All I Want
I think the hardest thing is to saying good bye, even when it's see you later. I have been feeling more and more emotional on the subject of leaving. I am a firm believer in living for you, even at the cost of hurting others. Yet what do you do when it's also hurting you? As each day passes I feel like I'm unraveling. I feel alone. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. Because the people I want to turn to are hurting. The future is never certain, so what if this is the wrong choice I'm making? Will I ever have the chance to undo the damage I have done to the people I love the most? And what about the damage I'm doing to myself?
All I want is to run and just keep running. May be that way I could just be alone and not hurt those I care so much for. But is it worth it, being alone to save myself and other from the irreclaimable damage I'm attending upon this existence. I hate that I feel so much. I hate that behind close doors I'm the sensitive one. My feelings are what make my decisions so dangerous. I can't just think with my head I have to think with my heart. And that's why I end up hurting myself and others. I have the best intentions but they don't come out that way.
I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like this move will be best for me yet I don't want to leave behind the love I have. I feel that me being away might help with some of my issues regarding my insecurities about myself. And may be I will become more secure in knowing that love can be everlasting and unconditional. Or will I just end up alone because I fucked up what I had by trying to have a sense of self and family. "I tell you I wanna go, but I want to say here. But I know I'm going to lose myself this way." A phrase that continues to run in and out of my head.
I am a hypocrite. I sat here and got mad because my love was emotional about me leaving. Yet I'm sitting here crying trying to stop. Because I feel guilty. I promised I would never leave him again. But I know the outcome of a long distance relationship. And I can't take losing him forever when I could lose him for a little and know that we will find one another again. When you love something let it go, and it will find you again. I cared a lot about him when I first met him and I had to let him go. And we found each other. But the future is not certain in the eyes of mere mortals. So I guess I will have to follow through with what I started. The only questions left are... Am I making the right choice? Or will I live the rest of my life in regret? the only thing I am certain is, I'm in love with a great guy and I'm going to lose him for a little. And that little bit could be forever. Nothing in life is fair.
Death is peaceful,
easy.
Life... is harder...
All I want is to run and just keep running. May be that way I could just be alone and not hurt those I care so much for. But is it worth it, being alone to save myself and other from the irreclaimable damage I'm attending upon this existence. I hate that I feel so much. I hate that behind close doors I'm the sensitive one. My feelings are what make my decisions so dangerous. I can't just think with my head I have to think with my heart. And that's why I end up hurting myself and others. I have the best intentions but they don't come out that way.
I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like this move will be best for me yet I don't want to leave behind the love I have. I feel that me being away might help with some of my issues regarding my insecurities about myself. And may be I will become more secure in knowing that love can be everlasting and unconditional. Or will I just end up alone because I fucked up what I had by trying to have a sense of self and family. "I tell you I wanna go, but I want to say here. But I know I'm going to lose myself this way." A phrase that continues to run in and out of my head.
I am a hypocrite. I sat here and got mad because my love was emotional about me leaving. Yet I'm sitting here crying trying to stop. Because I feel guilty. I promised I would never leave him again. But I know the outcome of a long distance relationship. And I can't take losing him forever when I could lose him for a little and know that we will find one another again. When you love something let it go, and it will find you again. I cared a lot about him when I first met him and I had to let him go. And we found each other. But the future is not certain in the eyes of mere mortals. So I guess I will have to follow through with what I started. The only questions left are... Am I making the right choice? Or will I live the rest of my life in regret? the only thing I am certain is, I'm in love with a great guy and I'm going to lose him for a little. And that little bit could be forever. Nothing in life is fair.
Death is peaceful,
easy.
Life... is harder...