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Let's face it, raising kids in this day and age is a hectic business. When questions like 'Where do babies come from?' and 'What the fuck have you done this time?' come up, your kid doesn't know what the hell is going on and, more often than not, ends up crying in the bath tub covered in a mixture of bleach and a mysterious gelatenous substance I found under the sofa.
To help you through these difficult times, I have written a short guide.
1. Switch religion each month but don't tell the kid which religion you're now following. If he does something which your religion forbids, break his legs and make him sleep in the basement for the next week. When you run out of religions, make new ones up that specifically forbid being a faliure (note: he is a faliure).
2. When playing games with him as a young kid, you're always the 'Angry Loser', and he's always the 'Loser'. Remind him this before the game starts. Most games should be 'touch the stove' or some variation. If he doesn't touch the stove, he loses. If he does, then what the fuck was he thinking? If he asks why you're a loser too, tell him that every second you have to suffer his presense a part of you dies.
3. Develop an alter-ego called clownzo, who enteres his room on random occasions, laughs manically while force feeding him a brick, and then leaves. If he ever asks you about it, say you'll go ask clownzo, go down to the basement and laugh manically for hours while thinking up what you're going to do to him next.
4. Buy him a horse on his birthday. When he tries to get on, mutter that you wired up the horse to be angry. If he gets confused or asks about it, pretend you didn't say anything. When he gets on, inject a copious amount of heroin into the kid and hit the horse REALLY hard on the back with a hammer. This will teach the kid to be afraid of horses.
5. At 3:00am break down your kids door with a chainsaw, screaming obsenities about his mother, covered in blood and semen. If he asks you what is happening say 'Oh I thought I heard a bug or something. Goodnight.' If he asks about it later, point out flaws in his own personality and remind him that we all have problems.
6. Make up a family song. Most of the lyrics should be about how you've come to loath him and how much of a disappointment he is. Make him sing it to his mother. At gunpoint. At the end open fire anyway.
7. Tell him he isn't edgy enough. Buy him a guitar and ask him to play some jungle bop. Don't explain what jungle bop is, but get extremely angry if he cant do it. Bees in his cereal angry.
8. When he leaves his bedroom, he should never be able to tell if you're crying or jerking off, but either way he should know he's in trouble. This will teach him what a fuck up he really is.
9. One morning tell your kid he must never look out his window again. Then at night time you can sit outside throwing rocks at his window to test his loyalty. Remember, they don't have to be ordinary rocks. I like to write little messages on mine, so when they break through his window, he knows what little cocksuckers who break their windows from looking out them too much get in the morning.
10. Keep a dead mouse in your handkerchief. If he starts asking too many questions try to get him to eat it. Try to fit it into his mouth while he's sleeping too.
11. Bake him a cake. When he cuts it, he should discover it's made of melted plastic and is hollow on the inside. 'Just like my heart', you'll tell him.
12. 'Sass mouth' should be punished in turn with 'ass mouth' - Quickly and cheerfully does the trick.
13. On his birthday, give him clues to a treasure hunt. The treasure at the end should be the defiled remains of his dog that you told him 'ran away to the circus' a couple of weeks ago. This will teach him there is no such fucking thing as the circus.
14. Tell him there is treasure in the garden. Give him a shovel and get him to start diging. When he gets far enough down that he can't climb out walk over to the hole. Wait for him to tell you there is no treasure down there. Then say 'Treasure? Oh I meant to say bees!', and drop a bee hive down there. Kids love jokes.
15. Cut a circular hole in the top and bottom of a box. Stick it on your lap and tell him to reach in for a present. It's crude, yeah, but it's also a handjob. Repeat ad infinitum.
16. Tell him he is to eat a whole watermellon in one mouthful. On the way to the hospital, keep telling him 'I can't believe we're missing your grandmother's funeral for this.'
17. Buy him a bible at a young age and tell him to 'digest it'. If he's smart, he'll figure it out. If not, the bible's pages were soaked in LSD.
18. If he's ill you can't have him running around. Nail him to the floor. To ease his mind, the nails should be in a box marked 'medicine', and you should be wearing a hat. (At time of writing, very few children are afraid of hats)
19. If you're out and he starts complaining, ask him why he is afraid of the truth. If he says he's not, you can catch him out by telling him his mother died that morning.
20. If he needs to be punished, I've always found a simple clothes iron can make quite an impression.
21. If he can't sleep after watching a scary film, unload a round of lead into the television and tell him that it's coming out of his allowance. If he points out he doesn't receive an allowance, point out you don't have a son and tell him to get out.
22. Mark out the 'day of atonement' at a distant date in the future on the calender. As it begins to approach, begin reminding him, occasionally at first but increasing in frequency as time passes. Don't tell him exactly what it means, but stress the importance as much as you can. The night before, cement over his doors and windows. After he manages to break out, staple his tongue to his lips. After he missed the big day, anything he says will just make matters worse.
