hokay...so here we go...
Idk when the last time I used this thing...it's been a LONG while. I've been over the whole blogging thing sing FB took over my life. The reason I feel a need to write in here is pretty dumb, and rather pointless other than for me to verbalize some things that will otherwise probably never get the chance.
As only Keira knows, I've had some pretty dumb feelings for a guy named Nathan...who happens to be gay... This almost never happens to me, and the Trent thing doesn't count. I liked him long before I knew he was gay of course, and once I found out, I figured the feelings would go away...no such luck my friend... in fact, the feelings have gotten exponentially worse since then, and it seems to be overtaking all the free-thinking time I have. I shouldn't have these feelings, and I've been wrestling with whether or not to tell him or not so I thought I might write him a letter on here and then decide whether to send it or not. Either way, I think I just need to write to him... maybe it'll get me over this bullshit.
So here goes...
Dear Nathan,
Hello. It is currently 4:30 in the morning and I am writing to you b/c I couldn't sleep...I was thinking about you, so I felt a need to write you. Not totally sure what I want to say, but I thought the gesture couldn't hurt. So you remember how I told you I liked you when I first met you? I didn't happen to mention that I never stopped... Now, when I first met you, it was only in passing and it was just an "aaw he's cute" kind of crush. That crush just kind of festered through the course of the class we had together and I just always noticed you even though you didn't notice me. Then when you came over to Katie's that night with Richard and we all hung out and played apples to apples, we kind of hit it off and that's when I found out you were gay. Sad day. There was nothing I could do, so i just figured it would go away, and it never did...it only got worse.
So what is a girl to do in this situation? So far I've settled for just dealing with it, but everyday I have to live with loving you and having absolutely no outlet for it. You know something even more stupid? I know if you were (hypothetically) straight/bi we most likely wouldn't have a serious, long lasting relationship... I graduate in a year and then I'll probably be off to grad school in 2, and then when you graduate you'll be off to do amazing things with yourself b/c you are. So, you might ask, how can I still have these feelings? I'd like to know the same thing.
So I guess i'm writing this to tell you how I feel. I have feelings for you, and at times they're rather strong... and I really don't know what to do about it. Am I asking you for help? i don't think you can help. Should I even be telling you this? probably not. I REALLY don't want to make our friendship weird....I love our friendship; you are such an amazing person in every way and I couldn't bare to have these stupid-ass feelings do anything to alienate you or make you feel awkward. I know I said I never want to date again and that I'm over relationships...and I am... but I still want to be with you...only you...weird, huh?
I've been dating for a long time. I've dated a fair amount of guys and had "issues" with even more. I'm supposed to be over all of this bullshit, and yet, I've felt like I'm back in high school lately. When we're sitting on the couch and you sit close to me, I get all fluttery, and when you poke me and touch me for no reason and you say I look nice...and you look me in the eyes and smile... I just feel special, and all girls like to feel special. Especially me. I guess since I have had a lot of guy experience, I'm just so burnt out on worrying about who I'm going to marry and all the rollercoaster relationship crap. I feel like, with you, that wouldn't happen. Idk...I'm kinda crazy, so it might.
Well, here's your favorite part...the ego boost paragraph. When I tell you I love you, I really mean it. I don't know if you realize how mature and real of a person you are...it kind of blows my mind on a daily basis. I greatly admire you for having your values/morals and future plans set so early in college, and you're very determined to stick to them...that's a really rare thing for a lot of people. You're so dedicated to your music, and you're such a talented musician that you will go far...really far, and I hope I get to be there to see it. I don't think I'm like, "in love" with you...I just love you and care about you a LOT, and I kind of always want to be around you.
So, I suppose the conclusion of this bullshit is that I love you, and I'm not sorry. I've been wrestling with whether or not to tell you, assuming you don't already know...I just figured that this was the best medium by which to do so so that I can really tell you what's up instead of chickening out in the middle. I really don't know what to do. My head knows there's not chance in the world, but the rest of me just doesn't care....everything else wants you and won't get over it. So this is my confession letter that hopefully doesn't scare the crap out of you. Good luck.
