Head Space
Elaboration of my earlier post:
Basically, I'm recognizing a lot of the same symptoms as the last time I was depressed, but also a few disturbing new ones.
Sleep deprivation. Like, instead of wanting to sleep all damn day, I just can't sleep AT ALL. I was falling asleep sitting up in my chair last night (literally, head nearly hitting my keyboard, falling-down-sleepy), but by the time I laid down in bed, I was jittery and restless. I listened to every. single. noise. the house makes as it settles for three hours. I could freakin' hear a moth flitting about in the hallway. We're talking wired-like-a-crackhead sleep dep. I finally managed to nod off... Only to have to wake up a very short time later to get up for work again. Trying to sleep in on the weekends doesn't work; I'm still awake-can't-fall-asleep-again by 9 after being unable to sleep until 4 or 5. I need 6-7 hours a night to function normally. That's a 2-4 hour deficit each night, and that level of sleep dep is on a Richter scale of increasing intensity. I'm seriously surprised I haven't started hallucinating my father or long-gone pets, at this point. (Oh yeah, June was a craptacular month all 'round for painful memories and unfinished grieving, let me tell you.)
Everything is a crisis. It doesn't matter how large or small the bump in the road is, my immediate, uncontrollable reaction on a lizard-brain level is fight or flight. I HATED feeling that way when depressed. And now I'm in a position at work that I hate, which is high-octane stress on a broad scale. This Cannot End Well. I have resorted to asking the BF to palm some of his dad's Xanax to make it through tomorrow. I'm desperate. The immediate panic shuts down my ability to logically process through problems - this morning felt like a bad rehash of Office Space. I had a lot of people all asking about a committee meeting that I had very little information for (and the broker who was actually AT the meeting up in Sact'o wasn't helping one goddamned bit. Lord, I hate her.) - I have all the tools to find things out, and could easily schedule a conference room for this unexpected web meeting (when no web details had been provided), but it took four or five times longer and the whole time I'm having trouble managing even a deep breath and NOT crying. Over a stupid meeting. I am absolutely neurotic, and I can't stand it.
FML. I can pinpoint SOME of my mood on stress - work is stressful on several levels, my personal life isn't exactly going the way I want it to. But there's this constant sense of "What's the use?" that keeps nagging at me now, too. The thought of just not going back to work tomorrow is this odd mix of 'I really ought to go in, or at least call in sick' and 'they'll only miss me because they'll have to fix their own damn computer problems' and a side of 'even in a crap economy, quitting sounds really nice right now.'
Don't touch me. Enough said. Nevermind the fact I have body issues and unresolved issues with sex, I now can't even handle basic physical contact. Again, fight or flight. If someone gets within arms' reach of me and I have to stop and mentally TELL myself not to lash out or run. It's horrible, and it's definitely not fair to the BF who is a very cuddly/affectionate type. (I never have been, but I've never been someone who can't handle being cuddled, either. It's just not my first choice.)
Between being sleep deprived for over a month now and unable to handle any stimuli whatsoever, I'm an absolute basket case, and I can't escape the feeling of being trapped inside my own skin. I can't function on even a basic level right now. Hell, I've been living off of coffee and nervous adrenaline for two days.
And yet, the other option, to start up antideps that don't work in low/normal doses on my body chemistry, is still a fate worse than death, because then I'm completely numb on a dosage level that would knock out most draft horses. I lose all my creativity, any interest in doing more than sitting on the couch channel-surfing, etc.
On top of all this, I have no idea what the hell is even wrong with my body - for a month now, I've had upset stomach, GI issues, dizzy/shaky feeling (You know how that first second of an earthquake feels? A slight swaying/rocking you can't entirely place? It's like that 24/7.), and a general unsteadiness that ironically is NOT manifesting as increased clumsiness. It's incredibly bizarre. And it's all so unpredicable and inconsistent no medical provider will bother with me. This week I'm noticing tremors in my hands - I don't know if that's more of the same near-psychosis going on or an actual developing palsy. My fingers and joints ache, too - again, I have no idea if it's the level of tense going on all over, or something else entirely. It's definitely not helping with the crazy, though.
So. Sorry to be whiny, but jeezus, I haven't been able to put my thoughts or frustrations into vocal words in a long time, so it's all spam on the 'net so I can at least get it sorted into tidier categories. I promise to resist the urge to do some sort of sniveling 3am voicepost, though.
