Forward and Counting
Title: Forward and Counting [Part 3 of the Stage it Out Loud series; 1: No More Secrets and 2: Intermission]
Pairing: YunJae; YooMin
Length: 6/50
Genre: Romance; Humor; Angst
Warning(s): Homophobia, Cursing, Suicidal thoughts, Drug addiction, HIV mentions, Anxiety disorder, Self harm, Prostitution, Violence, Bashing, Depression
Rating: NC17 / PG15
Disclaimer: Seriously?
Summary: Out of a loop and into the future, how can TVXQ survive a shift in cultures and societal viewpoints as they move back home to brave the uncertain waters that are their Korean careers? Jaejoong can't exactly focus on the bleakness of their work, however, if he is too distracted by the bleakness of their home. Yunho and Changmin, though now separate, find it difficult to distance their bond, Yoochun knows the lack of argument in his and Changmin's relationship is unhealthy, and Jaejoong wonders how he and Yunho will fair the rocky undertones of their dysfunctional relationship. And what of Junsu? What of their families?
00 | 01 | 02 | 03: PG15 / NC17 | 04 | 05
CHAPTER SIX
Yoochun studies Changmin with the deepest concern.
Changmin sits beside him in the passenger seat, staring out his window. He's been watching the house for over five minutes. It's small, white with blue trim. It has a raised wooden porch and a clear screen door. The lawn is freshly cut.
Yoochun moves to unbuckle his seatbelt, but Changmin closes a hand over his forearm.
“I need to do this alone,” Changmin says.
Yoochun lets go of his buckle.
They lapse again into silence, Changmin back to watching the silent house of his family.
He answers Yoochun's silent question without looking at him. “I just need a minute.”
“How long has it been?” Yoochun asks gently.
“Almost seven months,” Changmin replies. He sighs and releases his seatbelt. “I'll be back for you in a few minutes.”
Yoochun doesn't reply.
Changmin climbs out of the car and slams the door. He looks at the house again for another long moment before starting forward. His steps are slow and unsure, hands shaking as he smooths down his clothes, his hair, checks his face for smudges or grit.
Yoochun hopes he doesn't have a panic attack.
Changmin pauses at the foot of the porch, planting his feet shoulder width apart.
The door opens, then the screen door. A tiny woman, the spitting image of a feminine Changmin, steps out onto the porch and descends the steps. She stops in front of her son.
They stand for a split second, staring into each other's faces, before she lifts her hand and strikes Changmin across the cheek.
Changmin's head turns with the impact; Yoochun winces.
Changmin's mother says something to Changmin and points at the car from which Yoochun is watching. Then she turns on her heel and ascends the porch steps. She disappears into the house, only the screen door closing behind her.
Changmin turns and steps toward the car, expression unreadable.
Yoochun readies to start the engine when Changmin rounds the car and taps on the driver side window.
Yoochun rolls it down. “Yeah?”
“She wants to meet you,” Changmin says.
“She already knows me,” Yoochun says.
“As my band mate.” Changmin shrugs. “Not as my boyfriend.”
Yoochun stares at him. Any glee at his feelings officially being accepted and Changmin finally agreeing to a relationship is stomped out immediately at what is now expected of him: meeting Changmin's parents as their son's male lover.
“Don't worry too much,” Changmin says at the look of terror Yoochun is giving him. “They won't slap you.”
Yoochun silently exits his vehicle.
Changmin quickly sets to straightening Yoochun's attire, smoothing out wrinkles and taming his hair. Yoochun doesn't protest the fussing. Once Changmin is as satisfied as he's going to be, he pulls away. He squeezes Yoochun's pinky with his thumb and index finger, whether to comfort Yoochun or to comfort himself, Yoochun doesn't care.
“Alright,” Changmin says with faux enthusiasm. “Let's do this.”
*
Heechul is hardly in Yunho's arms a full two seconds before he appears to remember himself. He pushes Yunho away with surprising force, nearly knocking Yunho off his feet.
“Hey!” Jaejoong says, helping Yunho recapture his balance.
“Sorry,” Heechul says quietly, glancing about them. “Just-No one saw that, did they?”
Jaejoong's brow furrows-Boa kissed Yunho's cheek upon seeing him in front of the apartment complex, Choi Seunghyun practically picked him up and twirled him around when they saw each other at the super market-before it hits him: Heechul is gay.
Yunho pats Jaejoong's arm gratefully, putting some distance between them. “Good to see you, too,” he says to Heechul.
“We should talk,” Heechul says, “like, now.” He looks at Jaejoong. “Unless this is a date. If this is a date, we can talk later.”
Jaejoong opens his mouth to dismiss the idea, but Yunho speaks before he can.
“It's a date,” Yunho says. “But nothing's really open yet, so we have time.”
Jaejoong stares at him.
Heechul smiles. “Cool. With three of us, it shouldn't look suspicious.” He looks around. “How about the Happy Lemon?” he says, pointing at the restaurant down the street. “They're having a special today, so they opened early.”
“Sounds good,” Yunho says.
Heechul hurries ahead of them to catch a table.
Jaejoong pulls Yunho to look at him. “You're telling Heechul?” he asks. “What happened to keeping it secret?”
“It's Heechul,” Yunho says. “If you haven't noticed, he's gayer than me.”
“I've noticed,” Jaejoong says and adds mentally, just now. “But you never just tell people that we're dating. You haven't even told Boa.”
Yunho shrugs. They begin walking toward the restaurant. “The day I came out, Heechul nearly kicked my door down,” he says. “He was crying and he hugged me harder than he ever has. He told me that he's gay, that he's been so alone, that he's in love with Hangeng but he's afraid to tell him because Hangeng might hate him, that it's so hard. He fell asleep on top of me, the poor guy.” Yunho smiles at the memory. “That's when I decided that my coming out was something that people needed. It's why I've never really regretted it.”
Jaejoong ponders that, looking ahead to see Heechul waving vigorously from the table he's claimed. The few teenagers sitting at the tables around him stare openly.
“He's always seemed so sure of himself,” Jaejoong says
“A beautiful, narcissistic boy who secretly wishes he was anybody else?” Yunho looks at him. “Not so hard to imagine, is it?”
Jaejoong hides his amazement at that, crossing his arms. “You think he's beautiful?” he asks.
Yunho rolls his eyes. “Oh, we're going to start this, are we?”
