Oh damn, I didn't realize it's been 2 weeks
Fuck, I hate how time works (or more accurately, doesn't work) for me now. I guess Malik & I did break up. That really, really, really sucks. I fucking hate him for this fucking feeling. I thought we connected on a lot more fucking levels than most of my other relationships. I don't know what the fuck his deal is, but it really fucking pisses me off that I let myself fucking fall for him. I'm seriously furious at myself, for being so fucking vulnerable so early in a fucking relationship, and I'm furious at him, for feeding me some fucking bullshit saying he loved me. Fuck you dude, I hope your fucking HIV shit causes you to never fucking succeed in life, I'm so god damn fucking angry at you.
I know that I don't really mean this kind of shit. I guess. I just really really could imagine us being together for a long fucking time. We had so much fucking shit in common, that I feel like I never explored with him, but then I think I embarrassed him at that party, then he got fucking COVID, and I guess I've never been too enthralled with his "open relationship" bullshit. Whatever. Fuck you dude. I know he hated being called dude, so yeah, I guess that works. I'm also irked at how I flushed fucking money down the toilet - I gave him a couple hundred dollars because he needed help with rent one or two months. And then when he broke up with me, he had the fucking gall to ask for more fucking help. Like seriously? How much of a fucking asshole do you think you can be, just because I don't have a great memory? Fuck you. I'm so angry, and just fucking sad & broken. I don't like crying. Who the fuck does? But here I am, sitting, typing stupid fucking bullshit at 1:30am, just feeling like I wish I didn't fucking live. I mean, I always feel that way, but Malik made me not feel that way, so I don't fucking know. Fuck you, dude.
On the other hand, I went snowboarding again to Massanutten last weekend, and had a good time, even though I was alone again. Towards the end, I actually had a couple decent runs. I think I fell like once or twice throughout the 4-hour session, which wasn't too bad. Oh, and at the end, when I was going for my last run, one of the lift attendants complimented me, and I'm still pretty thrilled with it. Copy pasta from my facebook post:
I was doing one more run at the end of the night on my snowboard, & when I pulled up to the end, the ski lift guys were following me down cuz they closed up. One of them just said out of the blue “Hey! You really improved dude! We’ve all been kinda watching you cuz it’s so slow today & we can tell you really started getting the hang of it the last hour or so haha”
That really helped boost my self esteem a lot! I mean, it helped that it wasn't pure ice like it was at Wintergreen, and even though most of the runs were relatively short & small, there weren't many people there, so I never really ran into anyone or had to dash out of the way for anyone. It was a pretty good time. I might go back this upcoming weekend, who knows. I know it helped me not think of fucking asshole Malik. I really wanted to go on a trip up north, to Vermont or New York, and maybe swing by some family up there before going snowboarding at one or two resorts in that area. I know he had some family up there too, so I thought maybe we could go together. Well, I guess not. Fuck you, dude. It just bothers me so fucking much. I just wrote out that fucking the same fucking complaints I had written out before. His complaints were that he felt like my parents "take care" of me, and he was worried that he'd have to do the same if we stayed together. Fuck you dude, I have a fucking calendar, my parents don't need to "take care" of me. I might not remember off hand what I need to do, so I'll fall back on the "let me check with my parents" excuse. But whatever. I just wrote him a long, stupid, useless fucking facebook message.
My computer wants to update the graphics card now, and I guess I'll shower & jerk off before going to sleep, so whatever, I'm done. And I re-read what I had written and this post has taken me more than 2 hours, since it's now almost 3:45am. Nice. I got distracted as usual, but what the fuck ever. Fuck you, past Owen, you couldn't do one fucking thing right.