These hands are too shaky to hold
I believe I have what they used to call "the blues." I blame Spring. I keep thinkin' about people that hurt me, people that disgust me, and people that I don't think I'll ever meet. I keep thinkin' about events that I'm worried will never come to pass...things I wanna do that can't be done. I want to be in places I'm not and I'm everywhere I never wanted to be. *sigh* This is not to say I'm unhappy in my life. I'm glad I'm in St. Paul, I'm glad about a lot of things, really. But it's not exactly where I need to be. So help me, I will make things pick up so my dreams can become a reality. I'm miserable. Just miserable.
Also...*plug your ears, shut your eyes*.....okay wait. Let me just say that, even though this is my own journal and I can pretty much say whatever the fuck I want, I just want to promise to anyone who reads this as well as myself that this WILL be the last time I make mention of this. *sigh* I'm sick of not finding a remotely good fit for myself...relationship-wise. ...and I was watching When Harry Met Sally tonight. She must have been 34...35 when they finally got married. My friend Karen got married when she was 20 years older than that. So I'm thinkin' to myself...that's gonna be me. I'm gonna be the sad, wrinkly sap at gatherings who is going to be constantly bombarded by the same question over and over again. Either, "Have you met someone yet?" or "When's it gonna be your turn?" Man...it's like 8th grade all over again. See, when I was in 8th grade, I had to start leaving dances during the slow songs otherwise I would start crying really hard. No one ever asked me to dance and lord knows I was too shy (and a bit of a prick back then, I must say...not that anything's changed, just more so). So there I'll be...in my mid-40s, if I even make it that long, and I'll be at the bar weeping because I'm so fucking depressed.
Here's what I really don't understand about all this. Why is the need to find someone else to share your life with so great? Why is it SO important that we constantly search for that other half? I wouldn't say I felt pressured to find a boyfriend/husband...more left out. I want what my parents have, I want what my brother and Kristin have...I want true, strong love with someone. But why do I want that so bad? It's really not necessary and it's not like I want to procreate or anything. Basically, love is biological (or so I'd like to believe...it's easier to digest that way). If I know I'm not mentally stable or prepared enough for children...nor do I believe I will ever be...then shouldn't love be one o' those feelings that you can just choose to ignore? A vestigial feeling? The reason you would ever need to find a mate, biologically is to procreate. I don't want to; therefore, I shouldn't be feeling this need. I mean...I love things. I love my parents, my family, my friends, etc. However, love that you give solely to another person falls in a completely different category. It shouldn't, but it does. Frankly, I've been trying to ignore it for over a year now and it's starting to eat away at me. I've never had a truly fulfilling relationship with a guy....or a boy (most of them don't deserve to be called "guys"). Maybe it's because I keep settling. I'm sick of settling. Settling for people that don't meet my standards. This..."take what you can get" bullshit. I'm not being fair to myself and, in the end, not fair to the other person 'cos there was really nothing there to begin with. It's all a lie. All a game...like a morphine drip used to numb the pain for a while. It wears off, though, you know...it wears off and it just starts all over again.
Frankly, I don't know what the hell I want or what I need. I have an idea right now, but I'm only 21. The guy I wanted to be with when I was in 8th grade is not the same guy I would like to be with now. I'm willing to bet that in 10 years, I will have changed my mind again.
