Fic for leen1707 (3/3)
Part 2
Melanie is sad to see Kame go, and she bounces out from behind her desk to plant a kiss on his cheek while Jin waits in the lobby with his duffel. "To make him jealous, darling," she breathes into Kame's ear and laughs as he flushes. He's pretty certain he hasn't let anything slip, but she just pats his arm and waves to Jin with a wide smile, "Au revoir!"
"Thank you," Kame whispers to her in Japanese. She smiles at him and winks.
There's an odd moment in the taxi when Jin keeps glancing at Kame and finally Kame asks, "What?"
"Uh, you have... lipstick," Jin says, pointing to his own cheek and biting his lip. Kame swipes at his cheek, feeling the hot flush creeping up his neck.
"It's not... here, let me," Jin says and his long, cool fingers swipe across Kame's cheek, slowly, firmly. The touch is completely innocent, but it feels electric against his skin. Kame suppresses a shiver.
Kame left all the flight details to Jin, and he's a bit surprised at himself, but it isn't work related so he tells himself it's okay to relax. Which turns out to be a mistake at least for the twenty minutes in the airport when Jin freaks out about not finding his passport. They find it in an outer pocket of his duffel and Kame smacks the back of Jin's head in exasperation. Jin whimpers but doesn't protest.
Kame vaguely thinks about how even just two days ago, he would never have dared to do that.
The flight is uneventful and Kame falls asleep listening to music. When the plane taxis on the runway, Jin nudges him awake and Kame can see the palm trees and the dazzling sunshine. He would never have thought to visit Barcelona, but he can feel the anticipation slowly seeping in to his blood.
Jin tries to show off by hailing a taxi and trying out his Spanish, but the driver turns out to speak better English than Spanish and Kame can't help but laugh at Jin's crestfallen face.
"I asked Yu for hotel suggestions last night and he said this place was cheap and close to the sea, though it's probably too cold to go surfing," Jin says, once they've pulled up to the hotel.
"You surf?"
"Nah, not really. Never really learned properly like you did. But I thought you might like to, so I asked him," Jin says, pulling his duffel out of the trunk of the taxi. Kame pays the taxi driver who's grumbling in English, but Kame can't catch the words to make out what he's saying. He just offers the disgruntled man a confused smile.
The room they get at the hotel is small, but it has large windows facing the street and two beds. By the time they settle down and freshen up, it's already late afternoon.
Kame hasn't even realized, but he suddenly notices how easy it's been, just being around Jin. All the little things that seemed to irritate him are still there... the sloppiness, the carelessness, the smirking, and he tries to puzzle out what's different now.
Maybe it's that he understands Jin a bit better now, recognizes him, and Jin isn't this impregnable fortress of brooding silence. Jin is making an effort, and it shows, in the small glances when he checks with Kame about decisions, the pauses before he says something, as if he's thinking about what's appropriate.
And slowly, a different kind of pain creeps in, the familiar knot in Kame's stomach tensing when he catches himself lingering on Jin's fingers or throat or lips. Even the most casual brush as they pass each other in the small room makes Kame's breath stutter, and he's terrified of showing his hand somewhere, of letting his guard down.
Kame breathes easier when they're out in the street again, with a map - this time with no red squiggly guiding lines - and his camera.
~~~
After a quick, unremarkable snack at the strangely named Qu-Qu, Kame and Jin walk along the wide boulevard running through the middle of the city. It's a called name Kame can't get his tongue around, but Jin tries, rolling his Rs, saying it slowly so Kame can repeat after him, "Las Ramblas."
Jin isn't carrying anything, so he stuffs his hands in his jacket pockets. Those obnoxious white-rimmed sunglasses obscure his eyes, and all Kame can see are his expressive eyebrows, furled against the bright sunlight filtering in through the trees lining the street.
The atmosphere here is so different from London and Paris, almost tropical. Orange trees dot the sidewalks and clothes hang from balconies, swaying in the breeze. The city has a different rhythm, too, more sedate and whimsical.
The only similarity Kame feels to London and Paris is the age in the stones and mortar, the peeling paint and the wrought iron, but they form a completely different pattern here, sea-scented, vibrant and colorful. Even the sidewalks are imprinted with swirling, surreal designs of ferns and shells, and Kame stops and points his camera down to take a picture.
"Do you know where we're headed?" Jin asks, head turned to Kame as they walk.
"To the ocean," Kame replies. Just as he says it, a slight breeze blows from the direction they're walking in and Kame closes his eyes to savor the feeling. It's the wrong moment though because he trips on the uneven stones of the sidewalk and Jin grabs him before he topples.
"Careful," Jin mumbles, fingers squeezing slightly, and Kame's skin tingles everywhere Jin's warm hands have touched it through his clothes and it's utterly absurd how flustered Kame feels, like he's balanced at a knife's edge.
Kame falls into a silent brood, using the excuse of his camera to walk off on tangents and take pictures while Jin slouches in place, sighing and waiting for him while chewing on his lip. While Jin isn't looking, he sneaks some shots of Jin, standing in the middle of the streets, exasperated and... cute. Kame groans quietly to himself.
"Let's get a beer soon," Jin suggests, when Kame comes back from a journey down an alley with intricate balconies, cracks in the walls and interesting shadows. Kame can smell the ocean now, with the breeze getting stronger. Las Ramblas bustles with vendors and street performers and many tourists, like Jin and Kame, basking in the warm sun.
Jin reaches for him suddenly and Kame jerks back before realizing that Jin is aiming for his camera. "Let me... I mean, can I take some? You should be in some of them," Jin says and he sounds hesitant.
Kame still can't wrap his head around the difference between Jin the last few times he had sustained contact with him, and Jin now. Back then, Jin was so sullen and brusque some days, and flighty and giddy others, like he was two different people, and there was no in between, no stable ground.
But Jin now, he's like a steady if slightly impatient presence and Kame wonders if maybe he's finally grown up, finally become himself.
Before he can follow his train of thought further, they reach the ocean. A wide grin breaks out on Jin's face, dissolving the rigid lines into something breathtaking.
They both squint at the ocean, the sun's rays glinting off the waves and into their eyes. There's one last street to cross before they hit the wide pavement next to the deep blue-green water and Jin jogs and drops down on the pier, dangling his legs over the edge and pushing his sunglasses off his face.
The wind blows his hair all over and he laughs up at Kame, and without a second thought, Kame points his camera at Jin's face and snaps a picture.
Jin's smile is more blinding than the sun.
~~~
Kame isn't really sure how he ended up this drunk, but he vaguely remembers that he told Jin they should stay close to their hotel. He hums as he walks, a little wobbly, but with Jin's hovering presence nearby.
They pass by shuttered storefronts and the night lights sparkle off the windows of parked cars, blurring at the edges of Kame's vision.
After stuffing themselves with seafood paella, Kame and Jin wandered around the city, aimless. Even with no landmarks in mind, Kame ended up stumbling on some gorgeous buildings and nearly filling up his camera's memory card.
The rest of the day was like taking cautious footsteps into the pages of his past, the lines blurring and fading between Jin now and Jin long ago, with his too-wide smile and the warm brackets around his soft lips and the creases melting into the corners of his eyes. Kame's fingers itched to trace along those happy lines.
They somehow ended up at a small bar, where Jin decided tequila shots were a great idea and the bar tender decided Kame deserved free drinks and liberal, stinging claps on the back.
To Kame's misfortune, Jin has always had a higher tolerance, and now Kame's trying to walk at a normal pace in a straight line through the hotel's lobby while his vision swims. They make it up to their floor in the tiny tin box of an elevator without incident and Kame's feeling warm, exhausted and giddy, with a tiny lance of fear.
Jin opens the door and Kame's walking too close behind to slow down when Jin stops.
"You ass," Jin laughs, as Kame bumps into him, and Kame just giggles drunkenly, so elated in the moment that he feels like he's floating over the carpet. He stumbles in the door, shushing Jin while simultaneously giggling and removing his shoes, letting them fall to the floor in noisy thunks.
