The Dream
The Dream
So, I had this dream the other night that seemed to have been alluding to the fact that maybe the direction my life is taking needs to take a little turn in another direction.
I dreamt that I was having dinner with Kraig (my best friend) and his sister Erika and brother-in-law Jeff. For some reason, Erika was being a super bitch and she's totally not like that in real life. She's kind and creative and down to earth...just a really cool person. In my dream, though, she was this rich, pretentious bitch and I was really intimidated and scared of her. So anyway, I was setting her place at the table and she was like, "Um, that's NOT the way I want it." and it was like everything I did was wrong and Jeff was being the exact same way. I went up to Kraig who was getting more dishes out and I said, "Is there something I'm doing wrong?" He said, "No, just give her time to warm up to you." and at the end of the night Erika said, "Hey Pam. Why don't you join my friends and I at our book club meeting?" I was a little confused but I said okay.
So then my dream switched to night time and Erika, her friends and I were all in this carriage going through downtown Minneapolis and they were laughing and saying really mean and shallow things about people they knew and I felt REALLY left out...kinda like, "These are not people I should be hanging out with." Well, it turned out that we weren't going through downtown Minneapolis after all...it was actually Milwaukee and we were going to a Marquette football game. Well, since I went to Marquette and left with pretty bitter feelings, I didn't really wanna be there, but we were there anyway.
I was already pissed off at the girls because they were being so rude and they weren't being nice to me at ALL. They pretty much pretended I wasn't there. So I was leaning against the bleachers and I turned around and saw the Marquette pep band playing. I was overwhelmed with the fact that I missed playing in the band so much and I missed being a part of a group like that that I just started crying SOOO hysterically. I ran until I couldn't run anymore and I stopped under an arch made of stone. It was dark and rainy...water was dripping everywhere. The cobblestone beneath my feet was cold and wet. There was a little bench-like thing that people could sit on and I rested against it to try and regain my composure. All of a sudden, Liz, my oldest sister, appeared and she said, "Pam! What's wrong??" I couldn't answer through my sobs but I got the message across that I didn't know what my problem was. Then Kraig appeared and he said, "Oh my gosh, what happened???" I said, "I don't know if I'm in my right mind and I don't know if this is right, but it's something I have to do right now." On the bench appeared a telephone book and I flipped it open and it landed on the page with the number for the McNally Smith College of Music. I dialed the number and as my phone rang, I woke up.
My loose interpretation of that is I really do miss being part of a group, I miss performing, I miss playing music with other people...but to go back to Marquette would be wrong, but I still need something and McNally Smith would be the answer.
I've been so unhappy with my job lately and it just gets worse as time goes by. I toyed with the idea of getting another job but then I had this dream and certain elements came together that really made me question where I am.
I know that leaving MU was NOT a bad decision. Had I not left, I never would have come to Saint Paul and I love it here so much. If I never would have come to Saint Paul, I never would have gone to Aveda. I learned so much there about myself and I made a lot of friends. Had I not gone there, I never would have worked for Marshall. As much as that has been a trial, I never would have been transferred over to the Payne Ave. office and I never would have even KNOWN about McNally Smith. The first time I saw that college was on the bus going back home from work last April and ever since I've known about it, the only thought I ever have when I see it is "Why couldn't I have gone there instead?" The experiences I've had so far have NOT been a waste. I do feel, however, that I'm being brought somewhere and I have to notice the signs. Also, the day before I had that dream, I had to take the bus because of the snow...I couldn't even bring myself to look out the window when we passed the college 'cos I was so disgusted with myself and I didn't want to have to repeat that same question to myself again....
Why couldn't I have gone there instead?
So...there you have it. I don't know what to do anymore.
So, I had this dream the other night that seemed to have been alluding to the fact that maybe the direction my life is taking needs to take a little turn in another direction.
I dreamt that I was having dinner with Kraig (my best friend) and his sister Erika and brother-in-law Jeff. For some reason, Erika was being a super bitch and she's totally not like that in real life. She's kind and creative and down to earth...just a really cool person. In my dream, though, she was this rich, pretentious bitch and I was really intimidated and scared of her. So anyway, I was setting her place at the table and she was like, "Um, that's NOT the way I want it." and it was like everything I did was wrong and Jeff was being the exact same way. I went up to Kraig who was getting more dishes out and I said, "Is there something I'm doing wrong?" He said, "No, just give her time to warm up to you." and at the end of the night Erika said, "Hey Pam. Why don't you join my friends and I at our book club meeting?" I was a little confused but I said okay.
So then my dream switched to night time and Erika, her friends and I were all in this carriage going through downtown Minneapolis and they were laughing and saying really mean and shallow things about people they knew and I felt REALLY left out...kinda like, "These are not people I should be hanging out with." Well, it turned out that we weren't going through downtown Minneapolis after all...it was actually Milwaukee and we were going to a Marquette football game. Well, since I went to Marquette and left with pretty bitter feelings, I didn't really wanna be there, but we were there anyway.
I was already pissed off at the girls because they were being so rude and they weren't being nice to me at ALL. They pretty much pretended I wasn't there. So I was leaning against the bleachers and I turned around and saw the Marquette pep band playing. I was overwhelmed with the fact that I missed playing in the band so much and I missed being a part of a group like that that I just started crying SOOO hysterically. I ran until I couldn't run anymore and I stopped under an arch made of stone. It was dark and rainy...water was dripping everywhere. The cobblestone beneath my feet was cold and wet. There was a little bench-like thing that people could sit on and I rested against it to try and regain my composure. All of a sudden, Liz, my oldest sister, appeared and she said, "Pam! What's wrong??" I couldn't answer through my sobs but I got the message across that I didn't know what my problem was. Then Kraig appeared and he said, "Oh my gosh, what happened???" I said, "I don't know if I'm in my right mind and I don't know if this is right, but it's something I have to do right now." On the bench appeared a telephone book and I flipped it open and it landed on the page with the number for the McNally Smith College of Music. I dialed the number and as my phone rang, I woke up.
My loose interpretation of that is I really do miss being part of a group, I miss performing, I miss playing music with other people...but to go back to Marquette would be wrong, but I still need something and McNally Smith would be the answer.
I've been so unhappy with my job lately and it just gets worse as time goes by. I toyed with the idea of getting another job but then I had this dream and certain elements came together that really made me question where I am.
I know that leaving MU was NOT a bad decision. Had I not left, I never would have come to Saint Paul and I love it here so much. If I never would have come to Saint Paul, I never would have gone to Aveda. I learned so much there about myself and I made a lot of friends. Had I not gone there, I never would have worked for Marshall. As much as that has been a trial, I never would have been transferred over to the Payne Ave. office and I never would have even KNOWN about McNally Smith. The first time I saw that college was on the bus going back home from work last April and ever since I've known about it, the only thought I ever have when I see it is "Why couldn't I have gone there instead?" The experiences I've had so far have NOT been a waste. I do feel, however, that I'm being brought somewhere and I have to notice the signs. Also, the day before I had that dream, I had to take the bus because of the snow...I couldn't even bring myself to look out the window when we passed the college 'cos I was so disgusted with myself and I didn't want to have to repeat that same question to myself again....
Why couldn't I have gone there instead?
So...there you have it. I don't know what to do anymore.