So its been 24 hours
I had a dream the last night.
Matt and I had adopted a baby polar bear and our entire apartment was almost an entire green house. Both were pretty amazing. When I came home from picking up the polar bear's medicine dearest was being rather cantankerous. I asked him what was wrong and he complained about me being slothful, a dead end and completely selfish. So I told him I'd make dinner and he could just relax for a bit. Before I could finish the meal he'd wondered off. So I change my course of action and went to clean the house. While cleaning I ran across a lucky bamboo. I ask him where he'd gotten it. He told me a friend. I asked which friend. He told me no one. I asked him if were a internet friend or maybe a coworker. He told me it was coworker. That she was pretty and not me.
Then I threw the bamboo through the siding glass door and left.
With the baby bear : P
Then today I got this email
Barbara jean u to stop doing what u are to sister and dad .. i can hating me i did my best and love u with all my heart and u throw way like shit thats fine with me u treat bad as u what ik am not comming back to make a pain my self..but i don't like the way u are treating father and sister u better grown up your frien d are not your fammily..u don't have to worry about we are done u have your live and i hnave mind ik love u BUT i am b etter person to let u treat me shit ...i have cried over and guess what i done u are not making sick ...i am turning my back...i know doing right thing in my life i talk to crissy ev eryday she don.t like your family soon u need them and them won't . i going to mandy i done criing u your not taking my life from me....i went jamie party seen aunt jean and aunt anant and told them why u are doing to aunt jean said it dum thing....same i done with u and child act...so bye.....i hope u get out of life but don't lokk fgor i done with you child...and tell i mean i was letter i going to save people realing what said and not what say truthy will out
This is it decoded.
Barbara jean(Gene), you to stop doing what you are to your sister and dad . I can see you hating me. I did my best to raise you and love you with all my heart. And you throw it away like shit. Thats fine with me. You treat bad as you what because I am not coming back. to make a pain my self (this could be translated to "Too painful for myself") But I don't like the way you are treating father and sister. You better grown up your friends are not your family. You don't have to worry about what we are doing. You have your life to live. And I have mind. I know I love you BUT I am better person to let u treat me shit . I have cried over and over. I guess no matter what I've done you are not making me sick . I am turning my back. I know what I am doing is right. Every day in my life I talk to Crissy. She doesn't like what you're doing to your family. Soon you will need them and they wont be there . I am going to tell Mandy I am done crying over you. You're not taking my life from me. I went to Jamie's party seen Aunt Jean and told them why you're are doing to your family. Aunt Jean said it was a dumb thing.(She said same thing?) Same. I am done with you and your childish act...so bye.....I hope you get out of life what you want. But don't look for me. I am done with you child...and telling me I was mean. I saved that letter I was so people reading it would see what you said and the truth would come out.
And here the email she is referring to. I wrote about two or three months ago after I choose to cut her out of my life. I haven't spoken to her since mid winter? Anyway sorry for the simplicity of this email. But my mother isn't the brightest crayon in the box.
"I am not mad at you mom.
I've taken a belief system that I hold in utter truth because it is the only way I believe that will allow me to live a happy life. I do not believe in heaven or hell. I do believe that everything I do effects everyone and everything around me. Because of this I carry a great deal of responsibility in my actions and the things I surround myself in. I must in every choice I make in this life be conscious of its reactions. This way I can make the choice that will generate the greatest possibility for "happiness". When I make a choice I must weight it against my own happiness and goodness it can create in my environment then make the best possible choice. Not for myself but for everyone surrounding me. I can never make a choice that hurts me or more importantly the environment I live in.
You have become the negative force in my life. An action that causes a great deal of negative emotions. Thus blocking me from the only pursuit of happiness I understand right now. I do not blame you for anything that is wrong in my life or any negative feelings I have. Those things are in my control ( and only my control) and I am trying my very best to move forward through life.
You may not see it but mother you're sick. You are hurtful. Though you are my mother and you have my unconditional love, I can not expose myself to your adverse nature. You for some reason need so much reassurance you leave room for no one else.
I truly do not want to hurt your feelings in this email. Because you are a wonderful mother, you have always been proud of me and will always love me. And that's more then most mothers will ever give. Please remember in this e mail you are loved, needed and unique. Rogie and Tatium need a world with you in as do I. But right now I need security and honestly. These things you can not give me.
I want to draw to your attention to your negative behaviors. Not to hurt you, I never want that. But to teach you, to show you, so you can improve and get better. So you can be a positive force in my life.
**********several paragraphs removed for personal reasons. ********
I've taken care of myself but your selfish behavior is damaging and belittling to everyone around you. You are too concerned with your self image.
This is not an email to discount you. If that were the case I would of done this in front of a crowded room. I respect you. This is your wake up call as a human being. Be a positive force. Live feeling you are enough. Live making choices based on system that doesn't count self image, worth, money or appearance.
I will always be here Mom,
But you should be in the pursuit of happiness too.
I hope you can forgive me for this email and my disconnection from you. Most of all I hope you understand. Please don't take this to harshly.
Barbi
Mother, you are loved. You are needed, you are wonderful. You don't need to lie. You don't need to pretend you're so strong. We know you are strong.
When you accept who you are. When you realize that living your own life is enough. I will be here.
Forgive me if I've been cruel. This is only way I know how to be. I want to honest with you as I want you to be with me.
---------
So I guess I don't need to try brain storm where my sense of complete worthlessness comes from.
Btw. I am on good terms with my sister, father and my Aunt Gene.
I am going to drown myself in the bathtub until I don't feel like a shitty human being for no reason.
