Breathing Room, Part III

[kjcp]

Title: Breathing Room
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R (for sex and language)
Type: Multi-chap, romance
Summary: They thought they had everything worked out; they thought everything was as perfect as it could be, but there was one thing Sirius wanted that Remus wouldn’t give him and it was beginning to drive him mad.
Author’s Notes: Written in 4 parts. A sequel to The Sharing of Breath, but written in such a way that reading the first story is unnecessary. If you would like to read it, you can do so here: The Sharing of Breath Series ALSO, un-beta'ed so if you see any mistakes, please comment to let me know.

( Part I )
( Part II )


XXXXXXX

Part III: Planning for Tomorrow

XXXXXXX

Sirius only received two owls from Remus while he was gone to Scotland. One whole week, seven days. The first owl was short - Padfoot,

I’m here in Scotland, though it took us forever to travel (my dad insists on doing everything the Muggle way and he’s really nervous that someone is going to see me “playing with owls”). Can you go to my work and explain why I have to take the rest of the week off? If there’s a problem, perhaps you can take over my shifts? You know how to count Muggle money. I taught you all about pounds and that sort of thing, so I hope you remember.

-Remus
The second owl was much longer and Sirius was rather embarrassed about how many times he actually read it. In the end, after reading it for the fifteenth or sixteenth time, he set it on fire with his Muggle lighter and watched it turn to ash.Padfoot,

I think you’re the only person who would understand this: my entire family has done nothing but cry and commiserate with one another, but I’ve done nothing except watch them. It’s sort of like back in first year, before we became friends, when you and James would ask me to sit with you in the Great Hall during meals and ask me to join in a game of Exploding Snap, but we weren’t friends until after Christmas. I watched you lot, but never really spoke unless asked a question. That’s how things are here. I’m watching everyone and not participating and I keep thinking how I’d rather be at home. Or at your home at any rate.

Perhaps I really should be the godmother of Lily and James’ baby if I’m going to sit here and write you long letters. I think only girls write long letters. Or people having forbidden love affairs, who cannot talk in public for fear of being found out.

Wow - I read too much Muggle literature. Too much Muggle “shit” as you would say. Somehow I feel Never mind. It’s probably better not to write that. All right, fine, since you’re going to ask me about it when I get back, I’ll write it anyway. Somehow I feel closer to you writing this stupid letter. I don’t know why and Christ, stop laughing at me, please, because I know you are. It’s probably because it’s been six days since I last saw you and the amount that I miss you is a lot and to a really astronomically pathetic degree. I can’t help it. You think I’m pathetic, don’t deny it.

Burn this after you read it, will you?

My grandmother was Muggle, so I didn’t see her for a while. When I was first bitten by Gr I didn’t go up to Scotland to see her because my parents said I was scared of everything. It took them over a year to get me to leave the house and the front garden. Then, I became somewhat more normal, but we never visited. She sent me Christmas presents each year and a birthday present in April, even though my real birthday is in March. My father convinced her to come to our house the summer after second year. I was thirteen and already had that scar across my face (the one that goes right over the bridge of my nose) and she never believed me when I told her I fell face first into a tree. I saw her the summer after that and made the mistake of bumping into her after I got out of the shower (I was wearing jeans, but had forgot my t-shirt in my room) and she saw the original bite mark on my shoulder and the claw marks I’d made on myself during transformations. She was positive I was disturbed and she refused to ever come around again.

She sent me letters via Muggle post. At first they were telling me how I should try to go to church and pray. I never told you or James or Peter about it, mainly because I knew you would try to convince me to send her a curse through a letter, but I did write her back and after a few exchanges, I think she accepted my explanations that I wasn’t demonic or disturbed, simply very mischievous with rotten friends who tried to make me break rules, which mainly including sneaking out through a patch of thorny bushes to leave school grounds.

She never would have believed me about secret passageways and portraits who guarded doorways.