Jaejoong pulls him to a stop. He smiles. “You think I'm beautiful?”
Yunho smiles back, taking Jaejoong's hand. “I've always thought that you're beautiful. Since the moment I laid eyes on you.”
Jaejoong blushes so hard it hurts.
Yunho moves forward again, pulling Jaejoong along for the first few steps before dropping his hand.
Jaejoong follows closely. He hasn't forgotten that day. The fear that the convenience store clerk would call the police. The relief and apprehension that followed a strange boy with ugly hair emerging from the store's gut.
They reach the table, and Yunho allows Jaejoong to slide into the booth before joining him.
“It's so good to see you,” Heechul says to Yunho. “And you, too,” he adds for Jaejoong's sake.
“It's been a few years,” Jaejoong agrees.
“How have you been?” Yunho asks.
“I've been... okay,” Heechul replies. “With Hangeng and everything...”
Yunho nods.
“And Leeteuk is being Leeteuk,” Heechul continues. “But what's new?”
“What's he done?” Jaejoong asks. “I've been gone too long.”
“He's homophobic,” Yunho says. “He means well, but he doesn't think about what he's saying.”
“He doesn't know when to stop,” Heechul says with a sigh. “It makes it hard to love him sometimes.”
“He doesn't know that you're...” Jaejoong gestures in way of finishing the sentence.
“None of Super Junior knows,” Yunho tells him.
Heechul smiles. “Actually...”
Yunho's eyebrows raise. “You told them?” he asks.
“Not all of them,” Heechul says. “That would be... no. I told Shindong. He took it well. Even hugged me. And I told Hangeng. He said he already knew.”
Yunho sits forward. “Did you confess?”
Heechul's smile sours. He nods.
“What did he say?” Jaejoong asks.
“He said he'd think about it,” Heechul says. “He hasn't gotten back to me.”
“That doesn't mean he'll say no,” Yunho says.
“If he wanted me, wouldn't he have said so on the spot?” Heechul asks.
“Not necessarily.” Jaejoong glances at Yunho. “I won't go into details, but...”
Yunho seems to pick up on where he's going. “We've had a similar history,” he says, touching Jaejoong's hand. “You have to wait for his answer before you can assume anything.”
Heechul sighs but nods. He pulls out his wallet. “Will a gentleman get a lady a beverage?” he asks the both of them.
Yunho laughs. “Oh, I see.” He slides out of the booth. “Black pearl sago?”
Heechul nods happily, handing over the wallet.
Yunho looks at Jaejoong.
“I'll have whatever you get,” Jaejoong says.
Yunho nods and heads into the restaurant.
*
A bead of sweat rolls down the curve of Yoochun's temple. He's sitting beside Changmin on the Shims' sofa, silently counting the heartbeats that sound in his ears.
Changmin's father sits in the armchair across from them. He can't look at Changmin, or so Yoochun assumes; the man hasn't looked his son in the eye once since they sat down. Instead, he glares at Yoochun with hard, darkened eyes. It takes all of Yoochun's effort to not scoot closer to Changmin.
Changmin's mother sits next to her husband in a hardback chair, looking pleasant in comparison to the man beside her. Unlike him, she meets Changmin's eyes, as well as Yoochun's, and she speaks with clear casual tones as she brings Changmin up to speed on what he's missed in his brief exile. She asks Yoochun a question every few minutes so as not to exclude him, but Yoochun isn't sure that she's listening to him.
“How is the lawsuit going, Yoochun-ssi?” she asks him for the third time.
Changmin sighs beside him. In contrast to him, Changmin is absolutely amazing, in Yoochun's opinion. Even with no medication to fall back on, Changmin hasn't risen once in the half hour they've been here to calm himself down. His breaths are deep and sustained, hands on his knees. He's bothered, as would be expected, but his back is straight and he looks his parents square in the eye.
Yoochun tries to stifle his lovesickness as he looks at Changmin's mother. “We've settled,” he repeats. “It's been good for us.”
“Oh good,” she says hollowly. “And how are Jaejoong and Junsu?”
“They're fine, ma'am,” Yoochun replies.
“Where are my sisters?” Changmin asks.
His mother looks at him. “School. Then study hall. You know the drill.”
“But it's still so early...” Changmin says.
“They're at a friend's house,” his mother says curtly.
Yoochun has a vague suspicion that she sent them away upon the news that their brother was visiting. Another sigh alerts him that Changmin has come to the some conclusion.
Suddenly upset, Yoochun looks to the side, but that only catches the eyes of Changmin's father. He glares at him bitterly, and Yoochun shudders. He's not so certain that he won't beat Changmin to the panic attack.
Changmin glances at him, then at his father. “Appa,” he chides.
His father lowers his gaze.
Changmin's knuckles turn white where he's clutching his knees. Yoochun wants desperately to comfort him.
“So Yoochun and I are dating now,” Changmin says quietly. “Yunho and I broke up a few weeks ago.”
His words are met with silence. Yoochun gulps.
Changmin's mother looks at Yoochun. “How is the lawsuit going?” she asks.
*
Heechul smiles at Jaejoong. “So you and Yunho,” he says.
“Yeah,” Jaejoong says.
“I knew something would happen eventually,” Heechul says. “You two just have that link. Like me and Hangeng.” He looks at the table. “Hopefully.”
“I can't believe I didn't know about you for all those years,” Jaejoong says thoughtfully.
“Neither can I,” Heechul says. “I mean, have you seen me?”
Jaejoong laughs. “Yeah, I guess you weren't really trying to hide it.”
Heechul shakes his head. “I was, I just wasn't very good at it. I'm still not. I'm a diva.”
Jaejoong laughs again.
“How long have you known?” Heechul asks quietly.
Jaejoong grimaces. “A month? Month and a half?”
Heechul grins. “I see. A newborn.”
Jaejoong rolls his eyes. “I prefer to consider myself a late bloomer.”
Heechul shrugs. “You don't have to be. Sexuality is fluid.” He pokes at his chest. “I liked girls until I was ten. Then I didn't like anyone until I was seventeen. Then a few years after puberty, I started liking men. Anyone else would say that I was just confused, but I don't think I ever was. I wanted a wife, then I didn't, then I wanted to be the wife.”
Jaejoong leans forward. “I've read that it's fluid,” he says, “but I've never actually met anyone who thinks that way.”
