DramaDramaDrama
It's a bit of a secret that I absolutely HATE Virginia, a friend of Kyle's. She's wishy washy, needy, has a breakdown almost every other week, and she's pathetic.
Most of all, she's a THREAT.
Kyle is very attentive to his friends in need. He loves helping the helpless. He cares deeply for those who need him for support.
Virginia = Helpless
I = Not so helpless
I admit I have my moments of emo-ness and soft heartedness, but there is one major difference between me and Virginia: She is the delicate little thing who cries in public. I'm the hardass little thing who screams in public.
Guess which one gets more attention from Kyle?
You got it; the crying.
Now, there is one time where people claim I was in fact crying in class, but you see, that was once. And I was deathly afraid of getting homeschooled (I had a D in Algebra 2). I cried because I had no other option. I can't yell at the teacher, it ain't is fault. Can't yell at other kids, it ain't their fault either. I can't yell at my parents, because that's ASKING for homeschooling. So, I cried.
And again when Kyle pulled that "I'm glad I can talk to you so well, not like before" shit. I cried three times that day. So, 4 times in public since 6th grade.
Every damn time I see Virginia, she's in tears. Every. Damn. Time. And everytime I see her when Kyle's around, he stops what he's doing, and goes over to talk to her.
I'd imagine that the raging jealousy and distrust of Virginia would be somewhat milder if Kyle and her hadn't gone to Junior Prom together, but I'm insanely jealous of his ex girlfriends as well.
All of them are delicate, emotional things. All of them relied on Kyle in some way or another. I haven't relied on Kyle since the drama with Alex had stopped. In fact, I see Kyle as a partner, not a support beam. He's not my savior, he's my lover.
Well, he was.
And since he has such a nice long running habit of dating girls who desperately need someone to lean on, everytime I see him comforting Virginia, or hear about how he's talking to some random chick who had a crush on him in Tennesee, I just want to tear these girls apart. Because I'm completely different from them, and because I'm not the type of person to start sobbing and revealing my innermost thoughts and feelings in public or over the phone, I'm at a severe disadvantage. I'm a hardass. I know this. But because I'm such a hardass, I don't get the same tender attention that Kyle divvies out to these pathetic, weak little girls. I feel left out. I feel like I'm being gypped. I feel like because I worked so hard to not be so visibly affected by other people's actions and words, I'm not getting the short end of the stick.
I can't bear crying in front of my friends and family. I hate crying in front of them. I've done it so few times, and always over things that are just so emotionally crippling, I can't hold it in without tearing myself apart. And after I'm done crying, I apologize profusely and state how much I HATE crying in public. I don't WANT people's pity. I don't WANT their sympathy. They can shove their pity and sympathy up their asses, because I don't want it, or need it. I can do perfectly well without you talking to me when I'm happy, I can do perfectly well with you ignoring me when I'm upset. I don't need your false friendship and shallow looks of sympathy. It. Makes. Me. Cringe.
So when Kyle was DONE comforting Virginia through her latest fucking crisis (which, by the way, took up all of the god damn break, and I wasn't even able to talk to him about what I wanted to say, and god damn it, now I FORGOT what I wanted to ask him) It turns out she was sobbing over how a stupid-ass freshman broke her heart.
....
Freshmen are NEVER worth an upperclassman's tears. They are frustrating shallow little things to be ignored until they have completed puberty. And she was crying over one.
And I stated as such when Kyle told me. "She's dating a fuckin' FRESHMAN!?"
I was loud, yes. And apparently, Virginia heard me (kyle stopped me to tell me this) But I said thus.
"So!? She doesn't know I was talking about HER." Which is true. My friend Jess was contemplating dating a freshman, which I encouraged her to do otherwise, to think about it. Luckily the little fuck proved to her how 'sincere' he was about her BEFORE they started dating.
But Kyle claimed otherwise.
And then I said "But a freshman?!"
And I was about to go into my whole shpeell on how dating freshmen was a bad idea. A really bad idea. Right up there with playing with radioactive waste.
Until he said this one little crippling paragraph:
"So? People said the same thing to me when I was dating you. Well, not with the freshman thing, but still. They said 'Why are you dating her?" You date who you date."
Ah hahahaha
What!?
I was rendered speechless, and not because he had a point. Because people warned him about me. About Me. And that brought a whole LIST of questions, because whenever people seriously warn me about someone I'm about to date, after the combustion that is the relationship, I immediately regret not listening to them. And Initially, No one warned me about kyle, aside from a slight cautionary statement from my friend josh over Kyle's family life and such.
