When sam was little
I mean really little. Baby ... newborn really.
I had this eerie feeling I was going to loose him. that he would some how be gone from my life in a way that would break my heart. I thought then that meant he would die. That I would loose him to something...sids,accident something. I didn't know what but Iknew it was something.
I watched him incessantly for that first year until the feeling took a back burner. I relaxed. Every cough every sneeze did not mean impending doom. I thought the threat had passed. Little did I know the threat was hard at work in his head. stealing time until I was no longer as watchful. Until I turned my back and exhaled. The theif did come and it did take my boy
The theif has a name.
it is Autism
it's scary how little we know about his world. how far into his I can't see. the little things most moms take for granted.
hearing I love you without having to make him say it
looking into his eyes
having his say anything without prompt that makes sense
kisses
hugs and cuddles
all met with vehement disdain
all met with behavior that signals I have asked for something unfair.
I want him to tell me he loves me
I want him to say I love you too
but all i get is a thanks mom
and thats the best ever gets.
he told his plastic bunny he loves it.
but not me
not ever
not without a prompt
it breaks my heart
I hear him outside with my husband.his screech unmistakable
it is the sammy he has become.his happy smile and laughter have been replaced by something darker and less natural
my son has been replaced by something i can't understand no matter how hard I try
I used to picture how my boys would play outside together and have a great time
i can't even let sam outside without a 1:1 adult and him
it can be disasterous . he runs for the road. he runs for the fence. he's gone in a flash
He has those happy moments that burst through and I hold those with every ounce of flesh I can so as not to forget and not to loose any more of him
I try to remind him of them only to be met with a blank stare.
So yes my premonition was right
I would loose my son, as soon as I let down my guard
but I plan to fight for him with everything I have. every fiber of my being
I kept asking God to call me in a voice I cannot ignore. well I think he has. I will make sense of this. I will make it better
as better as i can make it at least
I will not give up
i cannot give up
his whole life rides on it
I had this eerie feeling I was going to loose him. that he would some how be gone from my life in a way that would break my heart. I thought then that meant he would die. That I would loose him to something...sids,accident something. I didn't know what but Iknew it was something.
I watched him incessantly for that first year until the feeling took a back burner. I relaxed. Every cough every sneeze did not mean impending doom. I thought the threat had passed. Little did I know the threat was hard at work in his head. stealing time until I was no longer as watchful. Until I turned my back and exhaled. The theif did come and it did take my boy
The theif has a name.
it is Autism
it's scary how little we know about his world. how far into his I can't see. the little things most moms take for granted.
hearing I love you without having to make him say it
looking into his eyes
having his say anything without prompt that makes sense
kisses
hugs and cuddles
all met with vehement disdain
all met with behavior that signals I have asked for something unfair.
I want him to tell me he loves me
I want him to say I love you too
but all i get is a thanks mom
and thats the best ever gets.
he told his plastic bunny he loves it.
but not me
not ever
not without a prompt
it breaks my heart
I hear him outside with my husband.his screech unmistakable
it is the sammy he has become.his happy smile and laughter have been replaced by something darker and less natural
my son has been replaced by something i can't understand no matter how hard I try
I used to picture how my boys would play outside together and have a great time
i can't even let sam outside without a 1:1 adult and him
it can be disasterous . he runs for the road. he runs for the fence. he's gone in a flash
He has those happy moments that burst through and I hold those with every ounce of flesh I can so as not to forget and not to loose any more of him
I try to remind him of them only to be met with a blank stare.
So yes my premonition was right
I would loose my son, as soon as I let down my guard
but I plan to fight for him with everything I have. every fiber of my being
I kept asking God to call me in a voice I cannot ignore. well I think he has. I will make sense of this. I will make it better
as better as i can make it at least
I will not give up
i cannot give up
his whole life rides on it