I miss her letters. Mum and Dad would never understand. Dad especially because he refuses to talk about lycanthropy and Mum frets and worries whenever I bring it up. So I’m telling you about why I’ll miss her because, really, you understand me better than anyone, I should think.

I excused myself to use the loo so I could come up here to the room I’m staying in at my uncle’s house and write you. My family must think that my stomach has exploded by now. My mum said to tell you she’s very sorry if she embarrassed you, but not to worry because she trusts my judgment. I’m not so sure my judgment is all that reliable - I mean, I’m in with you, for Merlin’s sake! (This is where I wink and smile so you know I’m only joking.)

I need to stop writing now. Make me stop writing, Sirius. Why the hell is my pencil still on this paper? I couldn’t find a quill in this Muggle desk. Okay, I’m stopping. This time away from you has been good in one way because it’s given me loads of time to think over things. I’ve been weighing the options of moving in versus not moving in. I’m still voting on the Not Moving In bit, but this missing you problem I’ve been having has really helped your case. So I’m still not moving in, but I’m more keen on the idea and more willing to give it extra thought. Because really, I miss you. Shit. See? You make me write bad words. I’ve got to go.

-Remus

P.S. I did have a dream about you last night. Remind me to tell you about it because this is one thing I will not put in writing.
It was the parts about missing him that Sirius kept reading. He knew he loved Remus, even though he never said it, and he knew Remus loved him back, even though he, too, kept quiet about it. But to read the words “I miss you” felt good. Felt more than good. And the bit about the dream - it really made Sirius want Remus back in London and back in London now.

It was a Monday afternoon when he finally did see Remus, although it was only when the other boy Apparated into his back garden to walk to work. Sirius immediately pounced, pining him to the outside wall of his house, pressing his mouth against his and fisting his jacket in his hands. They’d never gone this long without seeing each other since they got together and feeling Remus against him sent waves of electricity through his body.

“Hi,” he said, pulling away from Remus.

“Afternoon. Did you miss me?”

“Mmm. A bit.” Sirius inhaled Remus’ scent. “I burnt your letter.”

“Good.”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah.”

The letter had been very welcomed because Remus would never say those things to him in person. He would get far too embarrassed if he had to admit that he missed Sirius while he was away.

“Tell me about the dream you had?”

“Ahem.”

Sirius pulled further away from Remus and looked over; in his back garden, James had Apparated. Remus pushed Sirius completely away and cleared his throat.

“Didn’t know you were coming,” said Sirius, looking at James.

“Yeah. ‘T’was an impulse, but I can-”

“You don’t have to leave,” said Remus. “I’m about ready to go to work in another few minutes.” He leaned his back against the outside wall, looking very embarrassed, his cheeks very pink. Sirius stood next to him, hearing the way his coat scratched against the rough brick as he propped himself against the wall, and nudged him with his elbow. When Remus glanced over, Sirius winked and smiled. He pulled out a pack of Muggle cigarettes from his coat pocket.

Offering one to James, Sirius handed the other cigarette in his hand to Remus, who lit it with his wand and gave it back.

“How d’you s’pose the founders made the Room of Distraction?” asked Sirius offhandedly.

“The what?” asked James, inhaling and then flicking his finger against the cigarette, sending the ash falling to the ground, only to get melted into the snow that covered it.

“That room from Hogwarts that was full of shiny things and books and socks,” replied Sirius.

“I always thought that room was a broom cupboard,” said James. “Least that’s what it was whenever I opened the door.”

“You were always running from a professor, though, weren’t you?” said Remus. Sirius noticed that he wasn’t quite meeting James’ eye; Remus was so very embarrassed, the poor sod.

“I guess.”

“Perhaps it’s more the Room of Needs.”

“Needs?” repeated Sirius.

Remus shrugged. “James needed a place to hide so it was a broom cupboard. You needed a place to distract you, so you got a room full of shiny things.”

“And socks. Why would there be socks in a room that’s supposed to distract me?”

“If it’s a room that provides you with what you need, then it makes sense. You’re in desperate need of socks. Are you wearing any now?”

