Fic for natsukashi_yume (1/2)
Title: Dirty Little Secret
Pairing: Akame
Word count: 18K
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: none
Notes: Saya, I really hope you won't be disappointed. The truth is, I started another story but then certain stuff happened and I couldn't finish it. So in the end, here comes your what-if AU situated in a world with no Meisa in it. A huge thanks to my beta who always found the right words to encourage me and poke me to write. The title and the lyrics were borrowed from a song by The All-American Rejects.
Summary: Shit got real when Jin wasn't watching his mouth once again, this time speaking his mind during a national broadcast…
Kamenashi Kazuya, dressed up in white trousers, an elegant jacket of a light blue color and a matching shirt with pastel stripes, flashed a smile to the camera taking him from a straight forward angle, a close-up to focus on his hair and the object in question of today's press conference that he was holding close to his head to show how the new Panasonic product should work, pleasurably massaging one's scalp. Too bad there were no batteries inserted for the presentation because Kame would have really appreciated a comforting head massage just now. There was an imaginary hammer pounding inside his skull and he had to do his best not to show off his current condition. Despite his growing anxiety, Kame was smiling and looking good, two things required for a room full of reporters who were, most probably, only waiting for a single mistake he would make.
Kame was determined to deny them such pleasure though.
The emcee standing next to him was dilating about the product and some others that were only to come out later this spring yet, while Kame kept his professional expression, counting seconds for the segment to be over. He even found himself slightly nervous, standing in front of all those reporters who must have been more than eager to throw questions at him.
And considering the events of the last two days, Kame was quite sure about the character of the questions he could expect. Unconsciously, his hand tightened a grip on a microphone when a sign was given to the press that it was the right moment for their questions.
Kame nodded to the first query, let out a light chuckle after hearing praises for how great he looked just now - a true idol indeed; then spoke a few words about how important beauty care was for both women and men, and how men should learn to take care about their scalps to keep their hair healthy and natural as well. He was just in the middle of acknowledging the delight of all the beauty treatment products being now available also for a home use so one wouldn't need to go anywhere to be taken care of from now on, when a dreaded question suddenly shot out from the restless crowd of reporters.
"Kamenashi-san, do you have a commentary on what was said by Akanishi Jin-san two days ago?"
The room was thrown into a loud, muffled stir, cameras were flashing to catch even the tiniest change of expression in Kamenashi's face.
Kame wasn't going to give them the pleasure of catching him off guard though; having been perfectly prepared for what just happened. Holding a neutral smile, Kame just looked around for one last time, offered an indifferent, disinterested face, reminding of a mime, save for a heavy white powdered face and a stripped t-shirt, then slid down from the chair he had been sitting on the whole time and left the venue, taking slow, calm steps.
He wasn't running away, after all. He hadn't done anything wrong. But since the Panasonic related questions had, apparently, run out already, there was no need to prolong the event. This shouldn't have been about Akanishi anyway.
Moreover, the instructions from the jimusho were clear and definitive. No one in the agency was allowed to talk about Akanishi's slip for now.
The less Kamenashi.
Kame could hear the fuss his sudden departure had set off just now behind his back and even long time after being already in the backstage and safe from curious, rather indignant reporters. It wasn't difficult to imagine the headlines of newspapers the following day… And just to make sure things wouldn't get out of control even more than they already were, Kame quickly found his phone and made a quick, informative call to his manager, telling him about today's incident.
Unlike two days ago with Jin's case, Kame didn't want to hurl the agency into yet another mess of startle without as much as a warning.
Keeping his mouth shut and being obedient, following Johnny's orders was the least Kame could do now anyway, when the biggest bomb had been already launched.
***
Who has to know
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
***
two days ago
"So… Jin Akanishi."
Jin winced at the sound of his own name and fidgeted uncomfortably in the red comfy chair he was sitting in, more like sitting on the very edge as if ready to jump up and run away in any moment.
The whole situation felt like a dream he couldn't remember having. He was sitting in a studio of The Ellen DeGeneres Show with the said Ellen sitting across a small table from him. Jin was nowhere near being a fan of hers and had been curious about the show only after his invitation had been confirmed. His solo debut album was going to be released in a couple of weeks and both singles had been doing just fine on the American market. It only made sense that Warner Music was trying to get Jin into the spotlights to present him to as wide range of audience as possible. Generally, Jin agreed to most of the management's ideas, mostly because the entertainment industry in the States was still quite confusing for him. Ellen's show was popular with one of the highest daytime ratings. If his manager thought it was a good idea to get Jin into the show, Jin was in no position to complain.
Jin had hesitated first only for being worried about his English skills - as much as he had improved during the last year, he was still nowhere near fluent, the less while being under pressure (he hadn't been any good in interviews even in his mother tongue, after all); however, most of his worries had been swept away when his manager had assured him that Ellen would be informed about everything beforehand and would respect that Jin was not a native speaker.
He couldn't remember the last time he had been so nervous; for a moment even regretted coming here.
"Jin Akanishi. The 'Takeover man', right?" Ellen said in a light, a bit teasing tone and there was a short footage of Jin doing different stuff on a screen behind their backs, shots taken during recording of Jin's very first US single. It seemed to be ages ago and for a moment, Jin was a bit taken aback. He had been expecting the interview to be about the soon-to-be-released album, and his head needed a moment to accustom to the newly set direction.
With a sheepish grin, Jin nodded, hands nervously pressed into his knees. His eyes, safe behind big dark sunglasses, were blinking and roaming around. "People call me like that?" A question out of pure curiosity.
"I call you like that," Ellen grinned. "Tell me, Jin - can I call you 'Jin' by the way?"
Jin nodded. Again.
"Because maybe 'Akanishi' would be better with you and I really want you to feel comfortable here."
"'Jin' is fine," Jin assured her.
Calling him 'Jin' was definitely the better option; that was something the US management had agreed on right from the start. Trying to sell 'Akanishi' in the States might have been rather precarious. On the other hand, his given name was short and sharp, easy to remember. And Jin had always preferred to be called that way if a situation hadn't required a certain level of polite manners anyway.
"Good. Then, Jin, what exactly are you taking over?" Ellen's eyebrow twitched in a smirk, yet her overall composure didn't change at all. In the end, Jin got a suspicion he had just imagined everything.
He was really, really thankful for the glasses shading his flicking eyes. "I… it's… this show perhaps?"
"This show? My show?" Ellen laughed, soft and sincerely. "You want my show? It's a joke, right?" The audience was giving a good reaction, nothing seemed to be forced. "You are not getting my show, sorry."
Jin grinned, showing Ellen his best shy smile and even making her forget her next words.
Things went smoothly then. Once it had been clear enough that Ellen would keep her show while Jin would direct his focus on music, they discussed an obligatory series of questions related to Jin's work in the States, his collaboration with other artists… basically all those things Jin had already mentioned elsewhere before. Then Ellen got slightly upset about not being able to see Jin's face, considered it 'unfair' because she had got quite a load of emails before today's show, in which girls from all over the world were begging her to make Jin show his face.
"I'm not taking the glasses off though. I like them," Jin was struggling.
"Well, I really like my pajamas with teddy bears but you would hardly meet me on the street wearing them."
"Not like that. Glasses are… they are a sort of protection. I feel safer. More comfortable. The feeling girls have when for example wearing…a bra, you know?"
"So wearing sunglasses is like wearing a bra. Really?" Again, the soft, innocent teasing.
"Yes. Everybody wears it. You do, too. I guess…"
"You think I do?" Ellen challenged him. "Were you spying on me in a dressing room or…"
"NO! I mean…"
"Calm down, samurai. If you were, you would know I do not have any on right now. So be fair and take the annoying glasses off."
And just when Jin was almost sure his face must have resembled the dark red color of the seats they were sitting in, completely embarrassed for the rest of his life, Ellen seemed to take pity on him and switched the topic, going back to things Jin didn't have problems with. His dark glasses though, had been pushed up and secured in his hair. Luckily, it wasn't such a problem anymore because the following topics were, actually, quite safe.
Things he liked about America. People he would like to work with there. His Hollywood debut later this year. What it had been like working with Keanu Reeves. Once again the old story about Jin and Keanu playing chess. About Jin having to learn to ride a horse properly, and fighting with a katana.
And then they were back to his career in Japan; to how he was trying to balance his life between two countries. He only staggered upon a question about where he felt more like being home. Recently, he had spent more time in the States while working on his second single and also getting ready for a tour. However, there were still certain things he missed about Japan when not being there. Japan was definitely his 'home' in the sense of feeling good there and having his roots there, family and friends. Most of his memories were connected to Japan and people he knew there…
He missed Japanese food at times.
"Really?" Ellen asked, for one reason or another visibly interested in the food topic more than a moment ago while talking about Jin's upcoming movie. "We have a couple of really great Japanese restaurants around here as well. Have you tried the food there?"
Jin nodded. He had tried; the cast of 47Ronin had gone out for a dinner to such a restaurant to celebrate a particularly hard and exhausting filming day back then. However, the food itself wasn't the only reason Jin missed eating at home. "Some of the Japanese restaurants I have been to were really great. Delicious food. Everything tasted really yummy. However, eating food is also about who you eat with. Who your company is. Don't you think?"
"So you miss your friends when you are here. Your family."
"Yeah," another nod, and Jin was staring at his knees, not able to raise his head and look at either Ellen or the camera; his mind being flooded with images of how different his life was when being back in Japan for longer than a couple of rushed days. "It's the feeling when someone cooks and I can just sit there and watch, we talk and when the food is almost ready, I'm the one to taste it and give my opinion." Jin chuckled at a random memory. "And then we, of course, fight a little because Kazuya's view of a good meal is slightly different from mine, so in the end, I'm the one asking 'why did you want to know my opinion then?' while he finishes the cooking according to his taste. One of these days, we might break up just because of the way he slices meat. But then again, Kazuya's curry is definitely the best. There's sure more than a grain of truth in the saying that love goes through the stomach," Jin gave another little chuckle.
Maybe he should have just admitted that he missed Kazuya the most.
Ellen tilted her head in surprise. She surely hadn't been expecting her today's guest to suddenly start talking so freely. From all the interviews she had watched with Jin Akanishi before inviting him over, the guy was really careful about the amount of personal information he said whenever asked. And now he was sitting there and the interview had reached a certain point when… "Kazuya, huh?"
Jin was nodding the whole time, finally quite relaxed and not as self-conscious as before. Only thinking about Kazuya was kind of soothing.
"I suppose this Kazuya is someone close to you?"
"Kazuya is my closest -" The words rushed out before Jin could have given it a second thought, and only late did he realize that talking about Kazuya on a national television was not the smartest thing to do. In fact, it was the direct opposite from everything smart. Jin bit his lip, suddenly looking small and vulnerable and sadly, not as invisible as he wished for.
