(no subject)
I didn't ever really want to post any of this before because 1) it's
not really anyone's business, 2) I was embarassed for people to know,
and 3)
I'm not looking for pity. But sometimes you just have to get things off
your chest and out into the open. Plus I feel like anyone who cares
(probably few and far between) deserves to know why I miss so much
school, and why I get really moody, and why I never go out anymore or
want to socialize or go to parties or anything (except with a few close
friends). Why I almost always stay in in weekends. Sitting alone in my
room, or sleeping or reading or anything where I don't have to think
about him.
And what I talk to my therapist about. And why I got fucking fired
(yes, fired. because of him. from the helped him get as a favor. and
where I've worked for 4 years). I used to love him so much...
I seriously hate my brother. That sounds so malicious and negative and I hate myself for saying that, because I think negative intentions dont' hurt anybody but yourself (it's true, I swear). But I can't help it. I can't look on him without wanting to cry and to hit him and to scream and to just curl up in a ball and go to sleep, all at the same time.
Nobody has any idea what I'm going through. Constantly. Waking up to him puking in the bathroom or with fucking smoke wafting through my hallway or being up until 3 fucking am on a school night getting screamed at by him because he hates himself, so he has to take it out on me. All he does is call me a selfish bitch and a whore and ugly and a fuckup and tell me how I'll never be a doctor and I'm fake and I'm too self-righteous and I don't have friends because I'm a whiny bitch and they don't want to put up with it. And he's all my parents care about. I'm not trying to be like "oh, feel bad for me, pay attention to me! Look how neglected I am!" because I'm certainly well provided for, but you'd think they'd at least care a little bit. I understand he's the one with the problem, but does that really warrant MY neglect? All his problems and vices overshadow my good qualities, and no matter how hard I try to overcome that by over-acheiving and whatever, they don't notice. I never get a "Thank you" or a "Good job!" or anything. And whenever he screws up (try every day), that just gets them in a bad mood and accentuates and highlights my flaws.
So I just go to school every day, and force myself to smile and to act normal and that just makes everything so God-damned hard. I try to force myself to retain what was once my natural happiness- I used to be high on life and that was reflected in my joy and my happiness and my personality. Because I'm seriously dying inside, it hurts so badly. so incredibly badly. and I know tons of people have things so much worse but it's just so hard when someone you loved for 18 years throws everything back in your face because there's only one thing he cares about and it's certainly not ME.
I've been so much less and it's ruining my senior year. I never go out with all the people that used to be my really good friends. I used to enjoy school because I felt like there were so many people there who cared and like I had a lot of aquaintances and because it was fun. But the worst part is that I feel like I've lost all of them, and I'll always be here for them but that doesn't seem to be reciprocal. Calling whenever they need something or when they're asking a favor or when they argued with their boyfriend or parents or whoever, whenever its' convenient for them. And never calling just to talk. That's so painful. Only LK and Bette (I <3 you guys) ever call just to talk, just because they care. I guess I've been replaced?
I'm just so emotionally exhausted that my grades are dropping and I can't even pull myself back up to be concerned.
I'm pathetic.
It's ok though. Because I know what I can do to show them (him, really) what I'm going through. He told me he doesn't think i give a shit. So I'll give him a frigging physical manifestation of my pain. Show him how I feel emotionally by exerting that physically. And I know it'll hurt my parents and me, even, but I'm trying to make a point and, frankly, it'll be worth it. I'm quite desperate here.
It's kind of releiving to feel like I've got it all figured out.
I seriously hate my brother. That sounds so malicious and negative and I hate myself for saying that, because I think negative intentions dont' hurt anybody but yourself (it's true, I swear). But I can't help it. I can't look on him without wanting to cry and to hit him and to scream and to just curl up in a ball and go to sleep, all at the same time.
Nobody has any idea what I'm going through. Constantly. Waking up to him puking in the bathroom or with fucking smoke wafting through my hallway or being up until 3 fucking am on a school night getting screamed at by him because he hates himself, so he has to take it out on me. All he does is call me a selfish bitch and a whore and ugly and a fuckup and tell me how I'll never be a doctor and I'm fake and I'm too self-righteous and I don't have friends because I'm a whiny bitch and they don't want to put up with it. And he's all my parents care about. I'm not trying to be like "oh, feel bad for me, pay attention to me! Look how neglected I am!" because I'm certainly well provided for, but you'd think they'd at least care a little bit. I understand he's the one with the problem, but does that really warrant MY neglect? All his problems and vices overshadow my good qualities, and no matter how hard I try to overcome that by over-acheiving and whatever, they don't notice. I never get a "Thank you" or a "Good job!" or anything. And whenever he screws up (try every day), that just gets them in a bad mood and accentuates and highlights my flaws.
So I just go to school every day, and force myself to smile and to act normal and that just makes everything so God-damned hard. I try to force myself to retain what was once my natural happiness- I used to be high on life and that was reflected in my joy and my happiness and my personality. Because I'm seriously dying inside, it hurts so badly. so incredibly badly. and I know tons of people have things so much worse but it's just so hard when someone you loved for 18 years throws everything back in your face because there's only one thing he cares about and it's certainly not ME.
I've been so much less and it's ruining my senior year. I never go out with all the people that used to be my really good friends. I used to enjoy school because I felt like there were so many people there who cared and like I had a lot of aquaintances and because it was fun. But the worst part is that I feel like I've lost all of them, and I'll always be here for them but that doesn't seem to be reciprocal. Calling whenever they need something or when they're asking a favor or when they argued with their boyfriend or parents or whoever, whenever its' convenient for them. And never calling just to talk. That's so painful. Only LK and Bette (I <3 you guys) ever call just to talk, just because they care. I guess I've been replaced?
I'm just so emotionally exhausted that my grades are dropping and I can't even pull myself back up to be concerned.
I'm pathetic.
It's ok though. Because I know what I can do to show them (him, really) what I'm going through. He told me he doesn't think i give a shit. So I'll give him a frigging physical manifestation of my pain. Show him how I feel emotionally by exerting that physically. And I know it'll hurt my parents and me, even, but I'm trying to make a point and, frankly, it'll be worth it. I'm quite desperate here.
It's kind of releiving to feel like I've got it all figured out.