(no subject)
I have it. The blasted Quinidrine Solution.
It's caused us a great deal of trouble in the past and getting just one dose from father wasn't easy. Not at all. I still don't know why he gave in.
It looks harmless. Just sitting there in that vial, blue restful liquid. Much like her at first glance.
I liked her at first glance. She was cute, informative. She seemed like she could hold her own. But then she changed.
Did she change because of being bitten? I don't know. Maybe vampirism emphasized her more difficult traits. Or maybe she left humanity without resolving her issues of it. Is this truly my battle to figure out? She belongs to Alex. He alone can tell her either to go away or to keep her. And yet...Alexander doesn't admit failure when it comes to her. Even when it's so blindingly obvious to everyone else.
She isn't meant for the life. She can't kill. She can't possibly handle the stronger emotions. She thinks she's free when she doesn't follow her music any longer because she's afraid. She's nothing but contradictions.
Yes, vampirism gave her natural abilities a polished edge. Would she then give up on music altogether if turned human again? If so, what does that say about her?
She says she loves her music. Yet, she wasn't happy at going to school at Julliards. She isn't sure of herself. She has no confidence, no self-esteem and I don't think she wants either. She's a damsel in mental distress, waiting for some sort of hero to show up and rescue her. The things she says can't be trusted because they're so impossible to follow. Her actions don't follow her words.
What's worse is that she's dragging Alexander down in her damned misery. In the end, she can mope all she damn wants to. But in the end...she has no right to bring Alexander, myself, or anyone else down with her constant whinging.
Who else sees what I see? Who else sees the fact that she's trying to take over my life, one psychosis at a time?
I get a car, she wants a car. I make a zombie, she wants to make a zombie. All are simple physical things. But when she wants the attention bestowed upon me y Alexander, without having to work for it for several years, then the lines start to blur and I have to see her as a threat.
She has disregarded me many times. She has insulted me, threatened my place, and yet...in the end, I'm still worried about her. It's only the physical, shallow things she changes. She doesn't change emotionally and I don't think she wants to. She'd rather sit there, in her misery, demonize Alexander and my father, and act like a brat who has been given nothing.
Is it not enough that Alexander bit her? Does he need to shower her with attention all the time? Alex has a busy enough time with everything else. He can't afford to sit there and hold her hand as she waits to figure things out.
If she could figure things out before, what the hell is stopping her from doing so? Maybe that extra dose of Quinidrine gave her brain damage.
She doesn't want to be mortal again. That should count for something and it does. I've got my own issues with a father who simply HAS to redeem me in his own way. Do I really have the right to do this to her?
No. No, I don't. I don't have the right. I'm not her Master. I'm not God. I don't say what she is to be and what she should not be. Only she has that choice, regardless of whether or not she's in her right mindset.
But then...does she have the right to bring Alex down into her misery? If she could never be happy, then what right does she have to inflict her pain on others? She chooses not to take anyone's opinions into account, even though she's always saying she needs them. She chooses to look after herself, not her family. She is self-centered, concerned with her own pain. And her own pain is nothing but made up fallacies.
Did I help create her pain? I think so. That night with Wolf and myself...ah, but it was still her choice as to what to do with herself. It was all still up to her. She chose to believe her parents abandoned her, even though they were killed.
She couldn't believe it when my father chose going after me instead of dealing with her. Even though he made preparations for her and tried to get back in touch with her and tell her what was going on. His two motivations were always to kill Dracula and to get me back. Even I could understand that! Why the hell couldn't she?
Because she demonizes all of those around her. Demonizes me, Alex, father, everyone who dares tell her no. Or does something bad in that twisted mind of hers. Maybe she's the one that's warped.
How much of this is jealousy speaking? How much of this is my own anger?
I don't know. I can't feel anger anymore when it comes to her. I think there's...there's pity. As for jealousy, I have Alexander. I know I have him. And I'm not doing our relationship any favours by doing this. With my karma, he's likely to tear my throat out..or worse. Kick me out. Or shut me in some place.
And then everything will be for naught. But...but I don't think he'd turn Sophie again. Would another vampire if she was to ask? And she will ask. That, I'm sure of. She will ask even the lowest of the low.
What about Nosferatu? Would he turn her? Or Carmilla? Or hell, even Otis? And if so, then she'd fall into their lives and become their headaches. But she wouldn't hassle Alexander anymore. She couldn't demonize him anymore. He wouldn't have to deal with her misery or her incompetence.
In the long run, I'm doing Alexander a favour, but still betraying him in doing so. I'll also be betraying Sophie and as for myself...I'll be lucky if I can walk away from this.
It's going against the rules of the game. It's not even funny.