt because of the whole thinking I don't get it thing.”
Changmin pushes away his coffee. “So I just hurt myself by not trusting you,” he translates.
“No.” Yunho cools, shaking his head. “I'm not saying that. It's my fault, if anyone's.”
“Nakama says that no one can make anyone feel anything,” Changmin murmurs. “We choose to feel hurt over things, especially things we misinterpret.”
“You should have asked me,” Yunho says, “there's no doubt there. But I've never been extremely clear about my feelings. I gave you reason to not trust me. We should have talked about it.”
Changmin sighs. “In your defense, you did ask me if I wanted to try another romantic relationship before you confessed to Jaejoong.”
“Yes,” Yunho says. “I committed to you before I ever committed to him. No matter what lingering feelings I had for him, you got precedence.”
“I didn't mean to make you feel stupid,” Changmin says, sliding his coffee back over. “I just didn't think you could... go for someone like me.”
“Changmin-ah...” Yunho says.
“No,” Changmin argues. “I don't know if you've looked at your track record lately, but Seokjin, Jiyun, Jaejoong-all fucking beautiful people. Hanwoo would be your only exception, and we don't even compliment each other sexually-”
“You're beautiful,” Yunho says exasperatedly, “and I could tone down my libido-but what I'm trying to get at is that you are different from all of them.”
Changmin looks at his coffee, then meets Yunho's gaze.
“You are,” Yunho repeats, quieter.
Changmin pulls his knees to his chest, rests his heels on the edge of his seat. He cradles his coffee against his chest. “... How?” he asks. “How am I different?”
Yunho looks into the empty living room, and Changmin follows his gaze. Everything is silent, then Yunho sighs.
“Because I can't lose you,” Yunho says.
Changmin blushes a little.
“It's... It's different 'cause...” Yunho flounders for a way to phrase his thoughts. He never has been good with words unless they're to deter the attention of the media. Changmin is flattered by his struggle. “With all my exes, it was the lust that came first, I guess,” he says. “Then the love since I fall in love quickly. It was the same for Jaejoong. The moment I saw him I wanted him. I couldn't act on it but I still fell for him eventually. For you, you were young.”
“I was Jiyun's age,” Changmin reminds him.
“Yeah, but you were fifteen when we met. By the time I met Jiyun when you both were nineteen, you had already been in the band for a while. The love came first with you. A different type of love. Not romantic, but still strong.”
Changmin nods.
“I guess it was a familial love,” Yunho says. “Brotherly. But then it became sexual.”
“But not until we got back together,” Changmin says quietly. “I thought you were thinking of Jaejoong.”
“That's creepy,” Yunho says with a twist of his mouth. “Of course I was thinking of you. I had already been kind of wanting you for a while.”
Changmin flushes. “Can we move on?”
Yunho smirks. “Okay. Anyway, I grew to love you a lot, and it eventually shifted from a brotherly love to a more intimate love, and it was weird in a `I want to fuck you in a friend way' type of situation-” Changmin laughs. “-so I was confused. It wasn't romantic. It's still not, probably won't be unless Jaejoong and I break up. But I can't lose you.” He runs a hand through his hair. “If Jaejoong and I broke up and he never wanted to see me again, I would be heartbroken, would probably break up the band and retire, but if you left me... I don't think I'd be able to move on. It would literally be the worst breakup of my life.”
Changmin smiles. “You're kind of really adorable right now.”
Yunho groans. He hides his face in his arms. “See? This is why I don't talk about feelings.”
Changmin takes a moment to just smile down at him. Then he places his mug on the table and wraps his arms around his knees. “My feelings for you are a little more complicated,” he concedes.
Yunho peeks at him and sighs. “Why are we always so complicated?” he asks.
Changmin chuckles. “We tend to gravitate toward the word, don't we?” he asks.
Yunho sits up. He leans back in his seat. “How do you feel about me, then?” he asks.
Changmin lowers his eyes. “I'm not really sure.”
Yunho doesn't pry, though it looks like he wants to. He runs a hand through his hair. “So, we good now?”
Changmin smiles, releasing the tension in his shoulders. “Yeah.”
“Cool.” Yunho stands up. “So we're done here, then?”