“That's because most people are pretty much set in stone their whole lives,” Heechul says. “It manifests itself in other ways, though. I know a few straight people online-no one I know in real life would admit it-who came to the conclusion later on in life that if they loved someone, gender wouldn't be an issue. That doesn't make them bi, though. They say stuff like maturing and loving more freely near the end of their lives but I think they just shimmied down the Kinsey Scale a bit.”
“Interesting,” Jaejoong says. He can imagine that something like that could be where Yoochun is. Not bi so much as not straight.
“Not that interesting,” Heechul says, flicking his hair out of his eyes. “Just an observation. It is annoying when you shift sexualities and no one believes you, though. Believing that you've been bi the whole time might be easier for you in the long run.”
Yunho rejoins them before Jaejoong can explain that he's pretty sure he's been bi for a while. Yunho has a drink in each hand and a third clutched precariously to his chest. Jaejoong rises to alleviate him of the third cup, and Yunho smiles in thanks.
“Boa tells me that you've been texting,” Heechul says to Yunho, sliding over his drink.
“A little,” Yunho says. “Nothing too noteworthy, though. She mostly wants me to meet up with you and Super Junior and make peace.”
“That sounds nice,” Heechul says. “Well, maybe not all of us. Maybe half of us.”
“I think that would defeat the purpose,” Yunho says.
Heechul rolls his eyes. “Leeteuk would hang out,” he says, “but he won't be quiet. I love him, and if he knew about me I'd put up with him because I love him, but I don't expect that from you. You're not in our band. You don't have to tolerate him on a daily basis.”
“I wouldn't mind so much if he'd keep his thoughts to himself,” Yunho says. “Changmin's the one who can't look at him without kneeing him in the groin.”
Heechul chuckles into his milk tea. “Oh, yeah, Leeteuk is still traumatized from that. Let me tell you, if Changmin wasn't so young and versatile, I'd have climbed him like a tree years ago.”
Jaejoong gapes and Yunho pinches the bridge of his nose in a mix of amusement and embarrassment.
“Um.” Jaejoong looks at Yunho. “What does versatile mean?”
“He can top or bottom,” Yunho replies. “Versatile.”
“I only do tops,” Heechul supplies helpfully with a wink, and he laughs at Jaejoong's blush. “Anyway,” he says, looking at his watch, “I should leave you to your date.”
Yunho stands with him and they hug, this time briefly.
Heechul smiles at him. “Or should I say, `Leave y'all to your date?' Is that how you say it in your back-country town?”
“Country boy jokes?” Yunho asks with a mock glare. “Really?”
“Text me, cowboy,” Heechul says, giggling.
“Yes, ma'am,” Yunho replies in his Gwangju dialect, and both Heechul and Jaejoong laugh.
When Heechul finally takes his leave, winking at them over his shoulder before slipping on his sunglasses, Yunho slides into Heechul's former seat across from Jaejoong.
“Well, hey there, cowboy,” Jaejoong says, grinning.
Yunho smirks and says, still in his home dialect, “You new to these parts, pretty thing?”
Jaejoong laughs to hard his tea comes out of his nose.
*
By the time Yoochun and Changmin climb back into the car for the ride home, an hour and a half has passed. Changmin's mother insisted that they stay for lunch, but Changmin nearly dragged Yoochun out of the house. Their retreat was hindered only by Changmin's mother pulling Yoochun to a stop with an oddly strong grip. Changmin turned, already at the bottom of the porch steps, as his mother looked Yoochun up and down and sighed. She fixed the cuff of Yoochun's sleeve where Changmin had grabbed him.
“Take care of my son,” she said, then coughed, then slammed the door behind her.
Now they sit in the car, Changmin staring at the house in a scene not unlike that of this morning.
“Baby,” Yoochun says. “Seatbelt.”
Changmin looks at him. “Hmm? Oh.” He secures the belt across his chest. “Thanks.”
“Do you want to talk before we go?” Yoochun asks.
Changmin smiles weakly. “Can we talk while we drive?”
Yoochun nods and pulls away from the curb.
Changmin clears his throat, visibly shaking himself out of his mood.
The moment they hit the highway, he says, “Yunho and I had a really unhealthy relationship.”
Yoochun glances at him.
“I don't mean that either of us was abusive,” Changmin continues. “We were good to each other, but we were delusional. Enabling. We weren't in love. It wasn't supposed to be a real relationship. We couldn't force our feelings for each other to be romantic. We had feelings for other people. You and Jaejoong.”
Yoochun keeps his eyes on the road.
Changmin steals a glance at him. “I told you I've liked you for a while. I wasn't lying.”
“So how did you and Yunho... become a thing?” Yoochun asks.
“He came out to me, then I came out to him,” Changmin replies. “It was just the next logical step. We dated for a week, and it ended in a horrible fight. I accused him of... things. It hurt him.” He pulls at his earlobe. “We decided that until a later date, we should just be friends. Then he told me about his feelings for Jaejoong, and I told him about my feelings for you. He got drunk one night and suggested that we pretend date while roleplaying as you and Jaejoong.”
Yoochun frowns. “Why would you role-play as the Soulmate Couple?”
“No,” Changmin says. “We'd role-play as YunJae, then role-play as YooMin. Pay attention.”
“Oh,” Yoochun replies sheepishly. “That's kind of romantic, I guess.”
“It's creepy, you fucking nerd,” Changmin says, scowling, and Yoochun laughs. “Besides, it didn't work. We were only supposed to do it until we got over you. It worked for me, but not because of the relationship.”
“How did you get over me, then?” Yoochun asks.
“You know how I got over you,” Changmin says coolly.
Yoochun's neck heats with shame.
“The whole thing was stupid,” Changmin says. “And crazy. We convinced ourselves that we were pretend dating, but the whole time we were just going through the motions of a relationship while waiting to be emotionally connected.”
“Uh...” Yoochun glances at him. “Could you translate that into Korean, Mr. Psychology Major?”
Changmin smiles a little before it fades. “It really had nothing to do with you or Jaejoong. We thought it was-we told ourselves that it was-but it was just an excuse. We wanted to be together. Me and him. Not me and you, not him and Jaejoong. Us. HoMin. We were dating, then we had a fight, so we broke up. We wanted to be together, though, so we made an excuse for us to get back together. We used our lingering feelings for you and Jaejoong. We were dating, but we were denying it. Saying it was something else.”
