Chapter Four
After Steve shoved them out of the guest room; Chad took Mike’s hand and led him back to the living room where he claimed the couch this time for himself and Mike. Yawning, he laid down letting Mike sprawl out half on top of him and half on his side next to him on the outside. They’d learned through trial and error that Mike was more comfortable on the outside, where he had an easy escape if he got spooked, even if he rarely did anymore.
While he’d never once doubted Jared’s planning, Chad had to admit the rehab center had been as good for Mike as it had for Jensen. Neither he nor Jared had been surprised to learn that Mike still had some lingering drug issues of his own to deal with, thanks to Tom, and that had been easily incorporated into his therapy for the abuse he’d suffered at Tom’s hands. While Christian was the center of Jared’s anger at Jensen’s problems, Tom was the anti-Christ that Chad had centered his attention on. As sure as he was that Jared would get his hands on Christian, Chad only hoped he’d have the same opportunity with Tom. The more he learned about the hell he’d put Mike through, the sicker to his stomach he got, and that much more rage filled his veins.
Things between himself and Mike had been pretty rocky when they first moved into the cabin, together after leaving Jared and Jensen’s but, slowly but surely, things between them had worked out. Chad knew people rarely viewed him as any kind of an intelligent or trustworthy human being, unless they were Jared. He readily admitted that he had more than a little to do with his reputation as The Douche. Maybe he’d even once or twice done things to deliberately encourage it, but it was nice to have someone who had his own respectability issues that saw beneath his image, and saw the real him.
He kept waiting for the freak out to come at the idea of being in a committed relationship with a man, but so far, it hadn’t happened. He was sure Mike had something to do with it. He thought that if he’d attempted this kind of a relationship with any other man, the freak out would have happened long ago. With Mike though, things were so easy, mostly because they’d been friends before things started to develop, so they hadn’t had to suffer through the basic learning parts most couples needed. Instead they’d been able to jump right to the in depth things already comfortable with each other on a basic level.
They’d yet to completely consummate their relationship. Chad figured he’d gotten more blowjobs in this relationship than he’d gotten with all his former girlfriends and his two wives combined. Not that he was complaining, mind you. Mike gave a blowjob that pretty much sucked all the brain cells out of his head, so he was the last person you’d hear complaining. And, if Chad was honest, he wasn’t sure he was ready for that last step into big gay sex just yet.
Maybe he was freaking out just a little after all.
Smiling to himself, Chad rolled his head letting his lips press into the top of Mike’s head and just rested there, breathing in his scent. Mike was a cuddler. Something Chad had been happy to find out.
Oddly enough, it was something he’d never particularly enjoyed with women, but with Mike, it just seemed to fit. It was something else that he was trying not to look too deeply into, least he started humming wedding tunes and completely freaked Mike out. While Chad had long ago considered himself firmly back off the market, Mike wasn’t quite ready to admit they were anything close to exclusive yet. Chad was trying his hardest to be patient about the whole thing, and so far, it had been easy. Being at the rehab place where he’d had little competition for Mike’s attention, there hadn’t been any reason for worry. Now that they were back in LA though, Chad was a little worried his patience was going to be tested, and he was pretty sure Mike wouldn’t react well to the jealous boyfriend routine after Tom’s song and dance.
“Aww, don’t you two just look so sweet,” Steve snickered coming back into the room, and happily, Chad flipped him off turning his head to say something to Mike only to find him asleep. When Steve covered then with a quilt, Chad nodded his thanks and watched the other man as he settled down with his guitar on the other side of the room.
“This all must have been the last thing you ever expected to be dealing with today,” Chad said softly and Steve snorted and nodded running his fingers lightly over the strings playing nothing specifically.
“You have no idea,” Steve responded equally softly not wanting to wake Mike any more than Chad did.
“This morning when I woke up, I thought I was with a man who loved me and was in this great relationship. Now I find out he’s a lying bastard, and the only greatness was in my head. It would be easy to be pissed off at Jared, if it wasn’t for the fact that deep down I think I knew all this crap all along and just didn’t want to admit to it. All Jared did was force me to face the reality I wanted to pretend didn’t exist. Without Jensen around, it was easier to pretend that everything I suspected was in my head, and that I was really living this wonderful life, than to admit I’m a gutless bastard who let down one of my oldest friends.”
