Christmas
Well, I honestly do wish everyone a very Merry Christmas & Happy Channukah and hope they have a great holiday...me, I dunno.
I'm hoping the New Year will bring new things for me, cus this year has just progressively gotten worse for me over the course of this semester and it SUCKS cus I started off the year on such a good note.
Yesterday was a baaaaad day. I ended up working a half hour later than I had wanted to, hadn't eaten a single fucking thing all day (aside from some Doritos and cookies I occasionally munched on), I got gas and then my car died on the entrance ramp of the southern state.
I had to wait an hour for my dad & cousin's husband to come and get me. We make it an exit, we get pulled over, the little state trooper makes my dad get out of the car. "Great, my dad's gonna get arrested for DWI or something." Turns out she just thought we were leaving the scene of an accident (dumb bitch, we had just fucking spoken to another trooper as we were moving my car).
My dad misses the Wantagh (which I told him to take) and the Seaford-Oyster Bay (which he WANTED to take) so we ended up driving through Suffolk up to the Sagtikos/Sunken Meadow and then turning around to head back a little west on the Northern state to go to Aunt Nancy's in Wantagh.
And then upon further reflection of my shitty year....
I had wanted to actually do well in school this semester, but I fucked up. I failed two classes, dropped one and the other class I dunno how I did (I'm hoping I got like a C, but maybe my prof. was generous and gave me something in the B range). And it's all my fault, too.
I had something really nice going with my friend Danny over the end of the summer - and that's all I want (at least)...a friendship. But, I haven't heard from him...since August.
I have no money, am really in debt and I don't know how to budget.
I am just so stressed out - there just seems to be so much wrong right now that's getting me down and it's just so intimidating trying to tackle it all over the next few months. I honestly don't know how I'm gonna do it - I'm not ready for it. It all just seems so...grown-up. I'm not ready to be an adult...I'm certainly not taking the responsibilities and necessary actions to do things. I'm not ready to admit to my parents that I am a complete fuck-up (not to mention a fag...which really pisses me off cus it's obvious enough, they need to stop being so damned ignorant and just accept it, I have, but noooo, I actually am gonna have to spell it out). I'm not ready to buckle down and focus on school for a few months and get a Senior Thesis done. I'm not ready to get a job ON TOP OF SCHOOL and save and budget and pay off bills.
But I'm 22 years old now...I really just need to suck it the fuck up and deal with it. I'm just so scared to. Sarah's right - I'm the kind of person that needs to be the best or be nothing. If I can't get B+s/A-s (or better) I'd rather fail. If I can't have someone I want, then I don't want anyone. I don't like settling for average or middle-of-the-road.
So...let's hope 2006 brings better things for me...hopefully a new attitude and motivation and self-control.
I'm hoping the New Year will bring new things for me, cus this year has just progressively gotten worse for me over the course of this semester and it SUCKS cus I started off the year on such a good note.
Yesterday was a baaaaad day. I ended up working a half hour later than I had wanted to, hadn't eaten a single fucking thing all day (aside from some Doritos and cookies I occasionally munched on), I got gas and then my car died on the entrance ramp of the southern state.
I had to wait an hour for my dad & cousin's husband to come and get me. We make it an exit, we get pulled over, the little state trooper makes my dad get out of the car. "Great, my dad's gonna get arrested for DWI or something." Turns out she just thought we were leaving the scene of an accident (dumb bitch, we had just fucking spoken to another trooper as we were moving my car).
My dad misses the Wantagh (which I told him to take) and the Seaford-Oyster Bay (which he WANTED to take) so we ended up driving through Suffolk up to the Sagtikos/Sunken Meadow and then turning around to head back a little west on the Northern state to go to Aunt Nancy's in Wantagh.
And then upon further reflection of my shitty year....
I had wanted to actually do well in school this semester, but I fucked up. I failed two classes, dropped one and the other class I dunno how I did (I'm hoping I got like a C, but maybe my prof. was generous and gave me something in the B range). And it's all my fault, too.
I had something really nice going with my friend Danny over the end of the summer - and that's all I want (at least)...a friendship. But, I haven't heard from him...since August.
I have no money, am really in debt and I don't know how to budget.
I am just so stressed out - there just seems to be so much wrong right now that's getting me down and it's just so intimidating trying to tackle it all over the next few months. I honestly don't know how I'm gonna do it - I'm not ready for it. It all just seems so...grown-up. I'm not ready to be an adult...I'm certainly not taking the responsibilities and necessary actions to do things. I'm not ready to admit to my parents that I am a complete fuck-up (not to mention a fag...which really pisses me off cus it's obvious enough, they need to stop being so damned ignorant and just accept it, I have, but noooo, I actually am gonna have to spell it out). I'm not ready to buckle down and focus on school for a few months and get a Senior Thesis done. I'm not ready to get a job ON TOP OF SCHOOL and save and budget and pay off bills.
But I'm 22 years old now...I really just need to suck it the fuck up and deal with it. I'm just so scared to. Sarah's right - I'm the kind of person that needs to be the best or be nothing. If I can't get B+s/A-s (or better) I'd rather fail. If I can't have someone I want, then I don't want anyone. I don't like settling for average or middle-of-the-road.
So...let's hope 2006 brings better things for me...hopefully a new attitude and motivation and self-control.