I like the first ending best! Makes it more poignant.
I REALLY LOVE THIS, KITTY. I'M SO GLAD YOU LISTENED TO ME ABOUT DESCRIPTION, seriously, this piece of writing has so much oomph because of it. I just really really love this :((
1. I think you meant to write that his hair was stringy, not stingy XD. 2. Ending 1. I like that it cycles back to the gingham thing.
Why was it that he approached her? What drew him to her? I know you're not really telling the story from his POV, but it kinda seemed dreamy, like it skipped over details that would have cemented the story a bit more for me.
I like how evocative this is! It really sets a mood: the diner, the haze against the sun, her foot knocking against a glass bottle. I think you could do with expanding her meeting with the bloke, though? I understand why she goes with him, but it just seems too sudden. Maybe you could say what exactly the signal is that passes between them? :-? Oh, and when you say "She never pretended with him, never felt the need to." the word "never" suggests that she already knows this guy. I don't know if that was what you were going for or not.
I wouldn't describe the diner any more than you have done already. If you did I think the whole thing would just have too much description. :-? Besides, the waitress and the disgusting food and the fly suggest what sort of a diner it is anyway. :))
As for the endings, I actually prefer the second one! But I'm outvoted there. :)) Go with whichever one feels right to you.
Oh, and I noticed one spelling mistake: "she was silenly thankful."
I heard a song and immediately thought of this story and just wrote it in one go one night.
And also I've always wanted to be a writer, and I realized that it's never going to happen unless I actually start practicing again--not including fanfiction. So I've been toying with a bunch of short stories, gradually honing and such. I'm trying to work them up to publishable quality, which is why I so appreciate feedback.
I feel as if I'm not good enough to publish yet, but with a little bit more experience, possibly soon or at least someday.
And this was a ridiculously long reply for such an easy question.
I wouldn't describe the diner more but....I dunno, it seems like girl in diner; guy walks into diner; guy sees girl; wham bam they're makin' hot lovin'....this bit is bothering me:
"The plate remained untouched...[to]....and they both edged out of the tight diner booths."
Why did he want to talk to her? Did they know each other before - it seems like they did...but I think you're maybe trying to say that he is just another guy and she does this all the time because she is looking for a guy that she does it all the time with instead of a revolving door of the "same" guy? Or something.
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I REALLY LOVE THIS, KITTY. I'M SO GLAD YOU LISTENED TO ME ABOUT DESCRIPTION, seriously, this piece of writing has so much oomph because of it. I just really really love this :((
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2. Ending 1. I like that it cycles back to the gingham thing.
Why was it that he approached her? What drew him to her? I know you're not really telling the story from his POV, but it kinda seemed dreamy, like it skipped over details that would have cemented the story a bit more for me.
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2. Cool!
See, I really don't know how to put it in, so I was thinking about maybe including more of their conversation so that it seems a little less rushed?
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I wouldn't describe the diner any more than you have done already. If you did I think the whole thing would just have too much description. :-? Besides, the waitress and the disgusting food and the fly suggest what sort of a diner it is anyway. :))
As for the endings, I actually prefer the second one! But I'm outvoted there. :)) Go with whichever one feels right to you.
Oh, and I noticed one spelling mistake: "she was silenly thankful."
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LOL. I liked the second one best, actually, so it's good to hear someone else shares my taste.
Ooh, thanks! It's been corrected. :))
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Just out of interest, is this for class or what? :-?
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I heard a song and immediately thought of this story and just wrote it in one go one night.
And also I've always wanted to be a writer, and I realized that it's never going to happen unless I actually start practicing again--not including fanfiction. So I've been toying with a bunch of short stories, gradually honing and such. I'm trying to work them up to publishable quality, which is why I so appreciate feedback.
I feel as if I'm not good enough to publish yet, but with a little bit more experience, possibly soon or at least someday.
And this was a ridiculously long reply for such an easy question.
Reply
I wouldn't describe the diner more but....I dunno, it seems like girl in diner; guy walks into diner; guy sees girl; wham bam they're makin' hot lovin'....this bit is bothering me:
"The plate remained untouched...[to]....and they both edged out of the tight diner booths."
Why did he want to talk to her? Did they know each other before - it seems like they did...but I think you're maybe trying to say that he is just another guy and she does this all the time because she is looking for a guy that she does it all the time with instead of a revolving door of the "same" guy? Or something.
Also, I kept calling her Savannah. Heh.
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