Come on darling, let's hang around / Let's wreck their precious, their perfect town
It looks like lj has had a bit of a makeover, what with the buttons to "insert/edit image" or "embed media." Also, there are some other noticeable changes. In the past while, I have also acquired several new "friends" --all of which resemble Russian bots. That is troublesome, as are the tweets that my account sometimes posts about "working from home." I don't get it.
I think the past week went pretty well, actually. I haven't any major complaints, not at this time. I didn't meet all the professional/educational goals I wanted to, but I came close. Admittedly, some of them were a bit lofty, and are things that will actually take more than a day of clocking-in and clocking-out; I have long-term projects that are, unfortunately, not always being worked on. I have got to learn how to break apart --or as I like to say -- "chunk" things into smaller, manageable pieces.
Today I had my first class of the semester, even though the semester does not officially start until Monday. This week I have class Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. The main campus is in Turlock; however, only on Tuesday is the class actually in Turlock. I suppose, no matter how good the buys were, I shouldn't have purchased anything at Borders today, but I did anyways. I really have to learn to prioritize.
I'm doing pretty well, overall. I have a sort of structure and routines I'm falling into. There are nice little patterns developing, many of which, given the physical and emotional weight I was carrying simply would not have been possible. I really was a train-wreck, and though the surgery was meant to stop that, I can't help but feel I still ended up crashing, crashing in April.
Sometimes, sometimes I get so overwhelmed by emotions. I know I talked about that a lot this past week. Honestly, however, much of that is a blur. I am having a hard time remembering things, which is something else to worry about. I know a lot of this --again, a message I've been hammering home lately -- is simply the shock of a new system, a new order.
I have so much structure, however, I worry that I am implementing radical right solutions. I feel myself mostly angry and upset these days. For a while there (and I noticed it happening again, today) I'd simply find myself gritting my teeth. There is clearly much progress to be made, in all avenues of my life.
Today, however, with the symbolism of a new semester, some new books and what not, there was another laborious task I did in fact tend to --room cleaning. I did laundry yesterday and today. I decided I'm going to start collecting clothes and outfits during the weekend, so as to minimize the amount of time I spend each individual morning trying to piece something together. This is a fun process, I find, because it caused me to get reacquainted with the contents of my closet. There was much junk, indeed, a good pile of things that actually wern't mind. I find out in the process that I've simply still hung on to a lot of worthless junk.
I have well over 500 books (perhaps 600 or so?), probably about 100 or more which I could junk, as the book is of a dubious intellectual value and historical value, offering little more than wasted space. I was also surprised by the great many titles I found that are of note. For instance, I found a book on Russian fairy tales; my copy of The Audacity of Hope; many more textbooks on US History than I realised I had; some surprises in European history, even. I think I'm at the point where I should start pruning the collection, rather than haphazardly adding to it.
I have so much more order and structure to my life these days, it makes me happy. But I worry, quite legitimately, that it built on anger and fear of the recent past. I have to let go. Some days, I think I get it and am actually doing that. But, then I catch myself, squeezing in an extra bite of food or snapping unnecessarily at the people who matter most to me.
There really is so much on my mind, I can barely get through it all in one day. There is much more continuity between my days than ever before, and I find that rather interesting. I'm still not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. It is what it is, I suppose.
The weird thing is, I tend to find myself rather happy when I wake up. I wake up happy to be alive, and that is quite the shock to me.
Unfortunately, I did have some darkness last week. I believe I wrote of it that night, actually. Things have gotten quite better. My attempt to stream-line and organize, to create lines --that hopefully arn't too rigid-- is working.
In the past two weeks, I have started a new schedule; I have gotten new glasses; I have gotten a haircut; I have gotten my financial aid and paid the most pressing of the financial matters; I have kept up with personal goals and not necessarily at the expense of work-related goals. I think I'm probably over-dramatizing, as that is my usual nature.
