The Angle (Money Can't Buy Love 'Verse)
Title: The Angle
Author: KliqzAngel
Verse: Money Can’t Buy Love (Or anything else really important!)
Actors: Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, Michael Rosenbaum, Johnny Depp and Josh Holloway with mention of George Eads
Content: M/M/M Relationship, Angst, AU, Needy!Jared and Dr!Josh
Rating: PG-13
Summary: If he couldn’t figure out the angle, how could he prepare himself for the end? Even if he didn’t really know whether it was coming or not.
Previous Parts: Here!!
Jared sat on the floor in Jensen and Mike’s bedroom looking up at them as he leaned against the wall. He hadn’t taken to sleeping with them at night just yet; in fact not much had changed since they told him that they wanted him in their lives, in their relationship. He needed things to go slow and they understood that. Things with his brother were progressing as equally slow. Too much was changing and they all seemed to understand that Jared was just trying to keep his head above water.
He’d started this ‘watching them while they slept’ thing though about a week before. He didn’t think they knew and didn’t plan to tell them, wasn’t sure what they would say. So far they had been very understanding, more so than they should be in Jared’s opinion, although George said that they were doing exactly what they should if they meant what they’d said. Jared hadn’t commented on his brother’s words, not really sure he agreed. He was the one pushing his way into their relationship -even if that wasn’t what he was really doing, since they had been the ones to initiate things with him not the other way around- and he didn’t see why they should be forced to be so patient, waiting for some messed up kid.
And, he knew really that’s what he was. Just some messed up kid, genius IQ and Daddy Warbucks money aside. He was no more than some child born to a too rich father with too little emotion of his own to understand that a child needed love and attention like only a parent could give.
He kept trying to figure out their angle. Everyone had one. It was the first thing he learned from his father. Lesson #1: Everyone had an angle and until you found it, you were at the disadvantage. No one did things out of the kindness of their hearts. No one just took people in because it was the right thing to do. They all had some motive, something they wanted to get out of it like the attention they got from girls for taking in some friendless Richie Rich, money from the rich kid who was just grateful to have someone paying him attention, better grades in classes they had no hope of passing on their own.
Only, they were already together, and gay, so they had no use of girl’s attention. They didn’t really want his money. Hell they wouldn’t even let him get away with paying all the rent, insisting that he let them give him a little each month. They were both in classes completely different from his, so, he wasn’t really sure what help he could offer with their school studies.
It was the not knowing that was making it difficult to move on.
If he didn’t know what they wanted, then how was he supposed to know what to give them? How could he know how to cope, if he didn’t know what to brace himself for? So far they didn’t seem to want anything from him except for some good food on occasion, and advice on the car they wanted to buy. Neither were things that he thought were significant enough to be considered an ‘angle’.
He wasn’t sleeping well.
When he laid in the quiet of his bedroom at night, all he heard in his head was his father’s voice lecturing, explaining, telling him the things that he would need to know to succeed in the world. He remembered his brother’s words. “Be strong, Jaybird. Don’t let him change you.” He remembered George saying it before he’d been forced to leave, back when Jared had been too young to understand what he was being warned about.
Now he understood. Now, after years spent alone under his father’s thumb. His mother long gone, deemed an unworthy influence on a child his father had intended to mold carefully.
And, mold he had.
Long hours spent reading books way beyond appropriate for a child, because his father wanted him to understand early in life what the world was really like, a childhood absent of any typical adolescent comfort. Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy none were fantasies that he was allowed to have. His father not wanting him to believe in such nonsense when there were other more important things he needed to be prepared for, harsh realities that meant Jared couldn't afford to wear childish rose-colored glasses. Birthday parties, summer camp, sleepovers also were out of the question. The other kids, even those in the private schools he’d gone to were not worthy of his time. Jared didn’t have time for the foolish antics he would pick up from other children.
Books on serial killers, lectures on poverty, famine, and homelessness, trips to see people suffering from deadly diseases or lying dead in morgues so Jared would know the consequences of foolish behavior were all he’d known. Everything that he did every day until the day he’d gone to college were to prepare him, teach him, mold him into someone that his father was confident would behave in the manner in which he felt appropriate.
Nights spent cold and starving in an empty room with no carpet, open windows, no covers, no food, and no lights. Days spent outside with nothing to drink, hot sun blazing above him, sweat pouring down his little body as it raced toward deadly dehydration. Emptiness, loneliness, depression, anger, hopelessness were all notions and experiences Jared had been well familiar with well before most kids even knew Santa Clause wasn’t real. Lessons Jared wasn't finding it easy to give up now that he wasn’t under his father’s thumb. Some lessons Jared didn’t even yet recognize as possibly being faulty in their logic.
Every time he talked about his childhood to one of his boyfriends or his brother they got a look in their eye that he didn’t understand. Rage, hatred, pity these were things that he wasn’t used to getting from others. He was smart enough and had been on his own long enough to know that the way he was raised wasn’t the same as other kids. He just didn’t understand what it was that he didn’t know that they did. He didn’t understand what other lessons that he needed to learn that they already had.
He wanted.
He was used to that. It was as familiar to him as loneliness and fear. He’d wanted his whole life. Wanted things he saw that his father deemed inappropriate. Wanted to feel things he saw other kids feeling, getting, sharing with other kids, parents, siblings that he hadn’t experienced, things he figured it must be too late to get now. Surely he was coming into the world too late to really be one of them now.
