My journal is the exact opposite: almost every single entry is filled with depression-cycle thoughts because it's only when I'm depressed that I even have the desire to write in it.
After years, I've slowly been able to understand more about whatever the fuck condition I have (some sort of depression, I'm guessing): it comes in cycles, at least once a "season"/every few months, and I'm usually triggered by an event. And during the last one, I just sort of... cracked when I found myself crying in a restaurant and finally called my dad for help because goddammit, this shouldn't be something I (or you) accept as being "normal." I shouldn't just shrug and accept the self-loathing and the suicidal thoughts and the breakdowns until it finally goes away; it's not fair that my life and moods and activity can be dictated by this bullshit when other people can function perfectly fine on a day-to-day basis because they don't have depression. I tried doing my school's therapy, but the person I saw sucked, so I'm holding off a little bit on it. However, I've begun exercising per dad's suggestion (not on a regular schedule, but much more than before); I hope it helps.
I'm happy for you that you're going to therapy, and I sincerely hope that it is helping you.
its the same thing as always: i just repress everything. in my words and actions and even in my thoughts. its like i can't be honest in my own journal because i'm ashamed of how i feel. which is ludicrous. its been interesting talking to the woman at the on campus therapy. we've been going over the whole "familiar monster" deal, where i am so used to being depressed or feeling this way that i legitimately don't understand what it would feel like to be "normal," which is one reason why it is so difficult for me to get out of any slump that i have. i would rather stay in this state of dull unhappiness and anxiety because its what i know, and i know how to live with it (however painfully), rather than trying something new. i guess i'm afraid of failing at being happy? even though the state i'm in is an active failure. i don't know how to not be unhappy. going to therapy almost seems pointless to me: how am i supposed to "get better"? ahh i don't know. i'm stressed about school, but my entire lack of motivation is making it worse because i'm not getting any of the massive amounts of homework that i have done. fuck.
After years, I've slowly been able to understand more about whatever the fuck condition I have (some sort of depression, I'm guessing): it comes in cycles, at least once a "season"/every few months, and I'm usually triggered by an event. And during the last one, I just sort of... cracked when I found myself crying in a restaurant and finally called my dad for help because goddammit, this shouldn't be something I (or you) accept as being "normal." I shouldn't just shrug and accept the self-loathing and the suicidal thoughts and the breakdowns until it finally goes away; it's not fair that my life and moods and activity can be dictated by this bullshit when other people can function perfectly fine on a day-to-day basis because they don't have depression. I tried doing my school's therapy, but the person I saw sucked, so I'm holding off a little bit on it. However, I've begun exercising per dad's suggestion (not on a regular schedule, but much more than before); I hope it helps.
I'm happy for you that you're going to therapy, and I sincerely hope that it is helping you.
Also, it's a slump every year ))):
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its been interesting talking to the woman at the on campus therapy. we've been going over the whole "familiar monster" deal, where i am so used to being depressed or feeling this way that i legitimately don't understand what it would feel like to be "normal," which is one reason why it is so difficult for me to get out of any slump that i have. i would rather stay in this state of dull unhappiness and anxiety because its what i know, and i know how to live with it (however painfully), rather than trying something new. i guess i'm afraid of failing at being happy? even though the state i'm in is an active failure. i don't know how to not be unhappy. going to therapy almost seems pointless to me: how am i supposed to "get better"?
ahh i don't know. i'm stressed about school, but my entire lack of motivation is making it worse because i'm not getting any of the massive amounts of homework that i have done.
fuck.
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