Another day, another regret
I really do have regrets after almost everything I do. I don't even know what I specifically regretting when I started this title, since I switched to another tab about 30 seconds ago. Probably Will. Eugh, what a fucking clusterfuck. I broke up with him, because I felt like he wasn't engaging with me at all. Then he had stuck around for a while, probably to find a new place, but I don't really remember his exact reasons. Then, I got a bit attached to him, maybe more so than I already was (which was significantly more than it should have been.) Now, I just fucking miss him about 24/7.
I don't even know why. He really wasn't a great boyfriend. One thing - I felt like he never invited me anywhere. He said that he did, but he stopped doing that because I never said yes? I don't remember that, but I don't remember most of my fucking life, so I guess that could go either way. Another issue is he didn't shower before bed, and that bugged the fuck out of me. I remember I asked him to do that, and he said something like "you never wash your comforter anyways, so what's the point?" Eugh, the point is I don't need to wash my comforter if I'm clean every time I get into bed. Last thing is I never felt like I had a real connection with him, I don't think. Maybe I did, when we went to the beach together, back in summer 2020? I don't fucking know. But I can't get him out of my fucking head. Just like when I was hung up on Alex, just like I get hung up over every fucking tiny decision that I get to make. I never remember how I end up coming to my decisions, so it always feels like they've been made for me.
I visited him at work the other day (K2 Awards). I was going to drop off the last of his stuff, and I wanted to see him again, since I missed him. That could not have gone any worse. I know I could check my calendar notes for details, but what's the point. The little I remember is I walked into his workplace, saw him, said "hey", and he said something like "you should probably leave." So I did. I had really been wanting to surprise him at his work since he got that new job. I wanted to bring him lunch or something - just do something that would make him happy. And I wanted to give him the spare Fitbit I had, as a late birthday present. And I really wanted to hug him, for no reason other than I liked hugging him. Of course, I completely forgot to give him that stuff, since I was so hurt & surprised from his response, so that made that trip worse than useless. It probably just made me seem creepy/stalky, but whatever, I don't really care if people think of me like that. They're not my friends or people I'll ever see again, so whatever.
The door just made a sound (probably from the cold), and I thought it was maybe him coming home. I got unreasonably excited for some stupid fucking reason. Whatever. I'd say the memory of him should fade pretty quickly, but since this has been an emotional memory, it will probably stick around for way too long. I'd really like to go to the bar he kept trying to get me to go to. I'd like to go out in general; I feel like I've gotten some major cabin fever. On one hand, it'd probably be good practice for my social skills. But on the other hand, what's the fucking point.