5:15am - 5:40am 12/20/06
Blah - I'm still awake. I've just been laying in bed, analyzing shit. I'm not suicidal right now. I wish I could capture this tate of mind, so the next time it changes, I won't do anything stupid.
So I've been analyzing myself a bit, and I've come to the realization that when I'm suicidal, it's not a battle of me versus the hospital. It's a battle of me versus myself. Since I have two ways that I can think to commit suicide, the hospital can't really stop me. The only one who has stopped me so far has been myself. I thought that that was an interesting revelation. That makes things slightly clearer. Now I understand why I'm going through such mental anguish. I'm battling my own brain. It's a good thing that there's that other side of me, or I wouldn't be writing right now.
In fact, right now I'm in the state of mind that is slightly startled that I would even cut myself. Do I have multiple personalities, that could be so different from each other? No, that would imply that there are periods of time that I don't remember what happened, and, so far, that has only happened when I've been drinking too much. Oddly enough, even my handwriting is different in this state of mind. It's smaller, and more legible, I think. I was thinking about it, and if I get this published, I want to include handwriting samples. There have been some points where my handwriting looks almost like a crazy person wrote it, and then there are times like now, where my handwriting is small and slightly legible.
Another observation I made while trying to sleep - the progression of names that psychiatric hospitals have gone through. I think that it's admirable that our society has gone through such radical changes on its view of the mentally unbalanced. At least on the surface of things. I'm talking about this - the fact that psychiatric hospitals were at first insane asylums. Then sanitariums. Then mental institutions. And now, such a friendly phrase, the "psychiatric hospital." It implies those inside are sick or wounded, and merely need to be healed. What a friendly and helpful thought.
With that, I believe I'm going to close this post. I'll be reading a book, because, clearly, I'm still awake.
So I've been analyzing myself a bit, and I've come to the realization that when I'm suicidal, it's not a battle of me versus the hospital. It's a battle of me versus myself. Since I have two ways that I can think to commit suicide, the hospital can't really stop me. The only one who has stopped me so far has been myself. I thought that that was an interesting revelation. That makes things slightly clearer. Now I understand why I'm going through such mental anguish. I'm battling my own brain. It's a good thing that there's that other side of me, or I wouldn't be writing right now.
In fact, right now I'm in the state of mind that is slightly startled that I would even cut myself. Do I have multiple personalities, that could be so different from each other? No, that would imply that there are periods of time that I don't remember what happened, and, so far, that has only happened when I've been drinking too much. Oddly enough, even my handwriting is different in this state of mind. It's smaller, and more legible, I think. I was thinking about it, and if I get this published, I want to include handwriting samples. There have been some points where my handwriting looks almost like a crazy person wrote it, and then there are times like now, where my handwriting is small and slightly legible.
Another observation I made while trying to sleep - the progression of names that psychiatric hospitals have gone through. I think that it's admirable that our society has gone through such radical changes on its view of the mentally unbalanced. At least on the surface of things. I'm talking about this - the fact that psychiatric hospitals were at first insane asylums. Then sanitariums. Then mental institutions. And now, such a friendly phrase, the "psychiatric hospital." It implies those inside are sick or wounded, and merely need to be healed. What a friendly and helpful thought.
With that, I believe I'm going to close this post. I'll be reading a book, because, clearly, I'm still awake.