I really should get to bed, but I just can't seem to get my mind to stop spinning. I guess when you spend so much time reflecting, navel-gazing I suppose it should be called, and now you're exposed to a multitude of never-ending stimuli, the world is different.
Different is good; I'm embracing it, actually.
I think the past week went pretty well, actually. I haven't any major complaints, not at this time. I didn't meet all the professional/educational goals I wanted to, but I came close. Admittedly, some of them were a bit lofty, and are things that will actually take more than a day of clocking-in and clocking-out; I have long-term projects that are, unfortunately, not always being worked on. I have got to learn how to break apart --or as I like to say -- "chunk" things into smaller, manageable pieces.
Today I had my first class of the semester, even though the semester does not officially start until Monday. This week I have class Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. The main campus is in Turlock; however, only on Tuesday is the class actually in Turlock. I suppose, no matter how good the buys were, I shouldn't have purchased anything at Borders today, but I did anyways. I really have to learn to prioritize.
I'm doing pretty well, overall. I have a sort of structure and routines I'm falling into. There are nice little patterns developing, many of which, given the physical and emotional weight I was carrying simply would not have been possible. I really was a train-wreck, and though the surgery was meant to stop that, I can't help but feel I still ended up crashing, crashing in April.
Sometimes, sometimes I get so overwhelmed by emotions. I know I talked about that a lot this past week. Honestly, however, much of that is a blur. I am having a hard time remembering things, which is something else to worry about. I know a lot of this --again, a message I've been hammering home lately -- is simply the shock of a new system, a new order.
I have so much structure, however, I worry that I am implementing radical right solutions. I feel myself mostly angry and upset these days. For a while there (and I noticed it happening again, today) I'd simply find myself gritting my teeth. There is clearly much progress to be made, in all avenues of my life.
Today, however, with the symbolism of a new semester, some new books and what not, there was another laborious task I did in fact tend to --room cleaning. I did laundry yesterday and today. I decided I'm going to start collecting clothes and outfits during the weekend, so as to minimize the amount of time I spend each individual morning trying to piece something together. This is a fun process, I find, because it caused me to get reacquainted with the contents of my closet. There was much junk, indeed, a good pile of things that actually wern't mind. I find out in the process that I've simply still hung on to a lot of worthless junk.
I have well over 500 books (perhaps 600 or so?), probably about 100 or more which I could junk, as the book is of a dubious intellectual value and historical value, offering little more than wasted space. I was also surprised by the great many titles I found that are of note. For instance, I found a book on Russian fairy tales; my copy of The Audacity of Hope; many more textbooks on US History than I realised I had; some surprises in European history, even. I think I'm at the point where I should start pruning the collection, rather than haphazardly adding to it.
I have so much more order and structure to my life these days, it makes me happy. But I worry, quite legitimately, that it built on anger and fear of the recent past. I have to let go. Some days, I think I get it and am actually doing that. But, then I catch myself, squeezing in an extra bite of food or snapping unnecessarily at the people who matter most to me.
There really is so much on my mind, I can barely get through it all in one day. There is much more continuity between my days than ever before, and I find that rather interesting. I'm still not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. It is what it is, I suppose.
The weird thing is, I tend to find myself rather happy when I wake up. I wake up happy to be alive, and that is quite the shock to me.
Unfortunately, I did have some darkness last week. I believe I wrote of it that night, actually. Things have gotten quite better. My attempt to stream-line and organize, to create lines --that hopefully arn't too rigid-- is working.
In the past two weeks, I have started a new schedule; I have gotten new glasses; I have gotten a haircut; I have gotten my financial aid and paid the most pressing of the financial matters; I have kept up with personal goals and not necessarily at the expense of work-related goals. I think I'm probably over-dramatizing, as that is my usual nature.
I really should get to bed, but I just can't seem to get my mind to stop spinning. I guess when you spend so much time reflecting, navel-gazing I suppose it should be called, and now you're exposed to a multitude of never-ending stimuli, the world is different.
Different is good; I'm embracing it, actually.