For my own edification, and because I have sincerely felt I have been I have been updating more, I decided to check the calendar. This entry, upon its publication, will be the 9th entry. Thus, October will have at least some 9 entries in 12 days
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Here is the paragraph along with the editorial parentheses added. Maybe that will help.
You recently replied to a comment I made many months ago, saying you had just gotten around to looking at the links in it, & observing that I have not been as active with updating. This entry explains those two focuses. (interest in online things like old journal comments, increased interest in online tendencies such as posting less)
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I think I am very different in life than I am online. I am probably a lot more accessible. I am a bit evil & jaded & so forth online. In life I spend a great deal of time around Christians (family) & volunteer at a church. So it is incongruous. I purge when I am online & strike out at people & circumstances I am bitter about. That seems to be how I get it up, to write these days. And it also has something to do with my sense of humor. Humor does really keep me going sometimes. I think Duchamp is really right on the money about that one, & that humor & a sense of mischief can go a long way in a nihilistic world.
People are usually surprised at what I am actually like who have only encountered me through writing or my online persona. For one thing I do think I am a lot more accessible. And I am actually pretty helpful, because I find it easy to be that way.
I have tried to extend a real life hand to you a couple times. We have chatted on AIM but that isn’t what I meant. I offered to give you an old iPod shuffle I wasn’t using, etc. I do consider us friends after a fashion, since we’ve known each other such a long time. I don’t know how to react sometimes say to things in my x rated journal. If I talk about masturbating a certain way & you say it’s a turn on, I am not turned off or offended, but I am just not gay at all, so I just focus on the technical & that is where the dialogue is. I realize if you were a hot woman making the same admitions I’d probably be zooming in for the kill, but I am not opposed to interacting or judgmental about it. I have always had guy friends, so I am not opposed to that. And I guess I have had gay & bisexual male friends, but it has always been different. Conversely straight guys have tended when reading my x-rated stuff to sort of just ask me WTF! And that especially tends to kill my fire, so it’s a lot more interesting to hear from a bisexual male perspective when it comes to that, & I don’t mean to be discouraging.
As far as rifling through the backlog, why don’t you instead of looking at all the content of your old entries, just look at the calendar in your archive from previous years & find out how many entries you did during certain months. See if there is a pattern or patterns.
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I started with the latest comment, then I looped back and read the entry, the initial comment, my initial reply, and this latest comment.
I'm honestly not sure what any of it means or meant. Whatever I was referring to by those "first two paragraphs" is very unclear to me. As you pointed out, those first two paragraphs are each a sentence, and not particularly long, convoluted, Dickensian prose.
I ignored that and tried to follow suit. I'm still not sure where any of it leaves myself, at least, in any term of understanding.
I was actually a bit taken aback at rereading the bit about masturbation and then friendship.
I know there is something there, something of substance (comments that I consider to be lacking in substance) are substantially shorter, if they're made at all. So, something struck a chord. But what? Where? Why? How? What chord? Can it be repeated?
I just can't connect the dots. I can only hope that the entry I am about to write (which will elaborate some of what this comment said) can shed some light.
And yes, I do remember the gracious overture to bridge the internet's divide. I don't know why I didn't take you up on it. In any event, I hope all is well.
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You were otehrwise preoccupied. You had soem rpactical reason you couldn't use it. probably the same coputer problem was why you didn't want the ipod, which I can still get coincidentally.
I am fine. I realized today I am not as depressed as I seem. It is just that I always update during the lowest ebb of my day.
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That's good. I think I am more depressed than I may seem, actually. Oh well.
Life goes on, and if I had a reliable and functional and adequate computer, I would jump at the ipod now...but alas...
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I used to really try hard to galvanize & excite my FR, by being inspiring & hopeful & asking them questions, encourage their participation in what I thought were worthwhile inquiries. Way, way back when. I have tried to re-enter that spirit once or twice, but my readership is at like zero at this point. I'd have to go and cross post or join communities or something & I just don't have the heart to do that anymore.
Then again I know there are people who do read me. And anything you just start will tend to be popular. Even the X-rated filter has lost its sheen of enticement at this point for most people. At the beginning I think the exclusive quality of the membership had people commenting 20+. I didn't want to just be commentating about my moods, impressions, prejudices & idiosyncrasies. I wanted a lot of participation & contribution. But then again if I ever did a post where I just asked, I would get nothing. I'd have to inspire everyone with a dynamic & sexually provocative post to get any opinions or participation. Which happened periodically. But all that takes so much energy. I feel kinda like Eeeyore from whinnie the pooh, writing this.
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