Basically, I'm recognizing a lot of the same symptoms as the last time I was depressed, but also a few disturbing new ones.
Sleep deprivation. Like, instead of wanting to sleep all damn day, I just can't sleep AT ALL. I was falling asleep sitting up in my chair last night (literally, head nearly hitting my keyboard, falling-down-sleepy), but by the time I laid down in bed, I was jittery and restless. I listened to every. single. noise. the house makes as it settles for three hours. I could freakin' hear a moth flitting about in the hallway. We're talking wired-like-a-crackhead sleep dep. I finally managed to nod off... Only to have to wake up a very short time later to get up for work again. Trying to sleep in on the weekends doesn't work; I'm still awake-can't-fall-asleep-again by 9 after being unable to sleep until 4 or 5. I need 6-7 hours a night to function normally. That's a 2-4 hour deficit each night, and that level of sleep dep is on a Richter scale of increasing intensity. I'm seriously surprised I haven't started hallucinating my father or long-gone pets, at this point. (Oh yeah, June was a craptacular month all 'round for painful memories and unfinished grieving, let me tell you.)
Everything is a crisis. It doesn't matter how large or small the bump in the road is, my immediate, uncontrollable reaction on a lizard-brain level is fight or flight. I HATED feeling that way when depressed. And now I'm in a position at work that I hate, which is high-octane stress on a broad scale. This Cannot End Well. I have resorted to asking the BF to palm some of his dad's Xanax to make it through tomorrow. I'm desperate. The immediate panic shuts down my ability to logically process through problems - this morning felt like a bad rehash of Office Space. I had a lot of people all asking about a committee meeting that I had very little information for (and the broker who was actually AT the meeting up in Sact'o wasn't helping one goddamned bit. Lord, I hate her.) - I have all the tools to find things out, and could easily schedule a conference room for this unexpected web meeting (when no web details had been provided), but it took four or five times longer and the whole time I'm having trouble managing even a deep breath and NOT crying. Over a stupid meeting. I am absolutely neurotic, and I can't stand it.
FML. I can pinpoint SOME of my mood on stress - work is stressful on several levels, my personal life isn't exactly going the way I want it to. But there's this constant sense of "What's the use?" that keeps nagging at me now, too. The thought of just not going back to work tomorrow is this odd mix of 'I really ought to go in, or at least call in sick' and 'they'll only miss me because they'll have to fix their own damn computer problems' and a side of 'even in a crap economy, quitting sounds really nice right now.'
Don't touch me. Enough said. Nevermind the fact I have body issues and unresolved issues with sex, I now can't even handle basic physical contact. Again, fight or flight. If someone gets within arms' reach of me and I have to stop and mentally TELL myself not to lash out or run. It's horrible, and it's definitely not fair to the BF who is a very cuddly/affectionate type. (I never have been, but I've never been someone who can't handle being cuddled, either. It's just not my first choice.)
Between being sleep deprived for over a month now and unable to handle any stimuli whatsoever, I'm an absolute basket case, and I can't escape the feeling of being trapped inside my own skin. I can't function on even a basic level right now. Hell, I've been living off of coffee and nervous adrenaline for two days.
And yet, the other option, to start up antideps that don't work in low/normal doses on my body chemistry, is still a fate worse than death, because then I'm completely numb on a dosage level that would knock out most draft horses. I lose all my creativity, any interest in doing more than sitting on the couch channel-surfing, etc.
On top of all this, I have no idea what the hell is even wrong with my body - for a month now, I've had upset stomach, GI issues, dizzy/shaky feeling (You know how that first second of an earthquake feels? A slight swaying/rocking you can't entirely place? It's like that 24/7.), and a general unsteadiness that ironically is NOT manifesting as increased clumsiness. It's incredibly bizarre. And it's all so unpredicable and inconsistent no medical provider will bother with me. This week I'm noticing tremors in my hands - I don't know if that's more of the same near-psychosis going on or an actual developing palsy. My fingers and joints ache, too - again, I have no idea if it's the level of tense going on all over, or something else entirely. It's definitely not helping with the crazy, though.
So. Sorry to be whiny, but jeezus, I haven't been able to put my thoughts or frustrations into vocal words in a long time, so it's all spam on the 'net so I can at least get it sorted into tidier categories. I promise to resist the urge to do some sort of sniveling 3am voicepost, though.