There was no way he could talk himself out of this because while his body and mind were panicking, Ellen explained to the audience a very brief background of who might the mentioned 'Kazuya' be. She had done her homework just right indeed. A picture of smiling Kamenashi Kazuya was displayed on the big screen behind them, only to be replaced by a colorful composition of old, very old pictures of two young boys from years ago, and Jin knew his phone must have been already ringing like crazy.
His manager was going to skin him alive.
And that was still the better, brighter future Jin could imagine.
Those who had been predicting his overseas career to be a short-lived flop and were watching the show right now must have been having a blast.
"Do I understand it right that we are talking about the, obviously famous, if you spend some time browsing on the internet, 'Akakame' issue? Well, if that's the case… just wow," Ellen's words of astonishment were quickly drowned in a raising uproar from the audience. The show took an unexpected direction today indeed.
Jin wished he could wear the dark glasses again more than ever.
Fuck.
Johnny would get his head and balls on a silver plate the moment Jin would set a foot in Japan again.
A little Jin knew at the moment that everything would yet get much worse before the ending titles would finally save him from his personal hell.
***
It hadn't taken even 24 hours and Jin was in Japan, walking down a corridor leading to Johnny-san's office. He had somehow managed to survive the yesterday's flight, a way from the airport to his apartment, and also another one to the jimusho way too early in the morning today; all of it without getting caught by either press or fans. The shocking revelation was already everywhere though; shiny headlines and pictures of him and Kazuya on title pages were following Jin on every step since the very moment his plane had landed.
Jin had called Kame right after a call he had had with his manager - which was shorter than expected because the guy had lost his voice from shouting at Jin soon -, but talking over a phone to discuss such a serious issue couldn't have been enough. Kame wasn't the type to spend hours talking over a phone anyway, so all Jin had got was a couple of unconvincing words of assurance that Kame was fine and things were not as bad as they might seem to be. And that they would see each other soon
Now Jin saw Kame standing in front of the door of Johnny's office, waiting for either his arrival or for an instruction to enter; his face looked indifferent, neither amused, not angry, when his eyes caught a sight of the nearing Jin, and Jin quickly decided to take it as a good sign.
"Hello," he greeted the other a bit hesitantly. Was it already the right time for apologies? Or was Kazuya actually expecting any at all? Jin nervously grinned.
The grin was swept away right after though as Kame reached out and delivered a sharp, stinging slap to Jin's surprised face. The hurting cheek turned red and Jin hissed, snapping up and covering the burning skin with a palm, wide open eyes staring at Kame in disbelief. Well, Jin actually had an idea what the smack was for but still…
"Hey!" Jin pouted, rubbing the hurting spot.
He had been more likely expecting Kame to be giving him a cold shoulder or put on his impersonal, professional face to summarize all the reasons for why Jin should never be allowed to appear on screen again. Ever. If anything, Kame was really good at admonishing people about how unprofessional they could be at times, and Jin had mastered his unprofessional conduct already years ago.
"What the hell was that for?" Jin snapped and glancing up, met with Kame's snort. "Okay, I know what it was for. But why?"
"Are you asking for real?"
"Of course I am. If someone is to be screwed for what happened then it's me, don't you think? Johnny is going to skin me alive, torture me forever and then put me back to the Juniors and let me be a back dancer for a group of teenagers for the rest of my life. Oh, wait, that would be actually a part of the 'torture me forever' already."
Kame didn't look amused at all. Jin's whining didn't have an effect on him. "I have a meeting in an hour but instead, I have to be here, most probably to sort out your mess. I haven't really got that much of sleep tonight because my damn phone kept ringing all the time…"
"You could turn it off?"
"And miss you calling me. Or my manager calling me at 5 AM to confirm this meeting. You know that turning off the phone is not an option." Despite the reproachful undertone and the previous punch, Kame didn't seem to be really mad though.
"Oh."
"And," Kame sucked in a sharp breath, making Jin brace himself for yet another hit coming, but then he noticed the mischievous sparkles in Kame's eyes, "if we are ever going to break up, it's so not going to be because of my way of slicing damn meat, Akanishi." Stressing the last words, Kame reached out, grabbed Jin by his nape and pulled him in for a hard, forceful kiss. The rash action baffled Jin so much that he yet hadn't wrapped his mind around the unexpected course of their meeting when Kame was already pulling back, licking his lips, his breath slightly faster than usual. "Are we clear?"
Jin blinked, then again and finally, the reality sank in. His body jerked backwards, away from the other to stretch some polite distance between them. Kame must have gone out of his mind just now! Kissing Jin in the middle of a corridor where anyone could have seen them. That was…just…
"Kazuya!"
Jin quickly looked around, anxious and even terrified when sensing a move just behind the nearest corner. His eyes popped up and widened in quickly growing panic, searched for Kame's, unexpectedly calm, face.
"T-this just… now…what…?"
Kame chuckled, patting Jin's shoulder. "What? The only thing you didn't mention yet for the whole world to hear about it is our sex life." A shrug; Kame's overall composure was making Jin nervous with every second passed. It kind of felt like the very last calm moment before a raging storm… Only no storm happened, to Jin's utter surprise. "A kiss can hardly make the situation worse."
"Oh…" Jin blinked. He should pinch his forearm to make sure he wasn't only dreaming this. Judging by the reaction given by his manager, Jin's appearance on Ellen must have set off the end of the world at the very least; however, Kame didn't seem to be upset at all, save for the little umbrage upon Jin having randomly doubting and even sort of ridiculing his cooking skills. "Does it mean… you are not mad?" Jin was just making sure.
"What for?" Kame shrugged. "You know how it works. Someone will find a way to sweep it off sooner or later. You'll most probably have to spend an evening or two in the company of one of your back dancers and 'get caught', while I'll have a lunch with Koizumi-san. I've wanted to call her for ages now anyway." He didn't seem bothered at all. "And once your concerts start, as well as KAT-TUN's Asia tour, people will have other stuff to talk about and anything you've said will be pushed aside."
Kame had a point in this; that was with no doubt.
"If people were to remember all your babbling, their minds would be overloaded," a smirk twitched in a corner of Kame's lips and Jin pouted.
However, despite the teasing manner, even Jin had to agree.
The agency had been doing a great job at covering their slips over the years. Whatever had happened, their managers had always done impossible, carried off a miracle if necessary, turning the truth into a rumor and leaving it fade away in a couple of weeks. Jin couldn't imagine how his relationship with Kame would have looked like if not having been approved by Johnny; if they had had to actually hide and always watch carefully over their shoulders wherever they would have gone. As much as they loved each other, the love might have not been simply enough then…
Without much further thinking, Jin touched Kame's hand lying still on his shoulder, gave it a little squeeze, and when Kame didn't made any attempt to draw back, Jin pulled the other for a kiss. Not afraid anymore. There was no one around anyway and Jin really, just really wanted to kiss Kame at the moment. He had missed it. Him. Them. Despite all the mess his interview had most probably caused, at least Jin could tell he had been sincere.
When in America, Jin missed Kazuya.
Instinctively, Kame wound his hands around Jin's neck, pulling closer and returning the kiss with the same giddy delight he could feel from the other; Jin's tongue was teasingly poking against his, teeth tugging at Kame's bottom lip. They were chuckling into the kiss as the realization slowly came down to them. This wasn't a heated making out in a dark corner or an empty dressing room from the time before they had debuted, neither was it a secret glancing at each other, sharing light, affectionate touches during work later on. No, they were standing at an open place and there was nothing to be afraid of -
"YOU!"
A sharp, resonant voice tore them apart. Jin's breath hitched, his mind being once again flooded with rather disturbing ideas of what would come next. The moment of blissful unconcern had been washed away and the pleasurable, warm feeling Kame's closeness had been wrapping him in was gone. Johnny Kitagawa was standing in the open door of his office, having been there for only god knew how long, witnessing the whole scene, or a part of it. And despite the calm tone of Johnny's voice, Jin was quite sure there was going to be a lot of troubles before Johnny would resign and send them away with not more than another lecture. As always.
Sometimes, Jin thought their boss was sickly enjoying the times when they screwed and he could remind them of their place.
Jin shuffled his feet, looking guiltily. His hands dropped, hanging listlessly along his body. The feeling of Kame's hair remained tingling in the tips of Jin's fingertips. The cheek Kame had slapped was twitching.
On the other hand, Kame standing by Jin's left, bowed with his usual politeness and composure; because Kame had always been the one able to switch between his private and working self really quickly, as well as he had full trust in Johnny. There wasn't a reason to expect him to do more than giving them another speech about being more cautious next time, was it?
Kame's confidence got a little tear though, when Johnny turned to him with exactly the same, cold and undecipherable face that had distressed Jin a moment ago.
"And you. Inside."
Jin could only send Kame a short glance, asking him nonverbally whether there was still no reason to be worried, and then they were both trapped in Johnny's office, a room they both knew all too well. In the past, there used to be times when Johnny would take them out for a lunch when he had needed to talk to them, to two teenage boys messing around most of the time and being too close and reckless on public, more than could have been explained or covered by a simple term of friendship. With time, they had somewhat learnt to control their actions, and Johnny had ceased taking them out, rather dealing with their carelessness in the privacy of his office.
For the world outside the jimusho walls, Akanishi and Kamenashi didn't have a single reason to talk to each other. To be seen together. To mention each other's name without being cornered to do so, and even then they made only brief comments.
That had been, until Jin Akanishi had described the nice, nearly domestic time spent at Kamenashi's on a national broadcast, all the given details making the whole picture even more colorful and juicy.
"H-how…how bad is it?" Jin cleared his throat.
In fact, Jin would have felt much better if Johnny had relieved his anger right away. However, instead of shouting and reprimanding, Johnny was taking his time in silence, pouring himself a cup of tea and leaving the both young men hanging in the dark of suspense.
"Sir?"
"You two are really tempting my patience." Johnny was slowly stirring the steaming drink. "Just when I thought we finally reached a certain level of mutual understanding after all those years. There is only so much I can do to cover you two without help from your side." He hadn't yet looked at either of them, thinking carefully about everything he was going to say. The decision hadn't been the easiest one; a step into the dark perhaps, while the agency usually played the safe card. This time though, Kamenashi and Akanishi hadn't given him another choice.
Jin sensed how Kame standing by his side froze upon hearing those words. "I'm… I'm really sorry for what happened," Jin blurted out without too much thinking. All this mess was his fault after all. He was the one to be blamed and, eventually, punished for his mistake. Kame had nothing to do with Jin's slip. "She took me off guard and… and…" Jin bit his lip. There was hardly the right explanation, or excuse, for what he had said the other day. He couldn't quite comprehend it himself. "I'm ready to take full responsibility for what happened. Just leave Kazuya out of this, please."
"Jin," Kame hissed.
"I mean it."
"The one at fault is your manager in the first place," Johnny's words surprised both Jin and Kame who exchanged a quick glance; trying to grasp the unexpected course the conversation was taking. The idea of Johnny letting them get out of this so easily sounded like a fairy tale. "He should have known better than sending you onto such a show, considering your obvious lack of self-restraint at times, Akanishi."