Steve shifted again, moving his hands from the strings to stroke the smooth wood of the body. Chad watched him eye his pack of cigarettes before giving in and taking one out, lighting up. “When I think about what Jensen’s been going through and how badly I let him down it makes me sick. Jesus, if it weren’t for Jay, we’d be fucked and I have no idea how to pay that guy back for the debt we all owe him.”
Chad nods quietly not responding right away. “Jay’s always liked you, ya know. Always thought you were a stand up guy. I am honestly surprised that he didn’t confront you before now, ‘cause that’s pretty standard Jared. He’s not very good at the stand back and wait concept when two of his friends aren’t getting along. He’s more of a 'jump in and force them to fix it' kinda guy. But, yeah, I know what you mean about the owing him thing. Shit, I know him better than anyone does. I should have known he’d do this, shoulda known he was doing this, and yet I just readily believed his pretty words, of ‘I’m ok’ when I shoulda known he wasn’t.”
“I think though the best way you can pay him back at this point, is just to be his friend. This crap with Jensen just drags him so far down sometimes, and he gets so frustrated ‘cause while I know Jay better than anyone, I don’t really know Jensen all that well. So, when it comes to specific advice on Jen, there isn’t really all that much, I can do. I can guess and give my opinion, but that doesn’t mean they’re very good.”
Steve nodded relieved feeling like he finally had a ‘job’ in this whole situation that he knew how to do, and figured he was pretty good at it. “Well that is something I can happily do. It really isn’t all that much of a strain to be Jay’s friend, ya know? Ya always get more out of it than you put into it.” Steve said smiling as he watched Mike sleep in Chad’s arms.
“So, how’s this thing going with you and Mike? I gotta admit man, I was a little surprised when I heard that you two had hooked up. Although if I think about it, which I honestly am trying not to do that much of, I don’t know why because you two have always kinda been two peas in a pod.”
Chad couldn’t be insulted at Steve’s words when they more or less echoed his own thoughts. “Yeah, I know what you mean, man. I was just thinking that I maybe should be freaking out about all of this a lot more than I am, but I’m not. I mean it just feels so natural to be with Mike, like it has always been like this and I just didn’t know or some weird shit, ya know? I just hope I don’t fuck this up, because my gut tells me this one is the one I really need to get right. Does that make sense?”
Steve nods looking up from where he’d been lost in his guitar as they’d spoken, putting his cigarette out in an overflowing ashtray. “Yeah, it makes perfect sense, ‘cause when it really means something it always feels like that. It just means this relationship it important to you. Not to say that your others weren’t, but something about this one makes it more important than the other ones, probably because there is more to you than being ‘The Douche’.”
“You know with what Mikey’s been though, you have to be careful with him, yeah?” Steve asked and Chad nodded smiling as he thought that made perfect sense. He was happy to hear that someone else saw in them what he did, the potential for this to be everything that his other relationships, including his two marriages, hadn’t been.
He must have fallen asleep at some point, because when he woke up, Jared and Jensen had come out of the guest room. He guessed that they’d made up because Jensen was resting comfortably seated between Jared’s legs, his back resting against Jay’s chest, as he talked softly to Steve while Jared seemed to be just happy to listen. He didn’t realize Mike was awake, until he looked down to see him watching him almost shyly, and Chad couldn’t resist kissing him softly, almost forgetting in that moment that they weren’t alone. Mike didn’t seem to mind though, if the blinding smile that lit up his face afterwards was any indication.
Finally remembering that they weren’t the only ones in the room, Chad peered over Mike’s shoulder to see Jared watching him with one of his big ol’ grins on his face. Chad couldn’t stop the blush that crossed his cheeks when Jared winked at him. Chad figured he should say something to defend himself, but Mike’s wandering fingers drew his attention. Jared’s mocking laughter faded into the background as he focused his attention on Mike’s mouth once more.
Jared had been only paying half attention to Steve and Jensen’s conversation, content instead to watch Mike and Chad bask in what appeared to be a relationship growing steadily more and more intimate. He was happy for them though, despite the fact that he hadn’t ironed out all his frustrations with Mike over his part in Jensen’s downfall. Jared was slowly learning to accept the people that were at least now trying to help, and focus his attention on the real trouble, like Christian.
Just the thought of the man’s name made Jared tense, and looking down saw Jensen had noticed, turning concerned eyes upward to look at his boyfriend. Sighing, Jared kissed Jensen’s forehead taking a deep breath to try to calm himself, as he noticed Steve watching him as if he knew what Jared was thinking.