It's better than a cheap hotel room with rough, cotton sheets and small beds, but everything about the room feels so nostalgic, like their younger days on tour when Kame and Jin would curl up in blankets and tell each other stories even when they were supposed to be asleep for an early call the next morning.
He swallows hard as the memories flood back, and he stumbles to the empty bed in the dim light, falling down on it face first. Throat working to hide his emotions, Kame distinctly wishes he weren't such an emotional drunk. He kind of wishes Koki were around to tease him and take care of him, emotionally uncomplicated Koki, who never demands anything of him, who never unsettles him, who never makes him feel so much, too much.
Jin's weight falls half on him with a laugh and Kame stills, feeling guilty for not struggling like Jin probably expected him to. He enjoys the warmth too much, pressing secretly into Jin's side and craving the way their bodies crush against each other. He feels sick with want, and wretched for the subterfuge in indulging it.
It takes him a moment to realize he sniffled out loud.
"Hey," Jin whispers, breath brushing intimately against Kame's neck. It feels as amazing as it feels horrible, because it's something that Kame's always wanted, but Jin doesn't know - can't know - how Kame feels.
Kame pulls back and is embarrassed by how his breath hitches raggedly. He must have the most pathetic expression on his face and all he can think is 'I spent so much time giving up on you.' He can't read Jin's expression except for the frown. But it's not a frown of anger or dislike. It's somewhere closer to concentration. He's in awe because this is a rare expression on Jin's face, one he hasn't seen in years.
"Kame?"
"Hmm," he hums in response, eyes drifting to focus on the ceiling, unnerved by the sensation of being the sole focus of Jin's attention.
"What are you going to do now?"
"Why are you here?" he counters, unable to answer.
"Because... you're Kame. You're Kamenashi Kazuya, the great hope for the jimusho, but I don't really give a fuck what they want." Jin turns his body to face Kame squarely.
"Maru's been texting me constantly, like a mother hen. And Koki... even he contacted me, well, mostly to say he'd punch me in the throat and make sure I could never reproduce if I let anything happen to you. But..."
Jin sighs and pushes the hair off his forehead. "Maybe, I don't know... maybe this is me repaying my debt to you," he mumbles, with a shrug. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it's a waste for you to give everything up," he says.
Kame doesn't say anything, only swallows dryly.
"I do understand, you know. It's like... when I went... away, I couldn't figure out who I was anymore. I wasn't even sure what was me and what was something they'd trained me to be. It all felt so fucked up. But you..." Jin lets out a sharp laugh. "I always hated how hard you worked. It made the rest of us look like lazy asses, but Kame..."
Kame turns to look at him again because the silence stretches.
"Where would you rather be? What would you rather be doing?"
"I don't know," Kame says, his voice raw and trembling.
"Wouldn't you miss everything?"
Kame swallows and turns onto his back, facing the ceiling.
"I don't know. I don't know... I don't..." He puts his arm over his face and breathes through his mouth. He flinches in surprise when he feels Jin's hand fall on his shoulder, and the warmth seeping into his skin undoes him slowly.
~~~
The next morning, Kame takes his time in the bathroom, a little apprehensive to face Jin. He shaves, for the first time in days, and trims his eyebrows, a wry smile sneaking out while he performs the familiar routine. It feels like battle dress, like he's finding steady ground again. He dawdles over his rings and necklaces for a while too, his fingers and neck feeling naked and exposed after days away from all the accessories. He pulls out his old favorite, the large skull ring, and a thin black and red beaded necklace.
Yes, battle dress.
~~~
Kame and Jin walk north, after finding some pastries at an open air farmer's market, and Barcelona's lush greens and golds and rusts sparkle in the bright sun, despite the chill in the air. Some of the buildings, and Kame checks to make sure they aren't museums or anything notable in the small guidebook he picked up at the airport, have intricate stonework and stained glass, with delicate looking painted tiles and pillars.
It's a windy day and both he and Jin hunch against the cold when a particularly chilly blast hits. They get lost, stop for lunch and a beer, wander down random alleys and avenues, and eventually end up at the Sagrada Família.
Barcelona must have an unexpected number of Japanese tourists because Kame finds some of the descriptions marked in Japanese, as well as a small folding brochure in Japanese that explains the history of the giant, unfinished basilica while they wait in line to go inside. From the outside, it is the strangest church Kame has ever seen, with endless spires of organic looking stone, twisting skyward and giant cranes still hanging over them with planks and wire and other construction.
Once they enter, they can see the soaring columns and the stunning stained glass, all in a style that Kame's never seen before, like tree branches or abstract hands reaching for the sky.
"Apparently they started building this in 1882," Kame says, reading aloud from the brochure. Jin grunts at him, but looks preoccupied with taking it all in. "They think they'll finish in 2026, wow."
"Actually," Kame continues, not even sure if Jin is listening, "the man who designed this designed a lot of buildings in Barcelona. Oh, it says here he also designed a park."
When he looks up again, Jin is grinning at him, snapping a picture with Kame's camera which he had weaseled out of him earlier.
Kame rolls his eyes at Jin. "Are we done with churches then?"
"Let's go to the park," Jin replies, and okay, maybe he was listening.
~~~
By the time they make it to Park Guell, the sun is on its descent and the air is getting colder. Jin huffs as they climb up the long, narrow street to the park's entrance. "Ugh, I hate walking," he whines, dragging his sneakers. "Couldn't we just take a taxi?"
"Where's the fun in that?" Kame asks, but he finds himself smiling at Jin's hunched back.
The inside of the park is nothing like Kame expected, with bright splashes of colored mosaics, whimsical, like fragments of dreams. There are almost no straight lines or sharp edges in the sculptures of the park, each structure wavy and organic.
"Uwah, it's gorgeous," Jin breathes out beside him hands on his hips while he catches his breath. His shirt clings softly to his frame as the wind blows, and Kame averts his eyes when he can't stop staring at the peek of collarbone.
"I can't believe Yu got to grow up here," Jin says. "It's so... I dunno, like walking into a fairytale."
"Yeah," Kame says. There are couples and families sitting on the wavy sections of mosaics, relaxing and looking out at the city sprawled underneath them. Kame can make out ships in the distance, beyond the narrow beach, in the deep blue, distant water.
Jin shouts in his ear, "Race you to the top," and starts sprinting up the spiral path going into the trees, up the hill at the center of the park. Kame clutches his camera tightly and starts running, knowing he can catch up because he's in better physical condition than Jin.
He loses sight of Jin, however, and the path keeps twisting and branching off and there's a sudden sort of irrational, gripping terror that he'll lose Jin forever if he can't find him right away. It fuels his sprinting, and Kame runs so fast that some of the other tourists ambling about turn to stare at him.
When he sees the sloping gait of Jin ahead, hoodie flapping in the wind, Kame can't deny the way his heart leaps. He keeps jogging until he's caught up to Jin and claps him on the back, making sure it stings.
"Oww," Jin whines and then laughs. "Don't beat me just because you lost," he says between breaths.
"You cheated," Kame pants, also busy catching his breath. Jin's hands clutch his sides and he winces and groans, bending over. "That's what you get, you lazy ass."
Jin just laughs at him and flops down, right on the path, knees bent and hands splayed behind him. He closes his eyes against the setting sun, and Kame's heart lurches.
Kame feels like his heart has expanded to ten times its original size in the last few days, growing soft and vulnerable. He feels each deep, heavy thump in his bones, and at times, like now, it feels like it might explode out of his chest. He has always been the stupidest kind of romantic, he thinks, laughing bitterly to himself as he looks out into the fading purple sunset. He doesn't dare look beside him, at Jin's profile.
His feelings for Jin were bound up and locked away for years, somewhere secret and safe, because they were never appropriate and always dangerous. They were the specks of carbon that Kame burned away when he forged himself from iron into steel long ago.
Now there's a singular emotion, and a name that is slowly emerging for that emotion. It washes over him like a tidal wave, and it feels like Kame's giving in to the undertow.
A small part of him finds it ironic that it's Jin - after everything between them - that inspires this feeling. Jin, who has always provoked and unsettled him. Jin, who Kame can't always understand. Jin, who, yes, hurt him.