Kame would have chuckled at the bitter pout on Jin's face at the moment, but it was neither the right place nor time for taking things easy. No matter what Johnny said, the situation was nowhere near fun.
"As for Kamenashi," Johnny's eyes flicked up and Kame's hands got sweaty, "with his name being mentioned sixteen times during a little over thirty minutes of a nationally broadcasted show, I don't really see a way to leave him out of this. Not this time, I'm sorry."
"But -" Jin gasped.
Their past had proved that fans treated Jin and Kame differently. Jin had been always forgiven soon no matter what he had done. His straightforward character was either to be loved and admired or hated, but the latter never lasted for long. His haters tended to let go and not care longer than the first couple of days, just silently waiting for another mistake of his. Kame though, had suffered from negative, often even harsh critic yet before their debut and things had grown only worse during the following years.
By his inconsiderate act, Jin might have unintentionally unleashed another wave of outrage towards Kame. One could never be sure what would make fans turn their back to someone like Kame after all. Jin cursed at the realization, fingers tensely curling into fists. If his stupid mistake was to endanger Kazuya, Jin wouldn't forgive himself.
Kame was now quickly losing the ability to keep his face, his thoughts wandering, similarly to Jin's, in directions showing more serious aspects of the whole situation. Johnny might have been calm so far, despite everything, but his words, more than a possible rage, were telling Kame the consequences would be strict this time. And not only for Jin, but for him as well. Because they had once agreed on being in this together; for better or for worse - with now being the worse indeed.
Kame always knew better than to argue with Johnny-san; so much unlike Jin whose ideas and beliefs were clashing with their boss' decisions on daily basis.
So when Johnny's next words reached his senses and Kame understood the meaning, he had no intention to question what had been decided. No matter how absurd it might have sounded at first. Johnny's actions were always well considered and not rushed. Whatever he did, was for the good of the agency.
Johnny said it was impossible to sweep the scandal away this time; especially after so many people had spotted them together a couple of weeks ago. The last bunch of rumors was still lively flying around and Jin had now only confirmed all the speculations. Johnny said it was impossible to deny Akanishi's words or turn them into a joke; not after he had practically come out and admitted a relationship with a man on a show hosted by a well-known American lesbian. Johnny said there was only one way to handle this.
"We will confirm everything."
At first, Kame wasn't sure he understood right. The more Johnny had said, the more his words had been melting in the growing buzz inside Kame's head. And from the choked sound Jin made next to him, Kame could easily guess he was not the only one confused and flabbergasted here.
Johnny couldn't possibly…? Or could he?
"The numbers speak volumes; you two reached the peak of popularity at the times when you were together 24/7. With Akanishi pursuing a career overseas now and not being around, fans constantly crave to see you interact again. This gives them the connection between the two of you they have been seeking for."
Kame would have never thought he might live long enough to hear such words coming from Johnny Kitagawa.
"Y-you want us to admit that we are together?" Kame was thinking aloud.
"Are you for real?"
Johnny patiently overlooked Jin's yelp and focused on Kame instead. "You don't need to admit anything. Both your managers have been already informed and will release a statement for media. As for the rest, nothing will change for you or your schedules." Knowing well about the effect his words must have had on the both men in front of him, Johnny gave them a sincere, almost fatherly smile of someone who cared about them and had always done all he could to protect them, shelter their fragile, brittle secret. "I don't need to emphasize that the news will cause uproar, right? No one can tell with certainty how your fans will react in general. I can only promise to stay by you and help to calm the storm down."
Kame swallowed. "Thank you, sir."
"Thank you," Jin nodded his head. He was yet catching up with all the news, trying to comprehend the sudden twist in what he had for long considered an unbreakable rule. They were going to admit everything. "And I'm really sorry."
"KAT-TUN's tour, as well as Akanishi's American concerts will start soon. Let's hope it will give people other topic to talk about."
Kame couldn't remember the last time he had heard such an anxious undertone of breakable hope in Johnny's voice. Did Johnny have doubts about the plan? Because Kame had some indeed. He remembered how eager fans had been back then when he and Jin used to stick together all the time in front of cameras. Two pretty boys making provocative gestures and showing off their closeness. What would the same fans do after learning that the closeness not only had never really disappeared but was, actually, even tighter than used to be presented?
Despite Johnny's reassuring words, Kame found himself shaking and unable to think clearly once the door closed behind them. It felt like he had been taken over to another world, to one of those worlds people dream about. A surreal, twisted reality.
A dreamy reality in which his relationship with Jin wouldn't be a secret anymore. No more silence between them, no ban on mentioning each other's name, no pretending they hadn't talked to each other for ages. Of course, Johnny's words didn't mean a complete freedom but at least they wouldn't have to hide and live in a lie the whole time.
Jin pinched his own forearm and whimpered a curse, rubbing the red spot. "Shit."
"What…?" Kame shook his head. No, he was too confused to really care about the momentary trail of Jin's thoughts, be it anything.
"It hurts, dammit!" Jin pouted. "But it also means this just now hasn't been a dream, right? Johnny really did… oh shit! I'm so sorry, Kazuya!"
"I still can't kiss you on Shounen Club though."
A moment of silence.
A shared look, turning from disbelief into mischievous smirks.
First it was Jin, but it took only a little before Kame was smirking back, strangely light-headed and oblivious of anything beyond there and then. It was difficult to even guess if they had won this - or if they could win at all; if Johnny's plan was really going to work and wouldn't backfire at them sooner or later (with sooner being the more likely option)… but as difficult as it was to stop worrying about the future, Jin's innocent, challenging grin made Kame completely careless.
They would face the new situation tomorrow.
"Why not?" Jin's smile twitched.
***
Akakame.
The word, the name squish that had been a sort of taboo for long years, wasn't a forbidden topic anymore. It was real now. Openly real, affirmed. Admitted. The news swept across the agency, being either a shock for those who had had no idea about the relationship, or sort of relief for those who didn't need to pretend or avert their looks anymore. However, a direction coming from Johnny himself 'suggested' everybody to avoid any mentioning of the matter on public for the time being. At all costs.
Kame was the first one to face obtrusive questions during a presentation of new Panasonic products.
In a way, he had been expecting the press conference to turn into this; into greedy reporters starving for sensation rather than keeping good, polite manners. Yet, the first blurted question startled him a little anyway. It had been years since he didn't have to worry about people questing for the true character of his relationship with Jin, or at least not so boldly. The sensation-seeking clamor was also a good thing of sort though.
It gave Kame an idea how the following days would look like.
The morning after, a short, concise statement was sent to media, reporting the attitude of Johnny's jimusho towards the situation to cut all the speculations short.
The announcement went along the lines that Akanishi Jin and Kamenashi Kazuya were in a relationship, had been in one for a while by now, and this fact hadn't affected their work so far, and it was unlikely to do so in the future as well. The agency had known about everything all along and had kept everything secret for sake of the two men in question. Foremost, fans and public were asked to support both Akanishi and Kamenashi also from now on as they both promised to work hard not to let their fans down.
Jin's manager updated his official site, thanking fans for their continuous support.
Kame didn't say a word.
***
"Yes, I've known about them. To be honest, I can't believe Akanishi revealed everything in such a way."
Only a short glance at Nakamaru's tensed features and you could tell how uncomfortable he was while being interrogated about the newest sensation. The official statement had been out for less than fifteen hours, and everybody was eager to get a comment from anyone close to either Akanishi or Kamenashi.
Nakamaru Yuichi was misfortunate enough to be the first. He was sitting in the studio of a morning show with no chance to slip out when the question came. Moreover, he had been the one to sort of explain Akanishi's actions already in the past. The two of them were known to be friends even outside their work, and unlike many others, Nakamaru rarely answered with 'no comment'. He knew better than that. Leaving the media hanging with a 'no comment' usually meant giving them enough space for impertinent speculations.
"Both Kamenashi and Akanishi have always worked hard for their fans and this is not going to change," Nakamaru added when both the hosts and other present guests started sighing in surprise and making astonished noises upon his previous words. "Their relationship is actually something to be admired, don't you think? Please, support them."
He didn't dare to look around though.
He had had years to understand the special bond between his two friends. It would be naive to believe that society would get used to it overnight. The relationship broke more than one unspoken, silent rule formed between an idol and a fan; and such misconduct was something a certain group of fans would only hardly get over with.
***
A reporter stopped Ueda Tatsuya on the way to his car in the underground garage of the building Ueda lived in. It was too early in the morning and Ueda was already running late, a folder with a script for a new KAT-TUN show in one hand and a pot of steaming coffee in the other, the car keys somewhere in a pocket of his jacket. His still drowsy mind was already wandering to the upcoming production meeting he was heading to. A waiting woman asking him obtrusive questions was the last thing he had been ready for, or had time for.
"I knew the basics," Ueda said in a hurry, both because of the time pressure and because he wasn't excited about the idea of having his name in tomorrow's papers connected to Akanishi's and Kamenashi's mess. "They told us when…uhm, their relationship became serious."
He was already in the car, inserting the keys into the starter when the woman knocked at his side window, demanding more.
With a sigh, Ueda rolled the glass down a little; not much because the last thing he wanted was give her an impression he actually wanted to talk to her.
"They both have always worked hard and will do so also from now on. Please support them."
And with that, the engine kicked in and Ueda carefully maneuvered the car out of the garage, leaving the reporter behind, standing there with a disappointed expression in her face. She must have been hoping for more than what she got.
***
Kame was sitting in the audience when Jin was invited as a guest to Shounen Club. It was not really the smartest idea in their current situation, to risk being spotted in there, but Kame had a free afternoon and would have been waiting around for Jin anyway. He had hidden himself behind dark glasses and had pulled a fedora down over his face which, along with a scarf wrapped around his neck, was providing enough masking to move around more or less freely among the all-girl audience expectantly waiting for Jin's performance.
The fuss over them dating hadn't faded yet, and was unlikely going to any time soon. And Kame openly attending Jin's performance would have only drawn needless attention. The attention Johnny wanted to avoid. Well, they all wanted to avoid it, actually.
The last couple of days were slowly taking its toll and Jin looked tired once having entered the stage.
He and Kame had spent most of the time either trying to understand what their lives would look like from now on, or pretending that nothing had happened and nothing had changed. The latter had worked only when they hadn't turned on the television, hadn't read newspapers or hadn't talked to anyone though.
If they did, they were immediately confronted with 'Akakame'.
Kame thought he might start cursing the day Takizawa had come up with that word, and soon.
What was whirling in Jin's head was a mystery for Kame. When Jin wanted, he was actually quite good at changing the subject of a conversation he felt uncomfortable having.
The first tones of Jin's song filled the hall and Kame soon caught himself mumbling the melody along. He wasn't really into the kind of music Jin was currently producing - he had always preferred either calm, relaxing melodies, or an utter, soothing silence after spending his days surrounded by various noises and people talking at him all the time; however, it was impossible to remain unaffected when he had been hearing Jin muttering his new songs throughout the whole working process. It was so like Jin to partake in preparations for his debut album.