“So, Steve,” Jensen started, finally pulling his eyes away from his boyfriend, once he’d realized whatever it was that was bothering Jay, wasn’t going to be shared in front of their friends. “What exactly was it you were trying to get at earlier before I realized Jay was here? To be honest I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.”
Sighing, Steve nodded taking a sip of the beer next to him before re-starting the conversation he’d been trying to have with Jensen earlier. “Ya know Jen, I am sure you are more than aware of it by now, but it’s a good thing for all of us that Jared came along. ‘Cause apparently none of the rest of us had enough working brain cells to see beyond a foot in front of us. All this time you and I been fightin’, or I guess I should say I’ve been fightin ’ and you’ve probably been just hurt and upset over how I was actin’ like a jackass. I swear to ya though, Jen, I really thought you had to have known what you’d done to piss me off and were just bein’ stubborn about it because you didn’t want to let Jared know how you’d fucked up even more than he knew.”
“If Jared hadn’t come lookin’ for me to get some answers on this thing between you and Chris, then I might never have pulled my head out. I never would have admitted to shit that I really should have known, and if I would be honest at least had a strong suspicion of.”
Steve paused to sigh and Jensen just shook his head still confused. “Steve, man, I’m sorry I just, I still don’t understand.”
Steve nodded holding up a hand. “I know man, just be patient for a sec, ok?”
Scrubbing his face with his hands, Steve then turned his full attention to Jensen. again. “All this time while we’ve been fightin’ I’ve been so goddamned pissed off at you for crap that I thought you had done, sittin’ around so full of myself, feelin’ completely justified in how I was treatin’ you even though it was complete crap. The thing that really just bites all kinds of ass is that even if you had done the bullshit I thought you did, now that I know the truth and have had time to look at all of this objectively, I still had no right to treat you the way I’ve been.”
“An’, it isn’t even just this, Jen. I’m talkin’ the whole kit and caboodle. When you first introduced me to Chris, I thought he was a jackass, and yet I let him fuck with my head, and make me forget that you were my friend first. I should have been loyal to you before Chris, and I wasn’t, and for that, I am sorry. For all the times I made you wait to come see me ‘til Chris left like I was ashamed of you, treatin’ you like some kinda dirty secret, I am sorry. For treatin’ you like my friendship was somethin’ you had to prove you still deserved, I am sorry. And, for trustin’ Chris’ word and not even giving you the chance to just KNOW what the crap was going on, let alone taking his word for anything when I know he’s a lying bastard, I am sorry.”
Steve took a second to stare off into space before refocusing on Jensen once more. “I fucked up Jensen. The shambles that our friendship became is on me. If I had used the brain God gave me, if I’d had an ounce of the loyalty Jared has, this never woulda gone on as long as it did, and that’s a debt that I doubt I will ever get paid. I know you probably don’t trust me anymore, and I am sure that you aren’t real positive what tryin’ to mend things will get you, but I swear if you try, I’ll do my best to make it up to you, man.”
“I don’t,” Jensen started stumbling over his words because of the thickness in his throat. Jared comforted him, as he’d become accustomed to, but would never take for granted again though - arms tightening and words whispered in his ear softly for only him to hear. “I don’t understand. You’re apologizing to me? But, I am the one who fucked up. I’m the addict. I’m the one who couldn’t be trusted. I’m the failure.”
Running a hand though his hair, Steve lit another cigarette glad he’d put off quitting another week. “You’re the victim Jensen. You got caught, it happens, shit in LA it happens a lot.”
“I was supposed to be your friend and that means that I was supposed to be there when you needed me, not bail right when it got a little hard or inconvenient. If the tables were turned you never would have given up on me, shit you’re almost as good at that loyalty thing as Jay is. Yeah, you fucked up too, and yeah you got some shit to make up for too, but that doesn’t mean what I did by turnin’ my back on you was the right thing. As the old saying goes, two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“So, yes, I am apologizing to you, and I really hope that you’ll accept it because I would really like the chance for us to be friends again. This time I swear there ain’t no Oklahoma bastard that’s gonna distract me.” Nodding, Jensen didn’t even try to respond, just pulled Steve in for another hug. Eventually, Jared suggested dinner was a good idea and assured Steve that he would explain things to Jensen when it was just the two of them.
