They Say Actions Speak Louder Than Words, It's Not Like That ALL The Time
Well, anyway...I have a lot on my mind. Sometimes I feel like my emotional rant within myself will make me lose it. That's not to say that I must keep sane at all times. Love. Love love love love love. Need I say more? Confusions, questions, and hope. Love. Simple word with a complicated meaning. Desires. Wishes, hopes, and dreams. I have a goal. My goal is to get the hell out of here. Simple as that. Of course I do plan to finish my school first and not fuck it up for me this time around. Life continually changes. That's the thing about it. It sucks...but it's something that happens regardless of what you want, let alone need. Needs are completely important. One must be satisfied. Why am I not? What is it? You see, I always considered myself a lost soul. Is that really the case? Or am I really.....a confused soul? Maybe that is a lost soul. Someone could be lost based off of different ways or paths. Me? Well, I don't know. Reasons of being lost is:
Not knowing where to go.
Waiting for something.
Lost something.
Hoping for something.
Expecting for something. (It's not like waiting so shoosh it.)
Searching for something.
Confused.
Or simply wanting something.
Maybe that is a lost soul in general. All of those combined? Perhaps. I guess it is based on an individual. Yet I wonder.....sometimes I think to myself....why aren't I happy? In all honesty, I don't believe I know how TO be happy. Everyone says not to blame it on your parents. Is that really so though? In all honesty, we are raised by our parents and they say that we become a spitting image of them. Yes, I take it into consideration that as adults...we know right from wrong. However, a humans character does not change overnight. It took years to create their personality. Yet "knowledge" of being oneself is expected to change overnight. It makes no sense to me. As for me? Well, I was raised in a conflicting household. How so? Well, lets look at it. My mother and father clashing from views, opinions, religious beliefs, and personalities. I saw that. I knew that. That's all I knew, and that's honestly all I know what to do. All I can do is try. Try to catch onto my bad behaviors, try to be a better person. I've tried since I was able to recognize that I didn't like who I was. Now? I don't like myself. Which is good. I used to hate myself. Now I don't like myself. Took me YEARS to get there. Can you imagine loving myself? People. You do not expect a beaten animal to change overnight. The animal is scared. It attacks, it cries, it's shy. We as human beings are animals too. I have more emotional scars than anything. The only little happiness I knew was from my brothers. Playing with them. Those are honestly the best and really....the only times I remember from my childhood. I wander at mind and heart. My environment...I want it to change. I want to see the world, and I won't settle down in one stupid state. I want to get out of here and I want to LIVE. Living doesn't have to mean being happy. I just...want to see the world in my eyes. That is my goal. That is my dream. As simple as it is...that's all there is to it. I don't have to have a dream or goal like everyone else. To...be successful, have a family, or some stupid thing like that. I have simple and small goes. Get out of here, and see the world in my eyes. I need to in order to feel alive. I want to so that I can live. You never would have heard this from me years ago. At that time I wanted to die.....and now.....I just want to live. Yet, if I die...then it simply is my time. I accept death as natural. Yet for now....I just want to now how it feels to live...and see things in my eyes, even if it's dark, scary, or hateful. Even if it becomes the death of me. I think I need so see it in order for my heart to remember what it felt like to be happy. To remember what it felt like to see dreams. To remember what it meant to love. To....just be happy. I have a goal. I have a simple dream. Let me live.
Not knowing where to go.
Waiting for something.
Lost something.
Hoping for something.
Expecting for something. (It's not like waiting so shoosh it.)
Searching for something.
Confused.
Or simply wanting something.
Maybe that is a lost soul in general. All of those combined? Perhaps. I guess it is based on an individual. Yet I wonder.....sometimes I think to myself....why aren't I happy? In all honesty, I don't believe I know how TO be happy. Everyone says not to blame it on your parents. Is that really so though? In all honesty, we are raised by our parents and they say that we become a spitting image of them. Yes, I take it into consideration that as adults...we know right from wrong. However, a humans character does not change overnight. It took years to create their personality. Yet "knowledge" of being oneself is expected to change overnight. It makes no sense to me. As for me? Well, I was raised in a conflicting household. How so? Well, lets look at it. My mother and father clashing from views, opinions, religious beliefs, and personalities. I saw that. I knew that. That's all I knew, and that's honestly all I know what to do. All I can do is try. Try to catch onto my bad behaviors, try to be a better person. I've tried since I was able to recognize that I didn't like who I was. Now? I don't like myself. Which is good. I used to hate myself. Now I don't like myself. Took me YEARS to get there. Can you imagine loving myself? People. You do not expect a beaten animal to change overnight. The animal is scared. It attacks, it cries, it's shy. We as human beings are animals too. I have more emotional scars than anything. The only little happiness I knew was from my brothers. Playing with them. Those are honestly the best and really....the only times I remember from my childhood. I wander at mind and heart. My environment...I want it to change. I want to see the world, and I won't settle down in one stupid state. I want to get out of here and I want to LIVE. Living doesn't have to mean being happy. I just...want to see the world in my eyes. That is my goal. That is my dream. As simple as it is...that's all there is to it. I don't have to have a dream or goal like everyone else. To...be successful, have a family, or some stupid thing like that. I have simple and small goes. Get out of here, and see the world in my eyes. I need to in order to feel alive. I want to so that I can live. You never would have heard this from me years ago. At that time I wanted to die.....and now.....I just want to live. Yet, if I die...then it simply is my time. I accept death as natural. Yet for now....I just want to now how it feels to live...and see things in my eyes, even if it's dark, scary, or hateful. Even if it becomes the death of me. I think I need so see it in order for my heart to remember what it felt like to be happy. To remember what it felt like to see dreams. To remember what it meant to love. To....just be happy. I have a goal. I have a simple dream. Let me live.