Kame liked writing his own songs as well, but his other activities didn't leave him much time to do so lately. Also his solo for this year's tour and the new album was mostly a work of someone else. Kame did only so much as suggesting a couple of minor changes. But he liked the song anyway and -
Something was off.
Kame focused on Jin's performance again, leaned a little forward as if it could have helped him to see better and read Jin's rather strange gestures in a clearer way. Singing was fine, as far as Kame could tell. The same couldn't be said about the rest of Jin's act though. It wasn't like Jin to be all stiff on the stage, as well as he usually didn't wear sunglasses while performing in Japan - he had actually tried to do so for a while but had met with Johnny's disapproval.
The main article Johnny's was selling was faces after all, everything else mattered only afterwards.
With growing anxiety upon Jin's behavior, Kame bit his lip and tried to convince himself that there was nothing to worry about. Jin must have been just tired and nervous.
They both were.
Only Jin had never been the best to hide his true feelings. He had been already quite distressed because of his debut album before, and now there was yet another issue giving him sleepless nights and headaches and anxiety pressure. Kame wished there had been a way to help Jin out.
Things worked one way or another now when Jin was in Japan and they could spend some time together, when Kame could talk to Jin and actually see if his words had any effect on the other. However, in a couple of days, Jin would leave again and then there would be the whole ocean lying between them and Kame would know that Jin's 'everything is fine' would be a lie but there wouldn't be a way to change anything. He would be just sitting here in Japan, listening to Jin's unconvincing assurances over a phone.
The song ended and Jin went through a short interview, not really saying anything important or new, but the girls around Kame were screaming in excitement upon being in the same room with Jin Akanishi anyway, and at the very moment, being deafened by the screaming, Kame had a feeling that nothing had really changed. Fans were still there, supporting Jin. And judging by the similar reaction KAT-TUN had got two days ago for their performance, Kame wasn't hated either.
The feeling of relief quickly faded though, once Kame sneaked out from the auditory and made his way to the backstage. He met Jin in a dressing room, where the other was changing his clothes. And now, even more than a moment ago while Jin had been on the stage, Kame could sense something wasn't right.
"Jin?" Carefully closing the door behind his back to not make much noise, Kame isolated them from the rest of the building and the world outside. It was easier to talk to Jin when they were alone and safe. When the door clicked shut, Kame stayed where he was, back leaning against the door and watching Jin's restless, uncontrolled moves when taking off his sweater and t-shirt. A small ring that was hanging around Jin's neck got stuck in the fabric and when Jin tugged; the chain broke, followed by a soft metallic click somewhere on the floor. Kame's eyes flicked to where the sound might have possibly come from.
Jin snapped, turned around; eyes searching.
"Shit," Jin hissed. He didn't move any more, just let the chain slowly slide down his shoulder and land at his feet.
Kame forced his eyes to leave Jin's tensed frame and skim the floor. It wasn't long before he found the ring and in the next moment was handing it to Jin along with the ripped chain. "Are you okay?"
A needless question because Jin was everything but okay. He might be only a step from trembling actually, and Kame frowned.
"I'm fine. Tired, perhaps." Jin took the ring and stuffed it into a pocket, not paying it any attention. He quickly dressed up and put on his shades again. "My schedule has been busy lately, that's all."
Kame was standing there, nodding, silently counting to ten and then once more into ten. Waiting for Jin to acknowledge who he was talking to and who he was trying to delude by talking such obvious bullshit. Their schedules were always busy as hell but that had never prevented Jin from singing and dancing and giving his best upon any terms. Things were different with everything else he used to have to do as an idol, but singing, standing on stage - that was Jin's life.
"And they didn't let me perform with my dancers," Jin grumbled just to keep talking and to not let Kame get his word, because unlike Jin, Kame knew his way with words and sooner or later, he would have got Jin spilling out everything. "That's fucking insane! It's a club song, people should dance to it, and if the audience can't, then there should be dancers to make the atmosphere and -"
"Jin…"
"It's just weird when you are all alone on the whole stage." - It would be different with a ballad, Jin knew so much and he actually liked standing on a stage with no one else around, just him and a microphone and a single ray of dim light pointing at him or somewhere around him while singing a slow, calm song. His American singles were nowhere near that though, and the stage for Shounen Club was huge. He had stood there, feeling everyone's eyes directed to him, waiting for anything he would do.
They had been watching him.
Judging.
Kame nodded. "It definitely looked weird." He bit his lip and cursed because the words had just slipped out.
"They were staring at me!" And before Kame had a chance to react: "They were staring and they knew!"
- Not the best moment to remind Jin of his braggart promises to kiss Kame on a stage in front of everyone. -
Today was Jin's first public appearance since the statement about his relationship with Kame had come out and apparently, despite Jin's big talks when they were alone, he wasn't really ready to face the fans.
"I was there," Kame tried to soothe some of Jin's anxiety but soon realized his words were for nothing. They were not reaching Jin. Jin wasn't listening, hidden behind his damn sunglasses, and Kame was tired of being the one to keep calm when Jin was overreacting and acting just ridiculous. Yet, he tried. Sometimes, Jin was a bit slow at realizing stuff, after all. "I saw them, their faces and they were enjoying every second. Everything was fine. Everything is fine, Jin. Could you just stop and look at me and…"
"What if it doesn't work?" Jin gulped, his voice low. His clenched fists were now pressing into his thighs. "What if Johnny was right all those years about keeping us a secret? Fans don't want -"
"There was a hall full of people who were cheering for you, dammit! What else could you possibly want to understand that they are fine with how things are?"
Most of the time, Kame tried to be patient and was leaving Jin time and room to think about things at his own pace. When they all had been nearly about to crawl up a wall because debuting had sounded more like a dream than a possible eventuality, Kame had been right there to support Jin not to go crazy, despite his own frustration about the matter. When the longed-for debut had finally come and Jin had suddenly needed time to settle with everything, Kame had seen him off for his stay overseas with a smile and had waited for him. Unlike Jin, Kame was good at adjusting to various situations, thinking about what might come. Jin though, usually followed the first impulse and more often than not, soon found himself in a situation with no satisfying way out. Trapped in.
But then there were moments when Kame had simply had enough.
Jin breathed in and out, slowly.
"I… don't know. Something."
What did he want? A good question. He wanted to stand on a stage and see the faces in front of him seeing him, not the headlines of the latest tabloid issues.
Everything was too confusing; the way Johnny had handled the situation, the mixed reactions Jin was getting from different sources, the nearing date of his album release, the tour. It was too much, all happening at once.
He wasn't good at this, keeping calm and thinking straight when there was so much at stake, so much to lose. He hadn't spent the last year working hard to make people acknowledge and appreciate his music only to have them now staring at him and thinking of nothing else but him and Kame. Together.
If the media mess was to last for long, Jin was actually getting ready to go as far as cancelling the Japanese part of his tour that should start soon after the American one would end.
Jin shrugged.
What could Kame want him to say?
"I don't get you," Kame gave up. "It's not like you are the only one they stare at. I have to face them, too. And even more! Can you imagine how I felt during the Panasonic press con the other day? Can you? I was there to present a product, not to discuss my personal life! And yet, that was the only fucking matter the reporters cared about! They came there to ask me about you. I had to go and apologize to the company representatives for the trouble afterwards."
A snort; the only reaction Jin was able to give right away. The only way to make Kame shut up. For a moment, for a single little moment so Jin would be able to take a breath and think. He couldn't if Kame was speaking.
"The reporters were fucking assholes," Jin muttered.
"They did their job though. And we are here to do ours. I could do it the other day, you can -"
"It's different!" Jin cried, quickly losing the little of remaining patience. Apparently, the only thing he and Kame could never agree on was how to handle annoying media constantly disturbing their lives and privacy. Jin would never be able to stay as calm and composed as Kame was in every situation. Jin wanted to sing and live, preferably without the fuss coming along with being popular around, while there were times when Kame seemed to be enjoying being in the center of attention a bit too much.
If they had a chance to choose their life paths over again, Jin would have found another way to make music. Kame though, despite him often talking about pursuing his baseball dream instead, would have most probably ended right where he was now. Basking in spotlights.
"Mind telling me what is so different?" Kame raised an eyebrow. Counting to ten didn't work anymore.
"This." Jin didn't realize the thin ice he was walking on. "You being so calm about everything. It's not like things have changed for you!"
Kame eyes went wide open.
"People have been suspecting you of being gay since ever! They only didn't have a proof and now they have one. They don't look at you differently!"
"Fuck you," Kame hissed, his face twisted in a hurtful grimace and Jin only noticed a blank shadow of pain in the other's eyes before Kame looked away. Unable to face Jin anymore. His heart was hammering in his chest and Jin's words were making him choke. He tried to tell himself that what Jin had said didn't mean anything, that it was just once again Jin spilling the first thing that had come on his mind without having thought it through. That it was Jin, his Jin being scared.
However, justifying Jin all the time didn't work anymore than counting now.
Kame clenched and unclenched his fists. He didn't notice he was shaking, or how much he was shaking.
But no, he was not going to start a fight.
They would have only regretted it later, when Jin would calm down and start seeing things in a clear way once again and when Kame wouldn't feel like bursting upon anything Jin would let out of his mouth.
It was strange how well aware Jin was of not wearing the ring around his neck, not feeling the small metal under the rim of his t-shirt. He always took it off only when being asked so for photo shootings or filming. Not wearing it was weird. Not right. He shoved both hands into his pockets and pressed a thumb against the edge of the ring hidden inside. And it took him a couple of deep breaths before his eyes wandered up to meet Kame's.
Dark and disappointed. Hurt and distant.
"I'm going home," Kame's voice quivered. "Just… I don't know. Call me when you come back to your senses."
He had always known people were talking. About him. Every time there had been a Friday article with blurred photos of him and a girl, a woman, on a street, another article about him preferring men had appeared soon afterwards. Neither he nor the agency had ever said a word; though their silence was more like a silent affirmation of the obvious.
No one had really cared, knowing it wouldn't have been a big deal anyway. Kame was an idol. As long as his smile was bright enough and his act alluring, teenage girls were unlikely going to not buy anything with his face on it.
Yet, Jin's words - the accusing way he said them - hurt. And Kame had to bite his tongue not to strike back, reminding Jin of whose fault it was that people were now staring at them. At Jin.
In the first rush of irritation, when the door shut close behind him and Kame found himself outside of the dressing room, breath uneven and fingers digging into his hips to keep his hands from shaking, a dull sound buzzing in his head; he kind of wished he hadn't left and made Jin open his eyes. Made him realize how ridiculous it was to blame each other for things that couldn't be taken back anyway. However, when already sitting in his car and driving home through late afternoon traffic, Kame was glad he hadn't said anything.
At a moment like that, it would have only made everything worse.
Jin couldn't be pushed to see things the way they were; he had to find out himself.