“No,” Changmin says.
Yunho sits back down.
“You think if we go back out there right now Yoochun and Jaejoong are going to magically be comfortable with how we are?” Changmin asks.
“How do you mean?” Yunho asks.
“Jaejoong-hyung is threatened that I call you Yunho,” Changmin says. “We just got over a spat. If anything, we're going to be more affectionate now. Yoochun said he'd be fine as long as we aren't technically romantic, but considering how much of a dick he was when we were dating, I doubt it.”
Yunho nods, grimacing. “I guess. And Jaejoong is going through enough right now trying to figure himself out. He shouldn't need to be struggling with jealousy.”
“That's what I'm thinking,” Changmin says.
“So what do you suggest?” Yunho asks. He looks a little worried. “You don't want to make a no-contact rule, do you? Or limit our time together or something?”
“No,” Changmin says. “The opposite, actually. But while we're on the subject, what's with you and no-contact rules? Yoochun can't look at me now? It was already bad enough before when you ruled that he couldn't talk to me. You have a problem.”
“Changju wanted you to break up,” Yunho argues. “It was the best solution I could think of.”
Changmin rolls his eyes. “Whatever. On to my suggestion.”
Yunho leans forward readily.
Changmin hesitates.
Yunho smiles. “I'll freshen the coffee this time.” He rises, taking the mugs with him.
When he returns, Changmin clears his throat. “I've been doing some research.”
“It says a lot about how fucked society is, doesn't it?” Yunho asks, sipping his coffee. “No one knows anything. You have to look something up. Sometimes you don't even know what to look up, but you have to look something up, you know that much. We do so much research in this household I think half of us should have majors in queer studies.”
Changmin sighs, muttering, “You're terrifying when you get all philosophical.”
“It's literally the only time I have any sex appeal,” Yunho says.
“I wanted to see if there were others in similar situations,” Changmin says after a pause. “You know, similar to our own. And there are.”
Yunho almost looks shocked. “There are?”
“Yeah,” Changmin says. “Apparently it isn't so unique to be in love with one person but still need another. There's a word for it.”
“Codependent?” Yunho asks.
“Queerplatonic, you ass,” Changmin replies.
“Queerplatonic...” Yunho says thoughtfully.
“Or quasiplatonic if we're uncomfortable with the word queer,” Changmin says with a nod. “It's a relatively new word, made by aromantics who were fed up with lacking a vocabulary to describe their life partnerships.”
Yunho smiles at him patiently.
Changmin tries not to smile back. “Aromantics are people who don't experience romantic attraction or romantic love.”
“Is that possible?” Yunho asks uncertainly.
“Yes,” Changmin replies, “but that's not what we're talking about right now. A queerplatonic relationship is a type of platonic relationship, sexual or nonsexual, it's case by case. It differs from basic friendship in that it isn't more important or anything, just that it's committed and requires the same amount of hard work and frustration as a romantic relationship.”
“Like the difference between how I feel about you and how I feel about Junsu,” Yunho says.
“I certainly hope so,” Changmin says. “It can be closed, where neither participant seeks romantic or sexual relationships on the side, or it can be open, where they do.”
“A non-romantic relationship,” Yunho translates.
“Yeah,” Changmin says. “Though it can appear romantic. Hand-holding, dates, sex, living together, children, etc. But as long as both of the people in the relationship are aware that there isn't a romantic connection-or if it's one-sided because one of the people isn't aromantic but the other is, and that person is okay and happy with it-then it's a queerplatonic relationship, or it can be. They have to be comfortable with the label.”
Yunho nods.
“Some might argue that how you feel for me is queerplatonic,” Changmin says with a nervous smile. “I think we're pretty much already life partners, no matter what relationship we have, but I think we should commit to a label. We know it's not romantic between us, but it looks that way to everyone else. They think we should just go back to being best friends, telling each other everything and drinking beers, but we're not.”
Yunho lowers his eyes, nodding again slowly.
“And I think it will be good for us,” Changmin says. “They're not the only ones confused by us. I'm confused, too. I think you might be fine with us being however we are, but I want something more intimate than just going back.” He resists shying away when Yunho lifts his eyes. “I guess this is really all I want from you right now.”