But then, Kame thinks, it's not surprising at all in some ways, because it was Jin who first held his hand, clumsy and sweaty. Jin, who told him he believed in him. Jin, who liked him just as he was, long before Kame grew into himself.
All of this feels like a dream, some kind of strange time warp with a deadline where Kame gets his Jin back and he isn't sure if he can function when it all ends, which it will. He's torn between his well-developed instinct for self-preservation and the desire to just let himself enjoy it all, while it lasts.
In the end, it wasn't even a choice, and before he knew it, there was a heavy, clawing ache in his chest and a strange headiness, like he was falling, deeper and deeper.
It's nothing grand and dramatic like I can't live without you or you make me complete. It's more like suddenly there is a whole unexplored and dazzling universe of emotions, all these possibilities that Kame never even imagined, like color blooming in a gray world or the first tender buds of spring peeking through the winter frost.
It's okay, Kame thinks, because even if I can never have you, these feelings still live in my heart.
~~~
When they randomly choose a restaurant near the hotel for dinner, Kame doesn't expect the night to end at a night club, but it is Jin after all, and there are pretty Spanish girls fawning over his stilted Spanish and his hair and he gives them a husky laugh and Kame can smile, of course, even if he's breaking apart inside.
It's okay, he keeps repeating, like a mantra, indulging the girls' curiosity, and he has to admit they are nice. They mostly communicate through hand gestures, as Kame's English and their English are both too heavily accented for them to comprehend each other.
It's okay, he thinks and drinks two gin and tonics very fast. He has danced only for work for so long, he's almost forgotten what it's like to completely let go when the beat pounds through your bones, but it's easy to move, easy to lose himself, to stop thinking, to let his limbs sway and bend, completely given up to the rhythm and beat.
One of the girls, he doesn't remember her name or how to pronounce it, attaches herself to Kame's hips and he isn't sure if maybe he should back away, but the searing pain that comes when he sees Jin near the bar leaning in to whisper into one of the other girls' ears blinkers all doubts.
It's okay, Kame tells himself as her hands move from his arms up his back and he shouldn't care because he has a pretty girl in his arms and she laughs near his ear and everything is simple again, if he doesn't think about where his heart is.
He loses track of Jin, there's that gripping fear again, music pounding in his ears, his temples, and the girl seems to lose interest as he slows down the movement of his hips. She gives him a soft smile and a kiss on his cheek before leaving, and Kame thinks he must really look like he needed it.
He feels out of breath and like he's teetering, and the lights and sound pound into him relentlessly.
He walks outside the club and takes out his phone which has been off for days now, since his first night in Paris. He turns it on, and of course, it's on its lowest battery, but he calls his voicemail, finally, wanting to hear something familiar, something safe and comforting.
"Hello. Kame, uh, Matsuyama-san called and told me the news about Going," Nakamaru's halting voice says, and it's so close, so warm. "None of us... we're happy for you, whatever you want to do, okay? I hope you get to see all the places you wanted to in London. Take care."
"Hello, it's me, Yuichi. What do you mean 'I'll be back'? Kame, please call back. I hope you're okay."
"Kame, what the hell was that email about," Koki's voice shouts, with no preamble. Kame knows him well enough to know it's frustration, not anger, in his voice. "Call me back, you bastard. I'm really worried."
"Kamenashi," Ueda's even voice says, and Kame can't make out the emotion behind it. "What's going on? Manager-san says you haven't come back on your flight. Is everything okay?"
"Kame," says Nakamaru again. "Kazuya, whatever it is, we'll figure it out together, ne? Please contact one of us. We're all worried about you."
"Kazu-chan," Taguchi's voice singsongs on the phone. "What's going on? Nakamaru won't stop worrying about you. I think he's losing hair."
"Kame! This better not be some kind of sick joke," Koki says, and Kame is horrified when he realizes Koki might actually be sniffling. "We miss you, idiot."
Kame doesn't know how many he's listened to and he realizes there are tears running down his face only when the wind blows and his face feels unnaturally cool. He misses them all, so much. He sniffles and wipes his hands across his cheeks, and just in time too, he realizes as Jin comes out of the club's doorway.
"Oh thank god," Jin says, jogging up to him. "I thought I'd lost you."
"I couldn't find you," Kame says quietly, trying to hide how hoarse his voice sounds. "Figured you would come out eventually."
"Ah, I'm tired," Jin says, stretching, and Kame turns away from where Jin's T-shirt lifts to reveal his stomach. "Lucky that we're close to the hotel."
They walk in silence, and it's probably only heavy in Kame's mind. The night air feels wonderful against his skin, but he dimly wonders why it feels like a parting caress. It's okay, he keeps thinking to himself.
"I know now," Kame says, as soon as they enter their room, Kame ahead of Jin. "I'm going back." He busies himself with removing his ring and necklaces so he doesn't have to look at Jin.
"There's nothing more really," Kame continues. "Nothing to search for or run from... nothing I can have that's within my reach anyway and I should just learn to be happy with what I have." He startles when Jin grabs his wrist.
"It's not supposed to be... I don't want to make you go back. That's not what..." Jin says, and he suddenly looks like he's about to cry, Kame thinks with alarm. "If I could, I'd never let you go."
"What?"
Jin turns Kame toward him and grabs his shoulders, his hands squeezing Kame's flesh lightly. "Kame," is all he says, scratchy. Kame tries to straighten, but Jin pushes him back slowly, against the wall, and it's not like Kame's struggling yet because he's so confused. He looks at Jin's face and it's drawn tight and hollow, his eyes wide and bright and his eyebrows furrowed, almost in pain.
Jin pushes harder and Kame pushes back though the wall is at his back. "Jin! What are you doing?" In the space of a breath, Jin's mouth is on his, hard, bruising, but this is more like fighting than... Kame refuses to complete the thought. He feels Jin's lips, dry, needy and forceful, the rasp of his stubble, the sharp bite of his teeth. He gathers his strength again and pushes, reacting purely in shock. Jin moves away and only then does Kame notice the silent trails down the other's cheeks.
"I've fought... for years. I've fought this feeling, myself, my..." Jin's voice cracks and he looks down at the floor. "I'm sorry if you don't..." Kame doesn't understand what's happening, but his hand unconsciously reaches out to placate the other. He reaches Jin's shoulder which shudders slightly under his palm.
"Jin, talk to me," he murmurs, licking his lips, quietly astonished that his voice comes out so steady. Jin's long, cool fingers tremble as they approach his face. Kame can sense the trembling in Jin's hands, arms, torso. He says Jin's name again, softly.
Kame feels something inside him thawing, loosening, turning into something he can't quite control anymore. He feels a short, sharp burst of panic but it quickly mingles with relief and resignation...
Kame felt it, long ago, a burning, prickling, immovable, almost engulfing sensation, his fingers magnetized for the touch of Jin's skin. He had tamped down on the desire viciously, burying it under layers and layers of useless junk. He had hoped it was buried deep enough that the bones of it would never surface in the sand but he can recognize its aching shape, feel its throb and it terrifies and thrills him to his core.
Like this feeling will burn him up, use him completely until all that remains is ashes.
That's okay too, Kame thinks.
He pulls, maybe harder than he should, but he can't help the burning, plunging feeling inside, the need for a reaction, a response to this wild thing building inside himself, trying to claw its way out.
"Jin," he says, voice low and rough. He isn't sure if the way his fingers dig into Jin's hair and pull him closer is too rough, but he can't stop himself. "Jin."
"Yes," Jin replies, right before his soft, full lips press against Kame's hesitantly. The most absurd combination of a sob and a laugh rips its way through Kame's throat, into his mouth, into the kiss, and Jin's lips smile in answer. Kame feels Jin's breath whisper over his face, an intimate caress.
"Jin," Kame mumbles again, just because he can, and he thinks this must be what insanity feels like because he can't control anything, his thoughts, his body, his emotions. His hands cradle Jin's head, fingers combed through the reckless curls, neck arching to reach Jin.
