Read What Doom Fears!
Gotta love Wizard magazine. If only for this great top ten list from Dr. Doom himself.
Top Ten Things that scare even Dr. Doom:
10. Spiders
Spiders have many legs. Often they are furry. They scuttle about, spin sticky webs and devour their prey by sucking out their fliuds. Doom does not approve.
9. Platypuses
Duck-billed mammals that lay eggs? Doom is not fooled by your trickery, you abominations! Such ill concevied creatures can only be the handy work of Loki, God of Mischief. Doom sees your creations for what they are, Loki! Spies! Well, Doom scoffs at your feeble attempts to learn his infallible plans through such methods as this.
8. "Hang in There" Kitty Poster
How utterly trite and ultimatley alarming. How pitiful it is to see humans expressing the futility of their exsitence by projecting themselves onto the image of a helpless baby animal clutching a fragile tree branch. Do you fancy yourselves kittens, you pathetic humans? What does that branch represent? Your uselessness? Impotence? Perhaps you simply enjoy seeing the weak in peril. If so, Doom can empathize.
7. Automatically Flushing Urinals
Doom fears any society in which infrared, laser-aided, urinal-flushing technology is prized over the advancement, of say, curing diseases. Someday, an endless series of mechanical arms will whisk the limp bodies of their human masters to and fro, from bed to shower to work to home to bed. Doom vows this: Latverians shall forever be forced to manually flush away their own waste!
6. Frankenfuters
Once, Doom and Iron Man were magically summoned to the age of Camelot to resolve a royal conflict. Iron Man, not trusting the meals provided to him, subsisted on his armor's rations, consisting of raw, cheese filled hot dogs called Frankenfurters. Doom cared not-until he learned that he and Iron Man were forced to use a common chamber pot. Doom ended up just holding it.
5. Fat Chicks in Spandex
Nothing takes the starch out of Doom's noodle like 200 pounds of female in 100 pound tested Spandex fabric. Doom desires to move on immediately.
4. Black Licorice
How...unnerving. Although the creation of the Red should have led to the instant demise of the Black--that horrible, bitter, sweaty-shoe-leather-tasting Black--the Black still remains. Who devours this Black? Who? The hounds of Hell? Doom defies you to find a single consumer of these dark strips with the taste of filthy rubber. The Black is like some cosmic cockroach, a survivor the likes of which Doom has never seen. The Black fills Doom with fear...fear that he cannot match the Black in its longevity.
3. George Takei's Mole
It's no mole-it's a black hole, sucking in light and goodness and leaving only evil...evil! Doom fears his efforts to harness the Power Cosmic have been all for naught 'tis Takei's deformity, the key.
2. David Hasselhoff
Doom has circled the globe many times over. He has explored the vastest seas and devoured the secrets of its darkest corners. Yet, everywhere Doom journeys, the wind cries "Hasselhoff." Bah! Could such a man truely exist? Those green eyes sparkle like emerlds seven nights a week on Doom's vidscreen, set aside for the consumption of "Baywatch" and "Baywatch" alone. He must be an apparition, this Hasselhoff, an ethereal vapor conjured by the mystics, for Doom refuses to believe a mere mortal's hairstyle can dance in the salty ocean wind that way-so free! So alive!
1. Goober Peanut Butter and Jelly Mix
Yes, this ridiculous combination of both peanut butter and jelly in a single, stomach churning goo strikes fear in the heart of Doom! But hold, lest you jump to the conclusion that a mere grocery store novelty could possibly unsettle the mighty Doom-for jumping to such a conclusion might prove to be the jumper's last. This fetid mixture of "PB&J" troubles Doom, because it is a sign that humankind has truly reached the lowest of low points in it's slothful ways. Why would Doom want to rule a world full of cretins slurping down this sludge? How much time does one really save?
Top Ten Things that scare even Dr. Doom:
10. Spiders
Spiders have many legs. Often they are furry. They scuttle about, spin sticky webs and devour their prey by sucking out their fliuds. Doom does not approve.
9. Platypuses
Duck-billed mammals that lay eggs? Doom is not fooled by your trickery, you abominations! Such ill concevied creatures can only be the handy work of Loki, God of Mischief. Doom sees your creations for what they are, Loki! Spies! Well, Doom scoffs at your feeble attempts to learn his infallible plans through such methods as this.
8. "Hang in There" Kitty Poster
How utterly trite and ultimatley alarming. How pitiful it is to see humans expressing the futility of their exsitence by projecting themselves onto the image of a helpless baby animal clutching a fragile tree branch. Do you fancy yourselves kittens, you pathetic humans? What does that branch represent? Your uselessness? Impotence? Perhaps you simply enjoy seeing the weak in peril. If so, Doom can empathize.
7. Automatically Flushing Urinals
Doom fears any society in which infrared, laser-aided, urinal-flushing technology is prized over the advancement, of say, curing diseases. Someday, an endless series of mechanical arms will whisk the limp bodies of their human masters to and fro, from bed to shower to work to home to bed. Doom vows this: Latverians shall forever be forced to manually flush away their own waste!
6. Frankenfuters
Once, Doom and Iron Man were magically summoned to the age of Camelot to resolve a royal conflict. Iron Man, not trusting the meals provided to him, subsisted on his armor's rations, consisting of raw, cheese filled hot dogs called Frankenfurters. Doom cared not-until he learned that he and Iron Man were forced to use a common chamber pot. Doom ended up just holding it.
5. Fat Chicks in Spandex
Nothing takes the starch out of Doom's noodle like 200 pounds of female in 100 pound tested Spandex fabric. Doom desires to move on immediately.
4. Black Licorice
How...unnerving. Although the creation of the Red should have led to the instant demise of the Black--that horrible, bitter, sweaty-shoe-leather-tasting Black--the Black still remains. Who devours this Black? Who? The hounds of Hell? Doom defies you to find a single consumer of these dark strips with the taste of filthy rubber. The Black is like some cosmic cockroach, a survivor the likes of which Doom has never seen. The Black fills Doom with fear...fear that he cannot match the Black in its longevity.
3. George Takei's Mole
It's no mole-it's a black hole, sucking in light and goodness and leaving only evil...evil! Doom fears his efforts to harness the Power Cosmic have been all for naught 'tis Takei's deformity, the key.
2. David Hasselhoff
Doom has circled the globe many times over. He has explored the vastest seas and devoured the secrets of its darkest corners. Yet, everywhere Doom journeys, the wind cries "Hasselhoff." Bah! Could such a man truely exist? Those green eyes sparkle like emerlds seven nights a week on Doom's vidscreen, set aside for the consumption of "Baywatch" and "Baywatch" alone. He must be an apparition, this Hasselhoff, an ethereal vapor conjured by the mystics, for Doom refuses to believe a mere mortal's hairstyle can dance in the salty ocean wind that way-so free! So alive!
1. Goober Peanut Butter and Jelly Mix
Yes, this ridiculous combination of both peanut butter and jelly in a single, stomach churning goo strikes fear in the heart of Doom! But hold, lest you jump to the conclusion that a mere grocery store novelty could possibly unsettle the mighty Doom-for jumping to such a conclusion might prove to be the jumper's last. This fetid mixture of "PB&J" troubles Doom, because it is a sign that humankind has truly reached the lowest of low points in it's slothful ways. Why would Doom want to rule a world full of cretins slurping down this sludge? How much time does one really save?