“Don't assume how I feel for you,” Yunho says softly, then firmer, “Would you really be happy with this?”
“If you're happy, too,” Changmin says quietly.
“I'm admittedly a little confused by the term,” Yunho says, “but I get it on a basic level. Committed platonic relationship. Check. I'm just concerned that you won't be completely happy if it isn't romantic.”
“Are you suggesting polyamory?” Changmin asks, confused.
Yunho shakes his head. “Even if Jaejoong was okay with that-which he's not, I don't even have to ask him-I'm a serial monogamist, and ultimately I'd fall in love with one of you.”
Changmin can't really believe they're having this conversation. “I've also thought of polyamory, but I don't think it would work for me, either. I'm starting to think that having romantic feelings for multiple people isn't impossible for me, but I only want one boyfriend.”
“So the... queerplatonic, was it? That would be enough for you?” Yunho asks.
“Queerplatonic relationships aren't inferior to romantic relationships, nor are they a step down from them,” Changmin says. “They're just different. It's unlike our previous relationship because this isn't us waiting to be together. This would be us being together, but platonically, whereas we're romantically with Yoochun and Jaejoong. I guess it's a type of polyamory.”
Yunho nods. “So... you're asking me out? Platonically?”
Changmin smiles. “Yeah. You might want to do a little research before agreeing.”
Yunho shakes his head. “I definitely need to research, but I'll agree now. Of course I'll do this with you.”
Changmin tries to not smile wider. “You don't want to ask Jaejoong first?”
“I don't need his permission to decide something I need for myself,” Yunho says. “He'll understand that. Besides, I think the whole committing to a label thing will put him at ease a bit. It gives him something to Google. Better yet, why don't we all Google it? Together? It affects the four of us.”
Changmin grins. “I like that idea. I haven't told Yoochun yet, and he'll have a lot of questions.”
“So.” Yunho drums on the table. “How do we make this work?”
Changmin leans on the table excitedly. “Well, we set conditions, just like with any relationship. Like, we shouldn't be sexual. I wouldn't mind-I'm actually really happy that we were able to reach that level of intimacy, even if it only happened once-but I don't think Yoochun and Jaejoong-hyung would approve.”
“Oh god, no,” Yunho says, though he too looks a little disappointed. “I think kissing is out, too.”
“Can we at least peck or something?” Changmin asks. “Just when we're alone? We won't hide it or anything, but-”
“Just not to rub it in their faces,” Yunho says.
“Right,” Changmin says. “Just... friend kisses? It sounds childish, I know.”
Yunho's smile is fond. “I understand. But I think I'll have to run it by Jaejoong. We haven't been together long and I don't know what he considers cheating.”
Changmin thinks of Yoochun and he supposes he should ask, as well.
“Dates?” Yunho asks. “You said that was a thing for these types of relationships?”
“Queerplatonic,” Changmin says slowly.
“I'll have it memorized by the end of this conversation,” Yunho says with a chuckle.
Changmin rolls his eyes again. “We should have a date night,” he says. “We have boyfriends, so it'll be difficult finding time for each other.” He pauses when he sees the way Yunho is looking at him. “What?” he asks.
Yunho shrugs. “I love you.”
Changmin laughs, then leans in to peck him on the cheek. “I love you, too.”
~
When Yunho gets to Jaejoong's bedroom after he and Changmin have settled all the details-and they've parted with an uncertain peck on the mouth-Jaejoong is already asleep.
Yunho chuckles and closes the door. He sits on the edge of the bed.
“This is going to be great, Jae-yah,” he whispers, brushing Jaejoong's hair out of his eyes. “We can stop walking on eggshells around each other.”
Despite the silent exclamation, he worries. He worries that Jaejoong might not like this, that Changmin will be hurt by the rejection. That this might not be the fix he and Changmin are hoping it'll be.
And if it isn't, where do they go from here?
A/N: For those wondering, their apartment has a dining room and a small table in the kitchen. Yay, continuity.