“Of course not. I hate socks.”

“So, there you have it. You truly own an awful lack of socks. You need socks or else one day your feet are going to get frostbitten.”

“My feet’ll be fine. Seriously, though, I want to know how to make a room change size and shape and fill up with useless crap to amuse me.”

“You need to get yourself a job,” said James.

Sirius took a drag on his cigarette, letting the smoke from the end curl up in the air. When he exhaled, his breath was gray, a mixture of smoke and breath against the cold. He looked at Remus and grinned. His eyes darted to James who was watching them as though they were something to be studied.

“I’ve got to get to work,” said Remus, tightening his scarf around his neck. When he met Sirius’ eyes, his appeared nervous and sad. Looking right at Remus, Sirius said, “James - turn around.”

“Wha-?”

“Turn around.”

Grumbling, James faced away from the house, his back to Sirius and Remus.

“Are you coming back here tonight?” asked Sirius very quietly.

“I don’t know ... Aren’t you going to pop in at work when my shift ends?”

Sirius nodded.

“All right, we’ll talk about it then.” A little louder, Remus said, “Bye, James.”

With his back still turned, James gave Remus a wave goodbye.

Sirius took Remus’ hand to stop him from leaving just yet. He kissed his mouth quickly and soundlessly and let Remus walk away.

“You can turn around now,” Remus called out before disappearing around the corner of the house.

Sirius grinned at James as the other black haired boy turned around, his cigarette almost completely smoked. James looked tired, dark circles under his eyes and his coat buttons were put through the wrong holes. Consumed with Remus before, Sirius just now noticed this about his best mate.

“Did your wife finally kick you out of the house?”

James shook his head. “No,” he replied, letting out a long breath of smoke. “She’s at St. Mungo’s now - Healer things, doing her job. I just got back from Surrey.”

Sirius pulled a face. “Why? Oh, shit, you didn’t go see Horse-Face and the Man with the Breadth of a Thousand Hippogriffs, did you?”

James blinked. “D’you just sit around your house thinking these things up?”

“No, they just came to me. But, really, Prongs, you got to admit, the man’s fucking huge.”

“He’s fat, yes, but Lily’s not supposed to know you’ve seen him before.”

Sirius waved a dismissive hand. “Yeah, yeah. So why were you in Surrey?”

“Suspected Death Eater activity. The Ministry is doing a lot, surprisingly, but there isn’t the wizardpower to go after every report of activity. Simply not enough men. I’ve been awake for nearly two full days.”

Sirius dropped his cigarette on the snow and took out his wand to Vanish it.

“Remus knows we already knew, doesn’t he?” blurted James, looking slightly embarrassed that he even asked the question.

He took his eyes away from James and looked up at the sky. It was gray and Sirius sniffed, trying to decide if it smelled like it was going to snow or not - it was hard to tell with snow already covering the ground.

“Dunno. He likes to live in denial.”

“That’s not annoying?”

“He’s not in denial with me. Just with the rest of the world. Still fancies girls, he says. What a load of rubbish.”

“Interesting. So he doesn’t know that Lily and I both’ve talked to you before about him. About relationship stuff with you and him?”

Sirius shook his head. “He didn’t want anyone to have ... confirmation that we were together. Questions, sniggering, comments of ‘oh my aren’t they cute together’ and so on.” He looked back at James. “Did it bother you that I’ve been lying for two years?”

“You never denied being Remus’ boyfriend - which sounds ... weird to say.”

“Mmm. Boyfriend. That’s not a word we say very often.”

“Though I knew what was going on. But Christ, I was the first one to notice, wasn’t I? That you and Remus were being weird. Kidnapped you to take you to Hogsmeade just so I could talk to you about it. But otherwise I didn’t ask. You don’t ask about Lily so I didn’t think I should ask about Remus. So. No. Not bothered by being lied to. ‘Cause I knew what was going on and you knew I knew.”