23. One day, ask him if he would like horse lips. The next day give him horse lips.
24. Take him to the forest to go hunting. If he shoots something, ask him 'Jesus, can't you go 10 minutes without killing something?' He won't understand at first but when he gets home and his room is filled with poisonous spiders, he'll get it.
To help you through these difficult times, I have written a short guide.
1. Switch religion each month but don't tell the kid which religion you're now following. If he does something which your religion forbids, break his legs and make him sleep in the basement for the next week. When you run out of religions, make new ones up that specifically forbid being a faliure (note: he is a faliure).
2. When playing games with him as a young kid, you're always the 'Angry Loser', and he's always the 'Loser'. Remind him this before the game starts. Most games should be 'touch the stove' or some variation. If he doesn't touch the stove, he loses. If he does, then what the fuck was he thinking? If he asks why you're a loser too, tell him that every second you have to suffer his presense a part of you dies.
3. Develop an alter-ego called clownzo, who enteres his room on random occasions, laughs manically while force feeding him a brick, and then leaves. If he ever asks you about it, say you'll go ask clownzo, go down to the basement and laugh manically for hours while thinking up what you're going to do to him next.
4. Buy him a horse on his birthday. When he tries to get on, mutter that you wired up the horse to be angry. If he gets confused or asks about it, pretend you didn't say anything. When he gets on, inject a copious amount of heroin into the kid and hit the horse REALLY hard on the back with a hammer. This will teach the kid to be afraid of horses.
5. At 3:00am break down your kids door with a chainsaw, screaming obsenities about his mother, covered in blood and semen. If he asks you what is happening say 'Oh I thought I heard a bug or something. Goodnight.' If he asks about it later, point out flaws in his own personality and remind him that we all have problems.
6. Make up a family song. Most of the lyrics should be about how you've come to loath him and how much of a disappointment he is. Make him sing it to his mother. At gunpoint. At the end open fire anyway.
7. Tell him he isn't edgy enough. Buy him a guitar and ask him to play some jungle bop. Don't explain what jungle bop is, but get extremely angry if he cant do it. Bees in his cereal angry.
8. When he leaves his bedroom, he should never be able to tell if you're crying or jerking off, but either way he should know he's in trouble. This will teach him what a fuck up he really is.
9. One morning tell your kid he must never look out his window again. Then at night time you can sit outside throwing rocks at his window to test his loyalty. Remember, they don't have to be ordinary rocks. I like to write little messages on mine, so when they break through his window, he knows what little cocksuckers who break their windows from looking out them too much get in the morning.
10. Keep a dead mouse in your handkerchief. If he starts asking too many questions try to get him to eat it. Try to fit it into his mouth while he's sleeping too.
11. Bake him a cake. When he cuts it, he should discover it's made of melted plastic and is hollow on the inside. 'Just like my heart', you'll tell him.
12. 'Sass mouth' should be punished in turn with 'ass mouth' - Quickly and cheerfully does the trick.
13. On his birthday, give him clues to a treasure hunt. The treasure at the end should be the defiled remains of his dog that you told him 'ran away to the circus' a couple of weeks ago. This will teach him there is no such fucking thing as the circus.
14. Tell him there is treasure in the garden. Give him a shovel and get him to start diging. When he gets far enough down that he can't climb out walk over to the hole. Wait for him to tell you there is no treasure down there. Then say 'Treasure? Oh I meant to say bees!', and drop a bee hive down there. Kids love jokes.
15. Cut a circular hole in the top and bottom of a box. Stick it on your lap and tell him to reach in for a present. It's crude, yeah, but it's also a handjob. Repeat ad infinitum.
16. Tell him he is to eat a whole watermellon in one mouthful. On the way to the hospital, keep telling him 'I can't believe we're missing your grandmother's funeral for this.'
17. Buy him a bible at a young age and tell him to 'digest it'. If he's smart, he'll figure it out. If not, the bible's pages were soaked in LSD.
18. If he's ill you can't have him running around. Nail him to the floor. To ease his mind, the nails should be in a box marked 'medicine', and you should be wearing a hat. (At time of writing, very few children are afraid of hats)
19. If you're out and he starts complaining, ask him why he is afraid of the truth. If he says he's not, you can catch him out by telling him his mother died that morning.
20. If he needs to be punished, I've always found a simple clothes iron can make quite an impression.
21. If he can't sleep after watching a scary film, unload a round of lead into the television and tell him that it's coming out of his allowance. If he points out he doesn't receive an allowance, point out you don't have a son and tell him to get out.
22. Mark out the 'day of atonement' at a distant date in the future on the calender. As it begins to approach, begin reminding him, occasionally at first but increasing in frequency as time passes. Don't tell him exactly what it means, but stress the importance as much as you can. The night before, cement over his doors and windows. After he manages to break out, staple his tongue to his lips. After he missed the big day, anything he says will just make matters worse.
23. One day, ask him if he would like horse lips. The next day give him horse lips.
24. Take him to the forest to go hunting. If he shoots something, ask him 'Jesus, can't you go 10 minutes without killing something?' He won't understand at first but when he gets home and his room is filled with poisonous spiders, he'll get it.