Rude Person: Bat/Cat Rooftop Fightsex
So, there's this 'net meme called Rude Person Fic, and it all got started because of some silly trolls. Basically, you try to write a common 'ship cliche frightfully clever and wretchedly awful, at the same time, while acting egotistically sure of yourself. I came up with this one, specific to DC Comics fandom:
Batman goes on patrol while being emo. Catwoman is caught by surprise and vamps him. He can't help himself. They hump each other on, um, a gargoyle. Yeah. And Catwoman escapes. Nightwing sees and gets jealous. Then Batman goes home and broods, but Alfred makes him cookies. The end.
*(Clearly the slash variant would be to flip Catwoman and Nightwing's roles).
__marcelo took up the challenge, and wrote the Frank Miller version which was lollerskates, and I do encourage him to post it here. Obviously, I can't run from my own challenge, so I present you with:
Planet Gotham, as Narrated by David Attenborough
[Overhead panorama of the Himalayas, accompanied by majestic music.]
One of the largest natural barriers on our planet, these mountains shape the weather of an entire continent.
[Direct overhead shot, showing the divided slopes, one side a jungle, the other side a desert.]
The Himalayas. But our story begins halfway around the globe...
[Fade in shot of a city skyline against a fading sunset.]
On the continent of North America. This is Gotham City, one of the largest urban centers in the world. It's vastness can only be truly appreciated, from space.
[Way out shot from space of city lights, as a gnarled mass of bright spots, resembling a tentacle monster.]
The city boasts a broad ecosystem of herbivores, scavengers and small predators, all scurrying about through the maze of valleys created by the canyon walls of skyscrapers.
[A montage of clips, beginning with an overhead shot of a crowded sidewalk, people milling to and fro, with bags and briefcases, food, cell phones and then we roam into the alleys and see the beggars tucked between piles of garbage. Darting furtively between dumpsters, a hunched figure with a gun, followed by two more carrying knives and clubs.]
Dusk is falling, giving way to night and with it comes the larger predators.
[Zoom in to a shadowy figure emerging from behind a rooftop air vent.]
The Batman. He is a solitary hunter with a voracious appetite, and will take down several prey throughout the night. He has only begun the hunt, and is beginning on a circuit of his territory.
[Close up of Batman's face, then further out as he begins to run.]
He has spotted a burglar!
[Cue snappy percussion music as Batman uses a zip-chord to reach another roof, landing in a swirl of cape. He's up again, circling toward a moonlit skylight.]
It is the Catwoman, another solitary predator. While individuals of this species are generally loners, their territories overlap significantly, and at times they may cross paths. This will be a confrontation. Though the Batman is larger and stronger than the female, she is faster and, being aware of her disadvantages, more aggressive in her defense. The two hunters size each other up.
[Batman and Catwoman circle each other, each drawing weapons, and burst into a flurry of combat. The camera slows down, so the audience can appreciate the complexity of the exchange, as one punches or kicks, the other grabs, blocks or throws until both freeze again, at ready.]
This fight could go either way, or another direction entirely. The Catwoman abruptly changes tactics, acting as if she has dropped her guard, and approaching the Batman directly. Sensing the mood of the confrontation has changed, the male draws back and....
[Batman crossed his arms, standing straight while Catwoman taps his chest with the handle of her whip. They seem to be discussing something.]
...engages in a courtship ritual. Due to the species solitary nature, opportunities such as this one are limited, and he'll not waste it. The Batman puts on a display of his prowess, attempting to win the female's favor by standing tall as possible, strutting, making loud noises and flapping his cape. Will it be enough?
[Catwoman keeps sidling past Batman, smiling and then takes off running.]
The chase is on! Though it may appear that the Catwoman is attempting to flee the Batman, her actions have a dual purpose. Firstly, she is gauging his suitability as a mate by testing his endurance and agility, a necessary survival trait for the rooftops. Second, she draws him deeper into her territory, so he will be less likely to cause her harm if the mood should shift to something less favorable, a possibility with such an aggressive species.
[Catwoman slows, along the ledge of a gargoyle decorated building. She feigns surprise when Batman drops onto the ledge, but makes no effort to ward off his approach.]
Success! The environment is fraught with dangers, so their mating is brief. In the distance, a juvenile male keeps sentry, too young and inexperienced to challenge the senior. He is subordinate to the Batman, and will follow the older male through most the night.
[Catwoman is edging her way back down the ledge, while Batman is resting against a wall. She sees Nightwing and waves at him.]
Temporarily exhausted and disoriented, the Batman will not pursue the Catwoman as she departs. He makes a token effort to hunter her down again, but his routine has been interrupted and he has limited toleration for such deviation. Though it is early, he retires from the hunt soon afterward, and returns to his lair.
[Batman sits in front of a computer bank, typing.]
There, his pack members greet his return and an older male, no longer fit to hunt, provides him with the remains of an earlier kill.