I sacrificed a chapter for HoMin's QPR, as it seems. Links on QPR's and aromanticism and such: Aromantics Wiki, qpadvice, fuckyeahzuchinis, a List on Aromanticism. I wasn't too sure about putting a QPR into FAC, but I've written myself into a corner where HoMin is concerned. There is literally nowhere else for them to go unless they become a romantic couple, and I'm not changing the pairings. Plus, I needed to do this for myself. Usually I'm throwing things in here for representation and educational purposes, and I usually leave me out of the equation as much as I can, but I recently had a panic attack in regards to this fic and my being aromantic (writing/reading romance is difficult ever since figuring out that I'm incapable of romantic attraction; I'm basically writing about something beautiful that I'll never have) but a QPR is something I can/will have in the future (with more than one person; yay polyamory!) and the love Yunho and Changmin have for each other is something that I'm capable of and will hopefully have. This fic means so much to me and I'd break down if I couldn't see it through to the end because of my mental health. Putting this in here-this platonic, quiet love-is just a little something that won't affect the course of the story too much while still giving me something to look forward to playing around with. I might do other QP fics in the future :)
Pairing: YunJae; YooMin
Length: 7/50
Genre: Romance; Humor; Angst
Warning(s): Homophobia, Cursing, Suicidal thoughts, Drug addiction, HIV mentions, Anxiety disorder, Self harm, Prostitution, Violence, Bashing, Depression
Rating: NC17 / PG15
Disclaimer: Seriously?
Summary: Out of a loop and into the future, how can TVXQ survive a shift in cultures and societal viewpoints as they move back home to brave the uncertain waters that are their Korean careers? Jaejoong can't exactly focus on the bleakness of their work, however, if he is too distracted by the bleakness of their home. Yunho and Changmin, though now separate, find it difficult to distance their bond, Yoochun knows the lack of argument in his and Changmin's relationship is unhealthy, and Jaejoong wonders how he and Yunho will fair the rocky undertones of their dysfunctional relationship. And what of Junsu? What of their families?
00 | 01 | 02 | 03: PG15 / NC17 | 04 | 05 | 06
CHAPTER SEVEN
Changmin winces at the grip Yunho has on his wrist. He's dragged through the living room and into the kitchen, where Yoochun and Jaejoong have also chosen to settle in.
Yoochun rises when Yunho finally releases Changmin. “Uh.” He picks up his coffee. “Jaejoong, there was something I wanted to show you in my room.”
Jaejoong takes the hint and to Changmin's surprise, he doesn't say anything. He simply rises and follows, looking between Changmin and Yunho before stepping out of the room.
Changmin is grateful. He would have never asked Jaejoong to change, but even so, he appreciates the breathing room Jaejoong was so averse to provide several weeks ago.
Yunho is already making two cups of coffee from the fresh pot on the counter.
Changmin doesn't know what to do with himself. “Table or bar?” he asks.
Yunho shrugs.
Changmin sits at the table.
“So your mom,” Yunho says. With his back turned, Changmin can't read his expression.
“Yeah,” Changmin says. “It was a little sudden.”
“Did you go to see her?” Yunho asks, setting a cup in front of Changmin and sitting across from him.
Changmin nods. “I took Yoochun. He drove.” He takes a sip of his coffee, then says while looking into it, “She slapped me.”
Yunho lowers his cup.
“I don't know why,” Changmin says. “It could be for a number of reasons. Because I'm gay; because I kept it from her; because I haven't been in contact.” He laughs nervously. “I should save that for Nakama, shouldn't I?”
“No.” Yunho touches his hand. “You can talk about this with me. You know that.”
Changmin smiles his appreciation. “I told her that I'm with Yoochun now,” he says. “She invited us inside.”
“How did that go?” Yunho asks skeptically.
“It was awful,” Changmin says with another laugh. “Purely awful. Yoochun almost cried, it was so terrible. My father nearly burned two holes into Yoochun's skull with his glare, and my mom wasn't listening to a word he was saying. They sent my sisters to a friend's house before we got there.” He sobers. “It was just... She just wanted to see me, I guess. And my father couldn't look at me. Not once.”
Yunho's holding his entire hand now. “Was it at least worth it?” he asks.
Changmin is very aware of what Yunho must be thinking right now. It takes a moment for him to respond.
“My mom hugged Yoochun,” he says. “Randomly. And she asked for him to take care of me.”
