(no subject)
Not much new is happening - just the good old angst that's making me sound like a BNF on crack. I am agonizing over the SGA premiere - I wanna watch it, but I somehow don't want to watch it, too. Maybe I'm afraid of the writers going nuts midseason and writing John/Teyla and totally ruining SGA for me. Maybe I am in too deep. Maybe I should drop out of the fandom completely since I can't really get into it in the first place. Maybe "the thrill is gone", as Mulder once said. I keep agonizing over making this journal paid whenever I actually have five dollars - right now I barely have money to buy food for the next three weeks, much less then pay for LJ - should I make it paid when no one seems to read it? Shouldn't I? How can I make fandom fun again? How can I stop myself from crying over the fact that I couldn't get an LJ comm off the ground when someone else did and considering leaving that fandom over that little thing? I wish I knew. On Firefly, Simon once said in a different context, "So this is what going mad feels like." And I think this is what it is, going mad; watching yourself from the side when you turn into a whiny, teary mess who annoys everyone including herself. I just can't find it in me to love myself, because I disgust myself. I was never a particularly happy person, but now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.