[Alfred gives him a plate of cookies and cup of coffee. Scene cut to the rooftops of Gotham City again, before fade to black.]
Batman goes on patrol while being emo. Catwoman is caught by surprise and vamps him. He can't help himself. They hump each other on, um, a gargoyle. Yeah. And Catwoman escapes. Nightwing sees and gets jealous. Then Batman goes home and broods, but Alfred makes him cookies. The end.
*(Clearly the slash variant would be to flip Catwoman and Nightwing's roles).
__marcelo took up the challenge, and wrote the Frank Miller version which was lollerskates, and I do encourage him to post it here. Obviously, I can't run from my own challenge, so I present you with:
Planet Gotham, as Narrated by David Attenborough
[Overhead panorama of the Himalayas, accompanied by majestic music.]
One of the largest natural barriers on our planet, these mountains shape the weather of an entire continent.
[Direct overhead shot, showing the divided slopes, one side a jungle, the other side a desert.]
The Himalayas. But our story begins halfway around the globe...
[Fade in shot of a city skyline against a fading sunset.]
On the continent of North America. This is Gotham City, one of the largest urban centers in the world. It's vastness can only be truly appreciated, from space.
[Way out shot from space of city lights, as a gnarled mass of bright spots, resembling a tentacle monster.]
The city boasts a broad ecosystem of herbivores, scavengers and small predators, all scurrying about through the maze of valleys created by the canyon walls of skyscrapers.
[A montage of clips, beginning with an overhead shot of a crowded sidewalk, people milling to and fro, with bags and briefcases, food, cell phones and then we roam into the alleys and see the beggars tucked between piles of garbage. Darting furtively between dumpsters, a hunched figure with a gun, followed by two more carrying knives and clubs.]
Dusk is falling, giving way to night and with it comes the larger predators.
[Zoom in to a shadowy figure emerging from behind a rooftop air vent.]
The Batman. He is a solitary hunter with a voracious appetite, and will take down several prey throughout the night. He has only begun the hunt, and is beginning on a circuit of his territory.
[Close up of Batman's face, then further out as he begins to run.]
He has spotted a burglar!
[Cue snappy percussion music as Batman uses a zip-chord to reach another roof, landing in a swirl of cape. He's up again, circling toward a moonlit skylight.]
It is the Catwoman, another solitary predator. While individuals of this species are generally loners, their territories overlap significantly, and at times they may cross paths. This will be a confrontation. Though the Batman is larger and stronger than the female, she is faster and, being aware of her disadvantages, more aggressive in her defense. The two hunters size each other up.
[Batman and Catwoman circle each other, each drawing weapons, and burst into a flurry of combat. The camera slows down, so the audience can appreciate the complexity of the exchange, as one punches or kicks, the other grabs, blocks or throws until both freeze again, at ready.]
This fight could go either way, or another direction entirely. The Catwoman abruptly changes tactics, acting as if she has dropped her guard, and approaching the Batman directly. Sensing the mood of the confrontation has changed, the male draws back and....
[Batman crossed his arms, standing straight while Catwoman taps his chest with the handle of her whip. They seem to be discussing something.]
...engages in a courtship ritual. Due to the species solitary nature, opportunities such as this one are limited, and he'll not waste it. The Batman puts on a display of his prowess, attempting to win the female's favor by standing tall as possible, strutting, making loud noises and flapping his cape. Will it be enough?
[Catwoman keeps sidling past Batman, smiling and then takes off running.]
The chase is on! Though it may appear that the Catwoman is attempting to flee the Batman, her actions have a dual purpose. Firstly, she is gauging his suitability as a mate by testing his endurance and agility, a necessary survival trait for the rooftops. Second, she draws him deeper into her territory, so he will be less likely to cause her harm if the mood should shift to something less favorable, a possibility with such an aggressive species.
[Catwoman slows, along the ledge of a gargoyle decorated building. She feigns surprise when Batman drops onto the ledge, but makes no effort to ward off his approach.]
Success! The environment is fraught with dangers, so their mating is brief. In the distance, a juvenile male keeps sentry, too young and inexperienced to challenge the senior. He is subordinate to the Batman, and will follow the older male through most the night.
[Catwoman is edging her way back down the ledge, while Batman is resting against a wall. She sees Nightwing and waves at him.]
Temporarily exhausted and disoriented, the Batman will not pursue the Catwoman as she departs. He makes a token effort to hunter her down again, but his routine has been interrupted and he has limited toleration for such deviation. Though it is early, he retires from the hunt soon afterward, and returns to his lair.
[Batman sits in front of a computer bank, typing.]
There, his pack members greet his return and an older male, no longer fit to hunt, provides him with the remains of an earlier kill.
[Alfred gives him a plate of cookies and cup of coffee. Scene cut to the rooftops of Gotham City again, before fade to black.]