Sirius was slightly taken aback. Was he supposed to ask about Lily? It was all very confusing. “Er ... well, you always just come to me when you want to talk about Lily.”

“I usually don’t talk about her. I usually complain about the mad things she does.”

Sirius nodded. “Right, right. We’re not a pair of girls. No reason to talk about feelings and fluttering hearts.”

“Does your heart flutter? Merlin, you really are bent, aren’t you?”

“If you’re going to be an arse, you can go home.”

“You’d like for me to be an arse, wouldn’t you? Or, no ... I suppose if you’re the girl of the relationship then-”

“Don’t make me punch you, you giant sod.”

James held up his hands in defeat. “All right, all right.” He flicked his cigarette away and looked at Sirius, his eyes very grave. “You and Remus are ... good, though ... right?”

“Er, yeah.”

“You’re my best mate so I automatically take your side. You can complain about him, if you want to.”

“There’s nothing to complain about,” said Sirius with a shrug. “Wouldn’t that be weird? I mean, to talk about my relationship?”

“I don’t want to know the details. About ... tops and bottoms or whatever Remus said when we all met up at the cinema.” James shook his head. “No, but anything else.”

“I suppose Lily told you about Christmas dinner?”

“Yeah. My mum’s still in St. Mungo’s so I’m going to spend the morning with her and then come here for dinner. Aren’t you feeling like total arse about meeting Remus’ dad?”

“I’ve met his parents before.”

“God, when I met Lily’s parents for the first time I practically shat myself.”

“That’s because you’re an idiot,” laughed Sirius. “Parents aren’t so bad. It’s cold. Let’s go in.” He opened his back door and walked inside, shedding his coat and throwing it on the back of one of the kitchen chairs. “What’s the worst they could do?” he asked as James shut the door. “If his dad disapproves, then he can go to hell.”

“That’s the right attitude, I’m sure,” chortled James. He sat down at the table and brushed a finger across the blemished surface. “Did you carve this?”

Sirius looked down at James’ hand where one of his fingers was pointing at the crudely carved REMUS.

“Er. Yeah.”

James sat back in the chair and shook his head. “Wow.”

“Wow what? Stop looking at me like that. It’s frightening!”

“I suppose I thought that this whole thing was just ... y’know ... sessorsumping.”

“What?” Sirius got up and went to the icebox. He pulled out a bottle of Muggle beer and handed it to James. After taking one for himself, Sirius closed the icebox and leaned against it, not too sure about sitting down with James yet.

“Sex,” said James slowly, “or something. I suppose I should’ve known it wasn’t just the ... sex ... stuff ... but it’s mad to think of you in a relationship. ‘Sirius’ and ‘perpetual bachelor’ seem to fit together better than ‘Sirius’ and ‘wizard with a boyfriend.’”

“You’ve thought of me and Remus having sex?” asked Sirius, his lips growing into a grin. “Kinky.”

“This isn’t funny,” said James, touching the REMUS again. Suddenly he jumped back and withdrew his hand as though the table had just burned his skin. “You two haven’t had sex on this fucking table, have you?”

“It’s not a fucking table, James. It’s a kitchen table. Basic vocabulary seems to be lost on you these days. ‘Pluralization’, I ask you!”

“STOP!” shouted James. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you and you make it goddamn impossible!”

“You’re the one who brought up fucking tables! Calm down!” Sirius shouted back. “No, we haven’t had sex on the table. Though that’s a rather smashing idea, now that you’ve mentioned it. If you want a serious conversation, you’re at the right place because my birth name just happens to be Sirius.”

“How does Remus stand it? He’s so serious and you’re so ... stupid.”

“Christ, what’s your problem? This hostility isn’t from lack of sleep.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine. You’re an arse. Either tell me what’s wrong with you or-”

“Your brother was there. In Surrey.”

Sirius dropped his beer; it fell onto the green tile floor with a crash, sharp pieces of brown glass scattered throughout a small pool of alcohol.

“When - when were you going to tell me?”