Jin's hands have a firm grip on Kame's waist, like Kame's the one anchoring him to the ground, and he slowly pulls away, soft, brown eyes looking at Kame. "Kame," he says roughly, and his mouth twists up at the corner, the smile crooked and familiar and all Kame's.
"This is crazy," Kame blurts out.
"I know," Jin laughs, a nervous edge. His fingers glide down Kame's shoulder and find his hand and slowly intertwine with his fingers and it feels so startlingly intimate and like an echo of a memory, like Jin and Kame tangled together years ago.
"For how long?" Kame asks, and his body can't decide what emotion it's feeling right now. He feels like he's flying apart slowly, deliciously.
"I can't remember," Jin whispers, eyelashes brushing his cheeks as he looks down at their hands. "It kinda hurt to look at you sometimes, and I thought it was something else. I thought... for the longest time I hated how confused you made me, how much I felt, how much it hurt."
"Here," he says quietly, a finger tapping against his chest. He looks up again, at Kame, and Kame can't breathe because here is Jin, cagey, jagged, fickle Jin, offering his honest vulnerability.
Kame hesitates for a moment, not sure what he's allowed yet, and his hand sneaks out of Jin's grip and he traces up Jin's arm, trailing up his back. Jin's breath shudders out.
"Me too," Kame says, and he doesn't have the words right now, his throat raw and ripped apart. He pulls Jin close, bites at his full lower lip, sucking slowly, and a groan escapes from Jin's throat.
"So long," Kame murmurs, and he doesn't care about making sense when everything, the air around them, feels like it's crackling with energy, burning up all the oxygen.
He pulls at Jin's jacket, and Jin moves to help him, letting out a dry chuckle. Kame's skin tingles all over, and he sheds his own jacket with no help, and something dips low and sweet in his gut when Jin pulls back close to him, hands reaching for the hem of Kame's shirt.
"I don't know what I'm doing," Jin murmurs, and there's a gorgeous flush across his cheekbones as he pulls Kame's T-shirt over his head and stares intensely at Kame's body. Kame tries not to move to cover himself, a completely irrational response. They'd grown up sharing showers and dressing rooms, of course. It just feels so different now, with this new awareness, Jin's gaze moving over him almost like a physical caress.
"I do," Kame rasps, and shivers as Jin's fingers trail down his stomach, lower, lower, to his belt buckle. He can still smell the faint traces of whatever soap Jin used, and the warm scent that he recognizes as just Jin. He wonders for a moment whether this is all real, when Jin's lips drag slowly across his jaw and Kame has to grab onto Jin so his knees don't give out.
They tumble on to the bed, jeans kicked off, clothes in disarray, and Kame smoothing Jin's hair off his face, every brush of their bare skin electrifying him with its hot, melting friction. Jin's eyes, his beautiful, warm, heavy-lidded eyes follow Kame and he can feel Jin swell against his stomach as Kame hovers over him on his hands and knees. Kame inhales sharply, starved of air, and he feels light-headed.
Jin's hands, now warm, travel up the muscles of Kame's back and linger, hesitant, and Kame looks down at him. There's a slight furrow in Jin's forehead, but it clears in a moment, and he pulls Kame down, leg hooking around Kame's, tangling them tightly together, as Jin's mouth finds a tender spot on Kame's throat, licking and sucking slowly. Kame gives up on supporting his weight with his hands and presses his lips to every bare patch of skin he can find while his hand finds the swelling hardness between Jin's legs.
Jin squirms under him and lets out a low keening sound that sends all of Kame's blood rushing south. He can't quite control how his hips thrust against Jin's and Jin's answer back with a thrust of their own, both languid and urgent at the same time, through the thin fabric of their boxers. Jin's eyes are closed, and Kame leans forward, drawing a slow, melting kiss out of him, teeth, tongues, heat and sparks.
Something about the way Jin's hands linger on Kame's skin makes Kame's heart sting with a beautiful ache, and he pulls away slowly, opening his eyes and stilling his body. Jin opens his eyes slightly, and the full blown lust there hits Kame squarely in the gut, making his blood pound deep and heavy.
"Doesn't this feel less weird than it should?" Jin asks, voice thick, sending a shiver down Kame's spine.
"Mmm," Kame says, straddling Jin properly, the slick drag of skin against skin making him harder. It is surprising, how well they fit, Kame thinks, as Jin's hand comes up and strokes against Kame's cheek thoughtfully.
The pause does nothing to ease the tension which draws Kame's body taut and makes him throb almost painfully and he can feel the way Jin's body undulates beneath his, building momentum slowly. Kame moves his hand to stroke over their hardnesses simultaneously, and Jin arches his back sharply, nearly throwing Kame off. They roll over, with the imbalance, and Jin thrusts wildly until Kame's hands reach out to steady him, stroking his hip bone, Kame's foot rubbing against Jin's calf.
"Kame," Jin's breath shudders out. "I want..."
Kame pulls Jin's boxers down and Jin pulls off Kame's, flushed and eager, hissing a drawn out "fuck" at the first touch of Kame's hand directly on his hardness, grinding their pelvises together hard. Kame can't breathe or find a rhythm any longer, and he knows that he's close, he can feel the sharpness of the edge in his veins, pulse pounding like thunder as Jin gasps into his neck, short puffs brushing against his sensitized skin.
"Jin," he gasps, hands scrabbling at the tight muscles on Jin's back, while his hips lift with each blind thrust.
Kame tenses as Jin's head bends and his mouth finds a nipple, body shuddering on the brink of falling apart, and he quickly moves his hand to Jin's hardness, tugging at his length. He wants Jin everywhere, but it's impossible, so he decides he most wants Jin's mouth on his, and pulls Jin's head up, fingers threading roughly through his softly curling hair, and bites his lip, melding their mouths as their hips rock together.
Jin comes with a long, hoarse moan and Kame feels himself unraveling, breath shuddering, body aflame, heart beating out of his chest.
~~~
"So, that's how it is?"
"Um, there's... more. I just couldn't, uh, control myself," Kame stammers.
It's a novel feeling, this feeling of being flustered. Jin laughs at Kame's expression, leaning over to plant a wet, languorous kiss on his mouth, the sheets rustling around his naked form. Kame finds his thumb rubbing soothing circles into Jin's hip, and it's surreal and domestic and everything Kame told himself it was impossible for him to ever have.
~~~
Hours later, skin still pressed against damp skin, Kame whispers, "I do want to go back. I miss them. I miss everything. It was... being away was both painful and eye-opening. But I'm done running, or whatever. I just... want to do it a little more on my terms."
Jin's hand traces absent-mindedly over Kame's arm, and his leg is slung possessively over Kame's thigh. "Hmmm, you know I understand that," he murmurs. "Maybe you can negotiate? Johnny has always liked you more than you thought."
Kame snorts at that, but he starts thinking.
~~~
The next morning, Kame does something he's never dared to do. He makes demands and stands his ground, with Matsuyama-san sighing a lot at the other end of the phone. Kame tells him Johnny can have his Kamenashi Kazuya single if each of the members have backing for their own pet projects, or nothing at all.
It's terrifying and exhilarating, but Kame has been walking this tightrope for so long, he barely feels the wind trying to topple him.
Jin leans his shoulder against Kame's as he talks on the phone, a silent support.
~~~
When Kame returns to the jimusho for the first time, Koki punches his arm enough that it leaves a bruise and Junno won't stop throwing puns at him no matter how much he glares. Ueda just smiles a self-satisfied smile while Nakamaru fusses over Kame, saying he's lost weight, which is a blatant lie, but it feels so good, so comforting to be back that Kame just absorbs it all, storing it away as a priceless moment.
He remembers to breathe.
~~~
Kame wasn't sure if those stolen moments of quiet intimacy in Barcelona meant anything, but when he comes home from the first full day of rehearsals and recordings for his single, there's a figure hunched near his apartment door, in a hood, with a curly mop of hair peeking out.
"Yo."
"Long time no see," Kame says, and he can't stop the smile from spreading across his face at the sight of Jin.
