(no subject)
Perhaps it was the moon last night or maybe it was because I realised that I am slowly regaining my life back in terms of independence...but whatever it was, I just feel....like myself again. I feel powerful again...whole again. I didn't have that for a long time, but I didn't realise that it was gone until I got it back again. I almost feel unstoppable. This is nice. This is what Pamela Daigle used to mean for me....and it's nice to mean that again.
I hate to keep dwelling on this, too, but I almost feel like that whole Ward thing was the first step for me. I was being brought down verbally by him and then I brought myself down to be accepted by him...only to hear that it wasn't going to work--the only way we could be friends is if I abandoned everything I stand for, everything I've worked for, everything I am...and re-shaped myself to be a person that fits into his mold of what a good person should be. In essence, too, that train of thought was me starting to already deteriorate. Now that I don't have to pretend...hell, I don't even have to THINK about pretending or gaining acceptance, I can just let go and be. That's what I was forgetting. What a huge thing to forget. Almost unbelievable to me. A strong woman wouldn't have thought that way in the first place. Sad how much I'm willing to sacrifice for someone SO undeserving.
Anyway, I've let all that go. I have a car now. I have a job. I'm getting out there and making new friends. I throw fabulous parties all the time! I feel like I'm branching out artistically...I sense a new phase. New phase for a new year. Again...what a fabulous way to start.
I feel like I have all of you to thank for staying by my side at my worst and at my best. I think, at least for right now, I have nowhere to go but up.
Peace,
Pam
I hate to keep dwelling on this, too, but I almost feel like that whole Ward thing was the first step for me. I was being brought down verbally by him and then I brought myself down to be accepted by him...only to hear that it wasn't going to work--the only way we could be friends is if I abandoned everything I stand for, everything I've worked for, everything I am...and re-shaped myself to be a person that fits into his mold of what a good person should be. In essence, too, that train of thought was me starting to already deteriorate. Now that I don't have to pretend...hell, I don't even have to THINK about pretending or gaining acceptance, I can just let go and be. That's what I was forgetting. What a huge thing to forget. Almost unbelievable to me. A strong woman wouldn't have thought that way in the first place. Sad how much I'm willing to sacrifice for someone SO undeserving.
Anyway, I've let all that go. I have a car now. I have a job. I'm getting out there and making new friends. I throw fabulous parties all the time! I feel like I'm branching out artistically...I sense a new phase. New phase for a new year. Again...what a fabulous way to start.
I feel like I have all of you to thank for staying by my side at my worst and at my best. I think, at least for right now, I have nowhere to go but up.
Peace,
Pam