(no subject)
Henry sighed, shoving his violin into its case with none of the usual care; just wanting to get home before the lights went down on the concert. He didn’t feel like sticking around for the usual after concert celebration. He just wanted to curl under his covers and let his bad mood morph into the hurt and anger that he hadn’t had to face in months. He’d loved being in China, for the mere reason that there he was a part of Super Junior M. A huge chunk of Super Junior M’s fans had never really known Super Junior without him and he, perhaps selfishly, loved that feeling. The feeling that he was Henry Lau of Super Junior M, not that unwanted 14th member that never was. Being in Korea fucking sucked to say the least.
Strapping his bow in and throwing the lid closed, he secured the case while trying to shuck his jacket on at the same time. Zhou Mi was in the bathroom and the real members of Super Junior were on stage so he could make his getaway easily if only he did it quickly. The opening beats for ‘Gee’ echoed from over head and he quickened his pace. Not all the members were in ‘Gee’.
‘Henry!’ Shindong’s jovial voice called down the hall, all grins and happy to see him. Henry almost felt bad for picking up the pace and moving away from the comedian faster, ‘Yah! Henry,’ He wrenched the side door open, feeling the sweet cool summer breeze on his face before colliding with a hard body. A large hand curled around his shoulder, preventing him from falling backwards. Hankyung stared hard at Henry’s stormy expression. After a moment he glanced down the hall, where Shindong stood frowning in confusion. Henry took his opportunity to shove past the older Chinese man while he was distracted. Hankyung’s fast reflexes didn’t fail him though and he seized Henry by the wrist jerking him back so they were face to face. His expression was stern, cast half in darkness, lips set.
‘We’ll talk about it later. I’m coming over after the concert’s finished,’ The Chinese sounded almost alien after weeks of listening to everyone babble at him in Korean. Henry gave a resentful nod, not feeling up to playing the respectful ‘dongsaeng’, and started the long trek around the stadium to the main road where he could flag a taxi.
His mood worsened when the taxi driver spent the whole ride home babbling in Korean with a heavy country accent. Henry didn’t catch most of what he was saying, but the driver was obviously talking about Super Junior and the Concert. It just served to remind him of the hell he’d just escaped. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see the sparse few signs. When he tried to block out the driver’s chattering, he could hear the faint whisper of that much hated chant. It seemed as if he’d never escape the chanting.
Throwing the door to their tiny apartment open he threw his violin down on the couch, too tired to care that he’d regret it in the morning. Stripping off his concert outfit, he pulled on a baggy white t-shirt and some boxers and made a nest for himself on his bed. Cocooned amongst the blankets and pillows he felt the tears rising to his eyes, but violently suppressed him. He knew Hankyung and he knew that the elder would be there in a few hours. Henry had experience with crying; his face would become blotchy and red and his eyes would swell and it would take hours to go down. Explaining away his bad mood was going to be hard enough, he didn’t want to have to explain why he was crying.
Henry didn’t care enough to wait up for Hankyung…
He jerked awake abruptly when the light in his room flicked on. He glanced around blearily, catching sight of the time on his bed side table; 2:04. Standing in the doorway, Heechul leaned against the frame, looking entirely too awake and entirely too unimpressed. Henry took a moment to wonder how he’d gotten in, and was answered when Zhou Mi walked past, closing his bedroom door behind him with a snick.
Heechul stood in the doorway, watching him with dark eyes. Henry, just awoken and still feeling like shit, didn’t bother greeting him like the filial dongsaeng.
‘Where’s Gege?’ Heechul sighed and moved into the room, closing the door behind him softly. He settled on the bed with his back against the wall, half on top of Henry’s legs under the covers. He answered after a long moment.
‘He got called away. Something to do with Super Junior M, I dunno… He was worried about you though. So...’ He paused, large black eyes piercing and lacking the usual mischievous gleam that usually lurked there, ‘Here I am,’ Henry avoided his eyes, allowing his lips to twist into a grimace. He didn’t feel like talking about his feelings. That’s all he’d ever done the first few months. Talked with his family, the managers and the trainers and the producers and the members and he was sick to death of hearing the same shit: ‘It’ll get better,’ ‘It’s nothing personal,’ ‘Ignore them,’.
Heechul didn’t say anything more though, just watched him quietly and traced patterns on the covers draped over his knee. And like that, tears welled up in Henry’s eyes. They weren’t out of sadness this time. This time he was frustrated. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he trained it was never good enough.
‘It’s so humiliating,’ Henry’s hands curled into fists and he squeezed his eyes shut, the memory of the hot shame coursing through him as all he could do was concentrate on playing, ‘standing on stage, pouring your heart into playing or dancing or singing. And no matter how hard you dance, how clear you sing, it falls on deaf ears. They don’t even bother to listen and it just; it makes me so fucking angry!’ Henry punched the covers a few times, all the while feeling Heechul’s eyes on him, intense. He sighed, blinking watering eyes.