~~~fin~~~
Melanie is sad to see Kame go, and she bounces out from behind her desk to plant a kiss on his cheek while Jin waits in the lobby with his duffel. "To make him jealous, darling," she breathes into Kame's ear and laughs as he flushes. He's pretty certain he hasn't let anything slip, but she just pats his arm and waves to Jin with a wide smile, "Au revoir!"
"Thank you," Kame whispers to her in Japanese. She smiles at him and winks.
There's an odd moment in the taxi when Jin keeps glancing at Kame and finally Kame asks, "What?"
"Uh, you have... lipstick," Jin says, pointing to his own cheek and biting his lip. Kame swipes at his cheek, feeling the hot flush creeping up his neck.
"It's not... here, let me," Jin says and his long, cool fingers swipe across Kame's cheek, slowly, firmly. The touch is completely innocent, but it feels electric against his skin. Kame suppresses a shiver.
Kame left all the flight details to Jin, and he's a bit surprised at himself, but it isn't work related so he tells himself it's okay to relax. Which turns out to be a mistake at least for the twenty minutes in the airport when Jin freaks out about not finding his passport. They find it in an outer pocket of his duffel and Kame smacks the back of Jin's head in exasperation. Jin whimpers but doesn't protest.
Kame vaguely thinks about how even just two days ago, he would never have dared to do that.
The flight is uneventful and Kame falls asleep listening to music. When the plane taxis on the runway, Jin nudges him awake and Kame can see the palm trees and the dazzling sunshine. He would never have thought to visit Barcelona, but he can feel the anticipation slowly seeping in to his blood.
Jin tries to show off by hailing a taxi and trying out his Spanish, but the driver turns out to speak better English than Spanish and Kame can't help but laugh at Jin's crestfallen face.
"I asked Yu for hotel suggestions last night and he said this place was cheap and close to the sea, though it's probably too cold to go surfing," Jin says, once they've pulled up to the hotel.
"You surf?"
"Nah, not really. Never really learned properly like you did. But I thought you might like to, so I asked him," Jin says, pulling his duffel out of the trunk of the taxi. Kame pays the taxi driver who's grumbling in English, but Kame can't catch the words to make out what he's saying. He just offers the disgruntled man a confused smile.
The room they get at the hotel is small, but it has large windows facing the street and two beds. By the time they settle down and freshen up, it's already late afternoon.
Kame hasn't even realized, but he suddenly notices how easy it's been, just being around Jin. All the little things that seemed to irritate him are still there... the sloppiness, the carelessness, the smirking, and he tries to puzzle out what's different now.
Maybe it's that he understands Jin a bit better now, recognizes him, and Jin isn't this impregnable fortress of brooding silence. Jin is making an effort, and it shows, in the small glances when he checks with Kame about decisions, the pauses before he says something, as if he's thinking about what's appropriate.
And slowly, a different kind of pain creeps in, the familiar knot in Kame's stomach tensing when he catches himself lingering on Jin's fingers or throat or lips. Even the most casual brush as they pass each other in the small room makes Kame's breath stutter, and he's terrified of showing his hand somewhere, of letting his guard down.
Kame breathes easier when they're out in the street again, with a map - this time with no red squiggly guiding lines - and his camera.
~~~
After a quick, unremarkable snack at the strangely named Qu-Qu, Kame and Jin walk along the wide boulevard running through the middle of the city. It's a called name Kame can't get his tongue around, but Jin tries, rolling his Rs, saying it slowly so Kame can repeat after him, "Las Ramblas."
Jin isn't carrying anything, so he stuffs his hands in his jacket pockets. Those obnoxious white-rimmed sunglasses obscure his eyes, and all Kame can see are his expressive eyebrows, furled against the bright sunlight filtering in through the trees lining the street.
The atmosphere here is so different from London and Paris, almost tropical. Orange trees dot the sidewalks and clothes hang from balconies, swaying in the breeze. The city has a different rhythm, too, more sedate and whimsical.
The only similarity Kame feels to London and Paris is the age in the stones and mortar, the peeling paint and the wrought iron, but they form a completely different pattern here, sea-scented, vibrant and colorful. Even the sidewalks are imprinted with swirling, surreal designs of ferns and shells, and Kame stops and points his camera down to take a picture.
"Do you know where we're headed?" Jin asks, head turned to Kame as they walk.
"To the ocean," Kame replies. Just as he says it, a slight breeze blows from the direction they're walking in and Kame closes his eyes to savor the feeling. It's the wrong moment though because he trips on the uneven stones of the sidewalk and Jin grabs him before he topples.
"Careful," Jin mumbles, fingers squeezing slightly, and Kame's skin tingles everywhere Jin's warm hands have touched it through his clothes and it's utterly absurd how flustered Kame feels, like he's balanced at a knife's edge.
Kame falls into a silent brood, using the excuse of his camera to walk off on tangents and take pictures while Jin slouches in place, sighing and waiting for him while chewing on his lip. While Jin isn't looking, he sneaks some shots of Jin, standing in the middle of the streets, exasperated and... cute. Kame groans quietly to himself.
"Let's get a beer soon," Jin suggests, when Kame comes back from a journey down an alley with intricate balconies, cracks in the walls and interesting shadows. Kame can smell the ocean now, with the breeze getting stronger. Las Ramblas bustles with vendors and street performers and many tourists, like Jin and Kame, basking in the warm sun.
Jin reaches for him suddenly and Kame jerks back before realizing that Jin is aiming for his camera. "Let me... I mean, can I take some? You should be in some of them," Jin says and he sounds hesitant.
Kame still can't wrap his head around the difference between Jin the last few times he had sustained contact with him, and Jin now. Back then, Jin was so sullen and brusque some days, and flighty and giddy others, like he was two different people, and there was no in between, no stable ground.
But Jin now, he's like a steady if slightly impatient presence and Kame wonders if maybe he's finally grown up, finally become himself.
Before he can follow his train of thought further, they reach the ocean. A wide grin breaks out on Jin's face, dissolving the rigid lines into something breathtaking.
They both squint at the ocean, the sun's rays glinting off the waves and into their eyes. There's one last street to cross before they hit the wide pavement next to the deep blue-green water and Jin jogs and drops down on the pier, dangling his legs over the edge and pushing his sunglasses off his face.
The wind blows his hair all over and he laughs up at Kame, and without a second thought, Kame points his camera at Jin's face and snaps a picture.
Jin's smile is more blinding than the sun.
~~~
Kame isn't really sure how he ended up this drunk, but he vaguely remembers that he told Jin they should stay close to their hotel. He hums as he walks, a little wobbly, but with Jin's hovering presence nearby.
They pass by shuttered storefronts and the night lights sparkle off the windows of parked cars, blurring at the edges of Kame's vision.
After stuffing themselves with seafood paella, Kame and Jin wandered around the city, aimless. Even with no landmarks in mind, Kame ended up stumbling on some gorgeous buildings and nearly filling up his camera's memory card.
The rest of the day was like taking cautious footsteps into the pages of his past, the lines blurring and fading between Jin now and Jin long ago, with his too-wide smile and the warm brackets around his soft lips and the creases melting into the corners of his eyes. Kame's fingers itched to trace along those happy lines.
They somehow ended up at a small bar, where Jin decided tequila shots were a great idea and the bar tender decided Kame deserved free drinks and liberal, stinging claps on the back.
To Kame's misfortune, Jin has always had a higher tolerance, and now Kame's trying to walk at a normal pace in a straight line through the hotel's lobby while his vision swims. They make it up to their floor in the tiny tin box of an elevator without incident and Kame's feeling warm, exhausted and giddy, with a tiny lance of fear.
Jin opens the door and Kame's walking too close behind to slow down when Jin stops.
"You ass," Jin laughs, as Kame bumps into him, and Kame just giggles drunkenly, so elated in the moment that he feels like he's floating over the carpet. He stumbles in the door, shushing Jin while simultaneously giggling and removing his shoes, letting them fall to the floor in noisy thunks.