“You were in denial about... being in denial?” Yoochun asks. He shakes his head. “That sounds...”
“Complicated,” Changmin supplies with a dry chuckle. “Yeah. We know.” He pulls his camera from his bag and turns it on. He takes a picture of the cloud ahead of them. “And finally,” he says, “when we started becoming something definable and started moving toward an actual romantic relationship, Yunho broke up with me.”
Yoochun is silent for a moment. “Did he break your heart?” he asks softly.
“I don't know,” Changmin says, looking at his camera screen. “I think that I'm the only one who sees it this way, anyway.”
“What do you mean?” Yoochun asks.
Changmin sighs. “I don't think Yunho was in the relationship to be with me. I think I'm the only one who felt that way about our relationship. He really was just with me to get over Jaejoong.”
“He didn't notice that you were really dating each other?” Yoochun asks.
“No,” Changmin replies.
“Did he say that?”
“No.”
“Then ask him,” Yoochun says. “You can't just assume these things.”
“Are you really comfortable with this?” Changmin asks.
“No!” Yoochun replies. “Not at all. This is making me extremely uncomfortable, but you're the one who told me that Yunho is going to be in your life no matter what I say, and if he is, you might as well be happy about it.”
Changmin slumps in his seat. “Hyung.”
“I'm serious,” Yoochun says, turning on his blinker. “As your boyfriend, I can't say I'm not worried and I can't say that I won't be in the future, but I want you to be happy, and if having both of us makes you happy, then there isn't much I can say.”
“He's just going to think that I'm over-thinking everything,” Changmin mumbles.
“If in the off chance that he does,” Yoochun says, though he severely doubts it, “you should explain to him what you want from him. Otherwise you're just going to keep hurting each other without realizing it.”
“I don't want a relationship,” Changmin says. “Well, not a romantic one. I just don't want things to go back to how they were before the lawsuit.”
Yoochun opens his mouth but closes it.
Changmin still picks up on his confusion. “Going back to just being Yunho's best friend...” Changmin shakes his head. “I don't want to lose what we have.”
“Maybe that's part of the issue,” Yoochun says. “Don't you think?”
Changmin doesn't respond immediately. “I've been doing some research. I think I've found something that everyone can be comfortable with.”
Yoochun glances at him. “If it works for you, try it. I'll let you know if I can't go along with it.”
Changmin nods and leans over the gearshift. He kisses Yoochun on the cheek, nearly causing Yoochun to wreck the car. “Thank you,” he whispers.
*
“Is anyone else gay that we know?” Jaejoong asks, following behind Yunho as they make their way down the hall toward the apartment.
“We have suspicions about Kibum from Shinee,” Yunho says, pulling his keys from his pocket, “but you can never know for sure until he comes out, if he ever does.”
“But we can speculate,” Jaejoong says.
“Yeah, but you shouldn't.” Yunho pauses to look at him. “Identity policing isn't cool, whether it's calling someone gay when they say they're straight or calling someone straight when they say they're gay.”
“Or calling someone gay or straight when they say they're bi?” Jaejoong asks.
“Exactly,” Yunho says. “It goes farther, too, like if you are never attracted to a woman again for whatever reason, whether you change your identity to gay or keep it as bi is completely up to you. There are bi people who prefer to call themselves gay when they're with the same gender and straight when with the opposite gender. It really depends on the individual.”
Jaejoong nods, deciding to take that to heart.
“I guess an example would be me,” Yunho says as he returns to walking. “Changmin asked me if I was gay years before I came out, but I told him I was straight, 'cause I honestly thought I was. Changmin didn't go about telling me how I was gay or even doubted me. He believed me.” He smiles. “And when I came out, he was actually surprised. He let go of the thought that I was gay when I dismissed it because he respected that I knew who I was.”
“Respect,” Jaejoong echoes. “And a bit of trust?”
“Absolutely,” Yunho says.
“Yunho...” Jaejoong bites his lip. “What happened with Super Junior?”
Yunho's face falls. “It's more something that happened with all of SM. Super Junior was just closer to us, so it stung more.”
Jaejoong raises his eyebrows.
“It didn't happen to me, so much,” Yunho tells him. “You'd have to ask Changmin. He's the one who kneed Leeteuk so hard that the guy probably can't conceive.”
Jaejoong nods.
They round the last corner, and Yoochun and Changmin look up from where they're unlocking the apartment door.
“Got back at the same time,” Yoochun says as they approach. “Must have crossed brain waves.”
“Where did you go?” Yunho asks. “You two were passed out when we left.”
Yoochun looks at Changmin before opening the door.
Changmin hangs back and stops Yunho in front of him.
Jaejoong turns to watch them, but Yoochun yanks him into the apartment just as Changmin says: “My mom called.”
Yunho's eyes harden so quickly that Jaejoong fears he'll snap. Then Yoochun pulls him out of earshot.
A/N: I'm not aware of what Changmin's parents' home looks like. I was going to google it, but the thought of someone stalking Changmin's family makes me uncomfortable, so if my fantasy house differs from the reality in any way, I would prefer if you didn't let me know. Thank you.
I've wanted to use the phrase “climb him like a tree” for ages and the only way was to invite Heechul to the party. I'm not too familiar with him in real life, but I'm assuming he's a toned down version of how he's portrayed in fics, so here you go. Also, Heechul strikes me as one of the few people Yunho would feel comfortable with making fun of Gwangju. I understand that city people and country people don't quite get along well in S. Korea, similar to if not worse than how city people treat country people in the States and vise versa. And I'm Texan, so the only country jokes I know are cowboy jokes, so I also give you cowboy Yunho. It's not geographically correct (Texas is obviously not a part of S. Korea) but it is hot. I mean, come on. Yunho in stirrups and a cowboy hat?
I think this would be a good time to reread Yunho's explanation of what he and Changmin were doing in their relationship (chapters 2 and 3). They might be clearer now that Changmin has explained it in a less cryptic way. Also, I'm holding true to the promise that Changmin is either in love or not in love with Yunho in addition to Yoochun, and that the truth of that is left up to the reader to decide, but I never promised that it would be a simple distinction. There are more than a few types of love, and any type can be sexual (disclaimer: familial love between blood relatives should obviously not be for medical reasons). Head-cannon what you will, but don't undermine my characters.