‘Sometimes, when I’m on stage all I can feel is humiliated and hurt. Times like that I feel like one of those girls could come at me with a knife and I wouldn’t move...maybe then they’d finally be happy,’
There was silence for a moment before a blow took him by surprise, a sharp well aimed smack to the side of his head. His head jerked upwards looking at Heechul in shock, who looked angrier than Henry had ever seen him. Instead of yelling like he usually would though he took Henry by the wrist and pulled so they were face to face.
‘Maybe those girls are right, maybe you don’t deserve to be in Super Junior. I can understand being hurt by the way some of them are treating you, but fuck ‘em. Saying shit like that totally undermines the thousands of people who do support you. Can you imagine where the rest of us would be left if you were to do something as stupid as that,’ Heechul spoke in a low murmur, which was somehow scarier than his usual yelling, ‘If you’re so miserable you can’t see anything good about living, then maybe you should try thinking about Hankyung or Ryeowook who spend half their time worrying about you, or Kibum who actually enjoys having someone to speak to in English, or Donghae who thinks of you as his little brother!’
Henry felt all his resentment bleeding out and he was left feeling only tired. Something in his fast must have changed because Heechul let his wrist drop to the covers, instead twining his long fingers through Henry’s and staring at the connected hands intently.
‘One of the things you need to learn before you become truly successful is to be thankful; thankful to every single person who buys your music. Everyone who’s ever watched you on TV or come to a fan sign event or sent you a present or fan letter deserves the full extent of your gratitude. Because without them, you’d be stuck working behind a desk, or as a waiter or something equally as boring,’ Heechul’s eyes were earnest and serious as he caught Henry’s. ‘And you need to be thankful even to the anti’s. Any fan is a good fan. The anti’s usually generate enough shit to gain you more attention. They’re kind of stupid really,’ Heechul grinned, ‘The more shit they stir, the more attention we get. They’re helping you out when you think about it,’ Henry felt a reluctant smile lifting his lips. Heechul grinned at him, tapping him on the nose gently.
‘Sorry. Guess I got used to people treating me like a star. Coming back here and hearing the chanting again brought it all back,’ Henry bit his lip, feeling both silly and guilty. Heechul smirked his trademark dirty smile.
‘You are a star…Get some sleep boy-o. You got another 2 concerts ahead of you,’ Heechul tucked the blanket around him and pressed a kiss to his forehead, and even though it felt weird coming from a guy he usually saw as a close friend, it sent a thrill of warmth up his spine and reminded him of home.
Heechul flicked the light off and was silhouetted in the doorway.
‘No matter what anyone says, you’re a part of Super Junior. You’re one of us,’ Henry smiled at the older male as he closed the door gently. The door jerked open a second later.
‘And if any of this gets back to Kangin, I’ll kill you. He’d call me a sop and give me crap about it for weeks!’
Strapping his bow in and throwing the lid closed, he secured the case while trying to shuck his jacket on at the same time. Zhou Mi was in the bathroom and the real members of Super Junior were on stage so he could make his getaway easily if only he did it quickly. The opening beats for ‘Gee’ echoed from over head and he quickened his pace. Not all the members were in ‘Gee’.
‘Henry!’ Shindong’s jovial voice called down the hall, all grins and happy to see him. Henry almost felt bad for picking up the pace and moving away from the comedian faster, ‘Yah! Henry,’ He wrenched the side door open, feeling the sweet cool summer breeze on his face before colliding with a hard body. A large hand curled around his shoulder, preventing him from falling backwards. Hankyung stared hard at Henry’s stormy expression. After a moment he glanced down the hall, where Shindong stood frowning in confusion. Henry took his opportunity to shove past the older Chinese man while he was distracted. Hankyung’s fast reflexes didn’t fail him though and he seized Henry by the wrist jerking him back so they were face to face. His expression was stern, cast half in darkness, lips set.
‘We’ll talk about it later. I’m coming over after the concert’s finished,’ The Chinese sounded almost alien after weeks of listening to everyone babble at him in Korean. Henry gave a resentful nod, not feeling up to playing the respectful ‘dongsaeng’, and started the long trek around the stadium to the main road where he could flag a taxi.
His mood worsened when the taxi driver spent the whole ride home babbling in Korean with a heavy country accent. Henry didn’t catch most of what he was saying, but the driver was obviously talking about Super Junior and the Concert. It just served to remind him of the hell he’d just escaped. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see the sparse few signs. When he tried to block out the driver’s chattering, he could hear the faint whisper of that much hated chant. It seemed as if he’d never escape the chanting.
Throwing the door to their tiny apartment open he threw his violin down on the couch, too tired to care that he’d regret it in the morning. Stripping off his concert outfit, he pulled on a baggy white t-shirt and some boxers and made a nest for himself on his bed. Cocooned amongst the blankets and pillows he felt the tears rising to his eyes, but violently suppressed him. He knew Hankyung and he knew that the elder would be there in a few hours. Henry had experience with crying; his face would become blotchy and red and his eyes would swell and it would take hours to go down. Explaining away his bad mood was going to be hard enough, he didn’t want to have to explain why he was crying.