And, if that was true, if it was too late to be one of them… If it was too late to understand, too late to learn, too late to have a chance at normality, then what was he doing? Why was he trying? Why in the world did anyone else think he was worth the effort?
Despite his genius, Jared knew that he was defective, knew that he wasn’t good enough, knew that he wasn’t as good as other people, knew all these things because his father had taught him well. Unfortunately those lessons stuck, while on the other had it was fortunate that lessons such as how to take someone apart, how to ruin their whole life without feeling bad or guilty hadn’t taken so well. For Jared, the world wasn’t something to be conquered; it was something to be endured. The world was something he knew he wasn’t good enough for, something he knew that he couldn’t relate to, something that would pretend to be his friend, only to turn around and stab him in the back figuratively and literally. The world was dangerous, poisonous, and rabid with sensations waiting only to take him in and destroy him.
He loved his brother; he understood that, he just didn’t understand why his brother would love him back. He desperately wanted to love his boyfriends, and already cared about them enough it would probably hurt worse than anything ever when their angle was discovered. That was why Jared needed to know what it was. Needed to prepare now because he didn’t know if this time he would survive when they had gotten closer than anyone had ever been allowed to get in his whole life.
When his watch beeped softly, Jared stood and picked up his backpack, before leaving the room, closing the door quietly behind him. He had an appointment that morning with his psychiatrist.
When Jared realized last school year that he would have to move, the doctor he’d been seeing at the time immediately helped him find someone he trusted, then he worked to pick his school around the list, the very very short list he’d been given. He’d been going for several months, made inconvenient trips in to see him so that he wouldn’t have the disrupting nerves of settling with a new doctor when the school year started.
As he drove through town, he found himself thinking again on the angle situation. He’d been so focused on it lately that it had been the primary focus of his sessions. His doctor had given him an odd suggestion as to what his boyfriend and his brother’s angles might be. A suggestion Jared wasn’t sure he could accept because he just couldn’t understand how it could possibly be an angle. Pulling up outside the building, Jared parked the car and hurried inside, waiting stiffly in the uncomfortable office chairs before he was ushered into the doctor’s office.
“Good morning, Jared,” his doctor welcomed as he moved into his office, closing the door carefully before moving to sit carefully in his favorite chair.
“Good morning, Dr. Holloway,” Jared greeted somewhat nervously then sighed at the look in his doctor’s eye.
“What did I say about that?” Dr. Holloway chastised softly and Jared sighed nodding. “Sorry,” Jared replied biting down on the inside if his lip. “I meant to say, Good morning, Josh.” Jared corrected somewhat confused. He didn’t really understand his doctor’s strange request that he call him by his first name outside of their session. He always wanted to talk before hand about things that had nothing to do with Jared’s numerous issues.
Dr. Holloway smiled slightly nodding. “I thought we’d gotten past that months ago.” Jared nodded and sighed, his leg bouncing in front of him. “I know I’m sorry.” Jared replied nodding, because they had gotten past it. Jared had even gotten used to it and enjoyed it if he was honest. It felt like on some level Josh was his friend. Not the kind you’d go out and hang out with, but the casual kind of friend that you could speak freely with and not worry if you upset them because they were easily replaced.
Not that Jared understood the difference really. For him, friends of any kind were precious and valuable, but Josh was different from Jensen or Mike or Lijah and Dom, even Jared understood that. Besides, he was only Josh outside of the sessions, while they were working on Jared’s brutally wounded psyche, he was Dr. Holloway and Jared appreciated that even more. He could never tell Josh things he told Dr. Holloway. When Josh put on his glasses, and sat up straight in his chair, Jared knew it was time, Josh became Dr. Holloway, and discussions of Korn Vs Disturbed moved to discussions on reality Vs his father’s lessons.
“I thought about what you said,” Jared started, his leg still bouncing showing just how off balance he was from the suggestion, “and I don’t get it.”
“Can you say it again? Please?” Jared asked hating that he almost sounded like he was begging, but was relieved when Dr. Holloway’s face betrayed nothing but patience and understanding.
“Of course I can Jared,” Dr. Holloway assured. “We were discussing what angles Jensen and Mike or your brother could have in wanting to have you in their lives. I suggested that loving you was their angle.”
“But see, that’s what I don’t understand,” Jared argued, forehead wrinkled in a frown. “That isn’t an angle.”
“Why not?” Dr. Holloway asked. “They’re getting something from it right? Affection, companionship, a sense of family, an expanded network of support are all things they would ‘get out of’ loving you. Just because none of them would have an adverse effect on you doesn’t mean they aren’t valid points. Why does their ‘angle’ have to be negative? Why can’t it be mutually beneficial? They get to love you and eventually you get to love them back. We’ve already agreed that your father’s lessons are flawed correct?”
Finally Jared nodded watching Dr. Holloway’s face intently, taking in his words as if they were some of the most important of his life, when in honestly they just might have been. “So, if his lessons were flawed then why isn’t it possible that angles aren’t just things people want to take from you or ways for them to hurt you? Why can’t they be ways for you to benefit, ways for you both to reap some mutual good tiding? Jensen and Mike aside, what possible reason would your brother have for hurting you? Did he ever do it before your father made him go away?”
Quickly Jared shook his head. George had never been anything but a fierce protector when he’d lived at home with Jared, at least what little Jared could remember of that time. Most of his memories were lost in the haziness of early childhood, but there were a few that he held onto and protected, memories that had gotten him through the worst of times. They were probably the only thing that had kept his father from truly succeeding, because without them, Jared would have been helpless in a ruthless assault on his vulnerable little boy psyche. “If he didn’t hurt you then, why would he hurt you now?” Dr. Holloway asked gently and sighing Jared was forced to shrug.
