I have no fear of drowning; it's the breathing that's taking all this work...
I only over post on lj when I'm upset, which actually means I should post a lot more often. lol
I just don't feel like I can go to any of my friends about how I'm feeling and that's saying something about me, not them. It gets seriously irritating when your friend comes to you with the same exact problem all the freaking time and they don't do anything about it.
And as much as I know what I need to do to change, it is so hard to make myself do it. Easier said than done, ya know?
I get so down when I think about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. My best friend just got engaged and I am SERIOUSLY excited for her. I was jumping up & down & yelling when she told me. But at the same time, she's younger than me, so I'm jealous too. But I guess I have to have a boyfriend EVER to get engaged... It's so frustrating because, as my friends point out, it's my own fault I don't have somebody. I am terrified of being with someone though. I'm not sure why. I refuse to believe that anyone good looking could be interested in me and the people that I realize are interested in me, I don't like.
I like to lie to myself and say that no one's ever liked me and that is such a load of horse shit. I can think of five guys off the top of my head that really liked me. The only one I would have actually dated, I screwed things up. And I do that. I get rid of people before I can even become something that they have that can be gotten rid of.
But I have such negative self-image, I doubt I'd even think I was physically attractive if I looked like Katie McGrath. I just can't believe that anyone could look past my body and love me for who I am. If an attractive guy hit on me, it'd either go right over my head, or I'd look around for where his buddies are waiting to laugh at me for thinking that someone like him would want someone like me. I don't know where this comes from, but it is crippling. And no one I talk to about this seems to understand that I am having an extremely difficult time trying to get past that.
It also helps that I never dated anyone in high school, so I don't know how to date or flirt on purpose. I'm also a 26 year old virgin and that makes me want to die. I think to myself "Who would want to be with a girl with no experience? I am such a loser."
What I think best describes how I feel is actually a line from a Killers song and a line from a Maroon 5 song. "You sit there in your heartache waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways." "I built a wall around my heart, never let it fall apart. Strangely, I wish, secretly, it would fall down while I'm asleep."
I just don't even know how to begin to get past this, but it is killing me. Out of thirteen grandkids on my mom's side, I am the ONLY one who does not have a significant other. And the only reason I won't be the last to get married is because one of my cousins is gay and in this state, can't even get a civil union. Dammit. I just realized said cousin could move to New York or something. Well, nevermind on that then... Oh, one of my cousins recently got divorced, so I guess I'm not the only one without someone now. Woo.
I just don't feel like I can go to any of my friends about how I'm feeling and that's saying something about me, not them. It gets seriously irritating when your friend comes to you with the same exact problem all the freaking time and they don't do anything about it.
And as much as I know what I need to do to change, it is so hard to make myself do it. Easier said than done, ya know?
I get so down when I think about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. My best friend just got engaged and I am SERIOUSLY excited for her. I was jumping up & down & yelling when she told me. But at the same time, she's younger than me, so I'm jealous too. But I guess I have to have a boyfriend EVER to get engaged... It's so frustrating because, as my friends point out, it's my own fault I don't have somebody. I am terrified of being with someone though. I'm not sure why. I refuse to believe that anyone good looking could be interested in me and the people that I realize are interested in me, I don't like.
I like to lie to myself and say that no one's ever liked me and that is such a load of horse shit. I can think of five guys off the top of my head that really liked me. The only one I would have actually dated, I screwed things up. And I do that. I get rid of people before I can even become something that they have that can be gotten rid of.
But I have such negative self-image, I doubt I'd even think I was physically attractive if I looked like Katie McGrath. I just can't believe that anyone could look past my body and love me for who I am. If an attractive guy hit on me, it'd either go right over my head, or I'd look around for where his buddies are waiting to laugh at me for thinking that someone like him would want someone like me. I don't know where this comes from, but it is crippling. And no one I talk to about this seems to understand that I am having an extremely difficult time trying to get past that.
It also helps that I never dated anyone in high school, so I don't know how to date or flirt on purpose. I'm also a 26 year old virgin and that makes me want to die. I think to myself "Who would want to be with a girl with no experience? I am such a loser."
What I think best describes how I feel is actually a line from a Killers song and a line from a Maroon 5 song. "You sit there in your heartache waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways." "I built a wall around my heart, never let it fall apart. Strangely, I wish, secretly, it would fall down while I'm asleep."
I just don't even know how to begin to get past this, but it is killing me. Out of thirteen grandkids on my mom's side, I am the ONLY one who does not have a significant other. And the only reason I won't be the last to get married is because one of my cousins is gay and in this state, can't even get a civil union. Dammit. I just realized said cousin could move to New York or something. Well, nevermind on that then... Oh, one of my cousins recently got divorced, so I guess I'm not the only one without someone now. Woo.