ARRGGHH. - another "FINE, what the fuck ever" post... >:(
You ever get so mad you're shaking?
(Yeah, me too.)
It doesn't happen a LOT for me, but... when you have someone that starts consistently making you THAT upset.... on top of all your other shit you've got to be upset about... and it's the one person who's supposed to make things BETTER not WORSE...
Well you're kind of left fucking shaking your head and wanting to kick them in the balls.
At least, that's what *I* am left feeling.
:: shakes head ::
I don't even know what to do or say anymore. Things are good, I tell myself. Things are better or they're at least not terrible. And then I realise just how much shit is still going on and how much crap we still have to deal with.
A couple weeks ago when I hurt my back "hubby" promised me that when he got paid HE would buy us a tree (and Christmas tree stand), so to go ahead and use MY money, that I had specifically put aside for a tree & stand, to use it on my doctor's visits and meds instead. So I went ahead and did that (I should add here, that I COULD have asked my dr to let me pay next visit instead, so I could have kept the money - my dr is always ok with me doing that - but because "hubby" said go ahead and spend the money I did). And then he got paid and he said, "OH... um..... it turns out I got paid over 200$ LESS than what I was expecting"... which left us 8$ to live for the next 3 weeks on. 8$ to go for: gas, my next doctor's appointment, the rest of my meds, a tree, a stand, and the presents he was going to get for both kids plus his parents plus me plus his brothers (I don't care that much about my own damn present, I can just buy whatever the fuck I want myself you know? And I most times would prefer that anyways, so I know that I'm getting what I exactly want.... the problem is though that he had told me he was going to be able to cover the presents for EVERY one else... and he can't... and the tree... which I've cried a lot over at this point and every time it hits me and I cry again I just feel more and more stupid). And worse, he won't even bring it up to his payroll people at his work to find out WHY he got paid so much less than what he was expecting, especially because he was supposed to have overtime time $ on his pay check and he didn't. He said, it doesn't matter if he asks or not because either way they wouldn't be able to FIX it until his next pay cycle, but I told him, at least you'd KNOW then what the fuck happened. You know? As it is now we're just completely broke and totally fucked. AND I won't get a tree this year, which I was really, really looking forward to. :`( AND we can't get the helium tank we've been needing to get for the kids since *LAST YEAR*, to go with their "big" present from last year, the R/C flying fish. :(
Now, I had been planning to transfer the money I got as a refund from a game that went belly-up, into his account; but it turned out I can't do that, as MY name is on my PayPal and it's HIS name on HIS bank account so, I told him I was just going to use it to get the kids presents from sock-dreams & Etsy. He said OK. I thought that meant OK. Because, you know, he SAID "OKAY" about it. He said it was "FINE." So I did. I used the money I got from a refund (MY money, from MY game, which as it happens I LITERALLY cried for WEEKS about it closing, when I found out, it was THAT special to me.... but anyways I digress...) ~ I went and bought the kids a few pairs of nice high-quality & special socks each, plus I got my daughter a pair of hand-knit mittens in her favourite colour with flowers embroidered on them. And then the next day I was telling "hubby" what I had done and he got PISSED. .. he said, "I didn't know you were going to do that, I can't BELIEVE you spent ALL that money.. that it's just GONE".. I said, I TOLD You, I already TOLD you what I was planning to do, and it's not like I could have given you the money anyway, there was NO way for me to transfer the funds into your account.. we've been OVER this already and more than once!! :( So I apologised profusely because he was just so incredibly upset, and I even offered to contact the company(ies) that I bought the kids' extra presents from, and ask them to cancel my order and send me a refund... and he was vehement he didn't want to do that, but still really upset that I had spent the money. (Again: MY money. From MY game.)