Yunho drops his eyes, his hold on Changmin's hand loosening.
“But I think they're going to ignore my sexuality,” Changmin says. “They won't listen to Yoochun, so I'm sure they have no intention of welcoming him into the family any time soon, and I doubt they'll ever mention my love life or ask about it.”
Yunho nods.
Changmin sighs. “But yeah. I'd say it was worth it.” He re-grips Yunho's hand where Yunho has let him go. “I missed her, hyung. I'm sorry.”
Yunho shakes his head, leaning back in. “I know you did. You don't need to apologize. We don't have to go through everything together.”
Changmin doesn't like the implication there. He grips Yunho's hand tighter. “I think we should talk,” he says.
Yunho looks surprised. “Okay.”
Changmin nods and lets him go. “I'll freshen your coffee.”
Yunho allows him to take their half-empty mugs to the counter. “What do you want to talk about?” he asks when Changmin returns.
“I'm dating Yoochun,” Changmin says, getting settled.
“Congratulations?” Yunho replies.
“And you're dating Jaejoong,” Changmin says.
“I am very much dating Jaejoong,” Yunho says.
Changmin takes a deep breath. “Do you have my...?”
“Oh.” Yunho pulls the prescription bag from his satchel and hands it over. “Here.”
Changmin rips it open, takes an exaggerated look at his watch so Yunho knows he's not taking the medication in excess, and pops a pill. He swigs it down with a drink of coffee.
Yunho watches him. “Do you want to talk about our relationship?” he asks.
Changmin glances at him over the rim of his mug.
“You're too nervous for it to be anything else,” Yunho explains. “Unless you ran into my parents today, too.”
Changmin sets down his mug.
Yunho stiffens. “You didn't, did you?”
“No,” Changmin says. “It's about us. We left things a little unfinished, I think.”
Yunho nods. “I've been thinking about it, too.”
“Oh.” Changmin coughs. “So let's talk about it.”
They sit in silence for a moment.
“Well, we're dating Jaejoong and Yoochun,” Yunho says eventually.
“Yes,” Changmin says.
“Which is what we said we wanted,” Yunho continues.
“That's what we said,” Changmin agrees.
Yunho sighs. “Changmin, just talk. What is it you want to say?”
Changmin frowns. “Why are you getting upset?”
“I'm not-” Yunho slumps low in his seat. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”
“We have to talk about it eventually,” Changmin says. “Yoochun doesn't like this.”
“Neither does Jaejoong,” Yunho says.
“And I don't, either,” Changmin says softly.
Yunho softens. “Neither do I.”
“Okay,” Changmin says. “Let's talk about it.”
“Okay,” Yunho says.
Changmin deflates. “You start.”
“You're the one who initiated the conversation,” Yunho argues.
“I don't know how to have this conversation,” Changmin says.
“And you think I do?” Yunho asks.
“You were my first boyfriend,” Changmin says.
“All of my other relationships were pretty straightforward,” Yunho says. “Romantic. Dating. Sex. With you, it's different.”
“That's the point, though,” Changmin says. “I'm not different.”
“You are.” Yunho places his elbows on the table. “Changmin, I get it. We were dating. We said it was to get over them, but it was really just us being together.”
Changmin stares at him. “You got that?”
“I'm not fucking stupid,” Yunho says. “And I know you're hurt because of the whole thinking I don't get it thing.”
Changmin pushes away his coffee. “So I just hurt myself by not trusting you,” he translates.
“No.” Yunho cools, shaking his head. “I'm not saying that. It's my fault, if anyone's.”
“Nakama says that no one can make anyone feel anything,” Changmin murmurs. “We choose to feel hurt over things, especially things we misinterpret.”
“You should have asked me,” Yunho says, “there's no doubt there. But I've never been extremely clear about my feelings. I gave you reason to not trust me. We should have talked about it.”
Changmin sighs. “In your defense, you did ask me if I wanted to try another romantic relationship before you confessed to Jaejoong.”
“Yes,” Yunho says. “I committed to you before I ever committed to him. No matter what lingering feelings I had for him, you got precedence.”
“I didn't mean to make you feel stupid,” Changmin says, sliding his coffee back over. “I just didn't think you could... go for someone like me.”
