acceptance
A sort of milestone occurred earlier today. Nearly 6 months ago, I began reading two inspirational books with a friend. A sort of two-person book study, if you will. The books are done and since they were manuals for a better life, all that is left is to live what I read. I've already lived the problem, the pain; there is a solution and it is time to implement it.
Part of the necessary change involves doing what I can not to restore or save any past relationships of any kind --romantic ones, friendships, acquaintances, professional, etc, but to heal any wounds that are possible to heal. In many instances, my current and future goals do not make a full disclosure possible. Many of those people that I'd like to contact are dead. Of those that are viable candidates for me to make amends with, many live far away. Letters, emails, phone calls, will not suffice. I'm not sure where that leaves me entirely. In even more instances, it would cause harm to even contact the person.
The conclusion, then, is simply to live a better life. No longer is there reason to harm those who I may have resentments against. The answer is not in being aggressive, passive, or even passive-aggressive. My life has been governed by fear. I am no longer a victim, but at times I have still chosen to deliberately manufacture my own bullshit.
I mention all this because in the past week, I have had to accept several unfortunate situations. As it is my spring vacation, I wanted to not only do some literal house cleaning (which has been done, for the most part; a few minor details for tomorrow remain), but to also clear some of my past emotional wreckage. As I have had one person on the mind lately, I tried in vain to set up a meeting time. Though somehow I saw the person and received 2 or 3 texts meant for another bearing my name, it remains elusive. I can't say that I blame him. I don't want a second, or third, or even fourth chance. A phone call earlier today --which was quite a surprise phone call-- also reminded me of this person.
Two other situations involved the severing of unhealthy ties. I do know, however, that to put my money where my mouth is and not be hypocritical, I must make amends with one of the persons. As I also said, a phone call, an email, etc, will not solve it. Simply because I sent an unbecoming text message does not mean the solution is in yet another text message.
In terms of the other person, it was simply standing up for myself. Recently I had been allowing myself to be dependent on someone else. Money was my payoff for compromising my morals. Push came to shove and I realised that I can't simply fulfill the whims of emotionally abusive family members for a few lousy bucks. The truth was painful, but it was revealed. I was not only hurting myself for my mother was being caused indirect suffering.
Despite this, with two relationships in the past, I can't help but wonder how to move forward. For this, I think a reference to The Departed (2006; Scorsese) is appropriate. There is a scene in which Alec Baldwin talks to Matt Damon (or was it DeCaprio?) that being married is a sign of many positive, desirable attributes --that you are a team player; that you are committed; that you are not gay; that you get along with others. As I am not married and have fewer and fewer relationships, those attributes become harder to attribute to me.
I don't have to cause any damage, but I do have to clear up what I can from the past. Again, the reality is that even if I am to speak to many of those individuals again, face to face, that nothing can ever be good and right. It was nice to realise that is okay, and perhaps even preferable. So many of those ties were built on lies and false assumptions.
None of this is a defence of anything. It is all an acknowledgement that atonement is my goal. As it is not possible in many situations, all I can do is not be an asshole. I can smile and hold the door open for others. I can give freely of myself, by providing car rides, any material belongings. I can provide any other support needed. I can not take advantage, nor have others take advantage of me. Living freely and honestly does not involve either enduring or inflicting fear.
To summarize: (1) I finished my book study; (2) I severed two unhealthy ties; (3) atonement is not always possible.
Whatever else remains isn't entirely predictable. All I can do is maintain my own, personal fitness --physically, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally. I no longer have to try, as trying is a futile exercise.
I've just got to do. And that, perhaps, is why livejournal updates are rarer --why do I need to post the same mess, often verbatim? Though there is a part that longs for the social, human interactions I had but never really appreciated, there is also acknowledgement that I've got to learn to be okay with myself. True, the test comes by interaction with others. Hopefully I can repopulate my social card. If not, then there is most definitely something still wrong with me, and the goal will then be to fix that. I want people in my life because I no longer hate myself or others.