It's better than a cheap hotel room with rough, cotton sheets and small beds, but everything about the room feels so nostalgic, like their younger days on tour when Kame and Jin would curl up in blankets and tell each other stories even when they were supposed to be asleep for an early call the next morning.
He swallows hard as the memories flood back, and he stumbles to the empty bed in the dim light, falling down on it face first. Throat working to hide his emotions, Kame distinctly wishes he weren't such an emotional drunk. He kind of wishes Koki were around to tease him and take care of him, emotionally uncomplicated Koki, who never demands anything of him, who never unsettles him, who never makes him feel so much, too much.
Jin's weight falls half on him with a laugh and Kame stills, feeling guilty for not struggling like Jin probably expected him to. He enjoys the warmth too much, pressing secretly into Jin's side and craving the way their bodies crush against each other. He feels sick with want, and wretched for the subterfuge in indulging it.
It takes him a moment to realize he sniffled out loud.
"Hey," Jin whispers, breath brushing intimately against Kame's neck. It feels as amazing as it feels horrible, because it's something that Kame's always wanted, but Jin doesn't know - can't know - how Kame feels.
Kame pulls back and is embarrassed by how his breath hitches raggedly. He must have the most pathetic expression on his face and all he can think is 'I spent so much time giving up on you.' He can't read Jin's expression except for the frown. But it's not a frown of anger or dislike. It's somewhere closer to concentration. He's in awe because this is a rare expression on Jin's face, one he hasn't seen in years.
"Kame?"
"Hmm," he hums in response, eyes drifting to focus on the ceiling, unnerved by the sensation of being the sole focus of Jin's attention.
"What are you going to do now?"
"Why are you here?" he counters, unable to answer.
"Because... you're Kame. You're Kamenashi Kazuya, the great hope for the jimusho, but I don't really give a fuck what they want." Jin turns his body to face Kame squarely.
"Maru's been texting me constantly, like a mother hen. And Koki... even he contacted me, well, mostly to say he'd punch me in the throat and make sure I could never reproduce if I let anything happen to you. But..."
Jin sighs and pushes the hair off his forehead. "Maybe, I don't know... maybe this is me repaying my debt to you," he mumbles, with a shrug. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it's a waste for you to give everything up," he says.
Kame doesn't say anything, only swallows dryly.
"I do understand, you know. It's like... when I went... away, I couldn't figure out who I was anymore. I wasn't even sure what was me and what was something they'd trained me to be. It all felt so fucked up. But you..." Jin lets out a sharp laugh. "I always hated how hard you worked. It made the rest of us look like lazy asses, but Kame..."
Kame turns to look at him again because the silence stretches.
"Where would you rather be? What would you rather be doing?"
"I don't know," Kame says, his voice raw and trembling.
"Wouldn't you miss everything?"
Kame swallows and turns onto his back, facing the ceiling.
"I don't know. I don't know... I don't..." He puts his arm over his face and breathes through his mouth. He flinches in surprise when he feels Jin's hand fall on his shoulder, and the warmth seeping into his skin undoes him slowly.
~~~
The next morning, Kame takes his time in the bathroom, a little apprehensive to face Jin. He shaves, for the first time in days, and trims his eyebrows, a wry smile sneaking out while he performs the familiar routine. It feels like battle dress, like he's finding steady ground again. He dawdles over his rings and necklaces for a while too, his fingers and neck feeling naked and exposed after days away from all the accessories. He pulls out his old favorite, the large skull ring, and a thin black and red beaded necklace.
Yes, battle dress.
~~~
Kame and Jin walk north, after finding some pastries at an open air farmer's market, and Barcelona's lush greens and golds and rusts sparkle in the bright sun, despite the chill in the air. Some of the buildings, and Kame checks to make sure they aren't museums or anything notable in the small guidebook he picked up at the airport, have intricate stonework and stained glass, with delicate looking painted tiles and pillars.
It's a windy day and both he and Jin hunch against the cold when a particularly chilly blast hits. They get lost, stop for lunch and a beer, wander down random alleys and avenues, and eventually end up at the Sagrada Família.
Barcelona must have an unexpected number of Japanese tourists because Kame finds some of the descriptions marked in Japanese, as well as a small folding brochure in Japanese that explains the history of the giant, unfinished basilica while they wait in line to go inside. From the outside, it is the strangest church Kame has ever seen, with endless spires of organic looking stone, twisting skyward and giant cranes still hanging over them with planks and wire and other construction.
Once they enter, they can see the soaring columns and the stunning stained glass, all in a style that Kame's never seen before, like tree branches or abstract hands reaching for the sky.
"Apparently they started building this in 1882," Kame says, reading aloud from the brochure. Jin grunts at him, but looks preoccupied with taking it all in. "They think they'll finish in 2026, wow."
"Actually," Kame continues, not even sure if Jin is listening, "the man who designed this designed a lot of buildings in Barcelona. Oh, it says here he also designed a park."
When he looks up again, Jin is grinning at him, snapping a picture with Kame's camera which he had weaseled out of him earlier.
Kame rolls his eyes at Jin. "Are we done with churches then?"
"Let's go to the park," Jin replies, and okay, maybe he was listening.
~~~
By the time they make it to Park Guell, the sun is on its descent and the air is getting colder. Jin huffs as they climb up the long, narrow street to the park's entrance. "Ugh, I hate walking," he whines, dragging his sneakers. "Couldn't we just take a taxi?"
"Where's the fun in that?" Kame asks, but he finds himself smiling at Jin's hunched back.
The inside of the park is nothing like Kame expected, with bright splashes of colored mosaics, whimsical, like fragments of dreams. There are almost no straight lines or sharp edges in the sculptures of the park, each structure wavy and organic.
"Uwah, it's gorgeous," Jin breathes out beside him hands on his hips while he catches his breath. His shirt clings softly to his frame as the wind blows, and Kame averts his eyes when he can't stop staring at the peek of collarbone.
"I can't believe Yu got to grow up here," Jin says. "It's so... I dunno, like walking into a fairytale."
"Yeah," Kame says. There are couples and families sitting on the wavy sections of mosaics, relaxing and looking out at the city sprawled underneath them. Kame can make out ships in the distance, beyond the narrow beach, in the deep blue, distant water.
Jin shouts in his ear, "Race you to the top," and starts sprinting up the spiral path going into the trees, up the hill at the center of the park. Kame clutches his camera tightly and starts running, knowing he can catch up because he's in better physical condition than Jin.
He loses sight of Jin, however, and the path keeps twisting and branching off and there's a sudden sort of irrational, gripping terror that he'll lose Jin forever if he can't find him right away. It fuels his sprinting, and Kame runs so fast that some of the other tourists ambling about turn to stare at him.
When he sees the sloping gait of Jin ahead, hoodie flapping in the wind, Kame can't deny the way his heart leaps. He keeps jogging until he's caught up to Jin and claps him on the back, making sure it stings.
"Oww," Jin whines and then laughs. "Don't beat me just because you lost," he says between breaths.
"You cheated," Kame pants, also busy catching his breath. Jin's hands clutch his sides and he winces and groans, bending over. "That's what you get, you lazy ass."
Jin just laughs at him and flops down, right on the path, knees bent and hands splayed behind him. He closes his eyes against the setting sun, and Kame's heart lurches.
Kame feels like his heart has expanded to ten times its original size in the last few days, growing soft and vulnerable. He feels each deep, heavy thump in his bones, and at times, like now, it feels like it might explode out of his chest. He has always been the stupidest kind of romantic, he thinks, laughing bitterly to himself as he looks out into the fading purple sunset. He doesn't dare look beside him, at Jin's profile.
His feelings for Jin were bound up and locked away for years, somewhere secret and safe, because they were never appropriate and always dangerous. They were the specks of carbon that Kame burned away when he forged himself from iron into steel long ago.
Now there's a singular emotion, and a name that is slowly emerging for that emotion. It washes over him like a tidal wave, and it feels like Kame's giving in to the undertow.
A small part of him finds it ironic that it's Jin - after everything between them - that inspires this feeling. Jin, who has always provoked and unsettled him. Jin, who Kame can't always understand. Jin, who, yes, hurt him.