“If it, the angle, if it isn’t bad, I don’t know what to do with it. What does that mean? How do I prepare for something that isn’t going to hurt?” Jared asked and Dr. Holloway sighed softly studying Jared’s intent expression.
Jared was unlike any patient he’d ever worked with. He'd used methods to help Jared that he’d never use with other patients, such as making him see him as something of a friend, and offering him brutally honest truths that he normally would be careful about throwing at his other patients. Jared wasn’t like them though and didn’t understand subtly. He’d never experienced anything other than cold hard truths and as much as Josh as a person wanted to be gentle and protective of Jared that wasn't his job. His job was to make sure Jared could heal from the horrific childhood that he’d been forced into and that wouldn’t happen without things that Jared understood.
“I haven’t lied to you thus far, Jared, and I won’t start now. No relationship is without hurt, but good healthy relationships aren’t going to hurt you in the manners that you are used to. No one is going to starve you, no one is going to beat you or subject you to torturous images for hours upon hours at a time. Yes there will be fights and maybe words said that hurt, but there will also be plenty of goodness, hugs, praise, support when you need it, or just being together to simply be together.”
“Maybe, you should consider that you don’t need to prepare the way you are used to. Maybe you should think about the possibility that you don’t need to continuously plan for what bad things might happen, and just relax and enjoy the good as it comes. If something bad happens, you know I am here, 24/7, but why let the maybe’s ruin all the good that you could be experiencing?”
Jared blinked but considered the words, turning over a concept that was completely foreign to him. Lesson #2 was always be prepared for the worst. Anyone who wasn’t prepared deserved what came to him when he was caught, and didn’t know what to do. The downfall to this was, Jared knew, that you were always so intent on watching for all the terrible possibilities that you often missed all the good things that might be there waiting to be discovered. He didn’t want to live that way anymore. He wanted to see the good things and embrace them, and not have to be so completely consumed about what might or could happen.
“You really think I can do that?” Jared asked hesitantly and the fear underneath the hope in his voice almost broke Josh’s heart. He was under no misconception that Jared would ever be just some patient to him, as a man Jared’s life broke his heart and made him question humanity.
“Jared you are one of the strongest and most courageous people I know. You have come so far in your life and have withstood so much that for you to just be able to sit here in my office considering that all your father tried to drill into you might not be right is something of a miracle. I have no doubt that you can do this, changing how you look at the world around you, if you set your mind to it. You can do this Jared.”
Nodding, Jared’s lip quivered slightly as he nodded ignoring the tears running down his cheeks. “I don’t want to worry about what bad things Jensen and Mike might do anymore.” Jared finally said, and Josh smiled as proud as if Jared was his own son.
“Then I say we don’t,” Dr. Holloway said with conviction and Jared nodded wondering at the relief he felt underneath the fear he was feeling.
After spending the rest of the session talking to ‘Josh’ as Dr. Holloway determined they’d made significant progress enough for the day. When he left the office he felt a little less torn up than he had, but still was terribly nervous and was given instructions to keep record of all of the good things that happened to him between then and the next session. Not ready to go home and face well meaning questions about his morning, and not wanting to go to his brother’s garage for the same reason, Jared found himself eventually in the parking lot of Johnny Bean’s and shrugging decided to treat himself to lunch.
Walking in, he didn’t see anyone he knew and almost turned to leave, until he heard his name called. Glancing toward the bar, he saw Johnny waving him over and biting his lip crossed the room, to take a seat on a barstool in front of the older man. When Johnny placed a frosty mug filled with Jared’s new weakness, their orange cream soda, he found himself rewarding the older man with a big smile and forgot a little about his nervousness without realizing it.
“Out and about on your own today?” Johnny asked and Jared nodded taking a sip before smiling shyly at the man. “Had my appointment with Dr. Holloway this morning.” Jared said carefully, sure Elijah had told his brother about Jared’s weekly appointments with the shrink. Instead he only got a worried frown as Johnny paused in his wiping down of the bar top. “You sick kiddo?”
Momentarily, Jared was confused blinking at Johnny before realizing Elijah hadn’t told after all, and felt a rush of emotion at just how good a friend Elijah apparently was. Per Jensen, Elijah didn’t keep anything from Johnny, so keeping one of Jared’s confidences was huge. “No, um, he’s my psychiatrist,” Jared said finally speaking softly enough Johnny almost didn’t hear him over the lunchtime chatter.
Smiling Johnny arched an eyebrow as he went back to his cleaning, shaking his head. “What does a good kid like you need a shrink for?” Again, Jared was struck not sure if he was teasing or honest or a little of both, and finally decided he was teasing and decided to joke back. “You wouldn’t have time even if you really did wanna know.”
Arching an eyebrow, Johnny finished his cleaning and threw the rag in the general direction of the sink before putting in an order for food that Jared hadn’t even made yet. Then, moving to stand in front of him but slightly off to one side, Johnny rested a hip against the bar and said, “I got plenty of time.”
Jared wasn’t sure what he was thinking. Maybe it was the upheaval of Josh’s suggestion that he not worry about the bad shit, maybe it was the comfort he was slowly growing to find with himself and the people in his life, maybe it was just that Johnny was one of those people you just wanted to spill your guts to, but for some reason Jared did.