So then. To-day. First my daughter got terribly sad, right before we were about to play Fluxx - she was thinking about my dad, and she wanted to talk with "hubby" about planning a trip to go see him (my dad) - so I called "hubby" at work (on his personal cell phone mind you! I don't EVER call on his work phones, for what it's worth) and asked if he could talk with her. He did. So then a little bit later I found a rash on my son's back so I dealt with that and then called "hubby" at work just to let him know about what had happened, it was another short call, just a couple minutes long. And then we ran out of toilet paper so I called him one last time, just to let him know to pick some up on the way home. And all of a sudden he snapped and started yelling at me, "YOU need to know, you don't EVER call me FIVE TIMES at work, NOT EVER ok? Do you understand me???" Yell yell yell and I was like, thinking you know, FUCK. YOU. you FUCKING. PIECE. of. ASSHOLE. I don't even fucking CARE anymore. FUCK YOU. Next time I run out of fucking toilet paper in the middle of the evening I'll just fucking use it all up and not bother to tell you, and let you have to go BACK out after you get home for the night and get your own damn self toilet paper.
It just was like, the straw that broke the camels back (to be totally cliche). I'm so sick of him being .. well.. like he's been being. I'm tired of fighting with him and I'm tired of all the shit, I'm tired of him not ever making love with me or when he does, not bothering to pleasure me but just doing his own thing for his own damn self. I know it shouldn't bother me SO incredibly much but it does, you'd think someone you're supposedly "married" to would take a few extra minutes to warm up their "married person" partner person but no. :: shakes head :: And that's when he ever actually makes love to me.. I'm not counting the MONTHS he spends not even looking at me like that.. not kissing me goodbye in the mornings or goodnight at bedtime... not rubbing my back or scratching my head to help me get to sleep... all the times he pushes me away when I try to snuggle him at night (literally, grabs me and moves me away from himself, or just shoves me hard toward the other side of the bed)... OH and all the times he picks on me.... like for not cleaning (can't fucking clean thanks to all my health problems, especially my recent back injury)... staying up too late reading with the light on.. sometimes, for NOT staying up late enough because HE wants to read........ wanting to get lots of things at the grocery store.. not getting ENOUGH at the grocery store... for walking too slowly up the stairs.. for the fact that he feels like I draw too much attention to him while we're out, because I'm so slow and limpy... for wearing too much makeup.. for not spending *enough* time showering / bathing / grooming myself.... for wearing socks that are too gaudy... for not wearing socks (and thus getting smelly feet).... for wearing an outfit that's too "dressy"... for wearing jeans that are too ripped /stained (hey they're comfortable :P )...... for going to too many doctor's appointments... for not doing more to stay on top of my own health... spending too much time online chatting with friends and taking care of my ponies... not spending enough time writing.. making too much noise when I stay up writing & am typing in the middle of the night........ just Jesus H Fucking Christ, it's just so much fucking shit, he picks on me all the fucking time these days, for all the same shit too, not just one thing but ALL the things, ALL the time.. if I'm not doing 1 thing I'm doing another things.. it feels like it doesn't even matter what I do, because it's going to be wrong, no matter what it is... :: cries ::
I'm just.. so... so very worn out. So very tired of all his shit. So tired of feeling like I HAVE to stay with him, because he's the only reason I have health insurance right now, and a place to live. And when he's not being crappy he's a great guy. But (do I really have to add this????)---If someone does so much crap that you have to clarify what they're like when they're NOT being crappy, that's just .. well.. crap. And I for one am so, so, fucking, sick, of his shit.
:'(
blargh. *sigh* Rant over I guess...
He's a good man... it's just.. stress is doing shit to us... and like... there's stress and.. fights and stuff... and.......
the truth is I don't even fucking know if he's still a good person. But it doesn't feel like it anymore. I'm so sick of his shit. :'(
(If you've read THIS far, thank you ... :: hands out cookies to anyone still reading :: ... :: passes around hot cocoa :: .... )
*EDIT* --- Well, "hubby" just got home, and the very first thing he did, was to apologise for all the crap... he wrapped me up in a huge hug, and we talked things out, and he said, he is so very sorry for making me feel so sad and upset and stressed out, and sorry for just everything, and we had a good talk... and yes... he's still a good person..... and I do love him, very sincerely, and overall he's wonderful. So yeah. Things are ok now. :/ I feel kind of bad for getting SO angry and ranting so much. Things are better now...