~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~
Later Jensen laid in the guestroom with Jared underneath him, Jared’s hand moving up and down his back as his mind whirled trying to grasp the story Jared had laid out for him. Jared was just beginning to feel like he really was getting Jensen back. All of him not just parts, and had been anxious to get his boyfriend alone, even if it was because the two of them needed to have their own talk.
“So, you’re saying all this time Steve has been mad at me for somethin’ that Christian did? Somethin’ I reminded Chris he was supposed to do, an’ he didn’t, and then lied to Steve and said I DID?”
Jared nodded calmly, not surprised in the least. He was trying to be supportive and hold his own issues with Christian in check for the moment. “I don’t suppose this means we can kick the Oklahoma bumpkin out of our lives now can we?” Jared asked, and then winced, thinking, ‘ok so maybe the holding my own issues in check thing isn’t going to work so well.’
Jensen sighed and lifted himself up slightly to look at Jared’s face pushing away the familiar aggravation much easier than he normally could. This last bit with Steve was more or less the straw that broke the camel’s back, and even he couldn’t see that there was anyway Christian could explain his way out of this. Of course he knew that Jared would say it shouldn’t have taken this long to figure it out, but fortunately wasn’t actually saying it, because Jensen felt bad enough now that he was honestly looking at the real Christian.
Lowering his head to Jared’s chest again Jensen intended to only close his eyes for a moment before he and Jay finally got down to the talking he knew they needed to do, but soon felt himself melting at Jared’s touch, arching his back and almost purring. He couldn’t believe he’d let things get so bad between himself and Jared.
He'd like to say that he couldn’t believe that Jared had let him treat him so shabbily, but unfortunately, it seemed typical Jared. Now that his head was almost clear again, Jensen began to wonder why it was Jared let him treat him like that, and was determined that when they talked again he was going to get the answer to that question. Jared always talked about how Jensen needed not to take so much shit from people, but from Jensen’s perspective, that was like the pot calling the kettle black. Jared took more shit than anyone he knew.
“Jay,” Jensen panted his back arching into the stroke of Jared’s hands needing, wanting, longing for the things he remembered and had temporarily forgotten, had for a brief moment in time thought that he would never have again. “Need, Jay, please,” Jensen whimpered before feeling himself being pulled up, Jared claiming his lips with his own, centering Jensen’s entire universe once more around only the two of them.
Unlike earlier when Jensen had been trying to prove something to Jared, this time Jay was taking the fast and hard route, as if he was trying to burn every memory Jensen had of Christian right out of his mind, burn his every touch from Jensen's body.
Clothes were quickly stripped, positions reversed with Jensen finding himself looking up at Jared as he panted and begged, words flowing freely from his lips wrapping them in their very own paradise of ecstasy. Lube was found, fingers being pushed inside of him to stretch and stroke. Just when he though one more second of feeling Jared's fingers in him would tear him apart, the fingers were withdrawn and Jared replaced them with himself.
He was hard, aching and filling Jensen so deliciously full that he didn’t understand how he could have ever stopped wanting this every second of his life. Hands tightened gripping sheets, pulling the fitted sheet from the corners of the bed by his hands as his legs wrapped around Jared’s waist seeking something deeper, begging for harder, wanting to feel this moment forever.
Then when he was sure one more second, one more stroke of Jared's cock inside of him would shatter him; Jared was exploding, shouting his name, and screaming his love. Hard and needing still, his own cock having gone untouched, Jensen reached down to stroke, to bring himself to fulfillment, when his hand was slapped away.
Before he could argue though, Jared's mouth was wrapped around him sucking him hard and fast, his head bobbing up and down. Jensen barely had time to enjoy it, wished that he could have prolonged it, before he found himself shooting into Jared’s mouth tears escaping down his cheeks, as he cried out Jared’s name, begging for something he didn’t really understand, but wasn’t worried about it.
He knew Jared would understand for both of them.
Long moments later, Jared’s head resting on Jensen’s thigh as he ran fingers lightly over his lover’s leg, pressing light kisses into the flesh he could reach without having to move too much, Jared was almost startled when Jensen spoke. His voice husky and deep from what they’d just done. Jensen finally acknowledged Jared's earlier question. “I think that I don’t have a problem with never seeing Christian Kane again.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, Jared closed his eyes and let sleep claim him.