Until the next chapter~
Pairing: YunJae; YooMin
Length: 6/50
Genre: Romance; Humor; Angst
Warning(s): Homophobia, Cursing, Suicidal thoughts, Drug addiction, HIV mentions, Anxiety disorder, Self harm, Prostitution, Violence, Bashing, Depression
Rating: NC17 / PG15
Disclaimer: Seriously?
Summary: Out of a loop and into the future, how can TVXQ survive a shift in cultures and societal viewpoints as they move back home to brave the uncertain waters that are their Korean careers? Jaejoong can't exactly focus on the bleakness of their work, however, if he is too distracted by the bleakness of their home. Yunho and Changmin, though now separate, find it difficult to distance their bond, Yoochun knows the lack of argument in his and Changmin's relationship is unhealthy, and Jaejoong wonders how he and Yunho will fair the rocky undertones of their dysfunctional relationship. And what of Junsu? What of their families?
00 | 01 | 02 | 03: PG15 / NC17 | 04 | 05
CHAPTER SIX
Yoochun studies Changmin with the deepest concern.
Changmin sits beside him in the passenger seat, staring out his window. He's been watching the house for over five minutes. It's small, white with blue trim. It has a raised wooden porch and a clear screen door. The lawn is freshly cut.
Yoochun moves to unbuckle his seatbelt, but Changmin closes a hand over his forearm.
“I need to do this alone,” Changmin says.
Yoochun lets go of his buckle.
They lapse again into silence, Changmin back to watching the silent house of his family.
He answers Yoochun's silent question without looking at him. “I just need a minute.”
“How long has it been?” Yoochun asks gently.
“Almost seven months,” Changmin replies. He sighs and releases his seatbelt. “I'll be back for you in a few minutes.”
Yoochun doesn't reply.
Changmin climbs out of the car and slams the door. He looks at the house again for another long moment before starting forward. His steps are slow and unsure, hands shaking as he smooths down his clothes, his hair, checks his face for smudges or grit.
Yoochun hopes he doesn't have a panic attack.
Changmin pauses at the foot of the porch, planting his feet shoulder width apart.
The door opens, then the screen door. A tiny woman, the spitting image of a feminine Changmin, steps out onto the porch and descends the steps. She stops in front of her son.
They stand for a split second, staring into each other's faces, before she lifts her hand and strikes Changmin across the cheek.
Changmin's head turns with the impact; Yoochun winces.
Changmin's mother says something to Changmin and points at the car from which Yoochun is watching. Then she turns on her heel and ascends the porch steps. She disappears into the house, only the screen door closing behind her.
Changmin turns and steps toward the car, expression unreadable.
Yoochun readies to start the engine when Changmin rounds the car and taps on the driver side window.
Yoochun rolls it down. “Yeah?”
“She wants to meet you,” Changmin says.
“She already knows me,” Yoochun says.
“As my band mate.” Changmin shrugs. “Not as my boyfriend.”
Yoochun stares at him. Any glee at his feelings officially being accepted and Changmin finally agreeing to a relationship is stomped out immediately at what is now expected of him: meeting Changmin's parents as their son's male lover.
“Don't worry too much,” Changmin says at the look of terror Yoochun is giving him. “They won't slap you.”
Yoochun silently exits his vehicle.
Changmin quickly sets to straightening Yoochun's attire, smoothing out wrinkles and taming his hair. Yoochun doesn't protest the fussing. Once Changmin is as satisfied as he's going to be, he pulls away. He squeezes Yoochun's pinky with his thumb and index finger, whether to comfort Yoochun or to comfort himself, Yoochun doesn't care.
“Alright,” Changmin says with faux enthusiasm. “Let's do this.”
*
Heechul is hardly in Yunho's arms a full two seconds before he appears to remember himself. He pushes Yunho away with surprising force, nearly knocking Yunho off his feet.
“Hey!” Jaejoong says, helping Yunho recapture his balance.
“Sorry,” Heechul says quietly, glancing about them. “Just-No one saw that, did they?”
Jaejoong's brow furrows-Boa kissed Yunho's cheek upon seeing him in front of the apartment complex, Choi Seunghyun practically picked him up and twirled him around when they saw each other at the super market-before it hits him: Heechul is gay.
Yunho pats Jaejoong's arm gratefully, putting some distance between them. “Good to see you, too,” he says to Heechul.
“We should talk,” Heechul says, “like, now.” He looks at Jaejoong. “Unless this is a date. If this is a date, we can talk later.”
Jaejoong opens his mouth to dismiss the idea, but Yunho speaks before he can.
“It's a date,” Yunho says. “But nothing's really open yet, so we have time.”
Jaejoong stares at him.
Heechul smiles. “Cool. With three of us, it shouldn't look suspicious.” He looks around. “How about the Happy Lemon?” he says, pointing at the restaurant down the street. “They're having a special today, so they opened early.”
“Sounds good,” Yunho says.
Heechul hurries ahead of them to catch a table.
Jaejoong pulls Yunho to look at him. “You're telling Heechul?” he asks. “What happened to keeping it secret?”
“It's Heechul,” Yunho says. “If you haven't noticed, he's gayer than me.”
“I've noticed,” Jaejoong says and adds mentally, just now. “But you never just tell people that we're dating. You haven't even told Boa.”
Yunho shrugs. They begin walking toward the restaurant. “The day I came out, Heechul nearly kicked my door down,” he says. “He was crying and he hugged me harder than he ever has. He told me that he's gay, that he's been so alone, that he's in love with Hangeng but he's afraid to tell him because Hangeng might hate him, that it's so hard. He fell asleep on top of me, the poor guy.” Yunho smiles at the memory. “That's when I decided that my coming out was something that people needed. It's why I've never really regretted it.”
Jaejoong ponders that, looking ahead to see Heechul waving vigorously from the table he's claimed. The few teenagers sitting at the tables around him stare openly.
“He's always seemed so sure of himself,” Jaejoong says
“A beautiful, narcissistic boy who secretly wishes he was anybody else?” Yunho looks at him. “Not so hard to imagine, is it?”
Jaejoong hides his amazement at that, crossing his arms. “You think he's beautiful?” he asks.
Yunho rolls his eyes. “Oh, we're going to start this, are we?”
Jaejoong pulls him to a stop. He smiles. “You think I'm beautiful?”