“Changmin-ah...” Yunho says.
“No,” Changmin argues. “I don't know if you've looked at your track record lately, but Seokjin, Jiyun, Jaejoong-all fucking beautiful people. Hanwoo would be your only exception, and we don't even compliment each other sexually-”
“You're beautiful,” Yunho says exasperatedly, “and I could tone down my libido-but what I'm trying to get at is that you are different from all of them.”
Changmin looks at his coffee, then meets Yunho's gaze.
“You are,” Yunho repeats, quieter.
Changmin pulls his knees to his chest, rests his heels on the edge of his seat. He cradles his coffee against his chest. “... How?” he asks. “How am I different?”
Yunho looks into the empty living room, and Changmin follows his gaze. Everything is silent, then Yunho sighs.
“Because I can't lose you,” Yunho says.
Changmin blushes a little.
“It's... It's different 'cause...” Yunho flounders for a way to phrase his thoughts. He never has been good with words unless they're to deter the attention of the media. Changmin is flattered by his struggle. “With all my exes, it was the lust that came first, I guess,” he says. “Then the love since I fall in love quickly. It was the same for Jaejoong. The moment I saw him I wanted him. I couldn't act on it but I still fell for him eventually. For you, you were young.”
“I was Jiyun's age,” Changmin reminds him.
“Yeah, but you were fifteen when we met. By the time I met Jiyun when you both were nineteen, you had already been in the band for a while. The love came first with you. A different type of love. Not romantic, but still strong.”
Changmin nods.
“I guess it was a familial love,” Yunho says. “Brotherly. But then it became sexual.”
“But not until we got back together,” Changmin says quietly. “I thought you were thinking of Jaejoong.”
“That's creepy,” Yunho says with a twist of his mouth. “Of course I was thinking of you. I had already been kind of wanting you for a while.”
Changmin flushes. “Can we move on?”
Yunho smirks. “Okay. Anyway, I grew to love you a lot, and it eventually shifted from a brotherly love to a more intimate love, and it was weird in a `I want to fuck you in a friend way' type of situation-” Changmin laughs. “-so I was confused. It wasn't romantic. It's still not, probably won't be unless Jaejoong and I break up. But I can't lose you.” He runs a hand through his hair. “If Jaejoong and I broke up and he never wanted to see me again, I would be heartbroken, would probably break up the band and retire, but if you left me... I don't think I'd be able to move on. It would literally be the worst breakup of my life.”
Changmin smiles. “You're kind of really adorable right now.”
Yunho groans. He hides his face in his arms. “See? This is why I don't talk about feelings.”
Changmin takes a moment to just smile down at him. Then he places his mug on the table and wraps his arms around his knees. “My feelings for you are a little more complicated,” he concedes.
Yunho peeks at him and sighs. “Why are we always so complicated?” he asks.
Changmin chuckles. “We tend to gravitate toward the word, don't we?” he asks.
Yunho sits up. He leans back in his seat. “How do you feel about me, then?” he asks.
Changmin lowers his eyes. “I'm not really sure.”
Yunho doesn't pry, though it looks like he wants to. He runs a hand through his hair. “So, we good now?”
Changmin smiles, releasing the tension in his shoulders. “Yeah.”
“Cool.” Yunho stands up. “So we're done here, then?”
“No,” Changmin says.
Yunho sits back down.
“You think if we go back out there right now Yoochun and Jaejoong are going to magically be comfortable with how we are?” Changmin asks.
“How do you mean?” Yunho asks.
“Jaejoong-hyung is threatened that I call you Yunho,” Changmin says. “We just got over a spat. If anything, we're going to be more affectionate now. Yoochun said he'd be fine as long as we aren't technically romantic, but considering how much of a dick he was when we were dating, I doubt it.”
Yunho nods, grimacing. “I guess. And Jaejoong is going through enough right now trying to figure himself out. He shouldn't need to be struggling with jealousy.”
“That's what I'm thinking,” Changmin says.
“So what do you suggest?” Yunho asks. He looks a little worried. “You don't want to make a no-contact rule, do you? Or limit our time together or something?”
