Shadazz
Sweet sexy lady, just like jazz.
I had a few drinks while making dinner and had a little nostalgia cry as I listened to songs of my youth. I was trying to recapture a certain mood, I guess. In a lot of ways, I'm so much happier now, but there seems to be something I've lost. I'm stifling the rebellious side of myself. I don't feel beautiful anymore. I'm disconnected from my body. I'm constantly just holding on to the end of my rope and pushing forward. Always doing and never being. No self-expression. I considered the idea that maybe cooking dinner was a form of self-expression. It's a way of acting on my values, but I'm not sure it's really giving me a sense of self. It's not an expression of my emotions or personality, just my morals (or ethics? I'm never really sure which because I'm ignorant AF).
I'm stuck in one of those adolescent stages of questioning who I am. Who am I? I used to always write "what am I doing?" But, I think what I meant was "who am I?"
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
Not quite an anarchist, but anti-capitalism. Teaching credential candidate, but at odds with institutions of all kinds, including schools. Meat-eating environmentalist. Christian-feminist. Amateur naturalist living in a highly developed suburb. Aspiring to be a farmer longing to give away the food I grow. Wanting to live off-grid, but scared of not having healthcare and modern medicine. Curious, but ignorant. Motivated, but too scattered to actually accomplish anything. Fantasizing about making a garden blog, but dreading the hours of sitting in front of the computer that would be required. Homeowner with communist leanings. Radical, but scared to act on my principles. Anti-social, while supporting the idea of collective action. Longing to embrace diy culture, while recognizing the immense value of specialization. Ex-stripper who is anti-porn. Night owl who loves the morning. Loving sleep, but hating my dreams. I've seen too much, I know too much, but I want to believe. Crying inside while preaching to others to "look on the bright side." Old fashioned girl with who's dying to smash the patriarchy. Anti-consumerist still buying too much. Old-lady millennial.