Forward and Counting
Title: Forward and Counting [Part 3 of the Stage it Out Loud series; 1: No More Secrets and 2: Intermission]
Pairing: YunJae; YooMin
Length: 4/50
Genre: Romance; Humor; Angst
Warning(s): Homophobia, Suicidal thoughts, Drug addiction, HIV mentions, Anxiety disorder, Self harm, Prostitution, Violence, Bashing
Rating: NC17 / PG15
Disclaimer: Seriously?
Summary: Out of a loop and into the future, how can TVXQ survive a shift in cultures and societal viewpoints as they move back home to brave the uncertain waters that are their Korean careers? Jaejoong can't exactly focus on the bleakness of their work, however, if he is too distracted by the bleakness of their home. Yunho and Changmin, though now separate, find it difficult to distance their bond, Yoochun knows the lack of argument in his and Changmin's relationship is unhealthy, and Jaejoong wonders how he and Yunho will fair the rocky undertones of their dysfunctional relationship. And what of Junsu? What of their families?
00 | 01 | 02 | 03: PG15 / NC17
CHAPTER FOUR
“How was your flight?”
Changmin shrugs as he takes his seat on the couch, stretching his arms above his head. “No worse than usual.”
Dr. Nakama nods, sitting back in his chair. “The food was good, at least.”
Changmin laughs. “Oh, sure.”
Nakama smiles. “Should we just get started, then?”
“We should,” Changmin says, smiling back.
*
“Yunho,” Jaejoong manages between kisses, “I need to cook breakfast.”
Yunho hums a dismissal, recapturing Jaejoong's lips and pulling Jaejoong's leg over his hip. Jaejoong chuckles into his mouth.
It's only been a couple of days since the start of their relationship, but Jaejoong is confident that he hasn't spent this much accumulated time kissing in the entirety of his sexual life. They keep their affectionate gestures minimal in public thanks to Yunho's paranoia, but in private, making out is all they really do. Not that Jaejoong's complaining. Much.
“Yunho-yah,” Jaejoong whines when Yunho finally pulls away. “Food.”
“Food is for the weak,” Yunho says, kissing Jaejoong's neck.
Jaejoong laughs.
They're startled by the sound of Yunho's phone vibrating on the coffee table. Yunho groans into Jaejoong's hair.
“You should get that,” Jaejoong tells him pointedly.
“Ugh,” is Yunho's reply.
“You've already let it go to voicemail once,” Jaejoong says. “Changju will be disappointed.”
“Oh,” Yunho says, pulling off of Jaejoong and rolling his eyes. “Can't have that, now can we?”
Jaejoong smiles at him. He's about to say something else when his stomach rumbles in between them.
Yunho laughs and reaches for his phone. “Fine. Go make breakfast.”
Jaejoong kisses him once more before climbing to his feet, but Yoochun enters the moment he rises.
“Good morning,” Jaejoong greets cheerfully, moving forward to meet him.
Yunho nods at Yoochun, phone to his ear.
Yoochun merely replies with a long tortured sigh.
Jaejoong stares at him a moment before remembering the discussion they had the previous night. “That bad, huh?” he asks sympathetically.
Yoochun lolls his head to the side.
“He'll be back by noon,” Jaejoong reminds him.
“Yeah,” Yoochun says, “but I can't do anything today without him with me.”
Jaejoong quirks an eyebrow. “Wow. Talk about codependent.”
Yoochun snorts.
Yunho lowers his phone. “You're supposed to be at C-JES,” he says to Yoochun. “Changju's secretary is freaking out.”
“That's what I mean,” Yoochun says. “Changmin and I were supposed to have a meeting today with Changju, but Changmin's not here.”
“So?” Yunho asks.
“I can't go alone,” Yoochun says.
“Sure you can,” Yunho says. He pauses as the person on the other line begins to say something. “No, ma'am, he's on vacation. He'll be back Wednesday.”
“Who's on vacation?” Jaejoong asks Yoochun softly.
“Junsu,” Yoochun replies. “Do you notice when he's not here?”
Jaejoong cringes a little at that, but he holds his remarks. Anything he has to say will only paint him an asshole, anyway.
“Right.” Yunho snaps his phone closed. “Changju will meet you within the hour, so you might as well get down there.”
“Without Changmin?” Yoochun asks, frowning.
Yunho nods. “It sounds like Changju wants to talk to you more than Changmin, anyway. The secretary was kinda vague about it, but I got that vibe.”
“What does he want to talk about again?” Yoochun asks, checking his watch.
“Wouldn't tell me,” Yunho says. “But I want to know, so text me when you get out.”
“Of course,” Yoochun says.
Jaejoong smiles at the promise in his voice.
Yoochun checks his watch again. “Alright, I should jump in the shower then.” He looks at Jaejoong. “Make me breakfast when I get back?”
“Eggs?” Jaejoong asks.
“You're the best,” Yoochun replies. He nods and makes for the hallway, not quite as sad as he was when he entered.
Jaejoong turns to Yunho. Almost immediately, Yunho has him in another kiss, arms held tightly to his sides. Jaejoong melts into it, then pushes Yunho away.
“This is good,” he says, holding Yunho's hands, “right?”
“Your kissing is great,” Yunho replies reassuringly.
Jaejoong laughs. “No, I mean Yoochun. He's being civil, taking orders, promising to text you when he's done.”
“I just convinced him to go,” Yunho says. “If he really didn't want to, though, he wouldn't have to. I'm not a drill sargent.”
“I just think it's nice,” Jaejoong says. “He's treating you better. I didn't like the way you two were.”
Yunho nods in understanding.
Jaejoong shrugs. “It's almost like we're getting back to a kind of normal, you know?”
“Baby,” Yunho says, pushing him back onto the couch, “I'm afraid you're going to have to start hoping for a new kind of normal.”
Jaejoong giggles as Yunho falls on top of him.
*
“Maybe you should leave the band.”
Junsu looks at his brother. “We just got back together.”
“I know, but...” Junho sighs and pauses the video game. “It used to be everything that you ever wanted, but recently it's not so good for you anymore.”
“I... I see what you're trying to say,” Junsu says, “but I love them, and they need me. Singing is really the only thing keeping me above the current.”
“You could go solo,” Junho presses. “You're popular enough. Talented enough.”
Junsu looks at the TV, his game controller trembling in his hands.
Junho takes notice. He sighs. “Just consider it, okay?” he asks. “I want my Junsu back.”
Junsu nods and un-pauses the game.
*
Yoochun pulls his earbuds from his ears upon entering the C-JES building, mildly trepidatious. Perhaps it's an instinct he's developed in response to the wave of misfortune that's been on their tails these past six months, but Yoochun cannot think of any good reason for a one-on-one meeting with a manager of any kind, even Changju. Not this early in the game, in any case.
The receptionist spots him from her desk and waves him over. He smiles as he approaches.
“He just got in,” she says, tilting her head to the side and moving her hair off her neck. “His secretary ran out for coffee, so she told me to just send you up if you got here before she got back.”