Love,
Kaitlin
And there it is...
As only Keira knows, I've had some pretty dumb feelings for a guy named Nathan...who happens to be gay... This almost never happens to me, and the Trent thing doesn't count. I liked him long before I knew he was gay of course, and once I found out, I figured the feelings would go away...no such luck my friend... in fact, the feelings have gotten exponentially worse since then, and it seems to be overtaking all the free-thinking time I have. I shouldn't have these feelings, and I've been wrestling with whether or not to tell him or not so I thought I might write him a letter on here and then decide whether to send it or not. Either way, I think I just need to write to him... maybe it'll get me over this bullshit.
So here goes...
Dear Nathan,
Hello. It is currently 4:30 in the morning and I am writing to you b/c I couldn't sleep...I was thinking about you, so I felt a need to write you. Not totally sure what I want to say, but I thought the gesture couldn't hurt. So you remember how I told you I liked you when I first met you? I didn't happen to mention that I never stopped... Now, when I first met you, it was only in passing and it was just an "aaw he's cute" kind of crush. That crush just kind of festered through the course of the class we had together and I just always noticed you even though you didn't notice me. Then when you came over to Katie's that night with Richard and we all hung out and played apples to apples, we kind of hit it off and that's when I found out you were gay. Sad day. There was nothing I could do, so i just figured it would go away, and it never did...it only got worse.
So what is a girl to do in this situation? So far I've settled for just dealing with it, but everyday I have to live with loving you and having absolutely no outlet for it. You know something even more stupid? I know if you were (hypothetically) straight/bi we most likely wouldn't have a serious, long lasting relationship... I graduate in a year and then I'll probably be off to grad school in 2, and then when you graduate you'll be off to do amazing things with yourself b/c you are. So, you might ask, how can I still have these feelings? I'd like to know the same thing.
So I guess i'm writing this to tell you how I feel. I have feelings for you, and at times they're rather strong... and I really don't know what to do about it. Am I asking you for help? i don't think you can help. Should I even be telling you this? probably not. I REALLY don't want to make our friendship weird....I love our friendship; you are such an amazing person in every way and I couldn't bare to have these stupid-ass feelings do anything to alienate you or make you feel awkward. I know I said I never want to date again and that I'm over relationships...and I am... but I still want to be with you...only you...weird, huh?
I've been dating for a long time. I've dated a fair amount of guys and had "issues" with even more. I'm supposed to be over all of this bullshit, and yet, I've felt like I'm back in high school lately. When we're sitting on the couch and you sit close to me, I get all fluttery, and when you poke me and touch me for no reason and you say I look nice...and you look me in the eyes and smile... I just feel special, and all girls like to feel special. Especially me. I guess since I have had a lot of guy experience, I'm just so burnt out on worrying about who I'm going to marry and all the rollercoaster relationship crap. I feel like, with you, that wouldn't happen. Idk...I'm kinda crazy, so it might.
Well, here's your favorite part...the ego boost paragraph. When I tell you I love you, I really mean it. I don't know if you realize how mature and real of a person you are...it kind of blows my mind on a daily basis. I greatly admire you for having your values/morals and future plans set so early in college, and you're very determined to stick to them...that's a really rare thing for a lot of people. You're so dedicated to your music, and you're such a talented musician that you will go far...really far, and I hope I get to be there to see it. I don't think I'm like, "in love" with you...I just love you and care about you a LOT, and I kind of always want to be around you.
So, I suppose the conclusion of this bullshit is that I love you, and I'm not sorry. I've been wrestling with whether or not to tell you, assuming you don't already know...I just figured that this was the best medium by which to do so so that I can really tell you what's up instead of chickening out in the middle. I really don't know what to do. My head knows there's not chance in the world, but the rest of me just doesn't care....everything else wants you and won't get over it. So this is my confession letter that hopefully doesn't scare the crap out of you. Good luck.
Love,
Kaitlin
And there it is...