Henry didn’t care enough to wait up for Hankyung…
He jerked awake abruptly when the light in his room flicked on. He glanced around blearily, catching sight of the time on his bed side table; 2:04. Standing in the doorway, Heechul leaned against the frame, looking entirely too awake and entirely too unimpressed. Henry took a moment to wonder how he’d gotten in, and was answered when Zhou Mi walked past, closing his bedroom door behind him with a snick.
Heechul stood in the doorway, watching him with dark eyes. Henry, just awoken and still feeling like shit, didn’t bother greeting him like the filial dongsaeng.
‘Where’s Gege?’ Heechul sighed and moved into the room, closing the door behind him softly. He settled on the bed with his back against the wall, half on top of Henry’s legs under the covers. He answered after a long moment.
‘He got called away. Something to do with Super Junior M, I dunno… He was worried about you though. So...’ He paused, large black eyes piercing and lacking the usual mischievous gleam that usually lurked there, ‘Here I am,’ Henry avoided his eyes, allowing his lips to twist into a grimace. He didn’t feel like talking about his feelings. That’s all he’d ever done the first few months. Talked with his family, the managers and the trainers and the producers and the members and he was sick to death of hearing the same shit: ‘It’ll get better,’ ‘It’s nothing personal,’ ‘Ignore them,’.
Heechul didn’t say anything more though, just watched him quietly and traced patterns on the covers draped over his knee. And like that, tears welled up in Henry’s eyes. They weren’t out of sadness this time. This time he was frustrated. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he trained it was never good enough.
‘It’s so humiliating,’ Henry’s hands curled into fists and he squeezed his eyes shut, the memory of the hot shame coursing through him as all he could do was concentrate on playing, ‘standing on stage, pouring your heart into playing or dancing or singing. And no matter how hard you dance, how clear you sing, it falls on deaf ears. They don’t even bother to listen and it just; it makes me so fucking angry!’ Henry punched the covers a few times, all the while feeling Heechul’s eyes on him, intense. He sighed, blinking watering eyes.
‘Sometimes, when I’m on stage all I can feel is humiliated and hurt. Times like that I feel like one of those girls could come at me with a knife and I wouldn’t move...maybe then they’d finally be happy,’
There was silence for a moment before a blow took him by surprise, a sharp well aimed smack to the side of his head. His head jerked upwards looking at Heechul in shock, who looked angrier than Henry had ever seen him. Instead of yelling like he usually would though he took Henry by the wrist and pulled so they were face to face.
‘Maybe those girls are right, maybe you don’t deserve to be in Super Junior. I can understand being hurt by the way some of them are treating you, but fuck ‘em. Saying shit like that totally undermines the thousands of people who do support you. Can you imagine where the rest of us would be left if you were to do something as stupid as that,’ Heechul spoke in a low murmur, which was somehow scarier than his usual yelling, ‘If you’re so miserable you can’t see anything good about living, then maybe you should try thinking about Hankyung or Ryeowook who spend half their time worrying about you, or Kibum who actually enjoys having someone to speak to in English, or Donghae who thinks of you as his little brother!’
Henry felt all his resentment bleeding out and he was left feeling only tired. Something in his fast must have changed because Heechul let his wrist drop to the covers, instead twining his long fingers through Henry’s and staring at the connected hands intently.
‘One of the things you need to learn before you become truly successful is to be thankful; thankful to every single person who buys your music. Everyone who’s ever watched you on TV or come to a fan sign event or sent you a present or fan letter deserves the full extent of your gratitude. Because without them, you’d be stuck working behind a desk, or as a waiter or something equally as boring,’ Heechul’s eyes were earnest and serious as he caught Henry’s. ‘And you need to be thankful even to the anti’s. Any fan is a good fan. The anti’s usually generate enough shit to gain you more attention. They’re kind of stupid really,’ Heechul grinned, ‘The more shit they stir, the more attention we get. They’re helping you out when you think about it,’ Henry felt a reluctant smile lifting his lips. Heechul grinned at him, tapping him on the nose gently.
‘Sorry. Guess I got used to people treating me like a star. Coming back here and hearing the chanting again brought it all back,’ Henry bit his lip, feeling both silly and guilty. Heechul smirked his trademark dirty smile.
‘You are a star…Get some sleep boy-o. You got another 2 concerts ahead of you,’ Heechul tucked the blanket around him and pressed a kiss to his forehead, and even though it felt weird coming from a guy he usually saw as a close friend, it sent a thrill of warmth up his spine and reminded him of home.
Heechul flicked the light off and was silhouetted in the doorway.
‘No matter what anyone says, you’re a part of Super Junior. You’re one of us,’ Henry smiled at the older male as he closed the door gently. The door jerked open a second later.
‘And if any of this gets back to Kangin, I’ll kill you. He’d call me a sop and give me crap about it for weeks!’