Yoochun holds her gaze politely before starting towards the elevator. This meeting was only scheduled the day before. Changmin, of course, agreed before remembering his appointment with Dr. Nakama, and regardless of the apparent importance of whatever Changju wanted to discuss, Yunho didn't let Changmin cancel. Yoochun agreed with the leader on that front.
Now, however, Yoochun would definitely prefer some company. What could be so dire that Changju wouldn't even tell Yunho?
“Yoochun-ah,” Changju greets when Yoochun rounds the corner to his office. He's standing just outside his open door, signing a clipboard held for him by a C-JES employee. He waves the man away. “Please, come in,” he says to Yoochun, “I've been waiting for you.”
Yoochun swallows his apprehension, bowing and entering the office. Changju follows and shuts the door behind him.
“Changmin's in Japan for the day,” Yoochun says, taking a seat.
“Ah yes, his therapy session,” Changju says. “Yunho told me over the phone last night. If it's so much trouble, we could arrange for another psychiatrist for Changmin to see in Seoul. It would be a severely less expensive trip.”
“It's only every two weeks,” Yoochun replies, “and Changmin seems to trust this doctor more than most, so we figure we can spare the expense.”
Changju nods. “Fair enough.” He sits on the edge of his desk. “So we'll just have a little talk between the two of us.”
Yoochun's throat dries the tiniest amount.
“Full Colored Vision,” Changju says.
Yoochun deflates in relief. “Yeah?” he says.
“It's good,” Changju says. “I want to see more.”
“More?” Yoochun asks.
“More of Changmin's singing paired with your rapping,” Changju explains. He leans towards Yoochun. “I think you could go far together.”
“You mean as a duo?” Yoochun asks.
“Yes,” Changju replies. “Maybe even a unit someday.”
Yoochun stares at him.
“Someday,” Changju repeats.
Yoochun considers it. Considers leaving Jaejoong and Junsu and Yunho to do their own thing and touring with Changmin by his side. A long honeymoon with each album.
“Changmin wouldn't want that,” Yoochun says eventually. He wouldn't, dreaming aside. Changmin would never consider leaving Yunho, not now, not ten years from now. It just isn't an option.
And if Yoochun is truly honest with himself, he knows that he wouldn't want that either. It's a nice thought, though.
Changju doesn't ask questions. “Maybe not a unit, then,” he amends with a shrug. “Do you feel he'd at least be comfortable with a duo?”
“I'd have to ask him,” Yoochun says. “But maybe.” If Changmin doesn't have to leave the band, there's a possibility he'll say yes. It'll be a while before he does, but he might eventually.
“Good,” Changju says, pushing off his desk. “Talk to him and get back to me. I have some great ideas for a few albums. Set designs, style, tone.” He grins. “But I promise to not get too excited before having Changmin's consent. I don't want to make him do anything he's not comfortable with.”
Yoochun watches him round his desk. “Was that all, sir?” he asks. “I wouldn't rush anything, but I haven't eaten yet and Jaejoong was going to cook me something when I got back.”
“Well I'd hate to keep you from Jaejoong's cooking,” Changju says, sitting in his chair, “but there's one more thing I'd like to discuss with you.”
“Okay,” Yoochun says, sitting forward.
“Are you sleeping with Changmin?” Changju asks.
Yoochun's stomach drops.
Changju's smile is as pleasant as ever. “If you are, I need to know about it.”
“I...” Yoochun licks his lips. “I'm not.”
“Not, or not yet?” Changju asks. He sets his elbows on the desk. “If you're only having sex, that's your business. You keep it behind closed doors, you're mature enough to abstain from sexual relations when in hotels or other public spaces such as elevators and the like.”
Yoochun shifts in his seat, growing more uncomfortable by the second.
Changju's smile wanes sympathetically. “My main concern is that you're dating. If you are, I would advise you to stop.”
Yoochun places his hands on his knees.
“You see,” Changju says, pulling two bottles of water from the mini-fridge beside his desk, “you have a tell. When you're in love.” He hands Yoochun one of the bottles.
Yoochun takes it silently.
“You don't look at anyone else,” Changju explains. “You stop flirting. You look at your partner with absolute adoration. In short, you make it painfully obvious. And that's fine. That's great. But you cannot be publicly in love with Shim Changmin. Do you know why?”
Yoochun nods slowly.
“Good,” Changju says. His smile brightens. “You may go get some of that cooking Jaejoong promised you, if you'd like. I'll see you at tomorrow's meeting.”
Yoochun rises to his feet, placing the unopened water bottle on the desk gently. He turns to leave before Changju calls him back.
“Oh, and tell Jaejoong: He's straight.” Even without looking at him, Yoochun can hear the warning look with which Changju is pinning him. “I don't care what he thinks he might be. Until his contract's up, he's straight.”
*
“He said that?” Jaejoong asks, spatula in hand.
Yoochun nods. “Yeah. It was weird as hell.”
Yunho watches them from behind his newspaper. He's sitting on the living room side of the bar, Jaejoong and Yoochun standing opposite him in the kitchen. He pays special attention to Jaejoong's reaction, but Jaejoong simply frowns and turns to flip the egg he's frying.
“I mean,” Yoochun says, “why would he be supportive of me and Changmin but not supportive of you? It makes no sense.”
Yunho wouldn't use the word supportive, but he holds his tongue. “That is surprising,” he says instead, “considering that Jaejoong is his favorite.”
Jaejoong rolls his eyes and looks at Yoochun. “How does he even know?” he asks. “We've seen him twice since we've been back, and I haven't told anyone outside the band about either of us.”
“Neither have I,” Yoochun replies. “Do you think Junsu could've...?”
A protective surge of anger rises in Yunho's chest. “Junsu wouldn't do that,” he says calmly. He sets down the newspaper. “I don't know, is Changju usually this perceptive?”
Jaejoong shakes his head. “Nah. Has he said anything to you?”
“No,” Yunho says. “The most he's said regarding my sexuality is that if I'm going to date anyone it should be another celebrity and not a civilian.” Which Yunho honestly respects Changju for. Whatever Changju's personal views on sexuality of any kind, he knows how to keep the tabloids positive. Plus, the last thing Yunho could ever need is another Jiyun situation.
“It's still weird that he's not in support of Jaejoong,” Yoochun points out.
Yunho shrugs. “I wouldn't say that, necessarily. Changju's a businessman, first of all. I don't think it has anything to do with the sexuality side of things.” He looks at Jaejoong, who's flipping another egg. “Jaejoong's kind of bad at having a personal life.”
While Yoochun nods in agreement, Jaejoong glares at both of them.
“Rude,” he mutters. “I haven't told anyone anything that's happened these past few months. Not even my family.”
“No, Jae, you can keep a secret,” Yunho elaborates. “You're just bad at having them. As soon as you're happy about something, you want to tell the world.”
“It's like you need validation or something,” Yoochun adds.
This time Jaejoong visibly flinches, and Yunho straitens on his stool.