He talked about his father, he talked about his brother, he talked about the mother he didn’t know and wasn’t sure if he wanted to. He talked about childhood and freezing to death at night. He talked about college bullies that he somehow despite all his father’s lessons he hadn’t been ready for. He talked about anger and rage and pain and loss and the disillusionment of never having a childhood. He talked through lunch, he talked through a snack, he even almost reached dinner, and he drank so much orange cream pop that he was pretty sure he was gonna pee orange that night.
Through it all Johnny just listened, occasionally moving to get Jared or himself something, but other than that didn’t move as he just simply listened. When he was done, Jared was drained and after sitting in silence with nothing but the normal sounds of the restaurant around him, he began to grow nervous at what he’d just laid out. No one even Dr. Holloway or any of his other doctor’s had ever heard his whole story and Jay had no doubt this was where he got the friendly brush off.
“You have these appointments the same time every week, Jay?” Johnny finally asked and looking up Jared nodded more than a little nervous until Johnny smiled. “Well then I guess I will see you next Wednesday for lunch then, huh?”
Cocking his head to one side, Jared blinked dumbfounded not believing that was it. “I stand by what I said earlier,” Johnny explained. “You’re a good kid. I can see how you might need someone like a doctor to talk to, but he’s not all you have now. So, if you want to come see me after your appointments and talk about what he said, or not talk about anything other than sports and rock n’ roll, that’s cool with me. But, don’t let anyone convince you that you are inferior, Jared. The man you are… well there isn’t anything wrong with him that the rest of us can’t deal with. And if you want to work on some things we’ll all be here to help.”
“Why don’t you head home now? I think your boys are ready to have you to themselves now.” Johnny offered smiling softly at Jared. As he turned, he felt two sets of arms appear around his shoulders. He didn’t know how long they had been there, but as he rested into their bodies he closed his eyes and let himself feel safe.
“How about we go home now Jay?” Jensen asked softly, his voice deeper than normal, rumbling in Jared’s ear. Nodding Jared allowed himself to be pulled up and handed over his keys without hesitation to Mike allowing Jensen to get him into the car, then once home inside the house. Drained from his day, Jared let himself be undressed down to his boxers and undershirt and tucked unto Jensen and Mike’s bed where he immediately fell asleep.
“Jesus, Jen,” Mike whispered, his head rested on Jared’s shoulder curled into his back. Jared was mostly on top of Jensen half on his stomach and half on his side one arm thrown over Jensen’s chest clutching tightly. They both knew he’d been watching them in the mornings and they of course knew about his weekly meetings with his psychiatrist. Jared was very honest about what he viewed as his various issues and had even given them each Josh’s cell number ‘just in case’. At the time they’d each thought it was a little over the top, but now neither of them had any doubts.
When they’d woken up and realized that Jared had already left for his weekly appointment, they decided to have an early lunch at Johnny’s. They’d both been in the bathroom washing up after eating and maybe possibly messing around in the handicap stall before leaving, when Jared came in. When they’d come out and saw him sitting talking to Johnny, they’d been on their way over to see them, but something about the look on Johnny’s face made them pause from calling out. Then when they got close enough to actually hear they’d been frozen and sat at one of the booths near the bar to listen. They knew they probably shouldn’t have, but couldn’t have left without someone forcing them.
“Yeah,” Jensen finally answered, tightening his hold on Jared as he thought about the story they’d heard. Neither man had answers, both had a helluva lot of questions, and neither of them slept that night.
Morning came along slowly and painfully, both Jensen and Mike more tired than when they’d gone to bed. The sun was barely up before Jared was awake, blushing shyly as he looked at first Mike then Jensen. “How long were you there?” Jared asked softly lips brushing Jensen’s chest as he spoke.
“We were in the bathroom when you came in,” Mike said quietly and lifted an eyebrow when Jared giggled. “You two were foolin’ around in the bathroom again weren’t you?” Lifting his head, he saw Jensen blush but neither answered. “So you heard it all?” Jared finally asked soberly and watched the two men nod.
“I think,” Mike said softly, “that Johnny was right. There isn’t anything wrong with you that the rest of us can’t deal with. You aren’t defective or missing any vital parts. You aren’t something to be fixed with super glue and kiss, and no matter what happens from here on out, I think I can safely say Jen and I both have your back.”
Jensen nodded easily running a hand through Jared’s hair picking out the tangles wondering how he felt so much in such a short time for this strange amazing man. “We didn’t invite you into this on a whim Jay. It wasn’t just for your money or cool cars or kick ass meals. You could go broke, decide to drive beaters for the rest of your life and develop a sudden vegetarian fetish and we’d still want you here, man. This is real, for both of us, so whatever you gotta do, Jay, we’re gonna help with in any way we can.”
“I don’t know how not to expect the bad,” Jared whispered ashamed shaking against Jensen, and the older man had to resist the urge to shout in anger damning the bastard who had raised Jay. It was only the gentle touch of Mike’s fingers on his cheek that kept him quiet.
“Then we’ll show you how.” Mike replied knowing his lover couldn’t, not wanting to leave Jared hanging. “We’ll show you how to believe, because Goddamnit Jared we believe in you.”
Nodding, Jared sniffled against Jensen’s chest closing his eyes again, only this time when he fell asleep, his boyfriends joined him,
The End
Read the next story The Geek God and His... Snugglers Here
P.S. IF anyone knows where I could get a good Jared Jensen Mike icon to use for the Verse I would appreciate it! I tried to make one and... it blew chunks! Thanks to keyweegirlie for the wonderful icons and banners!