Someone warned kyle about ME!?
And not just one person, but many?
I was and still am speechless. I walked ahead of him silently raging in my head over how : He Doesn't Love Me, He's Not Worth It, Does He Regret Dating Me, What Should I Do, Does He Love Me, He's Lying To Himself, He's Not Worth It, He's Not Worth It, He's Not Worth It, Why Isn't He Saying Anything, He's Not Worth It, Don't Freak Mel, Just Relax, Breath, Don't Get Angry, It's Okay, Don't You Dare Fucking Cry, God I Wish He'd Say Something, God I Wish He'd Go Away.
Then Kyle finally said "I need to go that way to get to class." and I just nodded. He asked me if I was okay and I said "uh huh, yea."
When I do that, I'm not okay. I'm lying. I'm lying horribly because I'm not okay, I'm actually the opposite of okay, but I can't get into it in public because if I do, I start crying my eyes out and being a complete dumbass.
What am I supposed to do though? I can't rant at someone in a doorway, with millions watching me, listening in. I can't just scream at him "I HATE IT WHEN YOU COMFORT VIRIGINA AND ALL YOUR DELICATE LITTLE FRIENDS BECAUSE I'M THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF DELICATE AND I'M AFRAID YOU'LL START LIKING OR EVEN LOVING THEM AND THEN LEAVE ME!!!"
I can't say "WHY DON'T YOU CODDLE AND COMFORT ME LIKE YOU DO VIRGINIA, AND ALL THOSE PATHETIC LITTLE GIRLS? I DON'T NEED TO BE CRYING FOR YOU TO PUT AND ARM AROUND ME AND SMILE AT ME!"
I can't ask him "Do you regret dating me? Ever? Do you wish you listened to the people who warned you about me?"
I can't tell him I get so jealous and angry whenever I see virginia, I see her as a threat, and I know he is her friend and he won't just leave her alone but I still feel all jealous and possesive and angry when I see her, and I just want to know that you don't have any feelings for her.
I can't ask him these things. How can I ask him these things? It's completely obscene and disgusting. I'm completely insecure and I don't want to be. I want to be confident in the fact that he does love me, and all his friends are just friends.
It doesn't help he thinks of me as just a friend, which by the way, is the shittiest idea ever; "friends with benefits" because I feel used instead of placated. I feel used.
I want him to love me like I love him.
I want to be certain in that fact as well.
Most of all, she's a THREAT.
Kyle is very attentive to his friends in need. He loves helping the helpless. He cares deeply for those who need him for support.
Virginia = Helpless
I = Not so helpless
I admit I have my moments of emo-ness and soft heartedness, but there is one major difference between me and Virginia: She is the delicate little thing who cries in public. I'm the hardass little thing who screams in public.
Guess which one gets more attention from Kyle?
You got it; the crying.
Now, there is one time where people claim I was in fact crying in class, but you see, that was once. And I was deathly afraid of getting homeschooled (I had a D in Algebra 2). I cried because I had no other option. I can't yell at the teacher, it ain't is fault. Can't yell at other kids, it ain't their fault either. I can't yell at my parents, because that's ASKING for homeschooling. So, I cried.
And again when Kyle pulled that "I'm glad I can talk to you so well, not like before" shit. I cried three times that day. So, 4 times in public since 6th grade.
Every damn time I see Virginia, she's in tears. Every. Damn. Time. And everytime I see her when Kyle's around, he stops what he's doing, and goes over to talk to her.
I'd imagine that the raging jealousy and distrust of Virginia would be somewhat milder if Kyle and her hadn't gone to Junior Prom together, but I'm insanely jealous of his ex girlfriends as well.
All of them are delicate, emotional things. All of them relied on Kyle in some way or another. I haven't relied on Kyle since the drama with Alex had stopped. In fact, I see Kyle as a partner, not a support beam. He's not my savior, he's my lover.
Well, he was.
And since he has such a nice long running habit of dating girls who desperately need someone to lean on, everytime I see him comforting Virginia, or hear about how he's talking to some random chick who had a crush on him in Tennesee, I just want to tear these girls apart. Because I'm completely different from them, and because I'm not the type of person to start sobbing and revealing my innermost thoughts and feelings in public or over the phone, I'm at a severe disadvantage. I'm a hardass. I know this. But because I'm such a hardass, I don't get the same tender attention that Kyle divvies out to these pathetic, weak little girls. I feel left out. I feel like I'm being gypped. I feel like because I worked so hard to not be so visibly affected by other people's actions and words, I'm not getting the short end of the stick.