“I've got faith in you, though,” he says quickly. “Changju and I might not get along, but we see eye to eye on a lot of this publicity stuff. If I thought you couldn't handle it, I would've never agreed to a relationship. Besides, you're infamous for saying tons of sketchy things in public. You've toned it down a bit already, but even if you slip, we can manage it.”
That doesn't seem to comfort Jaejoong. He reaches for a plate on the drying rack, nonetheless, turning the stove off at the same time.
Yunho recognizes the need for a shift in conversation, so he looks at Yoochun. “Anyway, what do you make of his advice regarding you and Changmin?”
Yoochun shrugs. “I wasn't taking it too seriously.”
Yunho and Jaejoong exchange looks.
“What's your plan?” Yunho asks Yoochun.
“Regarding what?” Yoochun asks.
“You don't have a choice here,” Yunho tells him. “When Changju advises that you do something, he's ordering it.”
“I don't-” Yoochun crosses his arms. “Do you want me to break up with Changmin? We're not even dating yet, first thing, and second-”
“I'm not suggesting that,” Yunho says before Yoochun can get ahead of himself. “But Changju has a point. You are very obvious when you're in love.”
“Which is fine,” Jaejoong interrupts, handing Yoochun a plate and setting another in front of Yunho.
“But you need to watch it,” Yunho says.
Yoochun sighs. If he's offended, Yunho can't tell. “What do you want me to do?” Yoochun asks.
“I don't know,” Yunho says, then an idea hits him. “Don't look at him in public.”
Yoochun's jaw drops and Jaejoong nearly bursts into laughter. Yunho smiles at the contrast.
“That could work,” Jaejoong says, trying to keep his face straight.
“Yeah,” Yunho says. He nods. “Don't look at him in public.”
“What if I have to talk to him?” Yoochun asks.
“You don't need your eyes for that,” Yunho replies, and Jaejoong finally breaks into a fit of giggles.
“That's ridiculous!” Yoochun says, ignoring Jaejoong.
Yunho holds up his hands. “Hey, it's my rules or Changju's. I'm not saying avoid him like the plague, I'm saying don't make eye contact.”
“It's not really that bad,” Jaejoong says helpfully, calming himself enough to pat Yoochun on the back.
Yoochun nods at him, then at Yunho. “I suppose not.” He grabs a pair of chopsticks from the drying rack. “I'll talk to Changmin about it tonight, alright?”
Yunho nods, satisfied.
“Oh, yeah, and speaking of talking to him.” Yoochun looks at Yunho. “What Changju wanted to talk to me and Changmin about was doing a duo type thing. Like a side gig.”
Yunho hums. “Really? Interesting thought.”
“Yeah,” Yoochun says. “He initially wanted us to be a unit some years down the line, but I told him flat out that Changmin would be against it. For obvious reasons.”
At the implication, Yunho blushes.
It isn't the correct reaction. Yoochun sighs. “You see, it's stuff like that that makes me uncomfortable with this whole setup between you and Changmin.”
Yunho's brow furrows.
Jaejoong apparently catches his discomfort. “Yoochun-ah,” he says.
“No, I'm not picking a fight,” Yoochun replies. “I agreed to go along with everything for Changmin's sake, 'cause he needs it and he needs you, but here you go blushing over him. Have you two talked yet? Do you have a plan when it comes to him?”
“Yoochun-ah,” Jaejoong says again. “Walk it off.”
Yoochun appears to come out of a haze. He shakes his head, pinches his nose. “Sorry.” He meets Yunho's eyes. “Sorry. Bad habit.”
Yunho shrugs stiffly.
Yoochun grimaces. “Can I eat this in my room?” he asks. “I've messed up the mood.”
Jaejoong nods. “Just don't get yolk on the sheets. Junsu already got Cool-Aid everywhere.”
Yoochun hums and leaves the room. Yunho barely has time to process the shift in atmosphere before Jaejoong is leaning over him.
“Are you okay?” he asks Yunho.
Yunho smiles. “Yeah. It's cool. He has reason to be threatened.”
Jaejoong sits across from him. “I was hoping he'd gotten over that.”
“Stuff like that takes time, Jae-yah,” Yunho tells him. “I'm willing to let him have it.” Hell, he'll give Yoochun eternity if he needs it. Four whole months of confusion and despair is a hard thing to forgive. He's amazed Yoochun is even willing to try.
Changmin hasn't even told Yoochun the whole story yet. Yunho can only hope that Yoochun won't completely mistrust him afterwards.
Jaejoong takes his hand. “Hey, I forgave you,” he says. “Yoochun will come around.”
Yunho smiles, though he's not quite sure that Jaejoong understands what he's saying. He decides to move the focus off of himself.
“So,” he says, “what are you thinking about what Changju said?”
Jaejoong sighs, smile fading. “I wasn't expecting much to begin with, so...”
“Jae-yah...” Yunho soothes.
Jaejoong rests his chin on his free hand, squeezing Yunho's hand harder with the other. “I mean it. I mean, everything since I've come out has been difficult. Not as difficult as it was for you and Changmin, but still not a walk in the park.”
Yunho nods. With every day that passes, it seems that Yoochun has it easier and easier compared to any of the others in their household. Even Junsu is having his personal struggles, and Jaejoong is slowly driving himself mad with envy. Yunho hates to watch it happen, but there's little he can do to stop it. He even spoke with Changmin about it, but for the first time since the lawsuit, Changmin had nothing to offer.
“Yoochun's having the coming out story we both wish we'd had,” he said. “We can't make it purposefully worse. That's shitty. It won't last-it never does. Let him have this while he can.”
Yunho begrudgingly agreed with him.
“Some people just have it easier,” Yunho says.
Jaejoong smiles. “I know.” He laughs, touching his forehead. “You know, I think if I was more like Yoochun or you or Changmin, it might be easier.”
Yunho blinks. “How so?”
“Not that your life has been easy,” Jaejoong says quickly. “You just demand respect. I always admired that about you guys. Even those that didn't like you at first, or those homophobic assholes; a few weeks in, and they'd be treating you like colleagues. It's great. It's really great.”
Yunho grows confused. “People respect you, Jae-yah,” he says.
“I earn respect,” Jaejoong says, smile completely gone. “I don't demand it. With Yoochun, there's no `You might make out in an elevator,' or `You might come out to the planet just 'cause it makes you happy and you need validation for feeling anything on your own.'”
Yunho's eyes widen. “We didn't mean to offend-”
Jaejoong waves him silent. “No one expects Yoochun to randomly blurt out his love or accidentally peck Changmin on the lips during a variety show. You say it all the time, don't you? I'm selfish. Self-centered. Childish. I throw tantrums, for Christ's sake.”
Yunho tries to speak over him. “Jae, I didn't actually mean-”
“And I have no real respect for myself,” Jaejoong says.
Yunho snaps his mouth shut.
