vulnerable
Since a dramatic falling out with the "doctor" I met in April, my social life has taken some rollercoaster whirls. For starters, last Saturday I went to a BBQ that was a dud; hung out with one friend that lived nearby; went to dinner with another; hung out with my sister and her boyfriend; then went to the gay bar, karaoke, and the doughnut shop with others.
In the meantime, I have been reaching out socially, via Okcupid, mostly. I've become interested in having a 3some, and I've been working on setting up a date with that couple. The "doctor" introduced me to someone I have been texting nearly everyday. There is also the gay, spiritual guy I've been texting from OKC.
In the process of all this socialization, I have been working to uncover who I really am. This can only be described in the onion metaphor; layers keep getting discovered, uncovered, and removed. Each layer presents new problems, and right now the most pressing issues are that of sexuality, orientation, and identity. There is also work being done on the spiritual front, via prayer and meditation as well as religion. My mind is all over the place and it would be best if I stuck to one path and focused on it.
The current approach is sort of working; each step forward sort of processes around themes. Personal improvement and health are dominant now, as I am exercising and trying to do what I can to make myself better. My biggest challenge is consistency. Right now, excessive sleep is causing some problems.
This journey of increased social contact has made me rather vulnerable. The text message conversations especially. I really just poured out my heart and soul to someone I haven't even met yet. This is a good example of turning a liability into an asset. My goal is to be honest and open, and stop playing games. I've been working on cutting to the chase; as much as I like frivolous conversation, there needs to be more depth and weight to everything that I do. Thoughts are nice, but actions are better. Indeed, a thought is a state of being, and an action, is well...an action. In the end, they are both verbs, but as I have a decent state of mind, I need to focus on the actions to not only keep it, but to explore it and push the boundaries.
My writings are increasingly personal and focused on more than time-based minutia. My goal is to capture feelings, to delve beyond the sterility of the calendar and all its flaws. As painful as it is, I've got to feel not just what's really going on with me, but I need to feel for others --to practice empathy. I'm getting better at that, incidentally.
I'll end with this: I received an incredible compliment a few hours ago -- that I could be a poster-child for how the program of AA works, how I went from such a miserable, dry drunk to a happier, healthier person. I've got to continue building a better tomorrow. I've been laying my heart and soul out, because I love myself and I want to help others. It began with honesty and continued exploration for truth and root causes. My wonderful support system showed me love when I believed love, like most of life, to be strictly academic and not a real occurrence. Thankfully, I was wrong.
Life is good for me, why can't I help make it good for you, too?
In the meantime, I have been reaching out socially, via Okcupid, mostly. I've become interested in having a 3some, and I've been working on setting up a date with that couple. The "doctor" introduced me to someone I have been texting nearly everyday. There is also the gay, spiritual guy I've been texting from OKC.
In the process of all this socialization, I have been working to uncover who I really am. This can only be described in the onion metaphor; layers keep getting discovered, uncovered, and removed. Each layer presents new problems, and right now the most pressing issues are that of sexuality, orientation, and identity. There is also work being done on the spiritual front, via prayer and meditation as well as religion. My mind is all over the place and it would be best if I stuck to one path and focused on it.
The current approach is sort of working; each step forward sort of processes around themes. Personal improvement and health are dominant now, as I am exercising and trying to do what I can to make myself better. My biggest challenge is consistency. Right now, excessive sleep is causing some problems.
This journey of increased social contact has made me rather vulnerable. The text message conversations especially. I really just poured out my heart and soul to someone I haven't even met yet. This is a good example of turning a liability into an asset. My goal is to be honest and open, and stop playing games. I've been working on cutting to the chase; as much as I like frivolous conversation, there needs to be more depth and weight to everything that I do. Thoughts are nice, but actions are better. Indeed, a thought is a state of being, and an action, is well...an action. In the end, they are both verbs, but as I have a decent state of mind, I need to focus on the actions to not only keep it, but to explore it and push the boundaries.
My writings are increasingly personal and focused on more than time-based minutia. My goal is to capture feelings, to delve beyond the sterility of the calendar and all its flaws. As painful as it is, I've got to feel not just what's really going on with me, but I need to feel for others --to practice empathy. I'm getting better at that, incidentally.
I'll end with this: I received an incredible compliment a few hours ago -- that I could be a poster-child for how the program of AA works, how I went from such a miserable, dry drunk to a happier, healthier person. I've got to continue building a better tomorrow. I've been laying my heart and soul out, because I love myself and I want to help others. It began with honesty and continued exploration for truth and root causes. My wonderful support system showed me love when I believed love, like most of life, to be strictly academic and not a real occurrence. Thankfully, I was wrong.
Life is good for me, why can't I help make it good for you, too?