You know what? I think accepting someone lower than the standards you've set for yourself is pretty much a huge blow to yourself. You know? It's not like you don't have a choice. All right...if you go to a liquor store and you have 6 bucks...and you really want some Red Stripe, you're kind of out of luck...so you have to settle for Hamm's...or something. But you know...you can always come back for that Red Stripe. But say you went in with 20 bucks. You're lookin' for some Red Stripe, but the Hamm's is cheaper and you get more. You don't like it, but you're gonna get it anyway 'cos then you can also get some cigarettes or...I don't know...a movie ticket. Well, that's me. I keep going into the liquor store and getting the goddamn Hamm's. I know the Red Stripe is there! I *know* it is. So what the hell is holding me back? Why do I have to keep buying cheap beer?! So I can go see a crappy movie afterwards? Fuck that! Start buying the Red Stripe! Sure it costs more, but dammit...life's too short to drink cheap beer! Oh don't worry. It's not like I'm getting all amped to go out and find a boyfriend. ...and sure, there might be little "tricks and tips" that work to getting someone into bed with you...but I don't want that. Sex is empty. Its function is procreation; therefore, I want nothing to do with it. ...and I don't care what you silly sods say about sex. Say it's fun, meaningful, great, feels good...say it's even a good workout. Well listen here. I like dancing, playing music, hanging out, taking hot showers, and walking...there you go. I have all my bases covered and with the exception of a hot shower, I didn't even have to take my pants off. There's always something you can say to get someone to sleep with you or even to have a stupid 4 month relationship that you can toss aside into your dirty pile of past failures. That's not what I want. I want something that makes me feel like a new and better person every day that I wake up. Thing is...they don't make 'em like they used to. Everyone's too selfish, too stupid, too arrogant, ignorant, useless. Everyone's a can of Hamm's.
You know the sad part? It still makes me feel empty. Even though I know all this stuff, even though I know there is a good handful of guys that would be perfect for me, I have a very good feeling that I won't meet one of them. They're too scared to talk to me and I'm far too tired of approaching them. It's not that I won't...I'm just sick of it always having to be me. Helena was right, you know. She said women are to be wooed. They aren't supposed to do that. Men are! You say take it into your own hands! If you want it so bad, then go for it. Well I would, but my hands are tired of holding onto something that never turns out right. If you have a broken hammer, are you gonna use that hammer again? No. You're going to get a new hammer. Well, my tactics are broken. I need new tactics. The "You come after me" approach. I think that would be one hell of a sign. If a guy has the balls to come up to me and make nicey-nice JUST to make nicey-nice...no ulterior motives...then I think there may be a connection. Some little voice in the back of my head keeps saying that I'm pretty much meant to be alone forever. Well then...I guess I'm doomed to have the blues for a lifetime.
...and aren't you lucky. You get to hear it all.
Also...*plug your ears, shut your eyes*.....okay wait. Let me just say that, even though this is my own journal and I can pretty much say whatever the fuck I want, I just want to promise to anyone who reads this as well as myself that this WILL be the last time I make mention of this. *sigh* I'm sick of not finding a remotely good fit for myself...relationship-wise. ...and I was watching When Harry Met Sally tonight. She must have been 34...35 when they finally got married. My friend Karen got married when she was 20 years older than that. So I'm thinkin' to myself...that's gonna be me. I'm gonna be the sad, wrinkly sap at gatherings who is going to be constantly bombarded by the same question over and over again. Either, "Have you met someone yet?" or "When's it gonna be your turn?" Man...it's like 8th grade all over again. See, when I was in 8th grade, I had to start leaving dances during the slow songs otherwise I would start crying really hard. No one ever asked me to dance and lord knows I was too shy (and a bit of a prick back then, I must say...not that anything's changed, just more so). So there I'll be...in my mid-40s, if I even make it that long, and I'll be at the bar weeping because I'm so fucking depressed.