I can't bear crying in front of my friends and family. I hate crying in front of them. I've done it so few times, and always over things that are just so emotionally crippling, I can't hold it in without tearing myself apart. And after I'm done crying, I apologize profusely and state how much I HATE crying in public. I don't WANT people's pity. I don't WANT their sympathy. They can shove their pity and sympathy up their asses, because I don't want it, or need it. I can do perfectly well without you talking to me when I'm happy, I can do perfectly well with you ignoring me when I'm upset. I don't need your false friendship and shallow looks of sympathy. It. Makes. Me. Cringe.
So when Kyle was DONE comforting Virginia through her latest fucking crisis (which, by the way, took up all of the god damn break, and I wasn't even able to talk to him about what I wanted to say, and god damn it, now I FORGOT what I wanted to ask him) It turns out she was sobbing over how a stupid-ass freshman broke her heart.
....
Freshmen are NEVER worth an upperclassman's tears. They are frustrating shallow little things to be ignored until they have completed puberty. And she was crying over one.
And I stated as such when Kyle told me. "She's dating a fuckin' FRESHMAN!?"
I was loud, yes. And apparently, Virginia heard me (kyle stopped me to tell me this) But I said thus.
"So!? She doesn't know I was talking about HER." Which is true. My friend Jess was contemplating dating a freshman, which I encouraged her to do otherwise, to think about it. Luckily the little fuck proved to her how 'sincere' he was about her BEFORE they started dating.
But Kyle claimed otherwise.
And then I said "But a freshman?!"
And I was about to go into my whole shpeell on how dating freshmen was a bad idea. A really bad idea. Right up there with playing with radioactive waste.
Until he said this one little crippling paragraph:
"So? People said the same thing to me when I was dating you. Well, not with the freshman thing, but still. They said 'Why are you dating her?" You date who you date."
Ah hahahaha
What!?
I was rendered speechless, and not because he had a point. Because people warned him about me. About Me. And that brought a whole LIST of questions, because whenever people seriously warn me about someone I'm about to date, after the combustion that is the relationship, I immediately regret not listening to them. And Initially, No one warned me about kyle, aside from a slight cautionary statement from my friend josh over Kyle's family life and such.
Someone warned kyle about ME!?
And not just one person, but many?
I was and still am speechless. I walked ahead of him silently raging in my head over how : He Doesn't Love Me, He's Not Worth It, Does He Regret Dating Me, What Should I Do, Does He Love Me, He's Lying To Himself, He's Not Worth It, He's Not Worth It, He's Not Worth It, Why Isn't He Saying Anything, He's Not Worth It, Don't Freak Mel, Just Relax, Breath, Don't Get Angry, It's Okay, Don't You Dare Fucking Cry, God I Wish He'd Say Something, God I Wish He'd Go Away.
Then Kyle finally said "I need to go that way to get to class." and I just nodded. He asked me if I was okay and I said "uh huh, yea."
When I do that, I'm not okay. I'm lying. I'm lying horribly because I'm not okay, I'm actually the opposite of okay, but I can't get into it in public because if I do, I start crying my eyes out and being a complete dumbass.
What am I supposed to do though? I can't rant at someone in a doorway, with millions watching me, listening in. I can't just scream at him "I HATE IT WHEN YOU COMFORT VIRIGINA AND ALL YOUR DELICATE LITTLE FRIENDS BECAUSE I'M THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF DELICATE AND I'M AFRAID YOU'LL START LIKING OR EVEN LOVING THEM AND THEN LEAVE ME!!!"
I can't say "WHY DON'T YOU CODDLE AND COMFORT ME LIKE YOU DO VIRGINIA, AND ALL THOSE PATHETIC LITTLE GIRLS? I DON'T NEED TO BE CRYING FOR YOU TO PUT AND ARM AROUND ME AND SMILE AT ME!"
I can't ask him "Do you regret dating me? Ever? Do you wish you listened to the people who warned you about me?"
I can't tell him I get so jealous and angry whenever I see virginia, I see her as a threat, and I know he is her friend and he won't just leave her alone but I still feel all jealous and possesive and angry when I see her, and I just want to know that you don't have any feelings for her.
I can't ask him these things. How can I ask him these things? It's completely obscene and disgusting. I'm completely insecure and I don't want to be. I want to be confident in the fact that he does love me, and all his friends are just friends.
It doesn't help he thinks of me as just a friend, which by the way, is the shittiest idea ever; "friends with benefits" because I feel used instead of placated. I feel used.
I want him to love me like I love him.
I want to be certain in that fact as well.