Jaejoong takes Yunho's other hand. “Yunho, I would totally make out in an elevator-I have made out in an elevator-or tell the planet that I'm bi because I feel that to be happy I need permission or blurt out how much I love you in public or accidentally kiss you in the middle of a variety show when the adrenaline went to my head.”
Yunho is out of things to say, so he remains silent, holding Jaejoong's hands and listening diligently.
“I've actually been thinking about this stuff a lot lately,” Jaejoong says, and it sounds like an admission. He isn't looking Yunho in the eye. “The way I fight with you and Changmin, the way you and Changmin have to talk around things or dumb things down for me. The way I've been avoiding Junsu. I make... every little thing about myself. I'm so scared of people not liking me and unsure of my self-worth, so I counter-balance it with vanity and... well, more vanity. I want to be who I was when we started TVXQ. Sure, I was young, but I was humble, and I nurtured.”
His grip on Yunho's hands is painful now. Yunho leans forward, nearly overwhelmed with this new insight. “Jaejoong-ah... We're all just big children. When I'm trying to win a fight, I say hurtful things. That doesn't automatically make them true. Changmin and I have a lot of life experience with issues and concepts that you've never had to know about until recently, so of course you're having a lot of things explained to you in a way that you can understand. You nurture us to death. And we've all been avoiding Junsu. There's honestly nothing we can do for him besides having him committed, but we haven't because it's really sensitive.”
Jaejoong shakes his head. “I don't want your validation. No.” He releases Yunho's hands. “I don't want to want your validation. I want to know these things myself. I want to know that I'm just as grown up as the rest of you. I want to be me, but actually like being me.”
Yunho nods as it starts to clear. He folds his arms on the counter. “I had no idea that you were thinking like this.”
“It's only been recent,” Jaejoong says. “We've spent all our time together making out, so there wasn't really a time to bring it up.”
Yunho nods. He considers his words before commenting. Jaejoong is usually so oblivious, and he's always been, so this heartfelt speech about self-worth and growing up is more than surprising. Yunho isn't quite sure what to make of it. Then he thinks back to that day in the convenience store, before he even knew Jaejoong's name, and he realizes. That's who Jaejoong wants to be again.
Yunho thinks back to when he was seventeen, and he supposes that if anyone can relate to what Jaejoong is feeling, it's him. Though, he's not up for sharing that story with Jaejoong just yet; of course, he is grateful that Jaejoong is choosing positive action over negative, a decision that wasn't so easy for Yunho at the time.
“What you're talking about is a journey,” Yunho says. “To start working on taming the things you dislike about yourself and working on developing traits you'd like to have.”
Jaejoong nods. “Yeah. Becoming a version of me that I like.”
“A version of you that you love,” Yunho corrects. He studies Jaejoong's face. “Do you feel that it would be easier to do alone? Do you want to wait on a relationship?”
“No!” Jaejoong says. “I want to be with you at the same time. Just know that this is what I'm doing. And while I don't need your help, your support would be appreciated.”
Yunho notes the slight trembling of hopefulness in that last sentence and wonders just how difficult it is for Jaejoong to be sharing this with him. He's both moved and concerned.
“Of course,” he says, leaning over the counter to kiss Jaejoong's cheek. “You will always have my complete support for anything that you do.”
“Thank you,” Jaejoong says, his voice barely a whisper.
Yunho is reminded again of that beautiful boy who forgot his wallet in the car, and Yunho knows right there and then that Jaejoong can find that boy again. He only hopes that Jaejoong won't realize how fucked up Yunho really is once he finds him.
*
Fifteen minutes later, while Jaejoong is in the shower and Yoochun is still in his bedroom, Yunho finds Junsu in the dining room. He startles, a hand over his chest.
“I thought you were out until Wednesday,” he says.
Junsu smiles, putting down his phone. “I was passing by. I thought I should tell you something before I forget to.”
“Okay,” Yunho says. He sits beside Junsu, chair angled toward him. “Go ahead.”
Junsu drops his eyes. “My brother was suggesting that I begin a solo career,” he says.
Yunho frowns. “I see,” he says slowly.
“He says that I'm good enough,” Junsu continues. “Popular enough. And it's not all imagined because he's my twin. He's right, I'm realizing.”
Yunho clamps down on the dread creeping toward his chest. “Is that what you want?” he asks quietly.
Junsu shakes his head. “Hyung, I would never consider leaving the band without a discussion between all of us, especially not right now. Maybe five, six years down the line, but certainly not five months after we got back together.”
Yunho nods, comforted. He allows himself a relieved breath. “Alright. I appreciate that.”
“I just want you to know that there are other options for me,” Junsu says, softer. “I'm just deciding not to take them. I know I've said this before, but I'm trying really hard to be a better friend to you guys. To support your relationships. I'm not just waiting for an opportunity to run away.”
Yunho smiles. “Everyone's having existential crises at the moment, it seems.”
“Are we?” Junsu asks, smiling back.
Yunho pats Junsu's hand. “I appreciate your telling me,” he says. “You've always been honest with me.”
Junsu nods.
“So go back to your brother,” Yunho says, releasing Junsu's hand. He tries to hide any lingering shock. “Tell him that I say hi.”
Junsu stands. “I will.”
Yunho watches him go with his own heart in his throat. What was that that Changmin said, he wonders. Bargaining?
*
“So are you going to start a relationship with Yoochun soon?” Nakama asks as Changmin prepares to leave.
“Soon,” Changmin replies. “I still have a few kinks I want to work out before I commit.”
“Would Yunho happen to be one of those kinks?” Nakama asks.
Changmin sighs. “Maybe. No idea how to go about that, though.”
Nakama hums and taps his chin. “I'm not well-versed in platonic relationships past the first few levels of friendship, so I'm afraid I'm not of much help.”
Changmin shrugs. “It's fine.”
“But I can suggest the internet,” Nakama says finally. “I would start with platonic relationships and maybe polyamory, in your case. The asexual circles might be of some help, as well. My knowledge is limited. I only just heard of asexuality; my son came out to me last week.”
“Good for him,” Changmin says, smiling. “Thank you, Dr. I'll look into it.”
A/N: Okay, I want to talk about Jaejoong's self-discovery scene. First off, I wasn't sure whether to write it in Jaejoong's point of view or Yunho's, but in the end I went with Yunho's even though it would make so much more sense to have it in Jaejoong's. Yunho won basically because writing it in Jae's POV was too difficult. His words hold so much honesty and emotion, his thoughts were just taking away from them. This is a HUGE development for Jaejoong, because he's realizing that what it means to grow up isn't to be a stock-broker and be able to talk politics with a cigar between your lips, it's to love yourself, treat yourself with respect, and know who you are. Also, it means not accepting anything less than what you deserve, even from yourself. The rawness of his spoken words couldn't be drowned out by his unspoken words. So Yunho POV it is. And the “boy in the convenience store” is from the Intermission.
Also, the reason I put this in is because about a week or so ago I decided to start undergoing the same journey. Writing this actually made me cry.