***
Part 2
Pairing: Akame
Word count: 18K
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: none
Notes: Saya, I really hope you won't be disappointed. The truth is, I started another story but then certain stuff happened and I couldn't finish it. So in the end, here comes your what-if AU situated in a world with no Meisa in it. A huge thanks to my beta who always found the right words to encourage me and poke me to write. The title and the lyrics were borrowed from a song by The All-American Rejects.
Summary: Shit got real when Jin wasn't watching his mouth once again, this time speaking his mind during a national broadcast…
Kamenashi Kazuya, dressed up in white trousers, an elegant jacket of a light blue color and a matching shirt with pastel stripes, flashed a smile to the camera taking him from a straight forward angle, a close-up to focus on his hair and the object in question of today's press conference that he was holding close to his head to show how the new Panasonic product should work, pleasurably massaging one's scalp. Too bad there were no batteries inserted for the presentation because Kame would have really appreciated a comforting head massage just now. There was an imaginary hammer pounding inside his skull and he had to do his best not to show off his current condition. Despite his growing anxiety, Kame was smiling and looking good, two things required for a room full of reporters who were, most probably, only waiting for a single mistake he would make.
Kame was determined to deny them such pleasure though.
The emcee standing next to him was dilating about the product and some others that were only to come out later this spring yet, while Kame kept his professional expression, counting seconds for the segment to be over. He even found himself slightly nervous, standing in front of all those reporters who must have been more than eager to throw questions at him.
And considering the events of the last two days, Kame was quite sure about the character of the questions he could expect. Unconsciously, his hand tightened a grip on a microphone when a sign was given to the press that it was the right moment for their questions.
Kame nodded to the first query, let out a light chuckle after hearing praises for how great he looked just now - a true idol indeed; then spoke a few words about how important beauty care was for both women and men, and how men should learn to take care about their scalps to keep their hair healthy and natural as well. He was just in the middle of acknowledging the delight of all the beauty treatment products being now available also for a home use so one wouldn't need to go anywhere to be taken care of from now on, when a dreaded question suddenly shot out from the restless crowd of reporters.
"Kamenashi-san, do you have a commentary on what was said by Akanishi Jin-san two days ago?"
The room was thrown into a loud, muffled stir, cameras were flashing to catch even the tiniest change of expression in Kamenashi's face.
Kame wasn't going to give them the pleasure of catching him off guard though; having been perfectly prepared for what just happened. Holding a neutral smile, Kame just looked around for one last time, offered an indifferent, disinterested face, reminding of a mime, save for a heavy white powdered face and a stripped t-shirt, then slid down from the chair he had been sitting on the whole time and left the venue, taking slow, calm steps.
He wasn't running away, after all. He hadn't done anything wrong. But since the Panasonic related questions had, apparently, run out already, there was no need to prolong the event. This shouldn't have been about Akanishi anyway.
Moreover, the instructions from the jimusho were clear and definitive. No one in the agency was allowed to talk about Akanishi's slip for now.
The less Kamenashi.
Kame could hear the fuss his sudden departure had set off just now behind his back and even long time after being already in the backstage and safe from curious, rather indignant reporters. It wasn't difficult to imagine the headlines of newspapers the following day… And just to make sure things wouldn't get out of control even more than they already were, Kame quickly found his phone and made a quick, informative call to his manager, telling him about today's incident.
Unlike two days ago with Jin's case, Kame didn't want to hurl the agency into yet another mess of startle without as much as a warning.
Keeping his mouth shut and being obedient, following Johnny's orders was the least Kame could do now anyway, when the biggest bomb had been already launched.
***
Who has to know
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
***
two days ago
"So… Jin Akanishi."
Jin winced at the sound of his own name and fidgeted uncomfortably in the red comfy chair he was sitting in, more like sitting on the very edge as if ready to jump up and run away in any moment.
The whole situation felt like a dream he couldn't remember having. He was sitting in a studio of The Ellen DeGeneres Show with the said Ellen sitting across a small table from him. Jin was nowhere near being a fan of hers and had been curious about the show only after his invitation had been confirmed. His solo debut album was going to be released in a couple of weeks and both singles had been doing just fine on the American market. It only made sense that Warner Music was trying to get Jin into the spotlights to present him to as wide range of audience as possible. Generally, Jin agreed to most of the management's ideas, mostly because the entertainment industry in the States was still quite confusing for him. Ellen's show was popular with one of the highest daytime ratings. If his manager thought it was a good idea to get Jin into the show, Jin was in no position to complain.
Jin had hesitated first only for being worried about his English skills - as much as he had improved during the last year, he was still nowhere near fluent, the less while being under pressure (he hadn't been any good in interviews even in his mother tongue, after all); however, most of his worries had been swept away when his manager had assured him that Ellen would be informed about everything beforehand and would respect that Jin was not a native speaker.
He couldn't remember the last time he had been so nervous; for a moment even regretted coming here.
"Jin Akanishi. The 'Takeover man', right?" Ellen said in a light, a bit teasing tone and there was a short footage of Jin doing different stuff on a screen behind their backs, shots taken during recording of Jin's very first US single. It seemed to be ages ago and for a moment, Jin was a bit taken aback. He had been expecting the interview to be about the soon-to-be-released album, and his head needed a moment to accustom to the newly set direction.
With a sheepish grin, Jin nodded, hands nervously pressed into his knees. His eyes, safe behind big dark sunglasses, were blinking and roaming around. "People call me like that?" A question out of pure curiosity.
"I call you like that," Ellen grinned. "Tell me, Jin - can I call you 'Jin' by the way?"
Jin nodded. Again.
"Because maybe 'Akanishi' would be better with you and I really want you to feel comfortable here."
"'Jin' is fine," Jin assured her.
Calling him 'Jin' was definitely the better option; that was something the US management had agreed on right from the start. Trying to sell 'Akanishi' in the States might have been rather precarious. On the other hand, his given name was short and sharp, easy to remember. And Jin had always preferred to be called that way if a situation hadn't required a certain level of polite manners anyway.
"Good. Then, Jin, what exactly are you taking over?" Ellen's eyebrow twitched in a smirk, yet her overall composure didn't change at all. In the end, Jin got a suspicion he had just imagined everything.
He was really, really thankful for the glasses shading his flicking eyes. "I… it's… this show perhaps?"
"This show? My show?" Ellen laughed, soft and sincerely. "You want my show? It's a joke, right?" The audience was giving a good reaction, nothing seemed to be forced. "You are not getting my show, sorry."
Jin grinned, showing Ellen his best shy smile and even making her forget her next words.
Things went smoothly then. Once it had been clear enough that Ellen would keep her show while Jin would direct his focus on music, they discussed an obligatory series of questions related to Jin's work in the States, his collaboration with other artists… basically all those things Jin had already mentioned elsewhere before. Then Ellen got slightly upset about not being able to see Jin's face, considered it 'unfair' because she had got quite a load of emails before today's show, in which girls from all over the world were begging her to make Jin show his face.
"I'm not taking the glasses off though. I like them," Jin was struggling.
"Well, I really like my pajamas with teddy bears but you would hardly meet me on the street wearing them."
"Not like that. Glasses are… they are a sort of protection. I feel safer. More comfortable. The feeling girls have when for example wearing…a bra, you know?"
"So wearing sunglasses is like wearing a bra. Really?" Again, the soft, innocent teasing.
"Yes. Everybody wears it. You do, too. I guess…"
"You think I do?" Ellen challenged him. "Were you spying on me in a dressing room or…"
"NO! I mean…"
"Calm down, samurai. If you were, you would know I do not have any on right now. So be fair and take the annoying glasses off."
And just when Jin was almost sure his face must have resembled the dark red color of the seats they were sitting in, completely embarrassed for the rest of his life, Ellen seemed to take pity on him and switched the topic, going back to things Jin didn't have problems with. His dark glasses though, had been pushed up and secured in his hair. Luckily, it wasn't such a problem anymore because the following topics were, actually, quite safe.
Things he liked about America. People he would like to work with there. His Hollywood debut later this year. What it had been like working with Keanu Reeves. Once again the old story about Jin and Keanu playing chess. About Jin having to learn to ride a horse properly, and fighting with a katana.
And then they were back to his career in Japan; to how he was trying to balance his life between two countries. He only staggered upon a question about where he felt more like being home. Recently, he had spent more time in the States while working on his second single and also getting ready for a tour. However, there were still certain things he missed about Japan when not being there. Japan was definitely his 'home' in the sense of feeling good there and having his roots there, family and friends. Most of his memories were connected to Japan and people he knew there…
He missed Japanese food at times.
"Really?" Ellen asked, for one reason or another visibly interested in the food topic more than a moment ago while talking about Jin's upcoming movie. "We have a couple of really great Japanese restaurants around here as well. Have you tried the food there?"
Jin nodded. He had tried; the cast of 47Ronin had gone out for a dinner to such a restaurant to celebrate a particularly hard and exhausting filming day back then. However, the food itself wasn't the only reason Jin missed eating at home. "Some of the Japanese restaurants I have been to were really great. Delicious food. Everything tasted really yummy. However, eating food is also about who you eat with. Who your company is. Don't you think?"
"So you miss your friends when you are here. Your family."
"Yeah," another nod, and Jin was staring at his knees, not able to raise his head and look at either Ellen or the camera; his mind being flooded with images of how different his life was when being back in Japan for longer than a couple of rushed days. "It's the feeling when someone cooks and I can just sit there and watch, we talk and when the food is almost ready, I'm the one to taste it and give my opinion." Jin chuckled at a random memory. "And then we, of course, fight a little because Kazuya's view of a good meal is slightly different from mine, so in the end, I'm the one asking 'why did you want to know my opinion then?' while he finishes the cooking according to his taste. One of these days, we might break up just because of the way he slices meat. But then again, Kazuya's curry is definitely the best. There's sure more than a grain of truth in the saying that love goes through the stomach," Jin gave another little chuckle.
Maybe he should have just admitted that he missed Kazuya the most.
Ellen tilted her head in surprise. She surely hadn't been expecting her today's guest to suddenly start talking so freely. From all the interviews she had watched with Jin Akanishi before inviting him over, the guy was really careful about the amount of personal information he said whenever asked. And now he was sitting there and the interview had reached a certain point when… "Kazuya, huh?"
Jin was nodding the whole time, finally quite relaxed and not as self-conscious as before. Only thinking about Kazuya was kind of soothing.
"I suppose this Kazuya is someone close to you?"
"Kazuya is my closest -" The words rushed out before Jin could have given it a second thought, and only late did he realize that talking about Kazuya on a national television was not the smartest thing to do. In fact, it was the direct opposite from everything smart. Jin bit his lip, suddenly looking small and vulnerable and sadly, not as invisible as he wished for.
