The Offer
My brother took me to dinner at Shari's tonight. I'm so glad he's in town. I love my family and friends, but Kenneth is my favorite brother, and one of the very few people I can be totally myself with without worrying he'll take something the wrong way or be shocked by what I think or do or say. He accepts me. Completely for myself. And he loves me.
So what he had to say tonight didn't suprise me. I've been texting him, in the months since I stopped working at the hospital. It always amazes me and gives me a little thrill that it's as easy to text my brother halfway across the country as it is my roommate across town. He knows what's going on in my life, in my mind. He knows how I'm feeling. So lost and miserable. Since I found out he was coming for the two weeks surrounding Christmas and New Year's, we've been emailing too, and it's easier to put more words in an email than a text message. So more than just feelings, he knows circumstances and situations.
We've talked about this before, in the past. I've joked about running away, he's said I could always run to Phoenix. Tonight, he offered to let me live with him, rent free for six months. He offered me a chance to get back on my feet. He offered me trust and support. He offered me hope. When I learned he was coming up for Christmas, I thought about this. I thought he might ask me to come to Phoenix, and I wondered what I would say. How can I go? How can I stay when nothing is working? But I didn't expect how this offer would feel. I didn't expect to know that this was the right thing to do when he said it. But I do. I know this is what I'm supposed to do. This is what I need.
He told me I should sell my car and buy a plane ticket, and I thought about that. I thought about being so light and carefree, getting on a plane with just a carry-on, flying away to a new life. But I have more baggage than that, things I won't leave behind. So now I have to think, and I have to plan, and I have to figure out how to get to Phoenix. This may be my decision, but it will affect other people, and I have to do the best I can for the friends and family I have here.
So what he had to say tonight didn't suprise me. I've been texting him, in the months since I stopped working at the hospital. It always amazes me and gives me a little thrill that it's as easy to text my brother halfway across the country as it is my roommate across town. He knows what's going on in my life, in my mind. He knows how I'm feeling. So lost and miserable. Since I found out he was coming for the two weeks surrounding Christmas and New Year's, we've been emailing too, and it's easier to put more words in an email than a text message. So more than just feelings, he knows circumstances and situations.
We've talked about this before, in the past. I've joked about running away, he's said I could always run to Phoenix. Tonight, he offered to let me live with him, rent free for six months. He offered me a chance to get back on my feet. He offered me trust and support. He offered me hope. When I learned he was coming up for Christmas, I thought about this. I thought he might ask me to come to Phoenix, and I wondered what I would say. How can I go? How can I stay when nothing is working? But I didn't expect how this offer would feel. I didn't expect to know that this was the right thing to do when he said it. But I do. I know this is what I'm supposed to do. This is what I need.
He told me I should sell my car and buy a plane ticket, and I thought about that. I thought about being so light and carefree, getting on a plane with just a carry-on, flying away to a new life. But I have more baggage than that, things I won't leave behind. So now I have to think, and I have to plan, and I have to figure out how to get to Phoenix. This may be my decision, but it will affect other people, and I have to do the best I can for the friends and family I have here.