(And yes, this entire chapter was supposed to take place in the span of one hour. Also, the warnings have finally been updated for this fic.)
Pairing: YunJae; YooMin
Length: 4/50
Genre: Romance; Humor; Angst
Warning(s): Homophobia, Suicidal thoughts, Drug addiction, HIV mentions, Anxiety disorder, Self harm, Prostitution, Violence, Bashing
Rating: NC17 / PG15
Disclaimer: Seriously?
Summary: Out of a loop and into the future, how can TVXQ survive a shift in cultures and societal viewpoints as they move back home to brave the uncertain waters that are their Korean careers? Jaejoong can't exactly focus on the bleakness of their work, however, if he is too distracted by the bleakness of their home. Yunho and Changmin, though now separate, find it difficult to distance their bond, Yoochun knows the lack of argument in his and Changmin's relationship is unhealthy, and Jaejoong wonders how he and Yunho will fair the rocky undertones of their dysfunctional relationship. And what of Junsu? What of their families?
00 | 01 | 02 | 03: PG15 / NC17
CHAPTER FOUR
“How was your flight?”
Changmin shrugs as he takes his seat on the couch, stretching his arms above his head. “No worse than usual.”
Dr. Nakama nods, sitting back in his chair. “The food was good, at least.”
Changmin laughs. “Oh, sure.”
Nakama smiles. “Should we just get started, then?”
“We should,” Changmin says, smiling back.
*
“Yunho,” Jaejoong manages between kisses, “I need to cook breakfast.”
Yunho hums a dismissal, recapturing Jaejoong's lips and pulling Jaejoong's leg over his hip. Jaejoong chuckles into his mouth.
It's only been a couple of days since the start of their relationship, but Jaejoong is confident that he hasn't spent this much accumulated time kissing in the entirety of his sexual life. They keep their affectionate gestures minimal in public thanks to Yunho's paranoia, but in private, making out is all they really do. Not that Jaejoong's complaining. Much.
“Yunho-yah,” Jaejoong whines when Yunho finally pulls away. “Food.”
“Food is for the weak,” Yunho says, kissing Jaejoong's neck.
Jaejoong laughs.
They're startled by the sound of Yunho's phone vibrating on the coffee table. Yunho groans into Jaejoong's hair.
“You should get that,” Jaejoong tells him pointedly.
“Ugh,” is Yunho's reply.
“You've already let it go to voicemail once,” Jaejoong says. “Changju will be disappointed.”
“Oh,” Yunho says, pulling off of Jaejoong and rolling his eyes. “Can't have that, now can we?”
Jaejoong smiles at him. He's about to say something else when his stomach rumbles in between them.
Yunho laughs and reaches for his phone. “Fine. Go make breakfast.”
Jaejoong kisses him once more before climbing to his feet, but Yoochun enters the moment he rises.
“Good morning,” Jaejoong greets cheerfully, moving forward to meet him.
Yunho nods at Yoochun, phone to his ear.
Yoochun merely replies with a long tortured sigh.
Jaejoong stares at him a moment before remembering the discussion they had the previous night. “That bad, huh?” he asks sympathetically.
Yoochun lolls his head to the side.
“He'll be back by noon,” Jaejoong reminds him.
“Yeah,” Yoochun says, “but I can't do anything today without him with me.”
Jaejoong quirks an eyebrow. “Wow. Talk about codependent.”
Yoochun snorts.
Yunho lowers his phone. “You're supposed to be at C-JES,” he says to Yoochun. “Changju's secretary is freaking out.”
“That's what I mean,” Yoochun says. “Changmin and I were supposed to have a meeting today with Changju, but Changmin's not here.”
“So?” Yunho asks.
“I can't go alone,” Yoochun says.
“Sure you can,” Yunho says. He pauses as the person on the other line begins to say something. “No, ma'am, he's on vacation. He'll be back Wednesday.”
“Who's on vacation?” Jaejoong asks Yoochun softly.
“Junsu,” Yoochun replies. “Do you notice when he's not here?”
Jaejoong cringes a little at that, but he holds his remarks. Anything he has to say will only paint him an asshole, anyway.
“Right.” Yunho snaps his phone closed. “Changju will meet you within the hour, so you might as well get down there.”
“Without Changmin?” Yoochun asks, frowning.
Yunho nods. “It sounds like Changju wants to talk to you more than Changmin, anyway. The secretary was kinda vague about it, but I got that vibe.”
“What does he want to talk about again?” Yoochun asks, checking his watch.
“Wouldn't tell me,” Yunho says. “But I want to know, so text me when you get out.”
“Of course,” Yoochun says.
Jaejoong smiles at the promise in his voice.
Yoochun checks his watch again. “Alright, I should jump in the shower then.” He looks at Jaejoong. “Make me breakfast when I get back?”
“Eggs?” Jaejoong asks.
“You're the best,” Yoochun replies. He nods and makes for the hallway, not quite as sad as he was when he entered.
Jaejoong turns to Yunho. Almost immediately, Yunho has him in another kiss, arms held tightly to his sides. Jaejoong melts into it, then pushes Yunho away.
“This is good,” he says, holding Yunho's hands, “right?”
“Your kissing is great,” Yunho replies reassuringly.
Jaejoong laughs. “No, I mean Yoochun. He's being civil, taking orders, promising to text you when he's done.”
“I just convinced him to go,” Yunho says. “If he really didn't want to, though, he wouldn't have to. I'm not a drill sargent.”
“I just think it's nice,” Jaejoong says. “He's treating you better. I didn't like the way you two were.”
Yunho nods in understanding.
Jaejoong shrugs. “It's almost like we're getting back to a kind of normal, you know?”
“Baby,” Yunho says, pushing him back onto the couch, “I'm afraid you're going to have to start hoping for a new kind of normal.”
Jaejoong giggles as Yunho falls on top of him.
*
“Maybe you should leave the band.”
Junsu looks at his brother. “We just got back together.”
“I know, but...” Junho sighs and pauses the video game. “It used to be everything that you ever wanted, but recently it's not so good for you anymore.”
“I... I see what you're trying to say,” Junsu says, “but I love them, and they need me. Singing is really the only thing keeping me above the current.”
“You could go solo,” Junho presses. “You're popular enough. Talented enough.”
Junsu looks at the TV, his game controller trembling in his hands.
Junho takes notice. He sighs. “Just consider it, okay?” he asks. “I want my Junsu back.”
Junsu nods and un-pauses the game.
*
Yoochun pulls his earbuds from his ears upon entering the C-JES building, mildly trepidatious. Perhaps it's an instinct he's developed in response to the wave of misfortune that's been on their tails these past six months, but Yoochun cannot think of any good reason for a one-on-one meeting with a manager of any kind, even Changju. Not this early in the game, in any case.
The receptionist spots him from her desk and waves him over. He smiles as he approaches.
“He just got in,” she says, tilting her head to the side and moving her hair off her neck. “His secretary ran out for coffee, so she told me to just send you up if you got here before she got back.”