“No,” Changmin says. “The opposite, actually. But while we're on the subject, what's with you and no-contact rules? Yoochun can't look at me now? It was already bad enough before when you ruled that he couldn't talk to me. You have a problem.”
“Changju wanted you to break up,” Yunho argues. “It was the best solution I could think of.”
Changmin rolls his eyes. “Whatever. On to my suggestion.”
Yunho leans forward readily.
Changmin hesitates.
Yunho smiles. “I'll freshen the coffee this time.” He rises, taking the mugs with him.
When he returns, Changmin clears his throat. “I've been doing some research.”
“It says a lot about how fucked society is, doesn't it?” Yunho asks, sipping his coffee. “No one knows anything. You have to look something up. Sometimes you don't even know what to look up, but you have to look something up, you know that much. We do so much research in this household I think half of us should have majors in queer studies.”
Changmin sighs, muttering, “You're terrifying when you get all philosophical.”
“It's literally the only time I have any sex appeal,” Yunho says.
“I wanted to see if there were others in similar situations,” Changmin says after a pause. “You know, similar to our own. And there are.”
Yunho almost looks shocked. “There are?”
“Yeah,” Changmin says. “Apparently it isn't so unique to be in love with one person but still need another. There's a word for it.”
“Codependent?” Yunho asks.
“Queerplatonic, you ass,” Changmin replies.
“Queerplatonic...” Yunho says thoughtfully.
“Or quasiplatonic if we're uncomfortable with the word queer,” Changmin says with a nod. “It's a relatively new word, made by aromantics who were fed up with lacking a vocabulary to describe their life partnerships.”
Yunho smiles at him patiently.
Changmin tries not to smile back. “Aromantics are people who don't experience romantic attraction or romantic love.”
“Is that possible?” Yunho asks uncertainly.
“Yes,” Changmin replies, “but that's not what we're talking about right now. A queerplatonic relationship is a type of platonic relationship, sexual or nonsexual, it's case by case. It differs from basic friendship in that it isn't more important or anything, just that it's committed and requires the same amount of hard work and frustration as a romantic relationship.”
“Like the difference between how I feel about you and how I feel about Junsu,” Yunho says.
“I certainly hope so,” Changmin says. “It can be closed, where neither participant seeks romantic or sexual relationships on the side, or it can be open, where they do.”
“A non-romantic relationship,” Yunho translates.
“Yeah,” Changmin says. “Though it can appear romantic. Hand-holding, dates, sex, living together, children, etc. But as long as both of the people in the relationship are aware that there isn't a romantic connection-or if it's one-sided because one of the people isn't aromantic but the other is, and that person is okay and happy with it-then it's a queerplatonic relationship, or it can be. They have to be comfortable with the label.”
Yunho nods.
“Some might argue that how you feel for me is queerplatonic,” Changmin says with a nervous smile. “I think we're pretty much already life partners, no matter what relationship we have, but I think we should commit to a label. We know it's not romantic between us, but it looks that way to everyone else. They think we should just go back to being best friends, telling each other everything and drinking beers, but we're not.”
Yunho lowers his eyes, nodding again slowly.
“And I think it will be good for us,” Changmin says. “They're not the only ones confused by us. I'm confused, too. I think you might be fine with us being however we are, but I want something more intimate than just going back.” He resists shying away when Yunho lifts his eyes. “I guess this is really all I want from you right now.”
“Don't assume how I feel for you,” Yunho says softly, then firmer, “Would you really be happy with this?”
“If you're happy, too,” Changmin says quietly.
“I'm admittedly a little confused by the term,” Yunho says, “but I get it on a basic level. Committed platonic relationship. Check. I'm just concerned that you won't be completely happy if it isn't romantic.”
“Are you suggesting polyamory?” Changmin asks, confused.
Yunho shakes his head. “Even if Jaejoong was okay with that-which he's not, I don't even have to ask him-I'm a serial monogamist, and ultimately I'd fall in love with one of you.”
Changmin can't really believe they're having this conversation. “I've also thought of polyamory, but I don't think it would work for me, either. I'm starting to think that having romantic feelings for multiple people isn't impossible for me, but I only want one boyfriend.”
“So the... queerplatonic, was it? That would be enough for you?” Yunho asks.