“I dunno,” answered James quietly. “I wasn’t sure I would, because you know how you are. You’d get all heroic and try to find Regs and then get yourself killed by Death Eaters and then Remus would be stuck in this house all alone.”

“Remus doesn’t live here,” said Sirius. “And don’t call him Regs. I haven’t called him that since my age was still in the single digits.”

“I know Remus doesn’t live here. Don’t go after Regulus, all right? He’s not worth it. Besides, he Disapparated with the rest of the lot. Didn’t see me, thank Merlin. I was hiding.”

“It’s not for lack of trying, I’ll tell you that much. And I’m not going to try an’ find my brother. He’ll get himself killed. Voldemort doesn’t give two shits about him.”

“What’s not for lack of trying?”

“Huh?”

“You said-”

“Oh.” Sirius pulled his wand out of his back pocket and pointed it at the broken bottle. He Vanished the entire mess. Going to the table and slumping back down in his chair, Sirius sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Remus doesn’t want to live here. Refuses, actually. Something about parents and getting sick of me.”

“I don’t think he’ll get sick of you.”

“Or afraid I’ll get sick of him.”

“Hmm,” hummed James, wrapping his mouth around the beer bottle and throwing it back, drinking most of it in one large gulp. “Lily insisted we buy a two-bedroom house.”

“Good on you, mate. But I know this. You’ve lived in that house since you were married.”

“Oof - excuse me,” said James as he let out a large burp. “The second bedroom is called the Muggle Room - or I call it the Muggle Room at any rate. It’s got a telephone and a television in it so Lily can talk to her parents and so when her dad comes over they can watch football. Her mum’s not really accepting of things at the moment. Doesn’t want to break up the family and so on and so forth - since, y’know, they can’t exactly tell people she’s a witch and Petunia is a sodding bitch.”

“God, if you find a point in there, please tell me.”

“Shut up, Christ, you’re so goddamn annoying.”

“S’why you love me.”

“Probably. Anyway - when we get hacked off at one another, we have a room to escape to. A room where we can calm down and stop being angry. You know. To give ourselves some breathing room.”

“Ohh,” said Sirius. “Oh. That’s a - well, actually that’s a rather brilliant idea. I do suppose everyone needs breathing room. Especially you and Potter nee Evans-”

“Call her Lily, will you?”

“-the way you two fight. She’s got that famous redhead’s temper.”

James laughed and nodded. “She does. Yes. D’you really want Remus to move in?”

Sirius shrugged.

“Have you ever cheated on him?”

Sirius heart skipped three beats. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“You think I would? I think I’m actually rather hacked off at you now.” Sirius felt his eyebrows knit together in anger and confusion. Cheat on Remus? The thought was repulsive and so farfetched that Sirius couldn’t even fathom it.

“I don’t know. You’ve never done it before. You’ve never not cheated, I mean.”

“Well, before I was snot-nosed teenager. That was rather a long time ago, when there were girls.”

“And now there’re no girls?”

Sirius shook his head. “No. Only, y’know, Remus. What does cheating on him having to do with him moving in?”

“Simply trying to assess the situation.”

“Are you smoking elfish bark again?”

“No,” said James, a sad tone to his voice, “Lily says no more since the baby is coming. Have to become responsible. Which is rubbish. A right load of rubbish. Oh, but assessing the situation? Before Lily and I got married, I wanted her to move in with me. She refused so somehow I think that led to us getting married instead. Doesn’t matter. Neither here nor there. But my point is, if I hadn’t loved her I wouldn’t have wanted to live with her. So do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Y’know. Soppy girl emotion stuff - d’you love Remus?”

“Go home, Prongs.”

“Sometimes I forget we’re men and therefore not allowed to have this type of conversation. Though I thought perhaps since you’re bent that there might be an exception.”

Sirius shook his head. “No, this is not an exception.”

“Too bad.”

“James - back to Regulus for a mo’ ... How did you know there’d be Death Eaters in Surrey? And you’re sure it was him? Absolutely without a doubt positive?”