There was no way he could talk himself out of this because while his body and mind were panicking, Ellen explained to the audience a very brief background of who might the mentioned 'Kazuya' be. She had done her homework just right indeed. A picture of smiling Kamenashi Kazuya was displayed on the big screen behind them, only to be replaced by a colorful composition of old, very old pictures of two young boys from years ago, and Jin knew his phone must have been already ringing like crazy.
His manager was going to skin him alive.
And that was still the better, brighter future Jin could imagine.
Those who had been predicting his overseas career to be a short-lived flop and were watching the show right now must have been having a blast.
"Do I understand it right that we are talking about the, obviously famous, if you spend some time browsing on the internet, 'Akakame' issue? Well, if that's the case… just wow," Ellen's words of astonishment were quickly drowned in a raising uproar from the audience. The show took an unexpected direction today indeed.
Jin wished he could wear the dark glasses again more than ever.
Fuck.
Johnny would get his head and balls on a silver plate the moment Jin would set a foot in Japan again.
A little Jin knew at the moment that everything would yet get much worse before the ending titles would finally save him from his personal hell.
***
It hadn't taken even 24 hours and Jin was in Japan, walking down a corridor leading to Johnny-san's office. He had somehow managed to survive the yesterday's flight, a way from the airport to his apartment, and also another one to the jimusho way too early in the morning today; all of it without getting caught by either press or fans. The shocking revelation was already everywhere though; shiny headlines and pictures of him and Kazuya on title pages were following Jin on every step since the very moment his plane had landed.
Jin had called Kame right after a call he had had with his manager - which was shorter than expected because the guy had lost his voice from shouting at Jin soon -, but talking over a phone to discuss such a serious issue couldn't have been enough. Kame wasn't the type to spend hours talking over a phone anyway, so all Jin had got was a couple of unconvincing words of assurance that Kame was fine and things were not as bad as they might seem to be. And that they would see each other soon
Now Jin saw Kame standing in front of the door of Johnny's office, waiting for either his arrival or for an instruction to enter; his face looked indifferent, neither amused, not angry, when his eyes caught a sight of the nearing Jin, and Jin quickly decided to take it as a good sign.
"Hello," he greeted the other a bit hesitantly. Was it already the right time for apologies? Or was Kazuya actually expecting any at all? Jin nervously grinned.
The grin was swept away right after though as Kame reached out and delivered a sharp, stinging slap to Jin's surprised face. The hurting cheek turned red and Jin hissed, snapping up and covering the burning skin with a palm, wide open eyes staring at Kame in disbelief. Well, Jin actually had an idea what the smack was for but still…
"Hey!" Jin pouted, rubbing the hurting spot.
He had been more likely expecting Kame to be giving him a cold shoulder or put on his impersonal, professional face to summarize all the reasons for why Jin should never be allowed to appear on screen again. Ever. If anything, Kame was really good at admonishing people about how unprofessional they could be at times, and Jin had mastered his unprofessional conduct already years ago.
"What the hell was that for?" Jin snapped and glancing up, met with Kame's snort. "Okay, I know what it was for. But why?"
"Are you asking for real?"
"Of course I am. If someone is to be screwed for what happened then it's me, don't you think? Johnny is going to skin me alive, torture me forever and then put me back to the Juniors and let me be a back dancer for a group of teenagers for the rest of my life. Oh, wait, that would be actually a part of the 'torture me forever' already."
Kame didn't look amused at all. Jin's whining didn't have an effect on him. "I have a meeting in an hour but instead, I have to be here, most probably to sort out your mess. I haven't really got that much of sleep tonight because my damn phone kept ringing all the time…"
"You could turn it off?"
"And miss you calling me. Or my manager calling me at 5 AM to confirm this meeting. You know that turning off the phone is not an option." Despite the reproachful undertone and the previous punch, Kame didn't seem to be really mad though.
"Oh."
"And," Kame sucked in a sharp breath, making Jin brace himself for yet another hit coming, but then he noticed the mischievous sparkles in Kame's eyes, "if we are ever going to break up, it's so not going to be because of my way of slicing damn meat, Akanishi." Stressing the last words, Kame reached out, grabbed Jin by his nape and pulled him in for a hard, forceful kiss. The rash action baffled Jin so much that he yet hadn't wrapped his mind around the unexpected course of their meeting when Kame was already pulling back, licking his lips, his breath slightly faster than usual. "Are we clear?"
Jin blinked, then again and finally, the reality sank in. His body jerked backwards, away from the other to stretch some polite distance between them. Kame must have gone out of his mind just now! Kissing Jin in the middle of a corridor where anyone could have seen them. That was…just…
"Kazuya!"
Jin quickly looked around, anxious and even terrified when sensing a move just behind the nearest corner. His eyes popped up and widened in quickly growing panic, searched for Kame's, unexpectedly calm, face.
"T-this just… now…what…?"
Kame chuckled, patting Jin's shoulder. "What? The only thing you didn't mention yet for the whole world to hear about it is our sex life." A shrug; Kame's overall composure was making Jin nervous with every second passed. It kind of felt like the very last calm moment before a raging storm… Only no storm happened, to Jin's utter surprise. "A kiss can hardly make the situation worse."
"Oh…" Jin blinked. He should pinch his forearm to make sure he wasn't only dreaming this. Judging by the reaction given by his manager, Jin's appearance on Ellen must have set off the end of the world at the very least; however, Kame didn't seem to be upset at all, save for the little umbrage upon Jin having randomly doubting and even sort of ridiculing his cooking skills. "Does it mean… you are not mad?" Jin was just making sure.
"What for?" Kame shrugged. "You know how it works. Someone will find a way to sweep it off sooner or later. You'll most probably have to spend an evening or two in the company of one of your back dancers and 'get caught', while I'll have a lunch with Koizumi-san. I've wanted to call her for ages now anyway." He didn't seem bothered at all. "And once your concerts start, as well as KAT-TUN's Asia tour, people will have other stuff to talk about and anything you've said will be pushed aside."
Kame had a point in this; that was with no doubt.
"If people were to remember all your babbling, their minds would be overloaded," a smirk twitched in a corner of Kame's lips and Jin pouted.
However, despite the teasing manner, even Jin had to agree.
The agency had been doing a great job at covering their slips over the years. Whatever had happened, their managers had always done impossible, carried off a miracle if necessary, turning the truth into a rumor and leaving it fade away in a couple of weeks. Jin couldn't imagine how his relationship with Kame would have looked like if not having been approved by Johnny; if they had had to actually hide and always watch carefully over their shoulders wherever they would have gone. As much as they loved each other, the love might have not been simply enough then…
Without much further thinking, Jin touched Kame's hand lying still on his shoulder, gave it a little squeeze, and when Kame didn't made any attempt to draw back, Jin pulled the other for a kiss. Not afraid anymore. There was no one around anyway and Jin really, just really wanted to kiss Kame at the moment. He had missed it. Him. Them. Despite all the mess his interview had most probably caused, at least Jin could tell he had been sincere.
When in America, Jin missed Kazuya.
Instinctively, Kame wound his hands around Jin's neck, pulling closer and returning the kiss with the same giddy delight he could feel from the other; Jin's tongue was teasingly poking against his, teeth tugging at Kame's bottom lip. They were chuckling into the kiss as the realization slowly came down to them. This wasn't a heated making out in a dark corner or an empty dressing room from the time before they had debuted, neither was it a secret glancing at each other, sharing light, affectionate touches during work later on. No, they were standing at an open place and there was nothing to be afraid of -
"YOU!"
A sharp, resonant voice tore them apart. Jin's breath hitched, his mind being once again flooded with rather disturbing ideas of what would come next. The moment of blissful unconcern had been washed away and the pleasurable, warm feeling Kame's closeness had been wrapping him in was gone. Johnny Kitagawa was standing in the open door of his office, having been there for only god knew how long, witnessing the whole scene, or a part of it. And despite the calm tone of Johnny's voice, Jin was quite sure there was going to be a lot of troubles before Johnny would resign and send them away with not more than another lecture. As always.
Sometimes, Jin thought their boss was sickly enjoying the times when they screwed and he could remind them of their place.
Jin shuffled his feet, looking guiltily. His hands dropped, hanging listlessly along his body. The feeling of Kame's hair remained tingling in the tips of Jin's fingertips. The cheek Kame had slapped was twitching.
On the other hand, Kame standing by Jin's left, bowed with his usual politeness and composure; because Kame had always been the one able to switch between his private and working self really quickly, as well as he had full trust in Johnny. There wasn't a reason to expect him to do more than giving them another speech about being more cautious next time, was it?
Kame's confidence got a little tear though, when Johnny turned to him with exactly the same, cold and undecipherable face that had distressed Jin a moment ago.
"And you. Inside."
Jin could only send Kame a short glance, asking him nonverbally whether there was still no reason to be worried, and then they were both trapped in Johnny's office, a room they both knew all too well. In the past, there used to be times when Johnny would take them out for a lunch when he had needed to talk to them, to two teenage boys messing around most of the time and being too close and reckless on public, more than could have been explained or covered by a simple term of friendship. With time, they had somewhat learnt to control their actions, and Johnny had ceased taking them out, rather dealing with their carelessness in the privacy of his office.
For the world outside the jimusho walls, Akanishi and Kamenashi didn't have a single reason to talk to each other. To be seen together. To mention each other's name without being cornered to do so, and even then they made only brief comments.
That had been, until Jin Akanishi had described the nice, nearly domestic time spent at Kamenashi's on a national broadcast, all the given details making the whole picture even more colorful and juicy.
"H-how…how bad is it?" Jin cleared his throat.
In fact, Jin would have felt much better if Johnny had relieved his anger right away. However, instead of shouting and reprimanding, Johnny was taking his time in silence, pouring himself a cup of tea and leaving the both young men hanging in the dark of suspense.
"Sir?"
"You two are really tempting my patience." Johnny was slowly stirring the steaming drink. "Just when I thought we finally reached a certain level of mutual understanding after all those years. There is only so much I can do to cover you two without help from your side." He hadn't yet looked at either of them, thinking carefully about everything he was going to say. The decision hadn't been the easiest one; a step into the dark perhaps, while the agency usually played the safe card. This time though, Kamenashi and Akanishi hadn't given him another choice.
Jin sensed how Kame standing by his side froze upon hearing those words. "I'm… I'm really sorry for what happened," Jin blurted out without too much thinking. All this mess was his fault after all. He was the one to be blamed and, eventually, punished for his mistake. Kame had nothing to do with Jin's slip. "She took me off guard and… and…" Jin bit his lip. There was hardly the right explanation, or excuse, for what he had said the other day. He couldn't quite comprehend it himself. "I'm ready to take full responsibility for what happened. Just leave Kazuya out of this, please."
"Jin," Kame hissed.
"I mean it."
"The one at fault is your manager in the first place," Johnny's words surprised both Jin and Kame who exchanged a quick glance; trying to grasp the unexpected course the conversation was taking. The idea of Johnny letting them get out of this so easily sounded like a fairy tale. "He should have known better than sending you onto such a show, considering your obvious lack of self-restraint at times, Akanishi."