“Queerplatonic relationships aren't inferior to romantic relationships, nor are they a step down from them,” Changmin says. “They're just different. It's unlike our previous relationship because this isn't us waiting to be together. This would be us being together, but platonically, whereas we're romantically with Yoochun and Jaejoong. I guess it's a type of polyamory.”
Yunho nods. “So... you're asking me out? Platonically?”
Changmin smiles. “Yeah. You might want to do a little research before agreeing.”
Yunho shakes his head. “I definitely need to research, but I'll agree now. Of course I'll do this with you.”
Changmin tries to not smile wider. “You don't want to ask Jaejoong first?”
“I don't need his permission to decide something I need for myself,” Yunho says. “He'll understand that. Besides, I think the whole committing to a label thing will put him at ease a bit. It gives him something to Google. Better yet, why don't we all Google it? Together? It affects the four of us.”
Changmin grins. “I like that idea. I haven't told Yoochun yet, and he'll have a lot of questions.”
“So.” Yunho drums on the table. “How do we make this work?”
Changmin leans on the table excitedly. “Well, we set conditions, just like with any relationship. Like, we shouldn't be sexual. I wouldn't mind-I'm actually really happy that we were able to reach that level of intimacy, even if it only happened once-but I don't think Yoochun and Jaejoong-hyung would approve.”
“Oh god, no,” Yunho says, though he too looks a little disappointed. “I think kissing is out, too.”
“Can we at least peck or something?” Changmin asks. “Just when we're alone? We won't hide it or anything, but-”
“Just not to rub it in their faces,” Yunho says.
“Right,” Changmin says. “Just... friend kisses? It sounds childish, I know.”
Yunho's smile is fond. “I understand. But I think I'll have to run it by Jaejoong. We haven't been together long and I don't know what he considers cheating.”
Changmin thinks of Yoochun and he supposes he should ask, as well.
“Dates?” Yunho asks. “You said that was a thing for these types of relationships?”
“Queerplatonic,” Changmin says slowly.
“I'll have it memorized by the end of this conversation,” Yunho says with a chuckle.
Changmin rolls his eyes again. “We should have a date night,” he says. “We have boyfriends, so it'll be difficult finding time for each other.” He pauses when he sees the way Yunho is looking at him. “What?” he asks.
Yunho shrugs. “I love you.”
Changmin laughs, then leans in to peck him on the cheek. “I love you, too.”
~
When Yunho gets to Jaejoong's bedroom after he and Changmin have settled all the details-and they've parted with an uncertain peck on the mouth-Jaejoong is already asleep.
Yunho chuckles and closes the door. He sits on the edge of the bed.
“This is going to be great, Jae-yah,” he whispers, brushing Jaejoong's hair out of his eyes. “We can stop walking on eggshells around each other.”
Despite the silent exclamation, he worries. He worries that Jaejoong might not like this, that Changmin will be hurt by the rejection. That this might not be the fix he and Changmin are hoping it'll be.
And if it isn't, where do they go from here?
A/N: For those wondering, their apartment has a dining room and a small table in the kitchen. Yay, continuity.
I sacrificed a chapter for HoMin's QPR, as it seems. Links on QPR's and aromanticism and such: Aromantics Wiki, qpadvice, fuckyeahzuchinis, a List on Aromanticism. I wasn't too sure about putting a QPR into FAC, but I've written myself into a corner where HoMin is concerned. There is literally nowhere else for them to go unless they become a romantic couple, and I'm not changing the pairings. Plus, I needed to do this for myself. Usually I'm throwing things in here for representation and educational purposes, and I usually leave me out of the equation as much as I can, but I recently had a panic attack in regards to this fic and my being aromantic (writing/reading romance is difficult ever since figuring out that I'm incapable of romantic attraction; I'm basically writing about something beautiful that I'll never have) but a QPR is something I can/will have in the future (with more than one person; yay polyamory!) and the love Yunho and Changmin have for each other is something that I'm capable of and will hopefully have. This fic means so much to me and I'd break down if I couldn't see it through to the end because of my mental health. Putting this in here-this platonic, quiet love-is just a little something that won't affect the course of the story too much while still giving me something to look forward to playing around with. I might do other QP fics in the future :)