“Sirius Arcturus Black, I’m sure!”

“Ahh! Not the middle name!”

James smiled. “Thanks for the drink. I need to probably get home before Lily does. I’ll see you on Christmas.”

“Right. Bye.”

XXXXXXX

When Sirius showed up at the café, all the tables were cleaned, all the chairs put up on top of them and the floor sparkling from where Remus mopped. But while Remus counted money, he was talking to Dahlia. Sirius walked over to them and jumped on the counter, sitting on top of it and smiling at the black haired girl.

“Hello. I didn’t think I was ever going to see you again.”

Dahlia shrugged. “I felt rather foolish and thought I’d apologize to Remus. Besides, in school we always read books that he’s already read and helps me with my essays. He’s really clever.”

“I’m standing right here,” said Remus.

“He also explained everything to me.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Oh? Everything? What does ‘everything’ entail?”

Dahlia shrugged and pulled on her blue jumper. “Um, how you two have been a couple since you were seventeen, how he’s gay, how you’re gay, and how since he doesn’t look at girls he doesn’t realize that any of them look at him. So any leading-on that I might have thought was going on was simply my mind just looking for something that wasn’t there.” Dahlia smiled. “But! I don’t really mind. My parents aren’t exactly helpful with school and I really do need drastic help with literature.”

“Well. That is everything, then, isn’t it?” Sirius looked at Remus, cocking up an eyebrow to say, Gay? You?

Remus wet his lips and rotated his neck: For her, I’m completely queer.

Sirius nodded. “Really, Daria-”

“Dahlia.”

“Whatever - Remus really wouldn’t lead anyone on. I don’t think he knows how.”

“I’m still standing right here, thank you.”

“Dahlia, I don’t mean to be rude-”

“Of course you do,” muttered Remus.

“-but there’s a very pressing matter I have to discuss with Remus.”

Dahlia blinked and gave Sirius a confused look. “What’s pressing?”

“My brother,” answered Sirius, but turning and looking at Remus. “James saw him with Lucius.”

Remus nearly dropped the mug he was hanging up in the rack above him. “That is pressing. I’m sorry, Dahlia, but Lucius is into a lot of illegal activity and ...”

“Drugs,” supplied Sirius, “and the like. We’ve been trying to rescue my brother for ages.”

“He’s younger and naïve,” said Remus with a sigh. “I’m all done here. I have to lock up and go.”

“James said we could go to his house and he’d tell us everything he saw.”

Remus nodded. “Right, then. Let’s go.”

XXXXXXX

They went to James’ house and Remus listened as the bespectacled boy told him about going to Surrey and how different Order members were tailing Lucius Malfoy, trying to track down Voldemort through him. Peter came, as plump as always, and listened and offered in his two Knuts, though his opinions were complete crap, according to Sirius.

It was nice; it was almost like being back at Hogwarts and sitting around illegally drinking Firewhisky. Sirius knew that Remus suspected something was off with him by the looks he continually shot him and it was true: Sirius wasn’t feeling particularly sociable, not with knowing his brother was into this Death Eater business. He knew before, but no one had ever actually caught him before so it was all speculation. Until now.

Remus made up a rather brilliant excuse about having plans with people from work and that he and Sirius had to go meet up with their other friends at the cinema. They both Disapparated and reappeared in Sirius’ back garden. Remus went into the house without speaking and pulled opened the icebox, getting out two Muggle beers. He handed one to Sirius who took it and watched as Remus undid Sirius’ coat and took it off before reaching into the pocket and taking out the cigarettes. He lit one and handed it to Sirius.

“Thanks ...”

Remus nodded and took off his own coat, draping it over the table and walking into the living area to sit on the sofa.

“You hate it when I smoke inside,” said Sirius, sitting on the sofa near Remus.

“It’s all right. It’s not my house to make the rules.”

“It could be. I wish it was.”