Author: KliqzAngel
Verse: Money Can’t Buy Love (Or anything else really important!)
Actors: Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, Michael Rosenbaum, Johnny Depp and Josh Holloway with mention of George Eads
Content: M/M/M Relationship, Angst, AU, Needy!Jared and Dr!Josh
Rating: PG-13
Summary: If he couldn’t figure out the angle, how could he prepare himself for the end? Even if he didn’t really know whether it was coming or not.
Previous Parts: Here!!
Jared sat on the floor in Jensen and Mike’s bedroom looking up at them as he leaned against the wall. He hadn’t taken to sleeping with them at night just yet; in fact not much had changed since they told him that they wanted him in their lives, in their relationship. He needed things to go slow and they understood that. Things with his brother were progressing as equally slow. Too much was changing and they all seemed to understand that Jared was just trying to keep his head above water.
He’d started this ‘watching them while they slept’ thing though about a week before. He didn’t think they knew and didn’t plan to tell them, wasn’t sure what they would say. So far they had been very understanding, more so than they should be in Jared’s opinion, although George said that they were doing exactly what they should if they meant what they’d said. Jared hadn’t commented on his brother’s words, not really sure he agreed. He was the one pushing his way into their relationship -even if that wasn’t what he was really doing, since they had been the ones to initiate things with him not the other way around- and he didn’t see why they should be forced to be so patient, waiting for some messed up kid.
And, he knew really that’s what he was. Just some messed up kid, genius IQ and Daddy Warbucks money aside. He was no more than some child born to a too rich father with too little emotion of his own to understand that a child needed love and attention like only a parent could give.
He kept trying to figure out their angle. Everyone had one. It was the first thing he learned from his father. Lesson #1: Everyone had an angle and until you found it, you were at the disadvantage. No one did things out of the kindness of their hearts. No one just took people in because it was the right thing to do. They all had some motive, something they wanted to get out of it like the attention they got from girls for taking in some friendless Richie Rich, money from the rich kid who was just grateful to have someone paying him attention, better grades in classes they had no hope of passing on their own.
Only, they were already together, and gay, so they had no use of girl’s attention. They didn’t really want his money. Hell they wouldn’t even let him get away with paying all the rent, insisting that he let them give him a little each month. They were both in classes completely different from his, so, he wasn’t really sure what help he could offer with their school studies.
It was the not knowing that was making it difficult to move on.
If he didn’t know what they wanted, then how was he supposed to know what to give them? How could he know how to cope, if he didn’t know what to brace himself for? So far they didn’t seem to want anything from him except for some good food on occasion, and advice on the car they wanted to buy. Neither were things that he thought were significant enough to be considered an ‘angle’.
He wasn’t sleeping well.
When he laid in the quiet of his bedroom at night, all he heard in his head was his father’s voice lecturing, explaining, telling him the things that he would need to know to succeed in the world. He remembered his brother’s words. “Be strong, Jaybird. Don’t let him change you.” He remembered George saying it before he’d been forced to leave, back when Jared had been too young to understand what he was being warned about.
Now he understood. Now, after years spent alone under his father’s thumb. His mother long gone, deemed an unworthy influence on a child his father had intended to mold carefully.
And, mold he had.
Long hours spent reading books way beyond appropriate for a child, because his father wanted him to understand early in life what the world was really like, a childhood absent of any typical adolescent comfort. Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy none were fantasies that he was allowed to have. His father not wanting him to believe in such nonsense when there were other more important things he needed to be prepared for, harsh realities that meant Jared couldn't afford to wear childish rose-colored glasses. Birthday parties, summer camp, sleepovers also were out of the question. The other kids, even those in the private schools he’d gone to were not worthy of his time. Jared didn’t have time for the foolish antics he would pick up from other children.
Books on serial killers, lectures on poverty, famine, and homelessness, trips to see people suffering from deadly diseases or lying dead in morgues so Jared would know the consequences of foolish behavior were all he’d known. Everything that he did every day until the day he’d gone to college were to prepare him, teach him, mold him into someone that his father was confident would behave in the manner in which he felt appropriate.
Nights spent cold and starving in an empty room with no carpet, open windows, no covers, no food, and no lights. Days spent outside with nothing to drink, hot sun blazing above him, sweat pouring down his little body as it raced toward deadly dehydration. Emptiness, loneliness, depression, anger, hopelessness were all notions and experiences Jared had been well familiar with well before most kids even knew Santa Clause wasn’t real. Lessons Jared wasn't finding it easy to give up now that he wasn’t under his father’s thumb. Some lessons Jared didn’t even yet recognize as possibly being faulty in their logic.
Every time he talked about his childhood to one of his boyfriends or his brother they got a look in their eye that he didn’t understand. Rage, hatred, pity these were things that he wasn’t used to getting from others. He was smart enough and had been on his own long enough to know that the way he was raised wasn’t the same as other kids. He just didn’t understand what it was that he didn’t know that they did. He didn’t understand what other lessons that he needed to learn that they already had.
He wanted.
He was used to that. It was as familiar to him as loneliness and fear. He’d wanted his whole life. Wanted things he saw that his father deemed inappropriate. Wanted to feel things he saw other kids feeling, getting, sharing with other kids, parents, siblings that he hadn’t experienced, things he figured it must be too late to get now. Surely he was coming into the world too late to really be one of them now.
And, if that was true, if it was too late to be one of them… If it was too late to understand, too late to learn, too late to have a chance at normality, then what was he doing? Why was he trying? Why in the world did anyone else think he was worth the effort?
