The Mind Truly Rules Everything...
I have always heard that letting yourself stress and succumb to anxiety can have real physical effects on your body. But I never knew the real truth of that until today. I have been having ongoing stomach issues, cramping and vomiting and other fun stuff. Together with extreme fatigue and disorientation and confusion and my already chronic aches and pains and back issues, I have been feeling particularly shitty. I was positive something was wrong. Heart palpitations and chest pains and feeling faint for no reason. I just knew I had some sort of disorder or something. On top of the fibromyalgia and arthritis. Twice I have gone to the hospital for all of this. Today was that second time. After tests were run and we (thankfully) ruled out pregnancy and thyroid issues I was left with gastroenteritis and some generic virus. But nothing on paper explaining why I was feeling so horrible. Until I realized just how upset and stressed and strung out on anxiety I have been. So many things are going on right now, so many things that seem like they are totally out of my control. From living in (yet another) shelter, my (violently) failed relationship with the person I thought I was supposed to be with, family making me want to pull out my hair, insurance complications, job complications, financial complications, etc, etc, etc... I have literally started to live in a fog of perpetual confusion and fear. That fear then manifests itself into depression or anger. These feelings then manifested into real physical symptoms. I was beginning to honestly just get used to the constant state of confusion I am always in. I got used to always being disoriented and jumpy and moody. As things piled up i started to feel worse. Sleep went out the window. And even when I did sleep I woke up exhausted. The pain in my hips and back increased and I just let it be because I figured this was just how it was gonna be. Then the stomach issues started. The nausea and vomiting. The cramping. Heart palpitations started with on and off chest pains. Of course I started to get scared. These were things I had never really experienced before and especially not in an ongoing manner like they have been. It wouldn't go away. I was sure that something was wrong. And as things kept going wrong in my life I never realized that my body was reacting to the outside stimulus. Then a full blown stomach virus hits, landing me in the hospital and missing work. Even then I thought it was something really wrong. Then my insurance gets stopped. Right when I was gonna finally follow up with my doctor. Today was the last straw and I went back to the hospital. Had all kinds of tests run. Received morphine and antacid for the stomach problems and pain. Only to find out that all my tests came back normal. Its just a stomach virus they said. Eat bland food and take these antibiotics. A few people had already pointed out that anxiety can do all of these things and then some. Today, when all my tests came back normal, is when I realized how true that was. And in a way, it freaked me out more than had I found out I had some crazy disease. Because that meant that my mind had literally made me sick. The symptoms I was having, regardless of normal test results, were debilitating enough to hospitalize me and slow me down. Enough to make my chest hurt and feel things that doctors take seriously. That means it can do worse. I was often told that my grandfather died of stress related issues. He had heart problems that eventually succumbed to his work and stress level. I hear these stories all the time, That it can do all kinds of things to your body including kill you. But I never truly understood the truth of that until today. Even at this moment I am feeling queasy, my chest is tight and I'm so tired that I have cried a few times today from the inescapable exhaustion that seems to have no end in sight. No rest seems to be in my near future. Meetings with caseworkers and work everyday and family persistently having opinions and my lack to keep them behind a careful wall so as not to allow me to fall under the stress of pleasing others... It all seems never ending. Only today did I realize that all of this was making my body weaker and weaker. The power of the mind is nothing to scoff at. It truly controls everything.
My fear is that I will succumb to this. That the physical will get worse and worse. I won't say that I can deal with the mental weight, but I can say it's something I am pretty used to. I have learned to deal with things in at least a semi better way than I have ever dealt with things before. Cutting is not my first option anymore. I don't freak out the way I used to. I haven't seen a psych ward since 2009. These are all monumental things for me. The problem is that the emotions behind all those unhealthy things still remain. And life continues regardless of how you feel. No matter how overwhelmed you get there will always be something else to push it further, something I am seriously learning right now. So the question then is how do you tend to all the things that need tending to without giving in to the anxiety and the pressure? How do I strike a balance between taking care of my adult business and allowing myself downtime to de-stress and prevent these health issues from progressing? I can't continue to feel this way. Its messing with so many aspects of my life and yet still there are things that have to be taken care of, that need a clear mind to handle properly. I get told not to push myself too hard. But how do I prevent that? I HAVE to go to work. I need to save this money, I must keep this job. I have to handle my finances, I have to deal with my family. I can't hide my head in the sand like I am prone to doing anymore. These are things that I have to acknowledge and deal with like and adult. The problem is that I allow myself to get caught up in it all and my anxiety shoots up to dangerous levels and things like what is now happening occur. My health comes first, yes. But where is that balance? How do I handle my business without falling apart in some way? Be it mentally or physically? Its like since I am no longer participating in harmful things my body found a way to get the emotions out in a way that was just as unhealthy without me even trying. And I would be lying if I said it wasn't freaking me out. I don't want anything to happen to me. I've already had stressed related seizures. Now this stuff. I just can't take anymore. But I say that all the time. Repeated I prove that I can. I don't know this time though. I am resilient, yes. But this is just too much...
Anyway. I guess we will just see what happens right?
My fear is that I will succumb to this. That the physical will get worse and worse. I won't say that I can deal with the mental weight, but I can say it's something I am pretty used to. I have learned to deal with things in at least a semi better way than I have ever dealt with things before. Cutting is not my first option anymore. I don't freak out the way I used to. I haven't seen a psych ward since 2009. These are all monumental things for me. The problem is that the emotions behind all those unhealthy things still remain. And life continues regardless of how you feel. No matter how overwhelmed you get there will always be something else to push it further, something I am seriously learning right now. So the question then is how do you tend to all the things that need tending to without giving in to the anxiety and the pressure? How do I strike a balance between taking care of my adult business and allowing myself downtime to de-stress and prevent these health issues from progressing? I can't continue to feel this way. Its messing with so many aspects of my life and yet still there are things that have to be taken care of, that need a clear mind to handle properly. I get told not to push myself too hard. But how do I prevent that? I HAVE to go to work. I need to save this money, I must keep this job. I have to handle my finances, I have to deal with my family. I can't hide my head in the sand like I am prone to doing anymore. These are things that I have to acknowledge and deal with like and adult. The problem is that I allow myself to get caught up in it all and my anxiety shoots up to dangerous levels and things like what is now happening occur. My health comes first, yes. But where is that balance? How do I handle my business without falling apart in some way? Be it mentally or physically? Its like since I am no longer participating in harmful things my body found a way to get the emotions out in a way that was just as unhealthy without me even trying. And I would be lying if I said it wasn't freaking me out. I don't want anything to happen to me. I've already had stressed related seizures. Now this stuff. I just can't take anymore. But I say that all the time. Repeated I prove that I can. I don't know this time though. I am resilient, yes. But this is just too much...
Anyway. I guess we will just see what happens right?