Yoochun holds her gaze politely before starting towards the elevator. This meeting was only scheduled the day before. Changmin, of course, agreed before remembering his appointment with Dr. Nakama, and regardless of the apparent importance of whatever Changju wanted to discuss, Yunho didn't let Changmin cancel. Yoochun agreed with the leader on that front.
Now, however, Yoochun would definitely prefer some company. What could be so dire that Changju wouldn't even tell Yunho?
“Yoochun-ah,” Changju greets when Yoochun rounds the corner to his office. He's standing just outside his open door, signing a clipboard held for him by a C-JES employee. He waves the man away. “Please, come in,” he says to Yoochun, “I've been waiting for you.”
Yoochun swallows his apprehension, bowing and entering the office. Changju follows and shuts the door behind him.
“Changmin's in Japan for the day,” Yoochun says, taking a seat.
“Ah yes, his therapy session,” Changju says. “Yunho told me over the phone last night. If it's so much trouble, we could arrange for another psychiatrist for Changmin to see in Seoul. It would be a severely less expensive trip.”
“It's only every two weeks,” Yoochun replies, “and Changmin seems to trust this doctor more than most, so we figure we can spare the expense.”
Changju nods. “Fair enough.” He sits on the edge of his desk. “So we'll just have a little talk between the two of us.”
Yoochun's throat dries the tiniest amount.
“Full Colored Vision,” Changju says.
Yoochun deflates in relief. “Yeah?” he says.
“It's good,” Changju says. “I want to see more.”
“More?” Yoochun asks.
“More of Changmin's singing paired with your rapping,” Changju explains. He leans towards Yoochun. “I think you could go far together.”
“You mean as a duo?” Yoochun asks.
“Yes,” Changju replies. “Maybe even a unit someday.”
Yoochun stares at him.
“Someday,” Changju repeats.
Yoochun considers it. Considers leaving Jaejoong and Junsu and Yunho to do their own thing and touring with Changmin by his side. A long honeymoon with each album.
“Changmin wouldn't want that,” Yoochun says eventually. He wouldn't, dreaming aside. Changmin would never consider leaving Yunho, not now, not ten years from now. It just isn't an option.
And if Yoochun is truly honest with himself, he knows that he wouldn't want that either. It's a nice thought, though.
Changju doesn't ask questions. “Maybe not a unit, then,” he amends with a shrug. “Do you feel he'd at least be comfortable with a duo?”
“I'd have to ask him,” Yoochun says. “But maybe.” If Changmin doesn't have to leave the band, there's a possibility he'll say yes. It'll be a while before he does, but he might eventually.
“Good,” Changju says, pushing off his desk. “Talk to him and get back to me. I have some great ideas for a few albums. Set designs, style, tone.” He grins. “But I promise to not get too excited before having Changmin's consent. I don't want to make him do anything he's not comfortable with.”
Yoochun watches him round his desk. “Was that all, sir?” he asks. “I wouldn't rush anything, but I haven't eaten yet and Jaejoong was going to cook me something when I got back.”
“Well I'd hate to keep you from Jaejoong's cooking,” Changju says, sitting in his chair, “but there's one more thing I'd like to discuss with you.”
“Okay,” Yoochun says, sitting forward.
“Are you sleeping with Changmin?” Changju asks.
Yoochun's stomach drops.
Changju's smile is as pleasant as ever. “If you are, I need to know about it.”
“I...” Yoochun licks his lips. “I'm not.”
“Not, or not yet?” Changju asks. He sets his elbows on the desk. “If you're only having sex, that's your business. You keep it behind closed doors, you're mature enough to abstain from sexual relations when in hotels or other public spaces such as elevators and the like.”
Yoochun shifts in his seat, growing more uncomfortable by the second.
Changju's smile wanes sympathetically. “My main concern is that you're dating. If you are, I would advise you to stop.”
Yoochun places his hands on his knees.
“You see,” Changju says, pulling two bottles of water from the mini-fridge beside his desk, “you have a tell. When you're in love.” He hands Yoochun one of the bottles.
Yoochun takes it silently.
“You don't look at anyone else,” Changju explains. “You stop flirting. You look at your partner with absolute adoration. In short, you make it painfully obvious. And that's fine. That's great. But you cannot be publicly in love with Shim Changmin. Do you know why?”
Yoochun nods slowly.
“Good,” Changju says. His smile brightens. “You may go get some of that cooking Jaejoong promised you, if you'd like. I'll see you at tomorrow's meeting.”
Yoochun rises to his feet, placing the unopened water bottle on the desk gently. He turns to leave before Changju calls him back.
“Oh, and tell Jaejoong: He's straight.” Even without looking at him, Yoochun can hear the warning look with which Changju is pinning him. “I don't care what he thinks he might be. Until his contract's up, he's straight.”
*
“He said that?” Jaejoong asks, spatula in hand.
Yoochun nods. “Yeah. It was weird as hell.”
Yunho watches them from behind his newspaper. He's sitting on the living room side of the bar, Jaejoong and Yoochun standing opposite him in the kitchen. He pays special attention to Jaejoong's reaction, but Jaejoong simply frowns and turns to flip the egg he's frying.
“I mean,” Yoochun says, “why would he be supportive of me and Changmin but not supportive of you? It makes no sense.”
Yunho wouldn't use the word supportive, but he holds his tongue. “That is surprising,” he says instead, “considering that Jaejoong is his favorite.”
Jaejoong rolls his eyes and looks at Yoochun. “How does he even know?” he asks. “We've seen him twice since we've been back, and I haven't told anyone outside the band about either of us.”
“Neither have I,” Yoochun replies. “Do you think Junsu could've...?”
A protective surge of anger rises in Yunho's chest. “Junsu wouldn't do that,” he says calmly. He sets down the newspaper. “I don't know, is Changju usually this perceptive?”
Jaejoong shakes his head. “Nah. Has he said anything to you?”
“No,” Yunho says. “The most he's said regarding my sexuality is that if I'm going to date anyone it should be another celebrity and not a civilian.” Which Yunho honestly respects Changju for. Whatever Changju's personal views on sexuality of any kind, he knows how to keep the tabloids positive. Plus, the last thing Yunho could ever need is another Jiyun situation.
“It's still weird that he's not in support of Jaejoong,” Yoochun points out.
Yunho shrugs. “I wouldn't say that, necessarily. Changju's a businessman, first of all. I don't think it has anything to do with the sexuality side of things.” He looks at Jaejoong, who's flipping another egg. “Jaejoong's kind of bad at having a personal life.”
While Yoochun nods in agreement, Jaejoong glares at both of them.
“Rude,” he mutters. “I haven't told anyone anything that's happened these past few months. Not even my family.”
“No, Jae, you can keep a secret,” Yunho elaborates. “You're just bad at having them. As soon as you're happy about something, you want to tell the world.”
“It's like you need validation or something,” Yoochun adds.
This time Jaejoong visibly flinches, and Yunho straitens on his stool.
