Just frustrated
I guess I'll start with the negativity going on in my life first, so I can end on a high note. Malik and I aren't doing so hot. I think he wanted to break up? I don't remember. I do remember that he's been dealing with COVID. He got it somehow, and he's been dealing with it for the last few weeks. Which sucks, cuz he doesn't get any sick time. He originally went back to work after being out for about a week or two, but I think he's sick again? I don't know. I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but he has HIV, so he thinks that that's the reason he's having health issues. I know he's having trouble paying his rent, and I helped him out a few weeks ago with a couple hundred bucks. I don't know why I even helped him. He had said at some point that he wasn't sure if this relationship was going to work.
I had argued with him. His complaints boiled down to that he thinks he's more intellectual than me. That's frustrating as fuck. I used to be the more intellectual one in relationships, so I've gotten used to kind of dumbing myself down, and my relationships have worked great doing that for years. Well, now when I dumb myself down I'm just a huge fucking moron (more so than my normal brain damaged stupidity). So I guess I can understand him thinking I'm just not very bright. But it's really shitty since I used to be so fucking intelligent. Now that that's gone, I'm just an idiot. An idiot who is more financially stable than him, and who's had better education than him in the past. Whatever. Apparently, we're on probation status now.
The bottom line is he needs help, and I'm not sure if I want to give it anymore. He doesn't seem to be able to keep his financials together, and him being sick is affecting this even more. I feel for him, but I'm also pissed at him. I'm pissed that he thinks/knows he's better than me. I'm pissed that in most ways, he is better than me, since he can remember shit. I'm pissed because I got super emotionally invested in someone who might have been perfect for me at some point in my life, but now, thanks to past Owen's actions, may not be. I'm also unhappy with him for not wanting to participate with me for my hobbies.
I went snowboarding alone last week, up to Massanutten Ski Resort. It was a lot better than when I went to Wintergreen. I had been so despondent over how bad my boarding was when I went to WG back in December, but now I'm pretty sure it was mostly the shitty, icy conditions of the slopes. Massanutten had a lot better powder, and I actually had a few decent runs. I didn't go on any intermediate slopes, but at least I got off the bunny slopes & did a few good runs on the beginner slopes. There was actually powder there, and not just hard, icy slopes; I had forgotten how much of a difference that makes! I kind of want to get a new board - I got my current board back in like, 2009(?), and I don't know what possessed me to get it. By that, I mean that I don't think I really looked at the different kinds of boards, I just got a package that was a decent price, and I had the money to blow on it. Since I've been wearing new Burton boots, I can really feel how unresponsive & inflexible the board can be, and I feel like I'd be able to board better (and possibly learn some tricks!) if I had a better board. But I'm not sure if I feel like spending that sort of money right now.
I've also been streaming on Chaturbate. I mean, I figure I jerk off anyways, so I might as well try to make a couple of bucks lol. I think I've made like $50 in the last few months, so that works. And since Malik has been sick/doesn't seem like he has as high a libido as previously advertised, it's not like I'd be getting anything from him. I don't fucking know. On paper, and when we first started hanging out, he seemed so fucking perfect. But now, I'm just unhappy. I also am worried for him. He seems to think he'll have a less-than-average life time, since he has HIV. I'm already emotionally invested with him. More than I really should be, it seems like. I don't want him to die. Eugh, whatever. I've got to get a shower & head to work, so I guess I'll write later. I need to write about my life other than snowboarding & Malik, I think.