(no subject)

[kitsune_chick]

I'm fine for the most part.
at least they all seem to think I am.
I hide how broken my heart is.
how lonely I am.
I'm hiding how much I don't want to touch anyone
how empty the feeling of holding or touching would feel
because I don't want to hold or touch anyone but him

I miss Jahan so much I feel like I'm dehydrated and no matter how much water I drink I'm not satisfied.
I want to call him just to hear his voice but I'm much stronger then that.
I was the one who ended it. and I know that if I go back then I'll be even more miserable then before
or then I am now

but god I wish I knew he cared I was gone at all.
I'm certain he's happier I'm gone. glad to be rid of me.

I can't sleep well anymore I'm having nightmares every night about him
and not scary ones the sad ones that you think are real and you start crying in your sleep
and wake up to your room mate shaking you and asking what's wrong.

I'm not going to let anyone know how sad I am about this
I'm going to be strong show them all he's not worth crying about
that I don't need him
but then I guess that makes me a liar
because every time I have a moment alone I'm crying
and I feel like he's my oxygen and I haven't been able to breathe for days.

when it gets to be too much
I open up my skin a little
to ease the strain on my heart.