Yunho smiles back, taking Jaejoong's hand. “I've always thought that you're beautiful. Since the moment I laid eyes on you.”
Jaejoong blushes so hard it hurts.
Yunho moves forward again, pulling Jaejoong along for the first few steps before dropping his hand.
Jaejoong follows closely. He hasn't forgotten that day. The fear that the convenience store clerk would call the police. The relief and apprehension that followed a strange boy with ugly hair emerging from the store's gut.
They reach the table, and Yunho allows Jaejoong to slide into the booth before joining him.
“It's so good to see you,” Heechul says to Yunho. “And you, too,” he adds for Jaejoong's sake.
“It's been a few years,” Jaejoong agrees.
“How have you been?” Yunho asks.
“I've been... okay,” Heechul replies. “With Hangeng and everything...”
Yunho nods.
“And Leeteuk is being Leeteuk,” Heechul continues. “But what's new?”
“What's he done?” Jaejoong asks. “I've been gone too long.”
“He's homophobic,” Yunho says. “He means well, but he doesn't think about what he's saying.”
“He doesn't know when to stop,” Heechul says with a sigh. “It makes it hard to love him sometimes.”
“He doesn't know that you're...” Jaejoong gestures in way of finishing the sentence.
“None of Super Junior knows,” Yunho tells him.
Heechul smiles. “Actually...”
Yunho's eyebrows raise. “You told them?” he asks.
“Not all of them,” Heechul says. “That would be... no. I told Shindong. He took it well. Even hugged me. And I told Hangeng. He said he already knew.”
Yunho sits forward. “Did you confess?”
Heechul's smile sours. He nods.
“What did he say?” Jaejoong asks.
“He said he'd think about it,” Heechul says. “He hasn't gotten back to me.”
“That doesn't mean he'll say no,” Yunho says.
“If he wanted me, wouldn't he have said so on the spot?” Heechul asks.
“Not necessarily.” Jaejoong glances at Yunho. “I won't go into details, but...”
Yunho seems to pick up on where he's going. “We've had a similar history,” he says, touching Jaejoong's hand. “You have to wait for his answer before you can assume anything.”
Heechul sighs but nods. He pulls out his wallet. “Will a gentleman get a lady a beverage?” he asks the both of them.
Yunho laughs. “Oh, I see.” He slides out of the booth. “Black pearl sago?”
Heechul nods happily, handing over the wallet.
Yunho looks at Jaejoong.
“I'll have whatever you get,” Jaejoong says.
Yunho nods and heads into the restaurant.
*
A bead of sweat rolls down the curve of Yoochun's temple. He's sitting beside Changmin on the Shims' sofa, silently counting the heartbeats that sound in his ears.
Changmin's father sits in the armchair across from them. He can't look at Changmin, or so Yoochun assumes; the man hasn't looked his son in the eye once since they sat down. Instead, he glares at Yoochun with hard, darkened eyes. It takes all of Yoochun's effort to not scoot closer to Changmin.
Changmin's mother sits next to her husband in a hardback chair, looking pleasant in comparison to the man beside her. Unlike him, she meets Changmin's eyes, as well as Yoochun's, and she speaks with clear casual tones as she brings Changmin up to speed on what he's missed in his brief exile. She asks Yoochun a question every few minutes so as not to exclude him, but Yoochun isn't sure that she's listening to him.
“How is the lawsuit going, Yoochun-ssi?” she asks him for the third time.
Changmin sighs beside him. In contrast to him, Changmin is absolutely amazing, in Yoochun's opinion. Even with no medication to fall back on, Changmin hasn't risen once in the half hour they've been here to calm himself down. His breaths are deep and sustained, hands on his knees. He's bothered, as would be expected, but his back is straight and he looks his parents square in the eye.
Yoochun tries to stifle his lovesickness as he looks at Changmin's mother. “We've settled,” he repeats. “It's been good for us.”
“Oh good,” she says hollowly. “And how are Jaejoong and Junsu?”
“They're fine, ma'am,” Yoochun replies.
“Where are my sisters?” Changmin asks.
His mother looks at him. “School. Then study hall. You know the drill.”
“But it's still so early...” Changmin says.
“They're at a friend's house,” his mother says curtly.
Yoochun has a vague suspicion that she sent them away upon the news that their brother was visiting. Another sigh alerts him that Changmin has come to the some conclusion.
Suddenly upset, Yoochun looks to the side, but that only catches the eyes of Changmin's father. He glares at him bitterly, and Yoochun shudders. He's not so certain that he won't beat Changmin to the panic attack.
Changmin glances at him, then at his father. “Appa,” he chides.
His father lowers his gaze.
Changmin's knuckles turn white where he's clutching his knees. Yoochun wants desperately to comfort him.
“So Yoochun and I are dating now,” Changmin says quietly. “Yunho and I broke up a few weeks ago.”
His words are met with silence. Yoochun gulps.
Changmin's mother looks at Yoochun. “How is the lawsuit going?” she asks.
*
Heechul smiles at Jaejoong. “So you and Yunho,” he says.
“Yeah,” Jaejoong says.
“I knew something would happen eventually,” Heechul says. “You two just have that link. Like me and Hangeng.” He looks at the table. “Hopefully.”
“I can't believe I didn't know about you for all those years,” Jaejoong says thoughtfully.
“Neither can I,” Heechul says. “I mean, have you seen me?”
Jaejoong laughs. “Yeah, I guess you weren't really trying to hide it.”
Heechul shakes his head. “I was, I just wasn't very good at it. I'm still not. I'm a diva.”
Jaejoong laughs again.
“How long have you known?” Heechul asks quietly.
Jaejoong grimaces. “A month? Month and a half?”
Heechul grins. “I see. A newborn.”
Jaejoong rolls his eyes. “I prefer to consider myself a late bloomer.”
Heechul shrugs. “You don't have to be. Sexuality is fluid.” He pokes at his chest. “I liked girls until I was ten. Then I didn't like anyone until I was seventeen. Then a few years after puberty, I started liking men. Anyone else would say that I was just confused, but I don't think I ever was. I wanted a wife, then I didn't, then I wanted to be the wife.”
Jaejoong leans forward. “I've read that it's fluid,” he says, “but I've never actually met anyone who thinks that way.”
