There are three different responses your post has me wanting to make.
The first, in answer to your actual question, no, I've never felt that you had an off-putting demeanor of any sort. Or, if I did, it was so long ago that I can't remember, but really, what I read off you when I see you from a distance at parties and social gatherings is that if you are feeling well, you give off a very supportive and non-judgmental air, making people feel safe talking to you. I always guessed that was part of why children take to you instantly: you never appear to be judging. If you're not feeling well I read that on you, too, and get the feeling that I shouldn't approach if I'm not in a head space to help. NOT that you are off-putting in any way then, either, just that I will feel bad if I don't feel I can stay with you and help you feel better, because I will feel guilty. I suspect that, like me, you show your emotions more honestly to the outside world than to yourself, so perhaps you show your anger and frustration, even when you don't know you are feeling them. I know I do.
The second response, which is completely not at all what you were asking, has to do with the scenario you described. As I read it, I immediately wondered if the companion in question has any history of "retaliatory" or "passive-punishing" behavior. He complained to you and you handled it in what sounds like an even, adult manner by apologizing and acknowledging. If he had been angry or internally frustrated when he came to you, and you responded in such a reasonable manner, his anger might have had no where to go. He can't get mad at you, because you've just accepted the criticism. So it sits there. Then, a little while later, you mention something that he had done in error. Now it's up to him to reply with the same level of even-keeled maturity, by acknowledging the error and apologizing. But, perhaps his emotions are still off balance from earlier. Or perhaps he's just not as emotionally mature as you. So he's awkward, and all jangled-nerves inside because the right thing for him to do is to behave in a manner in which he's not prepared to behave. The day is awkward for both of you, and maybe he's going back and forth between feeling like it's his fault for saying something the first time, feeling like it's his fault for making an error later, or not responding well to it, and feeling like it can't be all his fault and looking to you. Finally you have a chance to talk, and he tells you that the way you act unconsciously makes him uncomfortable. ... In my reading of the scenario, it's all too messy to take any one part of it and blow it up out of proportion. It seems that the exchange has to be read holistically, and not that this "incidentally" happened to best be the best juncture to mention a long-standing behavior. It seems that in this kind of complex situation it's hard to take the criticism at face value, (so to speak... ha, ha, "face," get it?) because the person making it might have been feeling defensive when making it.
Thirdly, in the classic LJ manner of "enough about you, let's talk about me," ;-) I'll say that recently I've been struck by the horrifying expressions on my face in candid group photos. I saw one from Baitcon that showed three people sitting together, two smiling and relaxed, and one, me, scowling like I had never been happy in the history of this green earth. I know when I see a person looking like I did in that image I think "what a sour person!" so I've been making a new effort to keep a smile on my face. I'm sure I have weird neutral-face most of the time, but whenever I think of it I smile absent-mindedly (kind of like doing kegal exercises while driving). I try to imagine there's a kitten on my lap, or on the chair in front of me, and work to hold that smile. If you see it working on me, let me know and I'll keep it up. If you see me looking constipated, though, I'm probably just doing kegals. ;-)
This person and I are on different wavelengths and it's taking quite a while for us to tune into each other. I think we're managing it, but it's slow going. I suspect that we'd be unlikely to be friends if we weren't working together, which is an entirely different and thought-provoking topic.
I look horrible in photographs in general. I've always suspected it's because so much of whatever attractiveness I have is in my personality, not in my appearance, and since most photographs can't capture movement/energy, I just look like a no-chin cranky bitch.
I suspect that we'd be unlikely to be friends if we weren't working together, which is an entirely different and thought-provoking topic.
Yeah, this is a thought-provoking topic for me, too. I have a great appreciation for the role of "co-worker" in my life. There are people at school I'm fond of and we get along great, but I couldn't really see myself hangin' with them outside of that environment. And there are people I don't much like at all with whom I have to find a wavelength and deal and they have to do the same to deal with me. I like to believe that the practice in resonating on different wavelengths helps keep us flexible. It's a big topic, though, definitely.
The first, in answer to your actual question, no, I've never felt that you had an off-putting demeanor of any sort. Or, if I did, it was so long ago that I can't remember, but really, what I read off you when I see you from a distance at parties and social gatherings is that if you are feeling well, you give off a very supportive and non-judgmental air, making people feel safe talking to you. I always guessed that was part of why children take to you instantly: you never appear to be judging. If you're not feeling well I read that on you, too, and get the feeling that I shouldn't approach if I'm not in a head space to help. NOT that you are off-putting in any way then, either, just that I will feel bad if I don't feel I can stay with you and help you feel better, because I will feel guilty. I suspect that, like me, you show your emotions more honestly to the outside world than to yourself, so perhaps you show your anger and frustration, even when you don't know you are feeling them. I know I do.
The second response, which is completely not at all what you were asking, has to do with the scenario you described. As I read it, I immediately wondered if the companion in question has any history of "retaliatory" or "passive-punishing" behavior. He complained to you and you handled it in what sounds like an even, adult manner by apologizing and acknowledging. If he had been angry or internally frustrated when he came to you, and you responded in such a reasonable manner, his anger might have had no where to go. He can't get mad at you, because you've just accepted the criticism. So it sits there. Then, a little while later, you mention something that he had done in error. Now it's up to him to reply with the same level of even-keeled maturity, by acknowledging the error and apologizing. But, perhaps his emotions are still off balance from earlier. Or perhaps he's just not as emotionally mature as you. So he's awkward, and all jangled-nerves inside because the right thing for him to do is to behave in a manner in which he's not prepared to behave. The day is awkward for both of you, and maybe he's going back and forth between feeling like it's his fault for saying something the first time, feeling like it's his fault for making an error later, or not responding well to it, and feeling like it can't be all his fault and looking to you. Finally you have a chance to talk, and he tells you that the way you act unconsciously makes him uncomfortable. ... In my reading of the scenario, it's all too messy to take any one part of it and blow it up out of proportion. It seems that the exchange has to be read holistically, and not that this "incidentally" happened to best be the best juncture to mention a long-standing behavior. It seems that in this kind of complex situation it's hard to take the criticism at face value, (so to speak... ha, ha, "face," get it?) because the person making it might have been feeling defensive when making it.
Thirdly, in the classic LJ manner of "enough about you, let's talk about me," ;-) I'll say that recently I've been struck by the horrifying expressions on my face in candid group photos. I saw one from Baitcon that showed three people sitting together, two smiling and relaxed, and one, me, scowling like I had never been happy in the history of this green earth. I know when I see a person looking like I did in that image I think "what a sour person!" so I've been making a new effort to keep a smile on my face. I'm sure I have weird neutral-face most of the time, but whenever I think of it I smile absent-mindedly (kind of like doing kegal exercises while driving). I try to imagine there's a kitten on my lap, or on the chair in front of me, and work to hold that smile. If you see it working on me, let me know and I'll keep it up. If you see me looking constipated, though, I'm probably just doing kegals. ;-)
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I look horrible in photographs in general. I've always suspected it's because so much of whatever attractiveness I have is in my personality, not in my appearance, and since most photographs can't capture movement/energy, I just look like a no-chin cranky bitch.
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Yeah, this is a thought-provoking topic for me, too. I have a great appreciation for the role of "co-worker" in my life. There are people at school I'm fond of and we get along great, but I couldn't really see myself hangin' with them outside of that environment. And there are people I don't much like at all with whom I have to find a wavelength and deal and they have to do the same to deal with me. I like to believe that the practice in resonating on different wavelengths helps keep us flexible. It's a big topic, though, definitely.
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