“I've got faith in you, though,” he says quickly. “Changju and I might not get along, but we see eye to eye on a lot of this publicity stuff. If I thought you couldn't handle it, I would've never agreed to a relationship. Besides, you're infamous for saying tons of sketchy things in public. You've toned it down a bit already, but even if you slip, we can manage it.”
That doesn't seem to comfort Jaejoong. He reaches for a plate on the drying rack, nonetheless, turning the stove off at the same time.
Yunho recognizes the need for a shift in conversation, so he looks at Yoochun. “Anyway, what do you make of his advice regarding you and Changmin?”
Yoochun shrugs. “I wasn't taking it too seriously.”
Yunho and Jaejoong exchange looks.
“What's your plan?” Yunho asks Yoochun.
“Regarding what?” Yoochun asks.
“You don't have a choice here,” Yunho tells him. “When Changju advises that you do something, he's ordering it.”
“I don't-” Yoochun crosses his arms. “Do you want me to break up with Changmin? We're not even dating yet, first thing, and second-”
“I'm not suggesting that,” Yunho says before Yoochun can get ahead of himself. “But Changju has a point. You are very obvious when you're in love.”
“Which is fine,” Jaejoong interrupts, handing Yoochun a plate and setting another in front of Yunho.
“But you need to watch it,” Yunho says.
Yoochun sighs. If he's offended, Yunho can't tell. “What do you want me to do?” Yoochun asks.
“I don't know,” Yunho says, then an idea hits him. “Don't look at him in public.”
Yoochun's jaw drops and Jaejoong nearly bursts into laughter. Yunho smiles at the contrast.
“That could work,” Jaejoong says, trying to keep his face straight.
“Yeah,” Yunho says. He nods. “Don't look at him in public.”
“What if I have to talk to him?” Yoochun asks.
“You don't need your eyes for that,” Yunho replies, and Jaejoong finally breaks into a fit of giggles.
“That's ridiculous!” Yoochun says, ignoring Jaejoong.
Yunho holds up his hands. “Hey, it's my rules or Changju's. I'm not saying avoid him like the plague, I'm saying don't make eye contact.”
“It's not really that bad,” Jaejoong says helpfully, calming himself enough to pat Yoochun on the back.
Yoochun nods at him, then at Yunho. “I suppose not.” He grabs a pair of chopsticks from the drying rack. “I'll talk to Changmin about it tonight, alright?”
Yunho nods, satisfied.
“Oh, yeah, and speaking of talking to him.” Yoochun looks at Yunho. “What Changju wanted to talk to me and Changmin about was doing a duo type thing. Like a side gig.”
Yunho hums. “Really? Interesting thought.”
“Yeah,” Yoochun says. “He initially wanted us to be a unit some years down the line, but I told him flat out that Changmin would be against it. For obvious reasons.”
At the implication, Yunho blushes.
It isn't the correct reaction. Yoochun sighs. “You see, it's stuff like that that makes me uncomfortable with this whole setup between you and Changmin.”
Yunho's brow furrows.
Jaejoong apparently catches his discomfort. “Yoochun-ah,” he says.
“No, I'm not picking a fight,” Yoochun replies. “I agreed to go along with everything for Changmin's sake, 'cause he needs it and he needs you, but here you go blushing over him. Have you two talked yet? Do you have a plan when it comes to him?”
“Yoochun-ah,” Jaejoong says again. “Walk it off.”
Yoochun appears to come out of a haze. He shakes his head, pinches his nose. “Sorry.” He meets Yunho's eyes. “Sorry. Bad habit.”
Yunho shrugs stiffly.
Yoochun grimaces. “Can I eat this in my room?” he asks. “I've messed up the mood.”
Jaejoong nods. “Just don't get yolk on the sheets. Junsu already got Cool-Aid everywhere.”
Yoochun hums and leaves the room. Yunho barely has time to process the shift in atmosphere before Jaejoong is leaning over him.
“Are you okay?” he asks Yunho.
Yunho smiles. “Yeah. It's cool. He has reason to be threatened.”
Jaejoong sits across from him. “I was hoping he'd gotten over that.”
“Stuff like that takes time, Jae-yah,” Yunho tells him. “I'm willing to let him have it.” Hell, he'll give Yoochun eternity if he needs it. Four whole months of confusion and despair is a hard thing to forgive. He's amazed Yoochun is even willing to try.
Changmin hasn't even told Yoochun the whole story yet. Yunho can only hope that Yoochun won't completely mistrust him afterwards.
Jaejoong takes his hand. “Hey, I forgave you,” he says. “Yoochun will come around.”
Yunho smiles, though he's not quite sure that Jaejoong understands what he's saying. He decides to move the focus off of himself.
“So,” he says, “what are you thinking about what Changju said?”
Jaejoong sighs, smile fading. “I wasn't expecting much to begin with, so...”
“Jae-yah...” Yunho soothes.
Jaejoong rests his chin on his free hand, squeezing Yunho's hand harder with the other. “I mean it. I mean, everything since I've come out has been difficult. Not as difficult as it was for you and Changmin, but still not a walk in the park.”
Yunho nods. With every day that passes, it seems that Yoochun has it easier and easier compared to any of the others in their household. Even Junsu is having his personal struggles, and Jaejoong is slowly driving himself mad with envy. Yunho hates to watch it happen, but there's little he can do to stop it. He even spoke with Changmin about it, but for the first time since the lawsuit, Changmin had nothing to offer.
“Yoochun's having the coming out story we both wish we'd had,” he said. “We can't make it purposefully worse. That's shitty. It won't last-it never does. Let him have this while he can.”
Yunho begrudgingly agreed with him.
“Some people just have it easier,” Yunho says.
Jaejoong smiles. “I know.” He laughs, touching his forehead. “You know, I think if I was more like Yoochun or you or Changmin, it might be easier.”
Yunho blinks. “How so?”
“Not that your life has been easy,” Jaejoong says quickly. “You just demand respect. I always admired that about you guys. Even those that didn't like you at first, or those homophobic assholes; a few weeks in, and they'd be treating you like colleagues. It's great. It's really great.”
Yunho grows confused. “People respect you, Jae-yah,” he says.
“I earn respect,” Jaejoong says, smile completely gone. “I don't demand it. With Yoochun, there's no `You might make out in an elevator,' or `You might come out to the planet just 'cause it makes you happy and you need validation for feeling anything on your own.'”
Yunho's eyes widen. “We didn't mean to offend-”
Jaejoong waves him silent. “No one expects Yoochun to randomly blurt out his love or accidentally peck Changmin on the lips during a variety show. You say it all the time, don't you? I'm selfish. Self-centered. Childish. I throw tantrums, for Christ's sake.”
Yunho tries to speak over him. “Jae, I didn't actually mean-”
“And I have no real respect for myself,” Jaejoong says.
Yunho snaps his mouth shut.
Jaejoong takes Yunho's other hand. “Yunho, I would totally make out in an elevator-I have made out in an elevator-or tell the planet that I'm bi because I feel that to be happy I need permission or blurt out how much I love you in public or accidentally kiss you in the middle of a variety show when the adrenaline went to my head.”