But then, Kame thinks, it's not surprising at all in some ways, because it was Jin who first held his hand, clumsy and sweaty. Jin, who told him he believed in him. Jin, who liked him just as he was, long before Kame grew into himself.
All of this feels like a dream, some kind of strange time warp with a deadline where Kame gets his Jin back and he isn't sure if he can function when it all ends, which it will. He's torn between his well-developed instinct for self-preservation and the desire to just let himself enjoy it all, while it lasts.
In the end, it wasn't even a choice, and before he knew it, there was a heavy, clawing ache in his chest and a strange headiness, like he was falling, deeper and deeper.
It's nothing grand and dramatic like I can't live without you or you make me complete. It's more like suddenly there is a whole unexplored and dazzling universe of emotions, all these possibilities that Kame never even imagined, like color blooming in a gray world or the first tender buds of spring peeking through the winter frost.
It's okay, Kame thinks, because even if I can never have you, these feelings still live in my heart.
~~~
When they randomly choose a restaurant near the hotel for dinner, Kame doesn't expect the night to end at a night club, but it is Jin after all, and there are pretty Spanish girls fawning over his stilted Spanish and his hair and he gives them a husky laugh and Kame can smile, of course, even if he's breaking apart inside.
It's okay, he keeps repeating, like a mantra, indulging the girls' curiosity, and he has to admit they are nice. They mostly communicate through hand gestures, as Kame's English and their English are both too heavily accented for them to comprehend each other.
It's okay, he thinks and drinks two gin and tonics very fast. He has danced only for work for so long, he's almost forgotten what it's like to completely let go when the beat pounds through your bones, but it's easy to move, easy to lose himself, to stop thinking, to let his limbs sway and bend, completely given up to the rhythm and beat.
One of the girls, he doesn't remember her name or how to pronounce it, attaches herself to Kame's hips and he isn't sure if maybe he should back away, but the searing pain that comes when he sees Jin near the bar leaning in to whisper into one of the other girls' ears blinkers all doubts.
It's okay, Kame tells himself as her hands move from his arms up his back and he shouldn't care because he has a pretty girl in his arms and she laughs near his ear and everything is simple again, if he doesn't think about where his heart is.
He loses track of Jin, there's that gripping fear again, music pounding in his ears, his temples, and the girl seems to lose interest as he slows down the movement of his hips. She gives him a soft smile and a kiss on his cheek before leaving, and Kame thinks he must really look like he needed it.
He feels out of breath and like he's teetering, and the lights and sound pound into him relentlessly.
He walks outside the club and takes out his phone which has been off for days now, since his first night in Paris. He turns it on, and of course, it's on its lowest battery, but he calls his voicemail, finally, wanting to hear something familiar, something safe and comforting.
"Hello. Kame, uh, Matsuyama-san called and told me the news about Going," Nakamaru's halting voice says, and it's so close, so warm. "None of us... we're happy for you, whatever you want to do, okay? I hope you get to see all the places you wanted to in London. Take care."
"Hello, it's me, Yuichi. What do you mean 'I'll be back'? Kame, please call back. I hope you're okay."
"Kame, what the hell was that email about," Koki's voice shouts, with no preamble. Kame knows him well enough to know it's frustration, not anger, in his voice. "Call me back, you bastard. I'm really worried."
"Kamenashi," Ueda's even voice says, and Kame can't make out the emotion behind it. "What's going on? Manager-san says you haven't come back on your flight. Is everything okay?"
"Kame," says Nakamaru again. "Kazuya, whatever it is, we'll figure it out together, ne? Please contact one of us. We're all worried about you."
"Kazu-chan," Taguchi's voice singsongs on the phone. "What's going on? Nakamaru won't stop worrying about you. I think he's losing hair."
"Kame! This better not be some kind of sick joke," Koki says, and Kame is horrified when he realizes Koki might actually be sniffling. "We miss you, idiot."
Kame doesn't know how many he's listened to and he realizes there are tears running down his face only when the wind blows and his face feels unnaturally cool. He misses them all, so much. He sniffles and wipes his hands across his cheeks, and just in time too, he realizes as Jin comes out of the club's doorway.
"Oh thank god," Jin says, jogging up to him. "I thought I'd lost you."
"I couldn't find you," Kame says quietly, trying to hide how hoarse his voice sounds. "Figured you would come out eventually."
"Ah, I'm tired," Jin says, stretching, and Kame turns away from where Jin's T-shirt lifts to reveal his stomach. "Lucky that we're close to the hotel."
They walk in silence, and it's probably only heavy in Kame's mind. The night air feels wonderful against his skin, but he dimly wonders why it feels like a parting caress. It's okay, he keeps thinking to himself.
"I know now," Kame says, as soon as they enter their room, Kame ahead of Jin. "I'm going back." He busies himself with removing his ring and necklaces so he doesn't have to look at Jin.
"There's nothing more really," Kame continues. "Nothing to search for or run from... nothing I can have that's within my reach anyway and I should just learn to be happy with what I have." He startles when Jin grabs his wrist.
"It's not supposed to be... I don't want to make you go back. That's not what..." Jin says, and he suddenly looks like he's about to cry, Kame thinks with alarm. "If I could, I'd never let you go."
"What?"
Jin turns Kame toward him and grabs his shoulders, his hands squeezing Kame's flesh lightly. "Kame," is all he says, scratchy. Kame tries to straighten, but Jin pushes him back slowly, against the wall, and it's not like Kame's struggling yet because he's so confused. He looks at Jin's face and it's drawn tight and hollow, his eyes wide and bright and his eyebrows furrowed, almost in pain.
Jin pushes harder and Kame pushes back though the wall is at his back. "Jin! What are you doing?" In the space of a breath, Jin's mouth is on his, hard, bruising, but this is more like fighting than... Kame refuses to complete the thought. He feels Jin's lips, dry, needy and forceful, the rasp of his stubble, the sharp bite of his teeth. He gathers his strength again and pushes, reacting purely in shock. Jin moves away and only then does Kame notice the silent trails down the other's cheeks.
"I've fought... for years. I've fought this feeling, myself, my..." Jin's voice cracks and he looks down at the floor. "I'm sorry if you don't..." Kame doesn't understand what's happening, but his hand unconsciously reaches out to placate the other. He reaches Jin's shoulder which shudders slightly under his palm.
"Jin, talk to me," he murmurs, licking his lips, quietly astonished that his voice comes out so steady. Jin's long, cool fingers tremble as they approach his face. Kame can sense the trembling in Jin's hands, arms, torso. He says Jin's name again, softly.
Kame feels something inside him thawing, loosening, turning into something he can't quite control anymore. He feels a short, sharp burst of panic but it quickly mingles with relief and resignation...
Kame felt it, long ago, a burning, prickling, immovable, almost engulfing sensation, his fingers magnetized for the touch of Jin's skin. He had tamped down on the desire viciously, burying it under layers and layers of useless junk. He had hoped it was buried deep enough that the bones of it would never surface in the sand but he can recognize its aching shape, feel its throb and it terrifies and thrills him to his core.
Like this feeling will burn him up, use him completely until all that remains is ashes.
That's okay too, Kame thinks.
He pulls, maybe harder than he should, but he can't help the burning, plunging feeling inside, the need for a reaction, a response to this wild thing building inside himself, trying to claw its way out.
"Jin," he says, voice low and rough. He isn't sure if the way his fingers dig into Jin's hair and pull him closer is too rough, but he can't stop himself. "Jin."
"Yes," Jin replies, right before his soft, full lips press against Kame's hesitantly. The most absurd combination of a sob and a laugh rips its way through Kame's throat, into his mouth, into the kiss, and Jin's lips smile in answer. Kame feels Jin's breath whisper over his face, an intimate caress.
"Jin," Kame mumbles again, just because he can, and he thinks this must be what insanity feels like because he can't control anything, his thoughts, his body, his emotions. His hands cradle Jin's head, fingers combed through the reckless curls, neck arching to reach Jin.