“That's because most people are pretty much set in stone their whole lives,” Heechul says. “It manifests itself in other ways, though. I know a few straight people online-no one I know in real life would admit it-who came to the conclusion later on in life that if they loved someone, gender wouldn't be an issue. That doesn't make them bi, though. They say stuff like maturing and loving more freely near the end of their lives but I think they just shimmied down the Kinsey Scale a bit.”
“Interesting,” Jaejoong says. He can imagine that something like that could be where Yoochun is. Not bi so much as not straight.
“Not that interesting,” Heechul says, flicking his hair out of his eyes. “Just an observation. It is annoying when you shift sexualities and no one believes you, though. Believing that you've been bi the whole time might be easier for you in the long run.”
Yunho rejoins them before Jaejoong can explain that he's pretty sure he's been bi for a while. Yunho has a drink in each hand and a third clutched precariously to his chest. Jaejoong rises to alleviate him of the third cup, and Yunho smiles in thanks.
“Boa tells me that you've been texting,” Heechul says to Yunho, sliding over his drink.
“A little,” Yunho says. “Nothing too noteworthy, though. She mostly wants me to meet up with you and Super Junior and make peace.”
“That sounds nice,” Heechul says. “Well, maybe not all of us. Maybe half of us.”
“I think that would defeat the purpose,” Yunho says.
Heechul rolls his eyes. “Leeteuk would hang out,” he says, “but he won't be quiet. I love him, and if he knew about me I'd put up with him because I love him, but I don't expect that from you. You're not in our band. You don't have to tolerate him on a daily basis.”
“I wouldn't mind so much if he'd keep his thoughts to himself,” Yunho says. “Changmin's the one who can't look at him without kneeing him in the groin.”
Heechul chuckles into his milk tea. “Oh, yeah, Leeteuk is still traumatized from that. Let me tell you, if Changmin wasn't so young and versatile, I'd have climbed him like a tree years ago.”
Jaejoong gapes and Yunho pinches the bridge of his nose in a mix of amusement and embarrassment.
“Um.” Jaejoong looks at Yunho. “What does versatile mean?”
“He can top or bottom,” Yunho replies. “Versatile.”
“I only do tops,” Heechul supplies helpfully with a wink, and he laughs at Jaejoong's blush. “Anyway,” he says, looking at his watch, “I should leave you to your date.”
Yunho stands with him and they hug, this time briefly.
Heechul smiles at him. “Or should I say, `Leave y'all to your date?' Is that how you say it in your back-country town?”
“Country boy jokes?” Yunho asks with a mock glare. “Really?”
“Text me, cowboy,” Heechul says, giggling.
“Yes, ma'am,” Yunho replies in his Gwangju dialect, and both Heechul and Jaejoong laugh.
When Heechul finally takes his leave, winking at them over his shoulder before slipping on his sunglasses, Yunho slides into Heechul's former seat across from Jaejoong.
“Well, hey there, cowboy,” Jaejoong says, grinning.
Yunho smirks and says, still in his home dialect, “You new to these parts, pretty thing?”
Jaejoong laughs to hard his tea comes out of his nose.
*
By the time Yoochun and Changmin climb back into the car for the ride home, an hour and a half has passed. Changmin's mother insisted that they stay for lunch, but Changmin nearly dragged Yoochun out of the house. Their retreat was hindered only by Changmin's mother pulling Yoochun to a stop with an oddly strong grip. Changmin turned, already at the bottom of the porch steps, as his mother looked Yoochun up and down and sighed. She fixed the cuff of Yoochun's sleeve where Changmin had grabbed him.
“Take care of my son,” she said, then coughed, then slammed the door behind her.
Now they sit in the car, Changmin staring at the house in a scene not unlike that of this morning.
“Baby,” Yoochun says. “Seatbelt.”
Changmin looks at him. “Hmm? Oh.” He secures the belt across his chest. “Thanks.”
“Do you want to talk before we go?” Yoochun asks.
Changmin smiles weakly. “Can we talk while we drive?”
Yoochun nods and pulls away from the curb.
Changmin clears his throat, visibly shaking himself out of his mood.
The moment they hit the highway, he says, “Yunho and I had a really unhealthy relationship.”
Yoochun glances at him.
“I don't mean that either of us was abusive,” Changmin continues. “We were good to each other, but we were delusional. Enabling. We weren't in love. It wasn't supposed to be a real relationship. We couldn't force our feelings for each other to be romantic. We had feelings for other people. You and Jaejoong.”
Yoochun keeps his eyes on the road.
Changmin steals a glance at him. “I told you I've liked you for a while. I wasn't lying.”
“So how did you and Yunho... become a thing?” Yoochun asks.
“He came out to me, then I came out to him,” Changmin replies. “It was just the next logical step. We dated for a week, and it ended in a horrible fight. I accused him of... things. It hurt him.” He pulls at his earlobe. “We decided that until a later date, we should just be friends. Then he told me about his feelings for Jaejoong, and I told him about my feelings for you. He got drunk one night and suggested that we pretend date while roleplaying as you and Jaejoong.”
Yoochun frowns. “Why would you role-play as the Soulmate Couple?”
“No,” Changmin says. “We'd role-play as YunJae, then role-play as YooMin. Pay attention.”
“Oh,” Yoochun replies sheepishly. “That's kind of romantic, I guess.”
“It's creepy, you fucking nerd,” Changmin says, scowling, and Yoochun laughs. “Besides, it didn't work. We were only supposed to do it until we got over you. It worked for me, but not because of the relationship.”
“How did you get over me, then?” Yoochun asks.
“You know how I got over you,” Changmin says coolly.
Yoochun's neck heats with shame.
“The whole thing was stupid,” Changmin says. “And crazy. We convinced ourselves that we were pretend dating, but the whole time we were just going through the motions of a relationship while waiting to be emotionally connected.”
“Uh...” Yoochun glances at him. “Could you translate that into Korean, Mr. Psychology Major?”
Changmin smiles a little before it fades. “It really had nothing to do with you or Jaejoong. We thought it was-we told ourselves that it was-but it was just an excuse. We wanted to be together. Me and him. Not me and you, not him and Jaejoong. Us. HoMin. We were dating, then we had a fight, so we broke up. We wanted to be together, though, so we made an excuse for us to get back together. We used our lingering feelings for you and Jaejoong. We were dating, but we were denying it. Saying it was something else.”