Kame would have chuckled at the bitter pout on Jin's face at the moment, but it was neither the right place nor time for taking things easy. No matter what Johnny said, the situation was nowhere near fun.
"As for Kamenashi," Johnny's eyes flicked up and Kame's hands got sweaty, "with his name being mentioned sixteen times during a little over thirty minutes of a nationally broadcasted show, I don't really see a way to leave him out of this. Not this time, I'm sorry."
"But -" Jin gasped.
Their past had proved that fans treated Jin and Kame differently. Jin had been always forgiven soon no matter what he had done. His straightforward character was either to be loved and admired or hated, but the latter never lasted for long. His haters tended to let go and not care longer than the first couple of days, just silently waiting for another mistake of his. Kame though, had suffered from negative, often even harsh critic yet before their debut and things had grown only worse during the following years.
By his inconsiderate act, Jin might have unintentionally unleashed another wave of outrage towards Kame. One could never be sure what would make fans turn their back to someone like Kame after all. Jin cursed at the realization, fingers tensely curling into fists. If his stupid mistake was to endanger Kazuya, Jin wouldn't forgive himself.
Kame was now quickly losing the ability to keep his face, his thoughts wandering, similarly to Jin's, in directions showing more serious aspects of the whole situation. Johnny might have been calm so far, despite everything, but his words, more than a possible rage, were telling Kame the consequences would be strict this time. And not only for Jin, but for him as well. Because they had once agreed on being in this together; for better or for worse - with now being the worse indeed.
Kame always knew better than to argue with Johnny-san; so much unlike Jin whose ideas and beliefs were clashing with their boss' decisions on daily basis.
So when Johnny's next words reached his senses and Kame understood the meaning, he had no intention to question what had been decided. No matter how absurd it might have sounded at first. Johnny's actions were always well considered and not rushed. Whatever he did, was for the good of the agency.
Johnny said it was impossible to sweep the scandal away this time; especially after so many people had spotted them together a couple of weeks ago. The last bunch of rumors was still lively flying around and Jin had now only confirmed all the speculations. Johnny said it was impossible to deny Akanishi's words or turn them into a joke; not after he had practically come out and admitted a relationship with a man on a show hosted by a well-known American lesbian. Johnny said there was only one way to handle this.
"We will confirm everything."
At first, Kame wasn't sure he understood right. The more Johnny had said, the more his words had been melting in the growing buzz inside Kame's head. And from the choked sound Jin made next to him, Kame could easily guess he was not the only one confused and flabbergasted here.
Johnny couldn't possibly…? Or could he?
"The numbers speak volumes; you two reached the peak of popularity at the times when you were together 24/7. With Akanishi pursuing a career overseas now and not being around, fans constantly crave to see you interact again. This gives them the connection between the two of you they have been seeking for."
Kame would have never thought he might live long enough to hear such words coming from Johnny Kitagawa.
"Y-you want us to admit that we are together?" Kame was thinking aloud.
"Are you for real?"
Johnny patiently overlooked Jin's yelp and focused on Kame instead. "You don't need to admit anything. Both your managers have been already informed and will release a statement for media. As for the rest, nothing will change for you or your schedules." Knowing well about the effect his words must have had on the both men in front of him, Johnny gave them a sincere, almost fatherly smile of someone who cared about them and had always done all he could to protect them, shelter their fragile, brittle secret. "I don't need to emphasize that the news will cause uproar, right? No one can tell with certainty how your fans will react in general. I can only promise to stay by you and help to calm the storm down."
Kame swallowed. "Thank you, sir."
"Thank you," Jin nodded his head. He was yet catching up with all the news, trying to comprehend the sudden twist in what he had for long considered an unbreakable rule. They were going to admit everything. "And I'm really sorry."
"KAT-TUN's tour, as well as Akanishi's American concerts will start soon. Let's hope it will give people other topic to talk about."
Kame couldn't remember the last time he had heard such an anxious undertone of breakable hope in Johnny's voice. Did Johnny have doubts about the plan? Because Kame had some indeed. He remembered how eager fans had been back then when he and Jin used to stick together all the time in front of cameras. Two pretty boys making provocative gestures and showing off their closeness. What would the same fans do after learning that the closeness not only had never really disappeared but was, actually, even tighter than used to be presented?
Despite Johnny's reassuring words, Kame found himself shaking and unable to think clearly once the door closed behind them. It felt like he had been taken over to another world, to one of those worlds people dream about. A surreal, twisted reality.
A dreamy reality in which his relationship with Jin wouldn't be a secret anymore. No more silence between them, no ban on mentioning each other's name, no pretending they hadn't talked to each other for ages. Of course, Johnny's words didn't mean a complete freedom but at least they wouldn't have to hide and live in a lie the whole time.
Jin pinched his own forearm and whimpered a curse, rubbing the red spot. "Shit."
"What…?" Kame shook his head. No, he was too confused to really care about the momentary trail of Jin's thoughts, be it anything.
"It hurts, dammit!" Jin pouted. "But it also means this just now hasn't been a dream, right? Johnny really did… oh shit! I'm so sorry, Kazuya!"
"I still can't kiss you on Shounen Club though."
A moment of silence.
A shared look, turning from disbelief into mischievous smirks.
First it was Jin, but it took only a little before Kame was smirking back, strangely light-headed and oblivious of anything beyond there and then. It was difficult to even guess if they had won this - or if they could win at all; if Johnny's plan was really going to work and wouldn't backfire at them sooner or later (with sooner being the more likely option)… but as difficult as it was to stop worrying about the future, Jin's innocent, challenging grin made Kame completely careless.
They would face the new situation tomorrow.
"Why not?" Jin's smile twitched.
***
Akakame.
The word, the name squish that had been a sort of taboo for long years, wasn't a forbidden topic anymore. It was real now. Openly real, affirmed. Admitted. The news swept across the agency, being either a shock for those who had had no idea about the relationship, or sort of relief for those who didn't need to pretend or avert their looks anymore. However, a direction coming from Johnny himself 'suggested' everybody to avoid any mentioning of the matter on public for the time being. At all costs.
Kame was the first one to face obtrusive questions during a presentation of new Panasonic products.
In a way, he had been expecting the press conference to turn into this; into greedy reporters starving for sensation rather than keeping good, polite manners. Yet, the first blurted question startled him a little anyway. It had been years since he didn't have to worry about people questing for the true character of his relationship with Jin, or at least not so boldly. The sensation-seeking clamor was also a good thing of sort though.
It gave Kame an idea how the following days would look like.
The morning after, a short, concise statement was sent to media, reporting the attitude of Johnny's jimusho towards the situation to cut all the speculations short.
The announcement went along the lines that Akanishi Jin and Kamenashi Kazuya were in a relationship, had been in one for a while by now, and this fact hadn't affected their work so far, and it was unlikely to do so in the future as well. The agency had known about everything all along and had kept everything secret for sake of the two men in question. Foremost, fans and public were asked to support both Akanishi and Kamenashi also from now on as they both promised to work hard not to let their fans down.
Jin's manager updated his official site, thanking fans for their continuous support.
Kame didn't say a word.
***
"Yes, I've known about them. To be honest, I can't believe Akanishi revealed everything in such a way."
Only a short glance at Nakamaru's tensed features and you could tell how uncomfortable he was while being interrogated about the newest sensation. The official statement had been out for less than fifteen hours, and everybody was eager to get a comment from anyone close to either Akanishi or Kamenashi.
Nakamaru Yuichi was misfortunate enough to be the first. He was sitting in the studio of a morning show with no chance to slip out when the question came. Moreover, he had been the one to sort of explain Akanishi's actions already in the past. The two of them were known to be friends even outside their work, and unlike many others, Nakamaru rarely answered with 'no comment'. He knew better than that. Leaving the media hanging with a 'no comment' usually meant giving them enough space for impertinent speculations.
"Both Kamenashi and Akanishi have always worked hard for their fans and this is not going to change," Nakamaru added when both the hosts and other present guests started sighing in surprise and making astonished noises upon his previous words. "Their relationship is actually something to be admired, don't you think? Please, support them."
He didn't dare to look around though.
He had had years to understand the special bond between his two friends. It would be naive to believe that society would get used to it overnight. The relationship broke more than one unspoken, silent rule formed between an idol and a fan; and such misconduct was something a certain group of fans would only hardly get over with.
***
A reporter stopped Ueda Tatsuya on the way to his car in the underground garage of the building Ueda lived in. It was too early in the morning and Ueda was already running late, a folder with a script for a new KAT-TUN show in one hand and a pot of steaming coffee in the other, the car keys somewhere in a pocket of his jacket. His still drowsy mind was already wandering to the upcoming production meeting he was heading to. A waiting woman asking him obtrusive questions was the last thing he had been ready for, or had time for.
"I knew the basics," Ueda said in a hurry, both because of the time pressure and because he wasn't excited about the idea of having his name in tomorrow's papers connected to Akanishi's and Kamenashi's mess. "They told us when…uhm, their relationship became serious."
He was already in the car, inserting the keys into the starter when the woman knocked at his side window, demanding more.
With a sigh, Ueda rolled the glass down a little; not much because the last thing he wanted was give her an impression he actually wanted to talk to her.
"They both have always worked hard and will do so also from now on. Please support them."
And with that, the engine kicked in and Ueda carefully maneuvered the car out of the garage, leaving the reporter behind, standing there with a disappointed expression in her face. She must have been hoping for more than what she got.
***
Kame was sitting in the audience when Jin was invited as a guest to Shounen Club. It was not really the smartest idea in their current situation, to risk being spotted in there, but Kame had a free afternoon and would have been waiting around for Jin anyway. He had hidden himself behind dark glasses and had pulled a fedora down over his face which, along with a scarf wrapped around his neck, was providing enough masking to move around more or less freely among the all-girl audience expectantly waiting for Jin's performance.
The fuss over them dating hadn't faded yet, and was unlikely going to any time soon. And Kame openly attending Jin's performance would have only drawn needless attention. The attention Johnny wanted to avoid. Well, they all wanted to avoid it, actually.
The last couple of days were slowly taking its toll and Jin looked tired once having entered the stage.
He and Kame had spent most of the time either trying to understand what their lives would look like from now on, or pretending that nothing had happened and nothing had changed. The latter had worked only when they hadn't turned on the television, hadn't read newspapers or hadn't talked to anyone though.
If they did, they were immediately confronted with 'Akakame'.
Kame thought he might start cursing the day Takizawa had come up with that word, and soon.
What was whirling in Jin's head was a mystery for Kame. When Jin wanted, he was actually quite good at changing the subject of a conversation he felt uncomfortable having.
The first tones of Jin's song filled the hall and Kame soon caught himself mumbling the melody along. He wasn't really into the kind of music Jin was currently producing - he had always preferred either calm, relaxing melodies, or an utter, soothing silence after spending his days surrounded by various noises and people talking at him all the time; however, it was impossible to remain unaffected when he had been hearing Jin muttering his new songs throughout the whole working process. It was so like Jin to partake in preparations for his debut album.