Yunho is out of things to say, so he remains silent, holding Jaejoong's hands and listening diligently.
“I've actually been thinking about this stuff a lot lately,” Jaejoong says, and it sounds like an admission. He isn't looking Yunho in the eye. “The way I fight with you and Changmin, the way you and Changmin have to talk around things or dumb things down for me. The way I've been avoiding Junsu. I make... every little thing about myself. I'm so scared of people not liking me and unsure of my self-worth, so I counter-balance it with vanity and... well, more vanity. I want to be who I was when we started TVXQ. Sure, I was young, but I was humble, and I nurtured.”
His grip on Yunho's hands is painful now. Yunho leans forward, nearly overwhelmed with this new insight. “Jaejoong-ah... We're all just big children. When I'm trying to win a fight, I say hurtful things. That doesn't automatically make them true. Changmin and I have a lot of life experience with issues and concepts that you've never had to know about until recently, so of course you're having a lot of things explained to you in a way that you can understand. You nurture us to death. And we've all been avoiding Junsu. There's honestly nothing we can do for him besides having him committed, but we haven't because it's really sensitive.”
Jaejoong shakes his head. “I don't want your validation. No.” He releases Yunho's hands. “I don't want to want your validation. I want to know these things myself. I want to know that I'm just as grown up as the rest of you. I want to be me, but actually like being me.”
Yunho nods as it starts to clear. He folds his arms on the counter. “I had no idea that you were thinking like this.”
“It's only been recent,” Jaejoong says. “We've spent all our time together making out, so there wasn't really a time to bring it up.”
Yunho nods. He considers his words before commenting. Jaejoong is usually so oblivious, and he's always been, so this heartfelt speech about self-worth and growing up is more than surprising. Yunho isn't quite sure what to make of it. Then he thinks back to that day in the convenience store, before he even knew Jaejoong's name, and he realizes. That's who Jaejoong wants to be again.
Yunho thinks back to when he was seventeen, and he supposes that if anyone can relate to what Jaejoong is feeling, it's him. Though, he's not up for sharing that story with Jaejoong just yet; of course, he is grateful that Jaejoong is choosing positive action over negative, a decision that wasn't so easy for Yunho at the time.
“What you're talking about is a journey,” Yunho says. “To start working on taming the things you dislike about yourself and working on developing traits you'd like to have.”
Jaejoong nods. “Yeah. Becoming a version of me that I like.”
“A version of you that you love,” Yunho corrects. He studies Jaejoong's face. “Do you feel that it would be easier to do alone? Do you want to wait on a relationship?”
“No!” Jaejoong says. “I want to be with you at the same time. Just know that this is what I'm doing. And while I don't need your help, your support would be appreciated.”
Yunho notes the slight trembling of hopefulness in that last sentence and wonders just how difficult it is for Jaejoong to be sharing this with him. He's both moved and concerned.
“Of course,” he says, leaning over the counter to kiss Jaejoong's cheek. “You will always have my complete support for anything that you do.”
“Thank you,” Jaejoong says, his voice barely a whisper.
Yunho is reminded again of that beautiful boy who forgot his wallet in the car, and Yunho knows right there and then that Jaejoong can find that boy again. He only hopes that Jaejoong won't realize how fucked up Yunho really is once he finds him.
*
Fifteen minutes later, while Jaejoong is in the shower and Yoochun is still in his bedroom, Yunho finds Junsu in the dining room. He startles, a hand over his chest.
“I thought you were out until Wednesday,” he says.
Junsu smiles, putting down his phone. “I was passing by. I thought I should tell you something before I forget to.”
“Okay,” Yunho says. He sits beside Junsu, chair angled toward him. “Go ahead.”
Junsu drops his eyes. “My brother was suggesting that I begin a solo career,” he says.
Yunho frowns. “I see,” he says slowly.
“He says that I'm good enough,” Junsu continues. “Popular enough. And it's not all imagined because he's my twin. He's right, I'm realizing.”
Yunho clamps down on the dread creeping toward his chest. “Is that what you want?” he asks quietly.
Junsu shakes his head. “Hyung, I would never consider leaving the band without a discussion between all of us, especially not right now. Maybe five, six years down the line, but certainly not five months after we got back together.”
Yunho nods, comforted. He allows himself a relieved breath. “Alright. I appreciate that.”
“I just want you to know that there are other options for me,” Junsu says, softer. “I'm just deciding not to take them. I know I've said this before, but I'm trying really hard to be a better friend to you guys. To support your relationships. I'm not just waiting for an opportunity to run away.”
Yunho smiles. “Everyone's having existential crises at the moment, it seems.”
“Are we?” Junsu asks, smiling back.
Yunho pats Junsu's hand. “I appreciate your telling me,” he says. “You've always been honest with me.”
Junsu nods.
“So go back to your brother,” Yunho says, releasing Junsu's hand. He tries to hide any lingering shock. “Tell him that I say hi.”
Junsu stands. “I will.”
Yunho watches him go with his own heart in his throat. What was that that Changmin said, he wonders. Bargaining?
*
“So are you going to start a relationship with Yoochun soon?” Nakama asks as Changmin prepares to leave.
“Soon,” Changmin replies. “I still have a few kinks I want to work out before I commit.”
“Would Yunho happen to be one of those kinks?” Nakama asks.
Changmin sighs. “Maybe. No idea how to go about that, though.”
Nakama hums and taps his chin. “I'm not well-versed in platonic relationships past the first few levels of friendship, so I'm afraid I'm not of much help.”
Changmin shrugs. “It's fine.”
“But I can suggest the internet,” Nakama says finally. “I would start with platonic relationships and maybe polyamory, in your case. The asexual circles might be of some help, as well. My knowledge is limited. I only just heard of asexuality; my son came out to me last week.”
“Good for him,” Changmin says, smiling. “Thank you, Dr. I'll look into it.”
A/N: Okay, I want to talk about Jaejoong's self-discovery scene. First off, I wasn't sure whether to write it in Jaejoong's point of view or Yunho's, but in the end I went with Yunho's even though it would make so much more sense to have it in Jaejoong's. Yunho won basically because writing it in Jae's POV was too difficult. His words hold so much honesty and emotion, his thoughts were just taking away from them. This is a HUGE development for Jaejoong, because he's realizing that what it means to grow up isn't to be a stock-broker and be able to talk politics with a cigar between your lips, it's to love yourself, treat yourself with respect, and know who you are. Also, it means not accepting anything less than what you deserve, even from yourself. The rawness of his spoken words couldn't be drowned out by his unspoken words. So Yunho POV it is. And the “boy in the convenience store” is from the Intermission.
Also, the reason I put this in is because about a week or so ago I decided to start undergoing the same journey. Writing this actually made me cry.
(And yes, this entire chapter was supposed to take place in the span of one hour. Also, the warnings have finally been updated for this fic.)