Jin's hands have a firm grip on Kame's waist, like Kame's the one anchoring him to the ground, and he slowly pulls away, soft, brown eyes looking at Kame. "Kame," he says roughly, and his mouth twists up at the corner, the smile crooked and familiar and all Kame's.
"This is crazy," Kame blurts out.
"I know," Jin laughs, a nervous edge. His fingers glide down Kame's shoulder and find his hand and slowly intertwine with his fingers and it feels so startlingly intimate and like an echo of a memory, like Jin and Kame tangled together years ago.
"For how long?" Kame asks, and his body can't decide what emotion it's feeling right now. He feels like he's flying apart slowly, deliciously.
"I can't remember," Jin whispers, eyelashes brushing his cheeks as he looks down at their hands. "It kinda hurt to look at you sometimes, and I thought it was something else. I thought... for the longest time I hated how confused you made me, how much I felt, how much it hurt."
"Here," he says quietly, a finger tapping against his chest. He looks up again, at Kame, and Kame can't breathe because here is Jin, cagey, jagged, fickle Jin, offering his honest vulnerability.
Kame hesitates for a moment, not sure what he's allowed yet, and his hand sneaks out of Jin's grip and he traces up Jin's arm, trailing up his back. Jin's breath shudders out.
"Me too," Kame says, and he doesn't have the words right now, his throat raw and ripped apart. He pulls Jin close, bites at his full lower lip, sucking slowly, and a groan escapes from Jin's throat.
"So long," Kame murmurs, and he doesn't care about making sense when everything, the air around them, feels like it's crackling with energy, burning up all the oxygen.
He pulls at Jin's jacket, and Jin moves to help him, letting out a dry chuckle. Kame's skin tingles all over, and he sheds his own jacket with no help, and something dips low and sweet in his gut when Jin pulls back close to him, hands reaching for the hem of Kame's shirt.
"I don't know what I'm doing," Jin murmurs, and there's a gorgeous flush across his cheekbones as he pulls Kame's T-shirt over his head and stares intensely at Kame's body. Kame tries not to move to cover himself, a completely irrational response. They'd grown up sharing showers and dressing rooms, of course. It just feels so different now, with this new awareness, Jin's gaze moving over him almost like a physical caress.
"I do," Kame rasps, and shivers as Jin's fingers trail down his stomach, lower, lower, to his belt buckle. He can still smell the faint traces of whatever soap Jin used, and the warm scent that he recognizes as just Jin. He wonders for a moment whether this is all real, when Jin's lips drag slowly across his jaw and Kame has to grab onto Jin so his knees don't give out.
They tumble on to the bed, jeans kicked off, clothes in disarray, and Kame smoothing Jin's hair off his face, every brush of their bare skin electrifying him with its hot, melting friction. Jin's eyes, his beautiful, warm, heavy-lidded eyes follow Kame and he can feel Jin swell against his stomach as Kame hovers over him on his hands and knees. Kame inhales sharply, starved of air, and he feels light-headed.
Jin's hands, now warm, travel up the muscles of Kame's back and linger, hesitant, and Kame looks down at him. There's a slight furrow in Jin's forehead, but it clears in a moment, and he pulls Kame down, leg hooking around Kame's, tangling them tightly together, as Jin's mouth finds a tender spot on Kame's throat, licking and sucking slowly. Kame gives up on supporting his weight with his hands and presses his lips to every bare patch of skin he can find while his hand finds the swelling hardness between Jin's legs.
Jin squirms under him and lets out a low keening sound that sends all of Kame's blood rushing south. He can't quite control how his hips thrust against Jin's and Jin's answer back with a thrust of their own, both languid and urgent at the same time, through the thin fabric of their boxers. Jin's eyes are closed, and Kame leans forward, drawing a slow, melting kiss out of him, teeth, tongues, heat and sparks.
Something about the way Jin's hands linger on Kame's skin makes Kame's heart sting with a beautiful ache, and he pulls away slowly, opening his eyes and stilling his body. Jin opens his eyes slightly, and the full blown lust there hits Kame squarely in the gut, making his blood pound deep and heavy.
"Doesn't this feel less weird than it should?" Jin asks, voice thick, sending a shiver down Kame's spine.
"Mmm," Kame says, straddling Jin properly, the slick drag of skin against skin making him harder. It is surprising, how well they fit, Kame thinks, as Jin's hand comes up and strokes against Kame's cheek thoughtfully.
The pause does nothing to ease the tension which draws Kame's body taut and makes him throb almost painfully and he can feel the way Jin's body undulates beneath his, building momentum slowly. Kame moves his hand to stroke over their hardnesses simultaneously, and Jin arches his back sharply, nearly throwing Kame off. They roll over, with the imbalance, and Jin thrusts wildly until Kame's hands reach out to steady him, stroking his hip bone, Kame's foot rubbing against Jin's calf.
"Kame," Jin's breath shudders out. "I want..."
Kame pulls Jin's boxers down and Jin pulls off Kame's, flushed and eager, hissing a drawn out "fuck" at the first touch of Kame's hand directly on his hardness, grinding their pelvises together hard. Kame can't breathe or find a rhythm any longer, and he knows that he's close, he can feel the sharpness of the edge in his veins, pulse pounding like thunder as Jin gasps into his neck, short puffs brushing against his sensitized skin.
"Jin," he gasps, hands scrabbling at the tight muscles on Jin's back, while his hips lift with each blind thrust.
Kame tenses as Jin's head bends and his mouth finds a nipple, body shuddering on the brink of falling apart, and he quickly moves his hand to Jin's hardness, tugging at his length. He wants Jin everywhere, but it's impossible, so he decides he most wants Jin's mouth on his, and pulls Jin's head up, fingers threading roughly through his softly curling hair, and bites his lip, melding their mouths as their hips rock together.
Jin comes with a long, hoarse moan and Kame feels himself unraveling, breath shuddering, body aflame, heart beating out of his chest.
~~~
"So, that's how it is?"
"Um, there's... more. I just couldn't, uh, control myself," Kame stammers.
It's a novel feeling, this feeling of being flustered. Jin laughs at Kame's expression, leaning over to plant a wet, languorous kiss on his mouth, the sheets rustling around his naked form. Kame finds his thumb rubbing soothing circles into Jin's hip, and it's surreal and domestic and everything Kame told himself it was impossible for him to ever have.
~~~
Hours later, skin still pressed against damp skin, Kame whispers, "I do want to go back. I miss them. I miss everything. It was... being away was both painful and eye-opening. But I'm done running, or whatever. I just... want to do it a little more on my terms."
Jin's hand traces absent-mindedly over Kame's arm, and his leg is slung possessively over Kame's thigh. "Hmmm, you know I understand that," he murmurs. "Maybe you can negotiate? Johnny has always liked you more than you thought."
Kame snorts at that, but he starts thinking.
~~~
The next morning, Kame does something he's never dared to do. He makes demands and stands his ground, with Matsuyama-san sighing a lot at the other end of the phone. Kame tells him Johnny can have his Kamenashi Kazuya single if each of the members have backing for their own pet projects, or nothing at all.
It's terrifying and exhilarating, but Kame has been walking this tightrope for so long, he barely feels the wind trying to topple him.
Jin leans his shoulder against Kame's as he talks on the phone, a silent support.
~~~
When Kame returns to the jimusho for the first time, Koki punches his arm enough that it leaves a bruise and Junno won't stop throwing puns at him no matter how much he glares. Ueda just smiles a self-satisfied smile while Nakamaru fusses over Kame, saying he's lost weight, which is a blatant lie, but it feels so good, so comforting to be back that Kame just absorbs it all, storing it away as a priceless moment.
He remembers to breathe.
~~~
Kame wasn't sure if those stolen moments of quiet intimacy in Barcelona meant anything, but when he comes home from the first full day of rehearsals and recordings for his single, there's a figure hunched near his apartment door, in a hood, with a curly mop of hair peeking out.
"Yo."
"Long time no see," Kame says, and he can't stop the smile from spreading across his face at the sight of Jin.
~~~fin~~~