Mental State of the Yote
So I had one of those shitty days where everything goes wrong and you feel like crap and hate yourself and the world. And earlier Zack showed me this funny pic of a little boy with a school assignment where he had to write his greatest wish and it was to punch god in the face. It was funny. And then tonight I realized I want to punch god in the face. I even had a really vivid and sort of amusing daydream where he appeared in a huge sunbeam, angels singing, the whole works. I have never punched anyone, I don't really even know how to begin. But in this daydream I wound my arm back and sucker-punched him in the jaw - a perfect punch like you'd see in the movies! His head whipped back from the force and surprise. And then I spontaneously combusted. :P Back to the point. If I was making a point at all to start with.
Let's see. As a creator (of art) and a caretaker (of pets) I have similar responsibilities to god. But I take mine seriously. I would not intentionally create something wrong or do a shoddy job of it - I give everything my best effort and don't give up til it is as close to perfection as I can make it. Which is why it takes me forever to make art. And pets... I would never leave one hurting or sick because it "builds character" and I would never abandon them. He could do better. You can't tell me he couldn't.
And that's the thing, if there ever was a god, he must have abandoned us because this world is so fucked up. If he didn't and he's staying out of it to let us try to sort out our own problems then he's a terrible being and I want nothing to do with him. That's laziness, or cruelty, or both. That's not something I ever want to worship. If you made something you take care of it! You don't let your house fall apart and your kids get sick and your pets starve and your garden die. If you do you are an awful terrible person and I hate you.
Angst coyote. That's me.
So I'm feeling adrift in this universe of random chance. Religion is supposed to be an anchor but if you have no reason to have faith it doesn't work. I feel tiny and alone and helpless and I just want to disappear and not have to deal with all this big scary stuff anymore. If it's me versus the world I have no chance of succeeding at anything, as has been proven time and again throughout my life. I am small and broken, and not very good at fighting back.
If I didn't have Zack I probably would give up entirely. But I want to be there for him. I'm also scared of losing him, especially with my depression and anxiety spiking. I know I'm not a fun or easy person to deal with when I get like this.
And dammit I miss my dog.
Before you say it, yes I'm trying to get back in to see a therapist. I know I need help. I'm just so tired... and tired of the roller coaster of anxiety/depression.... I get better, I get worse, I never know what to expect and I'm always worried what's around the next turn. I will probably get better again. But then I'll probably get worse again too. GGRRRR.
Let's see. As a creator (of art) and a caretaker (of pets) I have similar responsibilities to god. But I take mine seriously. I would not intentionally create something wrong or do a shoddy job of it - I give everything my best effort and don't give up til it is as close to perfection as I can make it. Which is why it takes me forever to make art. And pets... I would never leave one hurting or sick because it "builds character" and I would never abandon them. He could do better. You can't tell me he couldn't.
And that's the thing, if there ever was a god, he must have abandoned us because this world is so fucked up. If he didn't and he's staying out of it to let us try to sort out our own problems then he's a terrible being and I want nothing to do with him. That's laziness, or cruelty, or both. That's not something I ever want to worship. If you made something you take care of it! You don't let your house fall apart and your kids get sick and your pets starve and your garden die. If you do you are an awful terrible person and I hate you.
Angst coyote. That's me.
So I'm feeling adrift in this universe of random chance. Religion is supposed to be an anchor but if you have no reason to have faith it doesn't work. I feel tiny and alone and helpless and I just want to disappear and not have to deal with all this big scary stuff anymore. If it's me versus the world I have no chance of succeeding at anything, as has been proven time and again throughout my life. I am small and broken, and not very good at fighting back.
If I didn't have Zack I probably would give up entirely. But I want to be there for him. I'm also scared of losing him, especially with my depression and anxiety spiking. I know I'm not a fun or easy person to deal with when I get like this.
And dammit I miss my dog.
Before you say it, yes I'm trying to get back in to see a therapist. I know I need help. I'm just so tired... and tired of the roller coaster of anxiety/depression.... I get better, I get worse, I never know what to expect and I'm always worried what's around the next turn. I will probably get better again. But then I'll probably get worse again too. GGRRRR.