Matt and I had adopted a baby polar bear and our entire apartment was almost an entire green house. Both were pretty amazing. When I came home from picking up the polar bear's medicine dearest was being rather cantankerous. I asked him what was wrong and he complained about me being slothful, a dead end and completely selfish. So I told him I'd make dinner and he could just relax for a bit. Before I could finish the meal he'd wondered off. So I change my course of action and went to clean the house. While cleaning I ran across a lucky bamboo. I ask him where he'd gotten it. He told me a friend. I asked which friend. He told me no one. I asked him if were a internet friend or maybe a coworker. He told me it was coworker. That she was pretty and not me.
Then I threw the bamboo through the siding glass door and left.
With the baby bear : P
Then today I got this email
Barbara jean u to stop doing what u are to sister and dad .. i can hating me i did my best and love u with all my heart and u throw way like shit thats fine with me u treat bad as u what ik am not comming back to make a pain my self..but i don't like the way u are treating father and sister u better grown up your frien d are not your fammily..u don't have to worry about we are done u have your live and i hnave mind ik love u BUT i am b etter person to let u treat me shit ...i have cried over and guess what i done u are not making sick ...i am turning my back...i know doing right thing in my life i talk to crissy ev eryday she don.t like your family soon u need them and them won't . i going to mandy i done criing u your not taking my life from me....i went jamie party seen aunt jean and aunt anant and told them why u are doing to aunt jean said it dum thing....same i done with u and child act...so bye.....i hope u get out of life but don't lokk fgor i done with you child...and tell i mean i was letter i going to save people realing what said and not what say truthy will out
This is it decoded.
Barbara jean(Gene), you to stop doing what you are to your sister and dad . I can see you hating me. I did my best to raise you and love you with all my heart. And you throw it away like shit. Thats fine with me. You treat bad as you what because I am not coming back. to make a pain my self (this could be translated to "Too painful for myself") But I don't like the way you are treating father and sister. You better grown up your friends are not your family. You don't have to worry about what we are doing. You have your life to live. And I have mind. I know I love you BUT I am better person to let u treat me shit . I have cried over and over. I guess no matter what I've done you are not making me sick . I am turning my back. I know what I am doing is right. Every day in my life I talk to Crissy. She doesn't like what you're doing to your family. Soon you will need them and they wont be there . I am going to tell Mandy I am done crying over you. You're not taking my life from me. I went to Jamie's party seen Aunt Jean and told them why you're are doing to your family. Aunt Jean said it was a dumb thing.(She said same thing?) Same. I am done with you and your childish act...so bye.....I hope you get out of life what you want. But don't look for me. I am done with you child...and telling me I was mean. I saved that letter I was so people reading it would see what you said and the truth would come out.
And here the email she is referring to. I wrote about two or three months ago after I choose to cut her out of my life. I haven't spoken to her since mid winter? Anyway sorry for the simplicity of this email. But my mother isn't the brightest crayon in the box.
"I am not mad at you mom.
I've taken a belief system that I hold in utter truth because it is the only way I believe that will allow me to live a happy life. I do not believe in heaven or hell. I do believe that everything I do effects everyone and everything around me. Because of this I carry a great deal of responsibility in my actions and the things I surround myself in. I must in every choice I make in this life be conscious of its reactions. This way I can make the choice that will generate the greatest possibility for "happiness". When I make a choice I must weight it against my own happiness and goodness it can create in my environment then make the best possible choice. Not for myself but for everyone surrounding me. I can never make a choice that hurts me or more importantly the environment I live in.
You have become the negative force in my life. An action that causes a great deal of negative emotions. Thus blocking me from the only pursuit of happiness I understand right now. I do not blame you for anything that is wrong in my life or any negative feelings I have. Those things are in my control ( and only my control) and I am trying my very best to move forward through life.
You may not see it but mother you're sick. You are hurtful. Though you are my mother and you have my unconditional love, I can not expose myself to your adverse nature. You for some reason need so much reassurance you leave room for no one else.
I truly do not want to hurt your feelings in this email. Because you are a wonderful mother, you have always been proud of me and will always love me. And that's more then most mothers will ever give. Please remember in this e mail you are loved, needed and unique. Rogie and Tatium need a world with you in as do I. But right now I need security and honestly. These things you can not give me.
I want to draw to your attention to your negative behaviors. Not to hurt you, I never want that. But to teach you, to show you, so you can improve and get better. So you can be a positive force in my life.
**********several paragraphs removed for personal reasons. ********
I've taken care of myself but your selfish behavior is damaging and belittling to everyone around you. You are too concerned with your self image.
This is not an email to discount you. If that were the case I would of done this in front of a crowded room. I respect you. This is your wake up call as a human being. Be a positive force. Live feeling you are enough. Live making choices based on system that doesn't count self image, worth, money or appearance.
I will always be here Mom,
But you should be in the pursuit of happiness too.
I hope you can forgive me for this email and my disconnection from you. Most of all I hope you understand. Please don't take this to harshly.
Barbi
Mother, you are loved. You are needed, you are wonderful. You don't need to lie. You don't need to pretend you're so strong. We know you are strong.
When you accept who you are. When you realize that living your own life is enough. I will be here.
Forgive me if I've been cruel. This is only way I know how to be. I want to honest with you as I want you to be with me.
---------
So I guess I don't need to try brain storm where my sense of complete worthlessness comes from.
Btw. I am on good terms with my sister, father and my Aunt Gene.
I am going to drown myself in the bathtub until I don't feel like a shitty human being for no reason.