Here's what I really don't understand about all this. Why is the need to find someone else to share your life with so great? Why is it SO important that we constantly search for that other half? I wouldn't say I felt pressured to find a boyfriend/husband...more left out. I want what my parents have, I want what my brother and Kristin have...I want true, strong love with someone. But why do I want that so bad? It's really not necessary and it's not like I want to procreate or anything. Basically, love is biological (or so I'd like to believe...it's easier to digest that way). If I know I'm not mentally stable or prepared enough for children...nor do I believe I will ever be...then shouldn't love be one o' those feelings that you can just choose to ignore? A vestigial feeling? The reason you would ever need to find a mate, biologically is to procreate. I don't want to; therefore, I shouldn't be feeling this need. I mean...I love things. I love my parents, my family, my friends, etc. However, love that you give solely to another person falls in a completely different category. It shouldn't, but it does. Frankly, I've been trying to ignore it for over a year now and it's starting to eat away at me. I've never had a truly fulfilling relationship with a guy....or a boy (most of them don't deserve to be called "guys"). Maybe it's because I keep settling. I'm sick of settling. Settling for people that don't meet my standards. This..."take what you can get" bullshit. I'm not being fair to myself and, in the end, not fair to the other person 'cos there was really nothing there to begin with. It's all a lie. All a game...like a morphine drip used to numb the pain for a while. It wears off, though, you know...it wears off and it just starts all over again.
Frankly, I don't know what the hell I want or what I need. I have an idea right now, but I'm only 21. The guy I wanted to be with when I was in 8th grade is not the same guy I would like to be with now. I'm willing to bet that in 10 years, I will have changed my mind again.
You know what? I think accepting someone lower than the standards you've set for yourself is pretty much a huge blow to yourself. You know? It's not like you don't have a choice. All right...if you go to a liquor store and you have 6 bucks...and you really want some Red Stripe, you're kind of out of luck...so you have to settle for Hamm's...or something. But you know...you can always come back for that Red Stripe. But say you went in with 20 bucks. You're lookin' for some Red Stripe, but the Hamm's is cheaper and you get more. You don't like it, but you're gonna get it anyway 'cos then you can also get some cigarettes or...I don't know...a movie ticket. Well, that's me. I keep going into the liquor store and getting the goddamn Hamm's. I know the Red Stripe is there! I *know* it is. So what the hell is holding me back? Why do I have to keep buying cheap beer?! So I can go see a crappy movie afterwards? Fuck that! Start buying the Red Stripe! Sure it costs more, but dammit...life's too short to drink cheap beer! Oh don't worry. It's not like I'm getting all amped to go out and find a boyfriend. ...and sure, there might be little "tricks and tips" that work to getting someone into bed with you...but I don't want that. Sex is empty. Its function is procreation; therefore, I want nothing to do with it. ...and I don't care what you silly sods say about sex. Say it's fun, meaningful, great, feels good...say it's even a good workout. Well listen here. I like dancing, playing music, hanging out, taking hot showers, and walking...there you go. I have all my bases covered and with the exception of a hot shower, I didn't even have to take my pants off. There's always something you can say to get someone to sleep with you or even to have a stupid 4 month relationship that you can toss aside into your dirty pile of past failures. That's not what I want. I want something that makes me feel like a new and better person every day that I wake up. Thing is...they don't make 'em like they used to. Everyone's too selfish, too stupid, too arrogant, ignorant, useless. Everyone's a can of Hamm's.
You know the sad part? It still makes me feel empty. Even though I know all this stuff, even though I know there is a good handful of guys that would be perfect for me, I have a very good feeling that I won't meet one of them. They're too scared to talk to me and I'm far too tired of approaching them. It's not that I won't...I'm just sick of it always having to be me. Helena was right, you know. She said women are to be wooed. They aren't supposed to do that. Men are! You say take it into your own hands! If you want it so bad, then go for it. Well I would, but my hands are tired of holding onto something that never turns out right. If you have a broken hammer, are you gonna use that hammer again? No. You're going to get a new hammer. Well, my tactics are broken. I need new tactics. The "You come after me" approach. I think that would be one hell of a sign. If a guy has the balls to come up to me and make nicey-nice JUST to make nicey-nice...no ulterior motives...then I think there may be a connection. Some little voice in the back of my head keeps saying that I'm pretty much meant to be alone forever. Well then...I guess I'm doomed to have the blues for a lifetime.
...and aren't you lucky. You get to hear it all.