“Oh, Sirius. I want to - I want to move in, but the idea makes me nervous. What happens when we argue and need space away from one another? We won’t have that. We don’t have anywhere to go to get away. So what happens if we have a monumental fight? I’d have to go home with my parents and you’d get to stay in the house. It would always feel like your house.”

“So let’s look for a new one.”

“I can’t afford to look for a new house. I haven’t much money. The owner did ask if I wanted to pick up two more shifts, which would put me working there fulltime. I told him I probably would, though my blasted dying aunt calls for me when she thinks she’s finally on her death bed, which happens to be once a month.”

Sirius snorted. “He bought that excuse?”

Remus nodded. “It’ll be hard. I’m considering telling him I can work four days, but not five. Five would be too difficult with the full moon.” Remus paused. “Sirius ... are you all right?”

“Just m’brother. We’re ... well ... we’re brothers and he’s a complete jerk-off. We should be fighting on the same side. Not this ridiculous, like, Death Eaters versus the World shit. We’re more alike than people think, y’know? We both want to be ... liked - loved - but he wants it by the wrong people.”

Remus shifted on the cushion he was sitting on so that he now faced Sirius. He felt vulnerable underneath Remus’ gaze. They could always talk about anything, but somehow talking about how he felt regarding Regulus made him feel more open than he’d ever felt before, more naked than even when he was without a stitch of clothing on.

“We should be on the same goddamn side!” cried Sirius, the words bursting from somewhere inside him, as though he had no control over himself. “I hope all the Death Eaters die, Remus. I’ve been hoping that for years and now I know Regulus is one of them. I can’t want him to die or - or - or get arrested. Sent to Azkaban. He’s my blood. That’s supposed to fucking mean something. What if there’s another fight? Like the one where Fenwick was killed? Where only bits of him were found. Pieces. What if I find pieces of my brother? Goddamn it! This is so fucked-up!”

Sirius put the bottle of beer to his lips and drank from it, gulping it all down. He dropped the empty bottle onto the rug; it hit with a muted clatter as it rolled underneath the sofa. With a shaky hand, he put the cigarette to his lips and inhaled, feeling the smoke circle around in his lungs before he exhaled, up towards the ceiling. He blew a smoke ring and watched it rise and widen until it disappeared.

“Are you afraid of finding out about your brother the way you found out about your father?”

Sirius laughed, though it was a bit hysterical-sounding. Orion Black, Sirius’ father, wasn’t a part of the Death Eaters. He probably would have, had he not been mad, but his political views were known and he often gave public speeches that bordered on psychotic tirades. Because everyone knew his position on Muggles, Muggle-borns, and half-breeds, the Voldemort and his followers didn’t want him, afraid he’d draw too much attention.

He died earlier in the year; the reasons were unknown to Sirius. However, he hadn’t known that his father was buried in the Black cemetery until six months later when an owl from his mother caught up with him, berating him for not showing up at his father’s funeral. The death hadn’t bothered him as much as the not knowing. Being kept in the dark as though he was truly not even a member of the Black family. He didn’t want to be part of them and he had been disowned and ran away - but the past was inescapable, not matter how much Sirius wished he could completely break free from it.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, pressing his palms against his eyes, swallowing against a hard lump in the middle of his throat. “Why do I care? I shouldn’t. The lot of them can rot in Hell.”

“Sirius, it’s all right. You’re not crying, are you?”

Sirius shook his head. Remus had only ever seen one tear fall from his eyes before. He was too strong to cry. Or perhaps so weak he couldn’t let himself go. Either way, he didn’t cry and wasn’t planning on starting tonight.

“I wanted to change him,” whispered Sirius. “My brother, I mean. None of them ever loved me or ever wanted me. My parents hated me, my grandparents - but he - Regs - was the only one I thought maybe would listen to me. Maybe, might not hate me.”

“Sirius ...”

He groaned in frustration and looked at the boy on the sofa with him. “Remus, there’s something I need to tell you.”

“All right. What is it?”