Despite his genius, Jared knew that he was defective, knew that he wasn’t good enough, knew that he wasn’t as good as other people, knew all these things because his father had taught him well. Unfortunately those lessons stuck, while on the other had it was fortunate that lessons such as how to take someone apart, how to ruin their whole life without feeling bad or guilty hadn’t taken so well. For Jared, the world wasn’t something to be conquered; it was something to be endured. The world was something he knew he wasn’t good enough for, something he knew that he couldn’t relate to, something that would pretend to be his friend, only to turn around and stab him in the back figuratively and literally. The world was dangerous, poisonous, and rabid with sensations waiting only to take him in and destroy him.
He loved his brother; he understood that, he just didn’t understand why his brother would love him back. He desperately wanted to love his boyfriends, and already cared about them enough it would probably hurt worse than anything ever when their angle was discovered. That was why Jared needed to know what it was. Needed to prepare now because he didn’t know if this time he would survive when they had gotten closer than anyone had ever been allowed to get in his whole life.
When his watch beeped softly, Jared stood and picked up his backpack, before leaving the room, closing the door quietly behind him. He had an appointment that morning with his psychiatrist.
When Jared realized last school year that he would have to move, the doctor he’d been seeing at the time immediately helped him find someone he trusted, then he worked to pick his school around the list, the very very short list he’d been given. He’d been going for several months, made inconvenient trips in to see him so that he wouldn’t have the disrupting nerves of settling with a new doctor when the school year started.
As he drove through town, he found himself thinking again on the angle situation. He’d been so focused on it lately that it had been the primary focus of his sessions. His doctor had given him an odd suggestion as to what his boyfriend and his brother’s angles might be. A suggestion Jared wasn’t sure he could accept because he just couldn’t understand how it could possibly be an angle. Pulling up outside the building, Jared parked the car and hurried inside, waiting stiffly in the uncomfortable office chairs before he was ushered into the doctor’s office.
“Good morning, Jared,” his doctor welcomed as he moved into his office, closing the door carefully before moving to sit carefully in his favorite chair.
“Good morning, Dr. Holloway,” Jared greeted somewhat nervously then sighed at the look in his doctor’s eye.
“What did I say about that?” Dr. Holloway chastised softly and Jared sighed nodding. “Sorry,” Jared replied biting down on the inside if his lip. “I meant to say, Good morning, Josh.” Jared corrected somewhat confused. He didn’t really understand his doctor’s strange request that he call him by his first name outside of their session. He always wanted to talk before hand about things that had nothing to do with Jared’s numerous issues.
Dr. Holloway smiled slightly nodding. “I thought we’d gotten past that months ago.” Jared nodded and sighed, his leg bouncing in front of him. “I know I’m sorry.” Jared replied nodding, because they had gotten past it. Jared had even gotten used to it and enjoyed it if he was honest. It felt like on some level Josh was his friend. Not the kind you’d go out and hang out with, but the casual kind of friend that you could speak freely with and not worry if you upset them because they were easily replaced.
Not that Jared understood the difference really. For him, friends of any kind were precious and valuable, but Josh was different from Jensen or Mike or Lijah and Dom, even Jared understood that. Besides, he was only Josh outside of the sessions, while they were working on Jared’s brutally wounded psyche, he was Dr. Holloway and Jared appreciated that even more. He could never tell Josh things he told Dr. Holloway. When Josh put on his glasses, and sat up straight in his chair, Jared knew it was time, Josh became Dr. Holloway, and discussions of Korn Vs Disturbed moved to discussions on reality Vs his father’s lessons.
“I thought about what you said,” Jared started, his leg still bouncing showing just how off balance he was from the suggestion, “and I don’t get it.”
“Can you say it again? Please?” Jared asked hating that he almost sounded like he was begging, but was relieved when Dr. Holloway’s face betrayed nothing but patience and understanding.
“Of course I can Jared,” Dr. Holloway assured. “We were discussing what angles Jensen and Mike or your brother could have in wanting to have you in their lives. I suggested that loving you was their angle.”
“But see, that’s what I don’t understand,” Jared argued, forehead wrinkled in a frown. “That isn’t an angle.”
“Why not?” Dr. Holloway asked. “They’re getting something from it right? Affection, companionship, a sense of family, an expanded network of support are all things they would ‘get out of’ loving you. Just because none of them would have an adverse effect on you doesn’t mean they aren’t valid points. Why does their ‘angle’ have to be negative? Why can’t it be mutually beneficial? They get to love you and eventually you get to love them back. We’ve already agreed that your father’s lessons are flawed correct?”
Finally Jared nodded watching Dr. Holloway’s face intently, taking in his words as if they were some of the most important of his life, when in honestly they just might have been. “So, if his lessons were flawed then why isn’t it possible that angles aren’t just things people want to take from you or ways for them to hurt you? Why can’t they be ways for you to benefit, ways for you both to reap some mutual good tiding? Jensen and Mike aside, what possible reason would your brother have for hurting you? Did he ever do it before your father made him go away?”
Quickly Jared shook his head. George had never been anything but a fierce protector when he’d lived at home with Jared, at least what little Jared could remember of that time. Most of his memories were lost in the haziness of early childhood, but there were a few that he held onto and protected, memories that had gotten him through the worst of times. They were probably the only thing that had kept his father from truly succeeding, because without them, Jared would have been helpless in a ruthless assault on his vulnerable little boy psyche. “If he didn’t hurt you then, why would he hurt you now?” Dr. Holloway asked gently and sighing Jared was forced to shrug.