“You were in denial about... being in denial?” Yoochun asks. He shakes his head. “That sounds...”
“Complicated,” Changmin supplies with a dry chuckle. “Yeah. We know.” He pulls his camera from his bag and turns it on. He takes a picture of the cloud ahead of them. “And finally,” he says, “when we started becoming something definable and started moving toward an actual romantic relationship, Yunho broke up with me.”
Yoochun is silent for a moment. “Did he break your heart?” he asks softly.
“I don't know,” Changmin says, looking at his camera screen. “I think that I'm the only one who sees it this way, anyway.”
“What do you mean?” Yoochun asks.
Changmin sighs. “I don't think Yunho was in the relationship to be with me. I think I'm the only one who felt that way about our relationship. He really was just with me to get over Jaejoong.”
“He didn't notice that you were really dating each other?” Yoochun asks.
“No,” Changmin replies.
“Did he say that?”
“No.”
“Then ask him,” Yoochun says. “You can't just assume these things.”
“Are you really comfortable with this?” Changmin asks.
“No!” Yoochun replies. “Not at all. This is making me extremely uncomfortable, but you're the one who told me that Yunho is going to be in your life no matter what I say, and if he is, you might as well be happy about it.”
Changmin slumps in his seat. “Hyung.”
“I'm serious,” Yoochun says, turning on his blinker. “As your boyfriend, I can't say I'm not worried and I can't say that I won't be in the future, but I want you to be happy, and if having both of us makes you happy, then there isn't much I can say.”
“He's just going to think that I'm over-thinking everything,” Changmin mumbles.
“If in the off chance that he does,” Yoochun says, though he severely doubts it, “you should explain to him what you want from him. Otherwise you're just going to keep hurting each other without realizing it.”
“I don't want a relationship,” Changmin says. “Well, not a romantic one. I just don't want things to go back to how they were before the lawsuit.”
Yoochun opens his mouth but closes it.
Changmin still picks up on his confusion. “Going back to just being Yunho's best friend...” Changmin shakes his head. “I don't want to lose what we have.”
“Maybe that's part of the issue,” Yoochun says. “Don't you think?”
Changmin doesn't respond immediately. “I've been doing some research. I think I've found something that everyone can be comfortable with.”
Yoochun glances at him. “If it works for you, try it. I'll let you know if I can't go along with it.”
Changmin nods and leans over the gearshift. He kisses Yoochun on the cheek, nearly causing Yoochun to wreck the car. “Thank you,” he whispers.
*
“Is anyone else gay that we know?” Jaejoong asks, following behind Yunho as they make their way down the hall toward the apartment.
“We have suspicions about Kibum from Shinee,” Yunho says, pulling his keys from his pocket, “but you can never know for sure until he comes out, if he ever does.”
“But we can speculate,” Jaejoong says.
“Yeah, but you shouldn't.” Yunho pauses to look at him. “Identity policing isn't cool, whether it's calling someone gay when they say they're straight or calling someone straight when they say they're gay.”
“Or calling someone gay or straight when they say they're bi?” Jaejoong asks.
“Exactly,” Yunho says. “It goes farther, too, like if you are never attracted to a woman again for whatever reason, whether you change your identity to gay or keep it as bi is completely up to you. There are bi people who prefer to call themselves gay when they're with the same gender and straight when with the opposite gender. It really depends on the individual.”
Jaejoong nods, deciding to take that to heart.
“I guess an example would be me,” Yunho says as he returns to walking. “Changmin asked me if I was gay years before I came out, but I told him I was straight, 'cause I honestly thought I was. Changmin didn't go about telling me how I was gay or even doubted me. He believed me.” He smiles. “And when I came out, he was actually surprised. He let go of the thought that I was gay when I dismissed it because he respected that I knew who I was.”
“Respect,” Jaejoong echoes. “And a bit of trust?”
“Absolutely,” Yunho says.
“Yunho...” Jaejoong bites his lip. “What happened with Super Junior?”
Yunho's face falls. “It's more something that happened with all of SM. Super Junior was just closer to us, so it stung more.”
Jaejoong raises his eyebrows.
“It didn't happen to me, so much,” Yunho tells him. “You'd have to ask Changmin. He's the one who kneed Leeteuk so hard that the guy probably can't conceive.”
Jaejoong nods.
They round the last corner, and Yoochun and Changmin look up from where they're unlocking the apartment door.
“Got back at the same time,” Yoochun says as they approach. “Must have crossed brain waves.”
“Where did you go?” Yunho asks. “You two were passed out when we left.”
Yoochun looks at Changmin before opening the door.
Changmin hangs back and stops Yunho in front of him.
Jaejoong turns to watch them, but Yoochun yanks him into the apartment just as Changmin says: “My mom called.”
Yunho's eyes harden so quickly that Jaejoong fears he'll snap. Then Yoochun pulls him out of earshot.
A/N: I'm not aware of what Changmin's parents' home looks like. I was going to google it, but the thought of someone stalking Changmin's family makes me uncomfortable, so if my fantasy house differs from the reality in any way, I would prefer if you didn't let me know. Thank you.
I've wanted to use the phrase “climb him like a tree” for ages and the only way was to invite Heechul to the party. I'm not too familiar with him in real life, but I'm assuming he's a toned down version of how he's portrayed in fics, so here you go. Also, Heechul strikes me as one of the few people Yunho would feel comfortable with making fun of Gwangju. I understand that city people and country people don't quite get along well in S. Korea, similar to if not worse than how city people treat country people in the States and vise versa. And I'm Texan, so the only country jokes I know are cowboy jokes, so I also give you cowboy Yunho. It's not geographically correct (Texas is obviously not a part of S. Korea) but it is hot. I mean, come on. Yunho in stirrups and a cowboy hat?
I think this would be a good time to reread Yunho's explanation of what he and Changmin were doing in their relationship (chapters 2 and 3). They might be clearer now that Changmin has explained it in a less cryptic way. Also, I'm holding true to the promise that Changmin is either in love or not in love with Yunho in addition to Yoochun, and that the truth of that is left up to the reader to decide, but I never promised that it would be a simple distinction. There are more than a few types of love, and any type can be sexual (disclaimer: familial love between blood relatives should obviously not be for medical reasons). Head-cannon what you will, but don't undermine my characters.
Until the next chapter~