Signs of wear and tear...
Man, this job is beating the crap outta me...and it only gets crazier from here. Only 5,000 more students and change to go. Wheee!!!
Am now going on day six in a row. Yes, i signed on for the potentiality of not having a day off this workweek...but man, i didn't know when i said yes that i was gonna have a full blown emotional crisis right in the middle of things!
Kinda takes all the sparkle out of the extra money...
oh well.
Yeah, the emotional crisis had to do with (what else) my boyfriend. Seriously gotta get him more stabilized, so i can talk to him about my fears and worries and get rid of them without feeling like i'm adding onto his already overflowing plate. Fortunately, I've had friends help talk me down on the issues for now, so I should be able to cope a little longer. Admittedly, i do feel a bit more chickish this week, cause i've been obsessing on something he said in passing...which apparently is a very feminine thing to do. Yes, I realize now that he did what he did (coming down to play with not just me, but his friends as well) because he cares about my feelings, as well as those of our mutual friends, even if he was feeling like crap and didn't want to.
Still, the "I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings." comment stings, but hey, it's the fact that he still came, and not the tossed off reasoning behind it that means something to me. Eh, maybe the new girl at work is right, and I'm just PMSing. Wouldn't be the first time. Won't be the last.
Begged off date night last night due to extreme exhaustion. I know his girlfriend understands why. Just hope he does too. Ah well, nothing for it. I mean, watching me sleep can't be much fun, right? So, I won't sweat it. Sides, last night I know I'd have been all hot to corner him and chat up my problems, and he SO doesn't need that right now. They'll either keep, or they'll go away on their own.
I just gotta remember to file a request with her to not tell me crap like that right now. I'm already running more towards jagged than I'm used to. Not a good time for crap like that.
It's funny, ya know? I know now why I spent the last four years wrapping myself in bitterness and hatred. It's soothing. You can deaden yourself to whatever the hell bothers you, let it slide, and just be numb. But you end up missing out on so many good feelings in between that in the end, it's not worth it. You just end up locked into that cycle.Not feeling. Not caring. Safely isolated in a little bubble of red hot anger at everything and nothing at once.
Problem is, the bubble always has to pop.
So, now I'm doing the opposite. I reconnected with my emotions a few months back, and for the most part, it's been great. Sure, Thursday sucked and hard. Hell, i had to take a five minute break to slide back into character and get mean and angry and hateful again just to get to a point where I'd make it through the day. Nice to know i have that ripcord to pull when i need to. But now it's just that: an escape mechanism. I'll still have to deal with everything, but at least i can still do that to pull through the gottas.
Sure, it means i'm back to being a bit of a basket case again, as i refer to it. Just means I feel the pain. Difference is, now i embrace it. It means that yes, I may cry sometimes, but that's okay. You gotta cleanse yourself of those things sometimes. Otherwise, they keep filling you up until that's all that's left.
Fuck all that.
I'd rather get it out, take a few hours to heal, and then go back to being the little ray of black sunshine I've become. Sure, that's still a bit of a bleak outlook, but it beats the hell out of what I used to see myself as:
Unlovable.
Unworthy of human companionship.
Just an automaton, coasting through this life.
Hollow.
Broken.
A body too damned stubborn to get it over with and just lie down.
Now? I'm out there making it day to day. I'm alive damnit. With all the pitfalls, pains, pratfalls, joys, and feelings I've been denying myself so damned long. Sure, I may lean a hell of a lot more to the gallows side of humor, but that's just my outlook, ya know? Life may suck, but there's always a small spot of light to find in there.
And sometimes, just sometimes, it really is the light at the end of the tunnel, and not the freight train coming your way.
Maybe it's cause i sabotaged the tracks...but still...
Screw living in fear.
I'm just living.
Living for today.
And for the first time in years...I'm living for tomorrow too.
And that feels really damned good.
Am now going on day six in a row. Yes, i signed on for the potentiality of not having a day off this workweek...but man, i didn't know when i said yes that i was gonna have a full blown emotional crisis right in the middle of things!
Kinda takes all the sparkle out of the extra money...
oh well.
Yeah, the emotional crisis had to do with (what else) my boyfriend. Seriously gotta get him more stabilized, so i can talk to him about my fears and worries and get rid of them without feeling like i'm adding onto his already overflowing plate. Fortunately, I've had friends help talk me down on the issues for now, so I should be able to cope a little longer. Admittedly, i do feel a bit more chickish this week, cause i've been obsessing on something he said in passing...which apparently is a very feminine thing to do. Yes, I realize now that he did what he did (coming down to play with not just me, but his friends as well) because he cares about my feelings, as well as those of our mutual friends, even if he was feeling like crap and didn't want to.
Still, the "I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings." comment stings, but hey, it's the fact that he still came, and not the tossed off reasoning behind it that means something to me. Eh, maybe the new girl at work is right, and I'm just PMSing. Wouldn't be the first time. Won't be the last.
Begged off date night last night due to extreme exhaustion. I know his girlfriend understands why. Just hope he does too. Ah well, nothing for it. I mean, watching me sleep can't be much fun, right? So, I won't sweat it. Sides, last night I know I'd have been all hot to corner him and chat up my problems, and he SO doesn't need that right now. They'll either keep, or they'll go away on their own.
I just gotta remember to file a request with her to not tell me crap like that right now. I'm already running more towards jagged than I'm used to. Not a good time for crap like that.
It's funny, ya know? I know now why I spent the last four years wrapping myself in bitterness and hatred. It's soothing. You can deaden yourself to whatever the hell bothers you, let it slide, and just be numb. But you end up missing out on so many good feelings in between that in the end, it's not worth it. You just end up locked into that cycle.Not feeling. Not caring. Safely isolated in a little bubble of red hot anger at everything and nothing at once.
Problem is, the bubble always has to pop.
So, now I'm doing the opposite. I reconnected with my emotions a few months back, and for the most part, it's been great. Sure, Thursday sucked and hard. Hell, i had to take a five minute break to slide back into character and get mean and angry and hateful again just to get to a point where I'd make it through the day. Nice to know i have that ripcord to pull when i need to. But now it's just that: an escape mechanism. I'll still have to deal with everything, but at least i can still do that to pull through the gottas.
Sure, it means i'm back to being a bit of a basket case again, as i refer to it. Just means I feel the pain. Difference is, now i embrace it. It means that yes, I may cry sometimes, but that's okay. You gotta cleanse yourself of those things sometimes. Otherwise, they keep filling you up until that's all that's left.
Fuck all that.
I'd rather get it out, take a few hours to heal, and then go back to being the little ray of black sunshine I've become. Sure, that's still a bit of a bleak outlook, but it beats the hell out of what I used to see myself as:
Unlovable.
Unworthy of human companionship.
Just an automaton, coasting through this life.
Hollow.
Broken.
A body too damned stubborn to get it over with and just lie down.
Now? I'm out there making it day to day. I'm alive damnit. With all the pitfalls, pains, pratfalls, joys, and feelings I've been denying myself so damned long. Sure, I may lean a hell of a lot more to the gallows side of humor, but that's just my outlook, ya know? Life may suck, but there's always a small spot of light to find in there.
And sometimes, just sometimes, it really is the light at the end of the tunnel, and not the freight train coming your way.
Maybe it's cause i sabotaged the tracks...but still...
Screw living in fear.
I'm just living.
Living for today.
And for the first time in years...I'm living for tomorrow too.
And that feels really damned good.