~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~
Chris fingered his phone, fighting with himself on whether or not he should call his mamma. He didn’t know what to do. He had no idea what he was doing anymore, had no idea what direction he was moving in anymore. The bright light of day had hit him, revealing dirt and sins Christian had been fighting hard to ignore. It was almost as if losing Steve had taken away his ability to pretend. Pretend that he hadn’t fucked up an innocent abused kid just for his kicks, hadn’t done his best to chase away Jared when he'd turned to him and asked for help in cleaning up the mess Christian had helped to create. Pretend that he hadn’t been lying to Steve for years manipulating to him, whispering in his ear sweet nothings as he shoved a knife further into his back.
It was hard to pretend now that he had real friends, that he hadn’t backed himself into a corner of isolation and loneliness where his only company was filth he knew better than to trust. Tom Welling, Christian snorted and rubbed a hand over his face. If he was Christian’s only friend, that in itself was a pretty blaring sign at how much he'd fucked up his life.
Once again he eyed the phone, his thumb hovering over the call button. He hadn’t confessed his sins to his mother since he was a child, young enough to be afraid of the monsters in the closet and the things that moved in the dark. Hadn’t confessed since his daddy’s spankings became more and more frequent and violent, the escalation coinciding with the frequency in the drunken wasted nights, as his mother just smiled and said, “Boys will be boys”.
“I’m not the victim here, I’m the monster,” he growled, ignoring how his vision was starting to blur from the tears he wasn’t going to admit to, but deep down, there was a small boy crying in the dark waiting to be rescued, who would argue that he WAS a victim. He was as much a victim as anyone else. Had his childhood beaten away as his mother smiled nervously and wrung her hands pretending that “boys will be boys”.
He loved his mamma. He didn’t doubt that. Didn’t argue that. He just wished that she would have once opened her eyes to reality and promised that some day it would be ok. Because eventually it had been, once a golden haired bohemian came into his life all easy going and happy smiles. Only then Christian fucked it up and now all he had again was that mother who still insisted that his father had done no wrong, “Boys will be boys”.
It took him ten minutes to dial the eleven-digit number, punching them in one by one, even though they were already programmed into his phone. The tears hadn’t stopped and his hands now shook, which was the justification he was using for why it was taking so long to dial the familiar number. He was going to confess his sins. He had no priest, wasn’t fool enough to go to a cop, his mother was as close to each as he had. He knew she’d be horrified, knew she’d be disappointed, and didn’t know which he felt worse about.
When he heard her voice he almost hung up, but then remembered she had called ID and would just call him back. “Christian?” He heard, her soft voice wobbling with concern. “Baby, are you ok?”
“No mamma,” Christian breathed as his chest began to hurt from the sobs wanting to break out. “I ain’t ok. I done bad things Mamma. Done real bad things, an’ now Steve’s left me, an’ I don’t know what to do anymore. Jesus, I’ma monster Mamma.”
“Baby, I am sure it isn’t all that bad,” she said quietly in that soothing voice she used when he was real little had had fallen outside and skinned his knees.
Closing his eyes, Christian began to speak softly. Starting off back even before he'd met a too young kid with green eyes and freckles in a club he never should have been in, and not finishing until Steve put him on his ass in the apartment they’d called home. When the line remained quiet on the other end, his shaking got worse sure he’d lost the only person he had left. “I know I done bad mamma, but please don’t hate me. Please? I ain’t got no one else but you.”
It took a minute, but then her voice was there again, quiet and hesitant, but there nonetheless. “Christian, you are my son, and I love you. I certainly don’t hate you, even if I am terribly disappointed. I just… I thought that your father and I taught you better than that, Christian. Jensen is a good boy, how… And Steve.” Christian could almost see his mother shaking her head through the phone.
“You have a lot of wrongs to fix, and ain’t nothing gonna get fixed unless you go fix it. I’m… I’ve never been this disappointed in you, Christian. I will have to tell your father when he gets home, you know I will. You… your gonna have to fix this, you’re just gonna have to, Christian. I’m… I’m gonna pray on it, but you have to fix this. You can’t just go around hurting people and… and… That boy Steve loves you.”
“Loves you more than himself I think, and you just… You make this right, Christian. You make this right ‘cause I would hate to have to tell your father you didn’t. You make it right.” Christian heard her sigh before he heard the line disconnect. He knew she’d call back later and kick his ass, but doubted he’d get any more helpful advice than he’d gotten this time.
Hanging his head he let it fall into his hands as he tried to pretend that had come anywhere near helping, and that his body wasn’t shaking at the thought of his father. He should have known better.
He should have known he was all on his own.
And, he was pretty sure he didn’t deserve anything else.
Chapter Five