Sirius hesitated. “Um.” He swallowed his bravery and lost it. “Lily said you could tell me what it was she said to you at the cinema,” he said instead.

“Oh. Is that all?”

“Well it’s very important. I really want to know.”

Remus smiled. “She simply said that if I really thought they didn’t know that I was thicker than she thought and then she asked whether I knew that she loved me just as much now and she did before we got together.”

“Oh.”

“Not very exciting.”

“She loves you more than she loves me,” said Sirius, pouting.

“Oh, now don’t pout.”

Sirius tried to smile, but even faking it was proved too difficult and he sighed instead. The sigh came out wavering, as though it threatened to bring about a round of tears.

“I’m such an insensitive berk,” said Sirius. “I’m having a fit because my brother’s a Death Eater and your grandmother died last week.”

“It’s all right. I’ve done my mourning for her. I feel better by being home.” Remus paused. “Er, at your house.”

“Remus ...”

“Not now.”

“But-”

“Look,” began Remus, raising his hands to try to silence Sirius, “it’s not as though I don’t want to move in because I don’t love you or anything. It’s simply that I-”

“That you need breathing room.”

“Yes,” answered Remus, looking surprised. “But so do you. Believe me, when you get moody, you like to be alone.”

Sirius suddenly realized what Remus had just said. “Do you really?” he asked.

“Do I really what?”

“Love me.”

“Oh.” Remus’ cheeks turned pink. “Haven’t I ever said it before?”

“Not really, no.”

“No, I suppose I haven’t. I do, though. You should know that.”

Sirius nodded. “I do. It’s nice to hear it, I suppose. I do, too.”

“Do what?”

And the courage that he had swallowed only moments before resurfaced. “Love you,” he said.

“I know,” said Remus quietly. He pushed some of Sirius’ long hair behind his ear. “You still look like you might cry. Come here.”

Remus moved forward and kissed him, hard and hot, as though he knew exactly what Sirius needed tonight. It didn’t take him long to shed his clothing and place a pillow underneath him, bending his knees up towards his shoulders so he could look at Sirius while Sirius took him.

They were equals in their physical relationship; they both were tops and they both were bottoms, only it seemed Sirius had usually been the bottom for a very significant amount of time. It was all right, though, because when he needed to be the one inside, the one doing the fucking, Remus let him. Of course it was all very odd to wrap his mind around, considering it took several months for Sirius to relent and let Remus do it to him in the first place.

Afterwards, they fell asleep on the sofa, only to wake hours later and drag their tired, sticky bodies to the bedroom, where they stumbled to the mattress and under the covers, entwining themselves together so tightly that there was hardly a bit of Sirius’ flesh not touched by Remus. It was these times, when they knew exactly what the other wanted, what the other needed, when they knew the perfect touches, the precise words, that it seemed as though they were but one mind and one body. One person broken up into two halves, just lucky enough to have found one another.

Sirius just hoped that no matter what else happened, no matter the rows between them or the fight against Voldemort, that he’d be able to keep them this way. To keep them as a whole, complete, unbroken and constant. That would be his Christmas wish, if anyone asked (which they didn’t anymore), and as he saw it, only one Christmas dinner stood in the way of this, but they would get through it, together, and come out stronger in the end. Well, stronger if they didn’t get poisoned by their own rotten cooking skills - though that is why he’d got Lily to agree to help them. Sirius just hoped it would be enough.

The next week, the one right before Christmas, Sirius saw Remus only when he Apparated to walk to work. He stayed the night, as he usually did, but they didn’t have any extra time alone together. Normally this would have frustrated Sirius, but now he was glad because it gave him more time to work on his project. A project for Remus, to show him the things he was willing to do to have them live together and have everything work out. Because of all the people that were supposed to love him didn’t and Remus was one person who gave his love freely and honestly, even though he didn’t have to. And this was something Sirius would not give up without a fight.

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End Part III

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As always, links to all my fics (divided up by pairings) can be found here: Click Me