(Yeah, me too.)
It doesn't happen a LOT for me, but... when you have someone that starts consistently making you THAT upset.... on top of all your other shit you've got to be upset about... and it's the one person who's supposed to make things BETTER not WORSE...
Well you're kind of left fucking shaking your head and wanting to kick them in the balls.
At least, that's what *I* am left feeling.
:: shakes head ::
I don't even know what to do or say anymore. Things are good, I tell myself. Things are better or they're at least not terrible. And then I realise just how much shit is still going on and how much crap we still have to deal with.
A couple weeks ago when I hurt my back "hubby" promised me that when he got paid HE would buy us a tree (and Christmas tree stand), so to go ahead and use MY money, that I had specifically put aside for a tree & stand, to use it on my doctor's visits and meds instead. So I went ahead and did that (I should add here, that I COULD have asked my dr to let me pay next visit instead, so I could have kept the money - my dr is always ok with me doing that - but because "hubby" said go ahead and spend the money I did). And then he got paid and he said, "OH... um..... it turns out I got paid over 200$ LESS than what I was expecting"... which left us 8$ to live for the next 3 weeks on. 8$ to go for: gas, my next doctor's appointment, the rest of my meds, a tree, a stand, and the presents he was going to get for both kids plus his parents plus me plus his brothers (I don't care that much about my own damn present, I can just buy whatever the fuck I want myself you know? And I most times would prefer that anyways, so I know that I'm getting what I exactly want.... the problem is though that he had told me he was going to be able to cover the presents for EVERY one else... and he can't... and the tree... which I've cried a lot over at this point and every time it hits me and I cry again I just feel more and more stupid). And worse, he won't even bring it up to his payroll people at his work to find out WHY he got paid so much less than what he was expecting, especially because he was supposed to have overtime time $ on his pay check and he didn't. He said, it doesn't matter if he asks or not because either way they wouldn't be able to FIX it until his next pay cycle, but I told him, at least you'd KNOW then what the fuck happened. You know? As it is now we're just completely broke and totally fucked. AND I won't get a tree this year, which I was really, really looking forward to. :`( AND we can't get the helium tank we've been needing to get for the kids since *LAST YEAR*, to go with their "big" present from last year, the R/C flying fish. :(
Now, I had been planning to transfer the money I got as a refund from a game that went belly-up, into his account; but it turned out I can't do that, as MY name is on my PayPal and it's HIS name on HIS bank account so, I told him I was just going to use it to get the kids presents from sock-dreams & Etsy. He said OK. I thought that meant OK. Because, you know, he SAID "OKAY" about it. He said it was "FINE." So I did. I used the money I got from a refund (MY money, from MY game, which as it happens I LITERALLY cried for WEEKS about it closing, when I found out, it was THAT special to me.... but anyways I digress...) ~ I went and bought the kids a few pairs of nice high-quality & special socks each, plus I got my daughter a pair of hand-knit mittens in her favourite colour with flowers embroidered on them. And then the next day I was telling "hubby" what I had done and he got PISSED. .. he said, "I didn't know you were going to do that, I can't BELIEVE you spent ALL that money.. that it's just GONE".. I said, I TOLD You, I already TOLD you what I was planning to do, and it's not like I could have given you the money anyway, there was NO way for me to transfer the funds into your account.. we've been OVER this already and more than once!! :( So I apologised profusely because he was just so incredibly upset, and I even offered to contact the company(ies) that I bought the kids' extra presents from, and ask them to cancel my order and send me a refund... and he was vehement he didn't want to do that, but still really upset that I had spent the money. (Again: MY money. From MY game.)