“If it, the angle, if it isn’t bad, I don’t know what to do with it. What does that mean? How do I prepare for something that isn’t going to hurt?” Jared asked and Dr. Holloway sighed softly studying Jared’s intent expression.
Jared was unlike any patient he’d ever worked with. He'd used methods to help Jared that he’d never use with other patients, such as making him see him as something of a friend, and offering him brutally honest truths that he normally would be careful about throwing at his other patients. Jared wasn’t like them though and didn’t understand subtly. He’d never experienced anything other than cold hard truths and as much as Josh as a person wanted to be gentle and protective of Jared that wasn't his job. His job was to make sure Jared could heal from the horrific childhood that he’d been forced into and that wouldn’t happen without things that Jared understood.
“I haven’t lied to you thus far, Jared, and I won’t start now. No relationship is without hurt, but good healthy relationships aren’t going to hurt you in the manners that you are used to. No one is going to starve you, no one is going to beat you or subject you to torturous images for hours upon hours at a time. Yes there will be fights and maybe words said that hurt, but there will also be plenty of goodness, hugs, praise, support when you need it, or just being together to simply be together.”
“Maybe, you should consider that you don’t need to prepare the way you are used to. Maybe you should think about the possibility that you don’t need to continuously plan for what bad things might happen, and just relax and enjoy the good as it comes. If something bad happens, you know I am here, 24/7, but why let the maybe’s ruin all the good that you could be experiencing?”
Jared blinked but considered the words, turning over a concept that was completely foreign to him. Lesson #2 was always be prepared for the worst. Anyone who wasn’t prepared deserved what came to him when he was caught, and didn’t know what to do. The downfall to this was, Jared knew, that you were always so intent on watching for all the terrible possibilities that you often missed all the good things that might be there waiting to be discovered. He didn’t want to live that way anymore. He wanted to see the good things and embrace them, and not have to be so completely consumed about what might or could happen.
“You really think I can do that?” Jared asked hesitantly and the fear underneath the hope in his voice almost broke Josh’s heart. He was under no misconception that Jared would ever be just some patient to him, as a man Jared’s life broke his heart and made him question humanity.
“Jared you are one of the strongest and most courageous people I know. You have come so far in your life and have withstood so much that for you to just be able to sit here in my office considering that all your father tried to drill into you might not be right is something of a miracle. I have no doubt that you can do this, changing how you look at the world around you, if you set your mind to it. You can do this Jared.”
Nodding, Jared’s lip quivered slightly as he nodded ignoring the tears running down his cheeks. “I don’t want to worry about what bad things Jensen and Mike might do anymore.” Jared finally said, and Josh smiled as proud as if Jared was his own son.
“Then I say we don’t,” Dr. Holloway said with conviction and Jared nodded wondering at the relief he felt underneath the fear he was feeling.
After spending the rest of the session talking to ‘Josh’ as Dr. Holloway determined they’d made significant progress enough for the day. When he left the office he felt a little less torn up than he had, but still was terribly nervous and was given instructions to keep record of all of the good things that happened to him between then and the next session. Not ready to go home and face well meaning questions about his morning, and not wanting to go to his brother’s garage for the same reason, Jared found himself eventually in the parking lot of Johnny Bean’s and shrugging decided to treat himself to lunch.
Walking in, he didn’t see anyone he knew and almost turned to leave, until he heard his name called. Glancing toward the bar, he saw Johnny waving him over and biting his lip crossed the room, to take a seat on a barstool in front of the older man. When Johnny placed a frosty mug filled with Jared’s new weakness, their orange cream soda, he found himself rewarding the older man with a big smile and forgot a little about his nervousness without realizing it.
“Out and about on your own today?” Johnny asked and Jared nodded taking a sip before smiling shyly at the man. “Had my appointment with Dr. Holloway this morning.” Jared said carefully, sure Elijah had told his brother about Jared’s weekly appointments with the shrink. Instead he only got a worried frown as Johnny paused in his wiping down of the bar top. “You sick kiddo?”
Momentarily, Jared was confused blinking at Johnny before realizing Elijah hadn’t told after all, and felt a rush of emotion at just how good a friend Elijah apparently was. Per Jensen, Elijah didn’t keep anything from Johnny, so keeping one of Jared’s confidences was huge. “No, um, he’s my psychiatrist,” Jared said finally speaking softly enough Johnny almost didn’t hear him over the lunchtime chatter.
Smiling Johnny arched an eyebrow as he went back to his cleaning, shaking his head. “What does a good kid like you need a shrink for?” Again, Jared was struck not sure if he was teasing or honest or a little of both, and finally decided he was teasing and decided to joke back. “You wouldn’t have time even if you really did wanna know.”
Arching an eyebrow, Johnny finished his cleaning and threw the rag in the general direction of the sink before putting in an order for food that Jared hadn’t even made yet. Then, moving to stand in front of him but slightly off to one side, Johnny rested a hip against the bar and said, “I got plenty of time.”
Jared wasn’t sure what he was thinking. Maybe it was the upheaval of Josh’s suggestion that he not worry about the bad shit, maybe it was the comfort he was slowly growing to find with himself and the people in his life, maybe it was just that Johnny was one of those people you just wanted to spill your guts to, but for some reason Jared did.
