I am feeling depressed again.
Ok so I am having a rough night emotionally tonight - and it is over a kind gesture... sometime sweet. And somehow that good thing made me sad ... because I guess I don't feel I deserve it and then I go into that spiral of my baby girl deserves better than what I can give. Christmas is pretty much not happening at our house - With me not working, the nanny job I was hoping for fell through, My partner laid off - well keeping a rough over our head and the electricity on is much more important. And we are doing ok with that. With my partners severence package - we are able to at the very least catch up on everything we were behind on -and we are hoping his unemployment will keep us afloat until he finds a job.
If I look for a real job, I will negate the last 7 months of applying for disability due to my migraines and I really fear with me getting auras for an hour or two a day plus there are days I can barely get out of bed and watch baby girl... I know that my prior jobs of retail and working in a call center is not going to happen unless my migraines settle down -but since I don't work I don't have insurance so the medication I use to be on I can no longer afford.
Anyways so we can't really afford to get gifts or anything, And I certainly can't really afford the frivolous things like getting Sonya's picture with Santa... Silly I know but that saddens me greatly... simply because well really she isn't going to remember anything but I would love to have little things like pictures with Santa, the fact that for the first few summers I participated in the Child reading program at the library for her and silly things like that.
There are times that I am getting so upset because I still keep going back to the Birth I wanted and didn't get... I swear it feels like I didn't get much of anything I wanted when it came to the birth experiance... I had planned a water birth, with music and candles and smoothies and all kinds of gental loving atmosphere... and ended up having an emergency c section - I was put on bedrest a month before the birth so I wasn't able to get the belly cast I wanted, I wasn't able to get the henna done on my tummy like I wanted. Heck I wasn't even allowed to really have labor -I had about 5 contractions and they numbed me up for the csection ... now granted if the emergency csection hadn't happened I wouldn't have Sonya with me today - Infact if they hadn't rushed me in i don't think she would have survived. She was so bad so limp when they pulled her out of me I was so scared... and then I couldn't really touch or hold or have her with me, and I sat by her bed as much as I could... the only thing...the one thing I was able to do was keep her off formula once she was allowed to eat 4 days after she was born.
And now she is doing so well, she is healthy, she is ahead of the curve when it comes to the motor skills... and I have had people help me out - people I never expected to reach out to me - And I feel so unworthy....
Ok I should really just go to bed because I can't sleep very well... only got a few hours last night and I should be heading to bed now....
If I look for a real job, I will negate the last 7 months of applying for disability due to my migraines and I really fear with me getting auras for an hour or two a day plus there are days I can barely get out of bed and watch baby girl... I know that my prior jobs of retail and working in a call center is not going to happen unless my migraines settle down -but since I don't work I don't have insurance so the medication I use to be on I can no longer afford.
Anyways so we can't really afford to get gifts or anything, And I certainly can't really afford the frivolous things like getting Sonya's picture with Santa... Silly I know but that saddens me greatly... simply because well really she isn't going to remember anything but I would love to have little things like pictures with Santa, the fact that for the first few summers I participated in the Child reading program at the library for her and silly things like that.
There are times that I am getting so upset because I still keep going back to the Birth I wanted and didn't get... I swear it feels like I didn't get much of anything I wanted when it came to the birth experiance... I had planned a water birth, with music and candles and smoothies and all kinds of gental loving atmosphere... and ended up having an emergency c section - I was put on bedrest a month before the birth so I wasn't able to get the belly cast I wanted, I wasn't able to get the henna done on my tummy like I wanted. Heck I wasn't even allowed to really have labor -I had about 5 contractions and they numbed me up for the csection ... now granted if the emergency csection hadn't happened I wouldn't have Sonya with me today - Infact if they hadn't rushed me in i don't think she would have survived. She was so bad so limp when they pulled her out of me I was so scared... and then I couldn't really touch or hold or have her with me, and I sat by her bed as much as I could... the only thing...the one thing I was able to do was keep her off formula once she was allowed to eat 4 days after she was born.
And now she is doing so well, she is healthy, she is ahead of the curve when it comes to the motor skills... and I have had people help me out - people I never expected to reach out to me - And I feel so unworthy....
Ok I should really just go to bed because I can't sleep very well... only got a few hours last night and I should be heading to bed now....