So then. To-day. First my daughter got terribly sad, right before we were about to play Fluxx - she was thinking about my dad, and she wanted to talk with "hubby" about planning a trip to go see him (my dad) - so I called "hubby" at work (on his personal cell phone mind you! I don't EVER call on his work phones, for what it's worth) and asked if he could talk with her. He did. So then a little bit later I found a rash on my son's back so I dealt with that and then called "hubby" at work just to let him know about what had happened, it was another short call, just a couple minutes long. And then we ran out of toilet paper so I called him one last time, just to let him know to pick some up on the way home. And all of a sudden he snapped and started yelling at me, "YOU need to know, you don't EVER call me FIVE TIMES at work, NOT EVER ok? Do you understand me???" Yell yell yell and I was like, thinking you know, FUCK. YOU. you FUCKING. PIECE. of. ASSHOLE. I don't even fucking CARE anymore. FUCK YOU. Next time I run out of fucking toilet paper in the middle of the evening I'll just fucking use it all up and not bother to tell you, and let you have to go BACK out after you get home for the night and get your own damn self toilet paper.
It just was like, the straw that broke the camels back (to be totally cliche). I'm so sick of him being .. well.. like he's been being. I'm tired of fighting with him and I'm tired of all the shit, I'm tired of him not ever making love with me or when he does, not bothering to pleasure me but just doing his own thing for his own damn self. I know it shouldn't bother me SO incredibly much but it does, you'd think someone you're supposedly "married" to would take a few extra minutes to warm up their "married person" partner person but no. :: shakes head :: And that's when he ever actually makes love to me.. I'm not counting the MONTHS he spends not even looking at me like that.. not kissing me goodbye in the mornings or goodnight at bedtime... not rubbing my back or scratching my head to help me get to sleep... all the times he pushes me away when I try to snuggle him at night (literally, grabs me and moves me away from himself, or just shoves me hard toward the other side of the bed)... OH and all the times he picks on me.... like for not cleaning (can't fucking clean thanks to all my health problems, especially my recent back injury)... staying up too late reading with the light on.. sometimes, for NOT staying up late enough because HE wants to read........ wanting to get lots of things at the grocery store.. not getting ENOUGH at the grocery store... for walking too slowly up the stairs.. for the fact that he feels like I draw too much attention to him while we're out, because I'm so slow and limpy... for wearing too much makeup.. for not spending *enough* time showering / bathing / grooming myself.... for wearing socks that are too gaudy... for not wearing socks (and thus getting smelly feet).... for wearing an outfit that's too "dressy"... for wearing jeans that are too ripped /stained (hey they're comfortable :P )...... for going to too many doctor's appointments... for not doing more to stay on top of my own health... spending too much time online chatting with friends and taking care of my ponies... not spending enough time writing.. making too much noise when I stay up writing & am typing in the middle of the night........ just Jesus H Fucking Christ, it's just so much fucking shit, he picks on me all the fucking time these days, for all the same shit too, not just one thing but ALL the things, ALL the time.. if I'm not doing 1 thing I'm doing another things.. it feels like it doesn't even matter what I do, because it's going to be wrong, no matter what it is... :: cries ::
I'm just.. so... so very worn out. So very tired of all his shit. So tired of feeling like I HAVE to stay with him, because he's the only reason I have health insurance right now, and a place to live. And when he's not being crappy he's a great guy. But (do I really have to add this????)---If someone does so much crap that you have to clarify what they're like when they're NOT being crappy, that's just .. well.. crap. And I for one am so, so, fucking, sick, of his shit.
:'(
blargh. *sigh* Rant over I guess...
He's a good man... it's just.. stress is doing shit to us... and like... there's stress and.. fights and stuff... and.......
the truth is I don't even fucking know if he's still a good person. But it doesn't feel like it anymore. I'm so sick of his shit. :'(
(If you've read THIS far, thank you ... :: hands out cookies to anyone still reading :: ... :: passes around hot cocoa :: .... )
*EDIT* --- Well, "hubby" just got home, and the very first thing he did, was to apologise for all the crap... he wrapped me up in a huge hug, and we talked things out, and he said, he is so very sorry for making me feel so sad and upset and stressed out, and sorry for just everything, and we had a good talk... and yes... he's still a good person..... and I do love him, very sincerely, and overall he's wonderful. So yeah. Things are ok now. :/ I feel kind of bad for getting SO angry and ranting so much. Things are better now...