i thought for a while that your poignant smile was tinged with the sadness of a great love for me
It seems that I've formed a habit of wanting to move out everytime I am about to start my period.
It's usually fueled by needing to be alone, to be self sufficient, but also to be away from
everyone I know. I seem to get so tense and annoyed with my friends. I don't want to be like that.
I want to be able to care about them fully and love them fully and not feel like a shitface. I
don't want to feel like this, jealous or angry or irritated. I know it's not them that's fueling it,
I know it's my hormones. I know it's a need for self improvement. I know I can't move out, I know I probably don't really want to. I just feel this pressure to take care of everyone, and to me that
ensures an abandonment of self, not because I am being pressured to take care of anyone or even that
I feel like I'm ignoring myself, I am just that kind of person. I just find it a lot easier to make everyone else happy. And lately I've been comparing how often other people make me happy vs. how
often I try to do anything possible to make them happy. There are instances, good instances where I
was genuinely happy, but there are very very few instances when I have choosen to make myself happy.
I think this needs to change. I think I need to do more things for myself. I think I need to find
more things that I can do that make me happy. This really has nothing to do with anyone but me. I
think it's starting to sink in.
It's usually fueled by needing to be alone, to be self sufficient, but also to be away from
everyone I know. I seem to get so tense and annoyed with my friends. I don't want to be like that.
I want to be able to care about them fully and love them fully and not feel like a shitface. I
don't want to feel like this, jealous or angry or irritated. I know it's not them that's fueling it,
I know it's my hormones. I know it's a need for self improvement. I know I can't move out, I know I probably don't really want to. I just feel this pressure to take care of everyone, and to me that
ensures an abandonment of self, not because I am being pressured to take care of anyone or even that
I feel like I'm ignoring myself, I am just that kind of person. I just find it a lot easier to make everyone else happy. And lately I've been comparing how often other people make me happy vs. how
often I try to do anything possible to make them happy. There are instances, good instances where I
was genuinely happy, but there are very very few instances when I have choosen to make myself happy.
I think this needs to change. I think I need to do more things for myself. I think I need to find
more things that I can do that make me happy. This really has nothing to do with anyone but me. I
think it's starting to sink in.