I don't have to say "I don't know" because now I do know. I know to accept that I have limits and many limits have been reached. I know that I have to do what I can to help others.
Part of the necessary change involves doing what I can not to restore or save any past relationships of any kind --romantic ones, friendships, acquaintances, professional, etc, but to heal any wounds that are possible to heal. In many instances, my current and future goals do not make a full disclosure possible. Many of those people that I'd like to contact are dead. Of those that are viable candidates for me to make amends with, many live far away. Letters, emails, phone calls, will not suffice. I'm not sure where that leaves me entirely. In even more instances, it would cause harm to even contact the person.
The conclusion, then, is simply to live a better life. No longer is there reason to harm those who I may have resentments against. The answer is not in being aggressive, passive, or even passive-aggressive. My life has been governed by fear. I am no longer a victim, but at times I have still chosen to deliberately manufacture my own bullshit.
I mention all this because in the past week, I have had to accept several unfortunate situations. As it is my spring vacation, I wanted to not only do some literal house cleaning (which has been done, for the most part; a few minor details for tomorrow remain), but to also clear some of my past emotional wreckage. As I have had one person on the mind lately, I tried in vain to set up a meeting time. Though somehow I saw the person and received 2 or 3 texts meant for another bearing my name, it remains elusive. I can't say that I blame him. I don't want a second, or third, or even fourth chance. A phone call earlier today --which was quite a surprise phone call-- also reminded me of this person.
Two other situations involved the severing of unhealthy ties. I do know, however, that to put my money where my mouth is and not be hypocritical, I must make amends with one of the persons. As I also said, a phone call, an email, etc, will not solve it. Simply because I sent an unbecoming text message does not mean the solution is in yet another text message.
In terms of the other person, it was simply standing up for myself. Recently I had been allowing myself to be dependent on someone else. Money was my payoff for compromising my morals. Push came to shove and I realised that I can't simply fulfill the whims of emotionally abusive family members for a few lousy bucks. The truth was painful, but it was revealed. I was not only hurting myself for my mother was being caused indirect suffering.
Despite this, with two relationships in the past, I can't help but wonder how to move forward. For this, I think a reference to The Departed (2006; Scorsese) is appropriate. There is a scene in which Alec Baldwin talks to Matt Damon (or was it DeCaprio?) that being married is a sign of many positive, desirable attributes --that you are a team player; that you are committed; that you are not gay; that you get along with others. As I am not married and have fewer and fewer relationships, those attributes become harder to attribute to me.
I don't have to cause any damage, but I do have to clear up what I can from the past. Again, the reality is that even if I am to speak to many of those individuals again, face to face, that nothing can ever be good and right. It was nice to realise that is okay, and perhaps even preferable. So many of those ties were built on lies and false assumptions.
None of this is a defence of anything. It is all an acknowledgement that atonement is my goal. As it is not possible in many situations, all I can do is not be an asshole. I can smile and hold the door open for others. I can give freely of myself, by providing car rides, any material belongings. I can provide any other support needed. I can not take advantage, nor have others take advantage of me. Living freely and honestly does not involve either enduring or inflicting fear.
To summarize: (1) I finished my book study; (2) I severed two unhealthy ties; (3) atonement is not always possible.
Whatever else remains isn't entirely predictable. All I can do is maintain my own, personal fitness --physically, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally. I no longer have to try, as trying is a futile exercise.
I've just got to do. And that, perhaps, is why livejournal updates are rarer --why do I need to post the same mess, often verbatim? Though there is a part that longs for the social, human interactions I had but never really appreciated, there is also acknowledgement that I've got to learn to be okay with myself. True, the test comes by interaction with others. Hopefully I can repopulate my social card. If not, then there is most definitely something still wrong with me, and the goal will then be to fix that. I want people in my life because I no longer hate myself or others.
I don't have to say "I don't know" because now I do know. I know to accept that I have limits and many limits have been reached. I know that I have to do what I can to help others.