Kame liked writing his own songs as well, but his other activities didn't leave him much time to do so lately. Also his solo for this year's tour and the new album was mostly a work of someone else. Kame did only so much as suggesting a couple of minor changes. But he liked the song anyway and -
Something was off.
Kame focused on Jin's performance again, leaned a little forward as if it could have helped him to see better and read Jin's rather strange gestures in a clearer way. Singing was fine, as far as Kame could tell. The same couldn't be said about the rest of Jin's act though. It wasn't like Jin to be all stiff on the stage, as well as he usually didn't wear sunglasses while performing in Japan - he had actually tried to do so for a while but had met with Johnny's disapproval.
The main article Johnny's was selling was faces after all, everything else mattered only afterwards.
With growing anxiety upon Jin's behavior, Kame bit his lip and tried to convince himself that there was nothing to worry about. Jin must have been just tired and nervous.
They both were.
Only Jin had never been the best to hide his true feelings. He had been already quite distressed because of his debut album before, and now there was yet another issue giving him sleepless nights and headaches and anxiety pressure. Kame wished there had been a way to help Jin out.
Things worked one way or another now when Jin was in Japan and they could spend some time together, when Kame could talk to Jin and actually see if his words had any effect on the other. However, in a couple of days, Jin would leave again and then there would be the whole ocean lying between them and Kame would know that Jin's 'everything is fine' would be a lie but there wouldn't be a way to change anything. He would be just sitting here in Japan, listening to Jin's unconvincing assurances over a phone.
The song ended and Jin went through a short interview, not really saying anything important or new, but the girls around Kame were screaming in excitement upon being in the same room with Jin Akanishi anyway, and at the very moment, being deafened by the screaming, Kame had a feeling that nothing had really changed. Fans were still there, supporting Jin. And judging by the similar reaction KAT-TUN had got two days ago for their performance, Kame wasn't hated either.
The feeling of relief quickly faded though, once Kame sneaked out from the auditory and made his way to the backstage. He met Jin in a dressing room, where the other was changing his clothes. And now, even more than a moment ago while Jin had been on the stage, Kame could sense something wasn't right.
"Jin?" Carefully closing the door behind his back to not make much noise, Kame isolated them from the rest of the building and the world outside. It was easier to talk to Jin when they were alone and safe. When the door clicked shut, Kame stayed where he was, back leaning against the door and watching Jin's restless, uncontrolled moves when taking off his sweater and t-shirt. A small ring that was hanging around Jin's neck got stuck in the fabric and when Jin tugged; the chain broke, followed by a soft metallic click somewhere on the floor. Kame's eyes flicked to where the sound might have possibly come from.
Jin snapped, turned around; eyes searching.
"Shit," Jin hissed. He didn't move any more, just let the chain slowly slide down his shoulder and land at his feet.
Kame forced his eyes to leave Jin's tensed frame and skim the floor. It wasn't long before he found the ring and in the next moment was handing it to Jin along with the ripped chain. "Are you okay?"
A needless question because Jin was everything but okay. He might be only a step from trembling actually, and Kame frowned.
"I'm fine. Tired, perhaps." Jin took the ring and stuffed it into a pocket, not paying it any attention. He quickly dressed up and put on his shades again. "My schedule has been busy lately, that's all."
Kame was standing there, nodding, silently counting to ten and then once more into ten. Waiting for Jin to acknowledge who he was talking to and who he was trying to delude by talking such obvious bullshit. Their schedules were always busy as hell but that had never prevented Jin from singing and dancing and giving his best upon any terms. Things were different with everything else he used to have to do as an idol, but singing, standing on stage - that was Jin's life.
"And they didn't let me perform with my dancers," Jin grumbled just to keep talking and to not let Kame get his word, because unlike Jin, Kame knew his way with words and sooner or later, he would have got Jin spilling out everything. "That's fucking insane! It's a club song, people should dance to it, and if the audience can't, then there should be dancers to make the atmosphere and -"
"Jin…"
"It's just weird when you are all alone on the whole stage." - It would be different with a ballad, Jin knew so much and he actually liked standing on a stage with no one else around, just him and a microphone and a single ray of dim light pointing at him or somewhere around him while singing a slow, calm song. His American singles were nowhere near that though, and the stage for Shounen Club was huge. He had stood there, feeling everyone's eyes directed to him, waiting for anything he would do.
They had been watching him.
Judging.
Kame nodded. "It definitely looked weird." He bit his lip and cursed because the words had just slipped out.
"They were staring at me!" And before Kame had a chance to react: "They were staring and they knew!"
- Not the best moment to remind Jin of his braggart promises to kiss Kame on a stage in front of everyone. -
Today was Jin's first public appearance since the statement about his relationship with Kame had come out and apparently, despite Jin's big talks when they were alone, he wasn't really ready to face the fans.
"I was there," Kame tried to soothe some of Jin's anxiety but soon realized his words were for nothing. They were not reaching Jin. Jin wasn't listening, hidden behind his damn sunglasses, and Kame was tired of being the one to keep calm when Jin was overreacting and acting just ridiculous. Yet, he tried. Sometimes, Jin was a bit slow at realizing stuff, after all. "I saw them, their faces and they were enjoying every second. Everything was fine. Everything is fine, Jin. Could you just stop and look at me and…"
"What if it doesn't work?" Jin gulped, his voice low. His clenched fists were now pressing into his thighs. "What if Johnny was right all those years about keeping us a secret? Fans don't want -"
"There was a hall full of people who were cheering for you, dammit! What else could you possibly want to understand that they are fine with how things are?"
Most of the time, Kame tried to be patient and was leaving Jin time and room to think about things at his own pace. When they all had been nearly about to crawl up a wall because debuting had sounded more like a dream than a possible eventuality, Kame had been right there to support Jin not to go crazy, despite his own frustration about the matter. When the longed-for debut had finally come and Jin had suddenly needed time to settle with everything, Kame had seen him off for his stay overseas with a smile and had waited for him. Unlike Jin, Kame was good at adjusting to various situations, thinking about what might come. Jin though, usually followed the first impulse and more often than not, soon found himself in a situation with no satisfying way out. Trapped in.
But then there were moments when Kame had simply had enough.
Jin breathed in and out, slowly.
"I… don't know. Something."
What did he want? A good question. He wanted to stand on a stage and see the faces in front of him seeing him, not the headlines of the latest tabloid issues.
Everything was too confusing; the way Johnny had handled the situation, the mixed reactions Jin was getting from different sources, the nearing date of his album release, the tour. It was too much, all happening at once.
He wasn't good at this, keeping calm and thinking straight when there was so much at stake, so much to lose. He hadn't spent the last year working hard to make people acknowledge and appreciate his music only to have them now staring at him and thinking of nothing else but him and Kame. Together.
If the media mess was to last for long, Jin was actually getting ready to go as far as cancelling the Japanese part of his tour that should start soon after the American one would end.
Jin shrugged.
What could Kame want him to say?
"I don't get you," Kame gave up. "It's not like you are the only one they stare at. I have to face them, too. And even more! Can you imagine how I felt during the Panasonic press con the other day? Can you? I was there to present a product, not to discuss my personal life! And yet, that was the only fucking matter the reporters cared about! They came there to ask me about you. I had to go and apologize to the company representatives for the trouble afterwards."
A snort; the only reaction Jin was able to give right away. The only way to make Kame shut up. For a moment, for a single little moment so Jin would be able to take a breath and think. He couldn't if Kame was speaking.
"The reporters were fucking assholes," Jin muttered.
"They did their job though. And we are here to do ours. I could do it the other day, you can -"
"It's different!" Jin cried, quickly losing the little of remaining patience. Apparently, the only thing he and Kame could never agree on was how to handle annoying media constantly disturbing their lives and privacy. Jin would never be able to stay as calm and composed as Kame was in every situation. Jin wanted to sing and live, preferably without the fuss coming along with being popular around, while there were times when Kame seemed to be enjoying being in the center of attention a bit too much.
If they had a chance to choose their life paths over again, Jin would have found another way to make music. Kame though, despite him often talking about pursuing his baseball dream instead, would have most probably ended right where he was now. Basking in spotlights.
"Mind telling me what is so different?" Kame raised an eyebrow. Counting to ten didn't work anymore.
"This." Jin didn't realize the thin ice he was walking on. "You being so calm about everything. It's not like things have changed for you!"
Kame eyes went wide open.
"People have been suspecting you of being gay since ever! They only didn't have a proof and now they have one. They don't look at you differently!"
"Fuck you," Kame hissed, his face twisted in a hurtful grimace and Jin only noticed a blank shadow of pain in the other's eyes before Kame looked away. Unable to face Jin anymore. His heart was hammering in his chest and Jin's words were making him choke. He tried to tell himself that what Jin had said didn't mean anything, that it was just once again Jin spilling the first thing that had come on his mind without having thought it through. That it was Jin, his Jin being scared.
However, justifying Jin all the time didn't work anymore than counting now.
Kame clenched and unclenched his fists. He didn't notice he was shaking, or how much he was shaking.
But no, he was not going to start a fight.
They would have only regretted it later, when Jin would calm down and start seeing things in a clear way once again and when Kame wouldn't feel like bursting upon anything Jin would let out of his mouth.
It was strange how well aware Jin was of not wearing the ring around his neck, not feeling the small metal under the rim of his t-shirt. He always took it off only when being asked so for photo shootings or filming. Not wearing it was weird. Not right. He shoved both hands into his pockets and pressed a thumb against the edge of the ring hidden inside. And it took him a couple of deep breaths before his eyes wandered up to meet Kame's.
Dark and disappointed. Hurt and distant.
"I'm going home," Kame's voice quivered. "Just… I don't know. Call me when you come back to your senses."
He had always known people were talking. About him. Every time there had been a Friday article with blurred photos of him and a girl, a woman, on a street, another article about him preferring men had appeared soon afterwards. Neither he nor the agency had ever said a word; though their silence was more like a silent affirmation of the obvious.
No one had really cared, knowing it wouldn't have been a big deal anyway. Kame was an idol. As long as his smile was bright enough and his act alluring, teenage girls were unlikely going to not buy anything with his face on it.
Yet, Jin's words - the accusing way he said them - hurt. And Kame had to bite his tongue not to strike back, reminding Jin of whose fault it was that people were now staring at them. At Jin.
In the first rush of irritation, when the door shut close behind him and Kame found himself outside of the dressing room, breath uneven and fingers digging into his hips to keep his hands from shaking, a dull sound buzzing in his head; he kind of wished he hadn't left and made Jin open his eyes. Made him realize how ridiculous it was to blame each other for things that couldn't be taken back anyway. However, when already sitting in his car and driving home through late afternoon traffic, Kame was glad he hadn't said anything.
At a moment like that, it would have only made everything worse.
Jin couldn't be pushed to see things the way they were; he had to find out himself.
***
Part 2