He talked about his father, he talked about his brother, he talked about the mother he didn’t know and wasn’t sure if he wanted to. He talked about childhood and freezing to death at night. He talked about college bullies that he somehow despite all his father’s lessons he hadn’t been ready for. He talked about anger and rage and pain and loss and the disillusionment of never having a childhood. He talked through lunch, he talked through a snack, he even almost reached dinner, and he drank so much orange cream pop that he was pretty sure he was gonna pee orange that night.
Through it all Johnny just listened, occasionally moving to get Jared or himself something, but other than that didn’t move as he just simply listened. When he was done, Jared was drained and after sitting in silence with nothing but the normal sounds of the restaurant around him, he began to grow nervous at what he’d just laid out. No one even Dr. Holloway or any of his other doctor’s had ever heard his whole story and Jay had no doubt this was where he got the friendly brush off.
“You have these appointments the same time every week, Jay?” Johnny finally asked and looking up Jared nodded more than a little nervous until Johnny smiled. “Well then I guess I will see you next Wednesday for lunch then, huh?”
Cocking his head to one side, Jared blinked dumbfounded not believing that was it. “I stand by what I said earlier,” Johnny explained. “You’re a good kid. I can see how you might need someone like a doctor to talk to, but he’s not all you have now. So, if you want to come see me after your appointments and talk about what he said, or not talk about anything other than sports and rock n’ roll, that’s cool with me. But, don’t let anyone convince you that you are inferior, Jared. The man you are… well there isn’t anything wrong with him that the rest of us can’t deal with. And if you want to work on some things we’ll all be here to help.”
“Why don’t you head home now? I think your boys are ready to have you to themselves now.” Johnny offered smiling softly at Jared. As he turned, he felt two sets of arms appear around his shoulders. He didn’t know how long they had been there, but as he rested into their bodies he closed his eyes and let himself feel safe.
“How about we go home now Jay?” Jensen asked softly, his voice deeper than normal, rumbling in Jared’s ear. Nodding Jared allowed himself to be pulled up and handed over his keys without hesitation to Mike allowing Jensen to get him into the car, then once home inside the house. Drained from his day, Jared let himself be undressed down to his boxers and undershirt and tucked unto Jensen and Mike’s bed where he immediately fell asleep.
“Jesus, Jen,” Mike whispered, his head rested on Jared’s shoulder curled into his back. Jared was mostly on top of Jensen half on his stomach and half on his side one arm thrown over Jensen’s chest clutching tightly. They both knew he’d been watching them in the mornings and they of course knew about his weekly meetings with his psychiatrist. Jared was very honest about what he viewed as his various issues and had even given them each Josh’s cell number ‘just in case’. At the time they’d each thought it was a little over the top, but now neither of them had any doubts.
When they’d woken up and realized that Jared had already left for his weekly appointment, they decided to have an early lunch at Johnny’s. They’d both been in the bathroom washing up after eating and maybe possibly messing around in the handicap stall before leaving, when Jared came in. When they’d come out and saw him sitting talking to Johnny, they’d been on their way over to see them, but something about the look on Johnny’s face made them pause from calling out. Then when they got close enough to actually hear they’d been frozen and sat at one of the booths near the bar to listen. They knew they probably shouldn’t have, but couldn’t have left without someone forcing them.
“Yeah,” Jensen finally answered, tightening his hold on Jared as he thought about the story they’d heard. Neither man had answers, both had a helluva lot of questions, and neither of them slept that night.
Morning came along slowly and painfully, both Jensen and Mike more tired than when they’d gone to bed. The sun was barely up before Jared was awake, blushing shyly as he looked at first Mike then Jensen. “How long were you there?” Jared asked softly lips brushing Jensen’s chest as he spoke.
“We were in the bathroom when you came in,” Mike said quietly and lifted an eyebrow when Jared giggled. “You two were foolin’ around in the bathroom again weren’t you?” Lifting his head, he saw Jensen blush but neither answered. “So you heard it all?” Jared finally asked soberly and watched the two men nod.
“I think,” Mike said softly, “that Johnny was right. There isn’t anything wrong with you that the rest of us can’t deal with. You aren’t defective or missing any vital parts. You aren’t something to be fixed with super glue and kiss, and no matter what happens from here on out, I think I can safely say Jen and I both have your back.”
Jensen nodded easily running a hand through Jared’s hair picking out the tangles wondering how he felt so much in such a short time for this strange amazing man. “We didn’t invite you into this on a whim Jay. It wasn’t just for your money or cool cars or kick ass meals. You could go broke, decide to drive beaters for the rest of your life and develop a sudden vegetarian fetish and we’d still want you here, man. This is real, for both of us, so whatever you gotta do, Jay, we’re gonna help with in any way we can.”
“I don’t know how not to expect the bad,” Jared whispered ashamed shaking against Jensen, and the older man had to resist the urge to shout in anger damning the bastard who had raised Jay. It was only the gentle touch of Mike’s fingers on his cheek that kept him quiet.
“Then we’ll show you how.” Mike replied knowing his lover couldn’t, not wanting to leave Jared hanging. “We’ll show you how to believe, because Goddamnit Jared we believe in you.”
Nodding, Jared sniffled against Jensen’s chest closing his eyes again, only this time when he fell asleep, his boyfriends joined him,
The End
Read the next story The Geek God and His... Snugglers Here
P.S. IF anyone knows where I could get a good Jared Jensen Mike icon to use for the Verse I would appreciate it! I tried to make one and... it blew chunks! Thanks to keyweegirlie for the wonderful icons and banners!