Aug 02, 2005 15:06
Arg.
Well, I don't really have much to update on. Things are... going. Went to Chicago Fri/Sat w/ Amanda. Had a little bit of a problem getting there, but we made it (we had to stop in K-zoo to get her alternator changed). Spent time with her family and spent lots of money. Yay for Ikea.
Sunday went to the lake w/ Jenelle and her friend Jen. It was a good time, but I wasn't really in the best of moods so I just kinda kept to myself. I guess it's just hard being around people in relationships. It's not their fault at all, but sometimes I just become a huge introvert and don't talk.
Matt & Erika both got new jobs, so the three of us are taking a week to camp in Yellowstone. I wasnt supposed to be done w/ work until the 17th, but this trip came up and I didn't want to miss it... so my last day is now the 12th. Well, "last day". I am going to work thru the year, just on the weekends. It'll be drastically different than what it is now, but I am ready for the change.
Teaching starts in 3 weeks, I am nervous and excited all at the same time. I just want the first day to be over so I can stop wondering what my class is going to be like.
I am not dealing as well as I thought I would. I am usually good at looking at situations from the outside and making sense of it all, but I am really not handling this well. There are so many things I miss. And nothing can make this feeling go away. I know I have amazing friends and family, but the emptyness is not something they can make disappear. I am so confused. I feel like a lost little girl aimlessly walking on a road, with no destination and nothing in sight. It's a good thing I have my own office so I can sit here by myself and cry, which is something I have been doing almost everyday for the past week. I just have lots of questions, that probly will never be answered. I keep analyzing the whole relationship that used to be... and wondering where it all went wrong and why things are the way they are. Recently, I have started to question whether or not Jason really cared about me like he said he did. It's a horrible thing to question, but I hope it wasn't all just in the moment. I have been heartbroken before, but it's never been like this.
I guess I should probly get back to work... filing and organizing. Trying not to let my mind wander, which is really difficult in a mindless job like this.