On Fear
I have not destroyed all my fears, have not scoured every one of them from my soul.
Once, this is what I thought was needed.
I have become a hunter of fear.
I have learned to recognize its scent, its trail. I have learned the way fear moves, and how it hides.
I have followed it back to its lairs: the past and future, and within my mind, my heart, my body itself. By following fears, I have learned these territories better.
I have learned the way fear attacks, and have learned that even when I am caught in its grip, its head and vital organs may be far out of my reach.
Especially then.
I have come to know fear as a species. It is just one of many emotions in the ecosystem of my heart.
And now, I think that extinction of any one of these species, even fear, would endanger my soul.
In hunting my fears, I have learned how they thrive, and how they hunt. I have learned their psycho-ecological niche.
Yes, once they were overrunning, they were causing other vital parts of my Self to dwindle, starve, hide.
Now that I have hunted so many of them, killed a few and driven others, wounded, back to their lairs, I find myself hunting less often.
Now that I am not hunted myself, I try to be a wiser hunter.
I will still hunt and kill those fears that endanger me. But I will not kill them simply for being fears.
Having a few of them around makes me whole.
I do not coddle them, I do not let them run around unchecked.
But often now, it is enough to notice their passing, to take note of their trails and their intended prey. When one encroaches too far, I do what is needed, but their numbers are fewer now, and I sleep well at night.
I wonder if I could tame one.
Once, this is what I thought was needed.
I have become a hunter of fear.
I have learned to recognize its scent, its trail. I have learned the way fear moves, and how it hides.
I have followed it back to its lairs: the past and future, and within my mind, my heart, my body itself. By following fears, I have learned these territories better.
I have learned the way fear attacks, and have learned that even when I am caught in its grip, its head and vital organs may be far out of my reach.
Especially then.
I have come to know fear as a species. It is just one of many emotions in the ecosystem of my heart.
And now, I think that extinction of any one of these species, even fear, would endanger my soul.
In hunting my fears, I have learned how they thrive, and how they hunt. I have learned their psycho-ecological niche.
Yes, once they were overrunning, they were causing other vital parts of my Self to dwindle, starve, hide.
Now that I have hunted so many of them, killed a few and driven others, wounded, back to their lairs, I find myself hunting less often.
Now that I am not hunted myself, I try to be a wiser hunter.
I will still hunt and kill those fears that endanger me. But I will not kill them simply for being fears.
Having a few of them around makes me whole.
I do not coddle them, I do not let them run around unchecked.
But often now, it is enough to notice their passing, to take note of their trails and their intended prey. When one encroaches too far, I do what is needed, but their numbers are fewer now, and I sleep well at night.
I wonder if I could tame one.